Strength in Love

This is a struggle in my life.  As I observed the crowd following my Aunt's funeral I realized, even with the marital track record of Liz Taylor, I was once again alone.  The last family gathering in which I was accompanied by a spouse was in the 70's!  Our family is a hugging, say "I love you" bunch . . . well that side of the family is, and it is strengthening.  Although my Aunt's death was sad, all the phone calls back and forth always ended with, "I love you."  Unless my kids or grandkids visit, "I love you" isn't said in my home, except in my prayer closet.  Sometimes I tell the critters "I love them," but that's a different deal; although they do respond.

As the phone calls were exchanged, I had talked to cousins and Daddy, and although my cousins and I always verbalized "I love you," Daddy and I don't, except I did in one of the calls, and the silence on the other end was deafening . . . I know he loves me, but he doesn't say it; and verbalizing it wouldn't even be considered on my mom's side of the family.  Daddy's no spring chicken any more, well I'm not either, so it seems even more important.  I was so thankful to be able to recall two conversations with my Aunt the week before her funeral, and both times, as sick as she was, she ended the call with "I love you."  My last words to her, were those same three.  That is a dear and precious fact that I cherish.  Love is strengthening and to hear those words, priceless.  To speak those words, has become a part of my mission in life.

I still remember the day I realized Mr. B didn't love me as a wife.  It wasn't so much a realization, as his verbalization of such.  He doesn't want me, he no longer shares my beliefs, but he doesn't want a divorce, so it's simply loveless.  I could say I'm trapped, but that's not really the case, as I'm free to love others and say that frequently.  I'm not talking about dating!  I've already got a loveless situation, adultery certainly wouldn't improve the circumstances.  I'm free to just love, seriously without expectation, and without physical inference.  I'm a very friendly introvert and this loveless marriage is a protection, even if it's not preferred or the norm . . .

I have a husband who doesn't desire me as a wife, a mother who struggles in dealing with me, and a father who doesn't respond verbally to his daughter who said, "I love you," but Daddy shows his love in other ways, and accepting that is how I show my love for him.  Not everyone shows their love in the same way, and some folks simply don't seem to show love to others at all.  I've learned through the years, those people are to be pitied.  To be loving means we are called to love those who don't love us back.  To love others means we try to demonstrate our love for them in the way they feel loved.  Some folks like quality time, some quality words, while others enjoy knowing you cared enough to remember something special that was shared between the two of you.

I'm not really sure how I best receive love, but I do know I want everyone who crosses my path to know they are loved by our Creator and me.   I love to hear the words, "I love you," when they are genuine, and I guess I count them genuine, when I realize there is action with the words.

Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of Elohim; and every one that loveth is born of Elohim, and knoweth Elohim.  I John 4:7

"I Love You"

Those three words mean a lot!  Even though we know our Heavenly Father loves us and Y'hshuwah loved us enough to die for us, it's nice to hear the words audibly . . . Written throughout Scripture is definitely reaffirming, but still, we're human and we like to hear another human voice say it and preferably with meaning!  This past week has truly made me appreciate the value of those three words.

For the past several months, I've made a point of saying, "I love you" to people I minister to and with, as well as many I simply speak with.  I truly do love people, well some I have to try to love, but for the most part I do love people.  I'm just a bit awkward, introverted, and stoic, which probably comes across as socially inept, but . . . nobody sees me sweat.  This past week, however; has been a real eye opener in the value of love and hearing the words.  Love isn't just a word, it also involves action, and now this princess has to put her words into action!

My dear, Sweet Aunt Nina has died.  Not only am I really not ready for this, but years ago she asked me to officiate her funeral.  We were all in good health, at the time, so of course, no problem, but now . . . the funeral is imminent.  I am really trying to work through all my thoughts and words, as I choose just the right things to say in her memory.   She was an encourager, extraordinaire, and at every parting, she always said, "I love you."  So, rather than see her in the casket, as I prepare for her funeral, I'm seeing her in the background, telling me "You can do this!  I love you."  No, I'm not committing any necromancy and I have prayed for strength and asked others to pray for me, but it's truly who she was and I want to keep that image of her, especially as I prepare for a tribute to her.

At this time, I continue to push the thought out of my mind, that I won't hear that upbeat, slightly sassy voice again, in this life.  Her laugh was uniquely recognizable and her style was her own.  She was a confident woman, a strong willed woman, and stoic to the nth degree, yet somehow demonstrated a gentle encouragement with those around her.  She shared rather than drive or push.  I never in my life, heard her say to anyone, "You can't do that!"  That's not about morality, but about accomplishment!  She encouraged everyone.  

She "surrounded" her statement of "I love you" with encouragement, laughter, and sometimes a little too much stoicism to hide her own pain.  At times, something I've said or a certain mannerism has been compared to her, and I cherish those compliments more than I can say, so . . . to put action to my words of telling her "I love you," it's time for me to officiate the funeral she asked for.  She said no tears . . . I'll do my best to encourage all of us to remember her words of encouragement, and prayerfully put on a bit too much stoicism to hide my own sadness to fulfill her request.  I'm so thankful to have had two conversations with her last week, and both of them ended with those words to each other.

Nobody said "I love you" like Sweet Aunt Nina.      

True Confession

I've made no bones about my marital track record.  Even before following Messiah in Covenant, I had a certain "code of ethics" regarding fornication, adultery, and marriage.  My "code of ethics" was not according to the Laws of G-d, therefore my "code of ethics" amounted to nothing more than doing what was right in my own eyes.  The Bible calls that sin and my version of it resulted in way too many marriages.  Once I began following Messiah in Covenant, my code of ethics was replaced with obedience to The Word, or at least my understanding and I'm still learning and growing in my understanding.  I'm not fornicating or committing adultery, and even though I am legally married, my husband rejected me years ago, so I am celibate.  In looking back, I've wondered if this has to do with remarriage after divorce.  On to the greater issue, though; and that is one of the recent understandings I've come to is my perception and reason for modesty.

My style of modesty has remained about the same now, for nearly 20 years, but I cannot say it's been based purely on spiritual conviction and Scripture.  Much of my style, appearance, and behavior has sadly been based more upon my low self-esteem than my true spiritual convictions.  This past month, that is changing.  Bringing glory and honor to my Heavenly Father should be primary in every decision I make.  The world sees my outward appearance and as far as I know, there's no evil to be spoken of in my appearance, but Adonai sees my heart.  The truth of the matter is, the motivation behind my dress and behavior needed an upgrade, a serious upgrade!

Slacks and jeans went by the way side in the mid 90s.  I'm not teaching a doctrine here, simply stating I felt slacks took away from my femininity.  That isn't the case for all women, but it is for me.  Then if there is any weight gain or shift, slacks can become "too tight" very quickly, so broom skirts became my style.  I began wearing "over blouses," first for more color, then for a feeling of security in regard to my bosom, and upper arm . . . well "over 40 upper arm."  I do not believe showing some skin on my arms is a sin, and not all of my over blouses are long sleeved, but they all come close to my elbows.  That's the deal though, it's not about covering for modesty, it's about covering my upper arm sag.  One could say that reason is vanity.  I prefer to think of it as "just good policy."  I do not believe a woman must be covered from chin to ankles, as that sounds a lot like a burqa.  Frumpy attire and a prudish appearance are not necessary to bring glory to Abba.  I don't believe it's a sin to dress attractively; as long as one knows the difference between attractive and provocative . . .

Recently, I got over myself!  I may not have a body like Kate Middleton, but I am a princess, nonetheless; and Mr. B's attitude toward me is his issue, not mine.  I am where I am and "it is what it is."  Married to someone who has rejected my beliefs and my body has not been an easy adjustment, but there really is no sorting it out.  Just because the only man who will ever again see my body naked is the coroner, is a choice that is no longer based upon a poor self-image!  I choose to no longer be ashamed of the body my Creator made for me, but to be modest and chaste to bring glory to my Heavenly Father and walk in the anointing He has purposed for me.  

Are You Done Talking?

That question ran through me like a knife.  I was sitting at the table sobbing over something that I just couldn't come to grips with, when I made the ridiculous mistake of trying to talk to Mr. B about it.  In less than five minutes, staring in abject sullen silence, he suddenly blurted out this question.  "Are you done talking?"  My response was, "Yes."  And out the door he went.  To my sorrow, as always; it was only a temporary disregarding exit, rather than an actual departure.  

In the past two days, it seems our entire relationship has been like a rerun movie playing.  Truth of the matter is, if our relationship was a movie, it would have bombed at the box office, or . . . just landed on the editing room floor.  I've truly thought for years, I'm living the passage in Hebrews 12 about chastisement being unpleasant for a time . . . I'm beginning to sound to myself, like the children of Israel in Egypt.  It may very well be chastisement, as my marital track record was far from stellar.  My big problem in this, however; is the humiliation I feel in this trapped obligation in which I reside.  This is the first time, I've not been able to just take off and call it quits.  I was brought to this land, to this very place, and Mr. B tells me he's here, simply because he has no other place to be, and nothing to do.  I certainly can't argue with that!  He doesn't cook, he's not into housework, and he quit his job before our first anniversary . . .

I have to confess, however; I may have had pride in thinking this was going to be "happily ever after."  I mean, I'd finally "done marriage right," or so I thought.  Although I was divorced, and not just once, I didn't have premarital relations, I knew Abba had told me I was the woman for him, and I do believe in the natural flesh that is true, but I failed to enquire before the marriage, if we were soulmates.   I would strongly urge anyone contemplating matrimony to be sure and ask about being soulmates before saying, "I do."  Eve was Adam's rib, and we all know how that turned out . . . This "woman for him" deal has revealed the sheer horror of who I was in the flesh before becoming a believer.  I am so sorry for the pain I caused, good people.

I didn't realize until remembering back on our failed attempt at physical intimacy, that I had pride in that as well.  When Abba told me I was the right woman for Mr. B, I told Abba, he'd have to put the desire in me then, because I just didn't have it.  There was absolutely NO chemistry!  I simply did not find him physically attractive, but I was mature enough to know there is more to a person that physical appearance.  Imagine the humiliation when I got to hear, he just didn't find me desirable.  So, at least we have that in common . . . Unfortunately, I didn't get to hear that until after the wedding and a honeymoon beyond my worst nightmare.  Now, in looking back, by comparison, the honeymoon doesn't seem so bad.  At least it came to a conclusion . . .

The fact that we find each other less than desirable was sadly made worse by the fact that for the short time this man remained employed . . . that's another horror story; as he actually told "stories about me" like I was some easy/sleazy one night stand.  Knowing his veracity for truth, I doubt they were accurate, but all the worse.  Can you imagine taking your husband his "forgotten" lunch to a break room full of men who had been told "stories?"  I know this to be the case, because Mr. B told me about telling others . . . To make it more painful, I was a minister in the town, with a very well respected reputation, until . . .  Then there was the time, I sat at the dining room table while he drew an illustration about how parts were supposed to "fit."  All I can say about that incident was, "Praise be to G-d, all the thoughts bouncing through my brain did not fly out my mouth."

So, as Mr. B. snarled his question the other day, I realized, "Yes indeed, I'm done talking, as matter of fact, when it comes to any level of interacting, I am simply "done."  In all fairness to him, I have not spent nearly fourteen years suffering in silence.  I spent over three years doing everything I could think of, to get him to want a divorce, but after his surgery and disability, I've tried to keep my comments to a minimum and I've been made painfully aware, my feelings about our situation are irrelevant to his life.  I shake my head, shrug my shoulders, and have now resigned myself to, "It is what it is."  I've truly been matured to choose to focus on my real priorities in life, and as it turns out, finally . . . my priorities are YHWH, following Messiah, and sharing the reason for the hope that is in me to all who ask.  Along with the possibility of chastisement, I'm getting quite the lesson in learning about contentment!

But godliness with contentment is great gain . . . And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.

Sukkot at 57

I'll admit it, I have an RV that has been my sukkah for a few years now.  This year, it wasn't possible in that it is parked in the same pasture Leroy was staying.  Once he came to understand my promise of Psalm 8, he then wanted to be everywhere I was . . . and I just didn't want the Winnebago door to look like the gate, so I pitched a tent at the edge of the north timber.  I've since learned that there are air mattresses that are actually as far off the ground as a regular bed, but I didn't learn that until Sukkot was over.

As I reclined there on my special pile of a pillow mattress, I remembered the story of "the Princess and the Pea."  Well, I didn't actually remember the entire story, just the part about a pea under a pile of mattresses that caused the tender princess to have a back ache.  This princess had a similar experience, only I'm not so tender.  I was only about 4 inches off the ground and it was not a pea, but Ozark rocks.  There was, however; a bed of straw under a tarp, under the tent floor that was supposed to serve as a cushion.  I'm sure the straw did serve as a cushion, but I'm definitely making other arrangements for next year, ALREADY!

Actually plans are already in the works for next year's Feast of Tabernacles.  This princess is beyond excited!  It looks like a gathering is already being organized to take place here in the Land of Goshen.  As a matter of fact, all I will be expected to do is show them where the fire is to be built and share some insight!  I'm already looking forward to this!  If Messiah returns between now and then, we'll move it from Goshen to  Jerusalem, and that will be even better.

I have to admit, this year I also spent one night on the deck . . . The full moon and stars were amazing.  There is more to my confession.  I could not believe how many times I get up in the night . . . so on some nights, by the third trip into the house to use the facilities, I simply crashed on the living room couch, with the front door open, as the dawn broke!  Sukkoting solo does have it's less than stellar moments!  I am believing next year's plans will gain momentum, making this past one, my last solo Sukkot!

A Royal Day

An article entitled "rattled," was already started for this week's edition, with a testimony that began with a rattling from my crown to my soles . . . but that is a testimony for "holy homesteading."  I had the most amazing day yesterday and I just have to share it.  The day, as usual began at evening; I was speaking with a pastor before the mid-week prayer meeting.  I love this gathering in particular.  It's an old fashioned prayer meeting with old songs and great testimonies.

I've been ministering in a church in the next state and they have an "expansion" plan.  Abba has been dealing with me regarding that situation and leading me to offer discipleship for new believers and full covenant relationship with all believers.  The Pastor lit up when I approached him on the subject.  He said he'd tried to put together a couple of discipleship teachings through the years, but things just hadn't worked out.  I was very simple, straightforward, and clear.  I said, I would use the Gospel according to John for the discipleship class, as it explained the plan of salvation, all the feasts, and the importance of obedience.  He nodded, smiled, and said, "It sure does.  Let's get this started in October."  Prayer meeting was a blessing and I headed home.

The morning began as always, prayer and contemplation just before the first hint of dawn.  I've been doing some morning stretches and it felt so good, I kept them up until the phone rang.  It was a gentleman who had called me last week, sounding absolutely broken.  His wife was in the hospital, had been for a few days, and the prognosis was quite grim.  She had some chronic health issues, then was given a medication in which there was a serious, near fatal reaction.  He said the doctors hadn't given him much hope and he wanted to know if I'd pray for her.  So, right then, on the phone, I did.  The next day, I checked with him and he said, they had a long way to go, but she'd made a turn and was heading the right direction.  Praise Abba!  I checked in again the following evening, his sons were there and although it was still serious, he was hopeful.  I continued to pray, but not wanting to intrude on family time, didn't call over the weekend . . . Tuesday morning I checked with him and he said, she was much improved, so much so, the kids had gone back home and to work.  He said they thought she'd be released in a week or so and were making arrangements for her to go to a convalescent center for a couple of weeks to regain her strength.  Every time I spoke with him, I'd mention a "thank G-d" or "HalleluYah" in the conversation.  Now, to the call this morning.  He was ecstatic, his beloved wife had come home Wednesday afternoon.  I was overwhelmed with thankfulness and joy.  In one week, that woman had gone from grave condition on a ventilator to home.  Definitely HalleluYah!!!

The next delight took my be complete surprise.  Someone very dear to me, had asked me for a recipe and as I was retrieving it from an old edition of the Goshen Gazette, I thought I'd just check on Amazon for a copy of my cook book and send a copy of "Sweet Memories and Happy Plates" to her as a gift.  Knowing the book was no longer in print, I wasn't sure if there'd be any more copies available.  Much to my surprise, no more new copies are available, but there is a used copy for a crazy price, which has apparently sold, now.

I certainly couldn't afford it . . . I loaned the computer with that book on it, to one of my daughters, who, after a week said the computer was beyond repair, so it truly is out of print.  Here I thought I'd have to be dead before any of my work was considered collectible!

Just as I was reeling from the joy of the phone call and the price of my "collectible" I had an appointment with newspaper ad department in the neighboring state.  I arrived and was met with a hug from a dear acquaintance of days gone by, then met the ad guy.  He's one of those folk whose last name is also a first name, so I awkwardly made acquaintance and we sat down to discuss the ads.  I handed him my card and the look on his face was simply priceless.  It was obvious that he did not know where to begin.  I then produced the catalogue, stating when I began the business in September 2011, it was going to be 8 kinds of soap, and that's ALL!  So we began sorting, as I wanted two separate ads, anyway.  One for the products and one to speak at youth groups, ladies groups, and churches about using our G-d given talents.  As we continued to sort and make notes, we got it all wrapped up pretty nicely, when he suggested I meet one of the reporters, as there's more to my "story" than will fit in an ad.  She was a delight and we have an appointment for Monday . . . I'll share updates as they come in.

As if this were not just an amazing day, we got home to discovering one of the bulls out and the other one sizing up the gap in the fence.  What could have been a real dilemma resulted in amazingly more than I could have asked or imagined.  Mr. B called the neighbor, and they met at the fence.   We were sure to let him know that our big guy was intact, as his herd is beef stock.    We soon discovered there were several weak spots and I was able to distract the one bull while the fence was reinforced.  I had visions of sitting in the back of a pickup with a feed bucket and a big bull following me through the pasture, but our neighbor, bless his heart, had a much better solution.  He said, "I'll just put him in my trailer and unload him at our adjoining gate.  I load and unload hundreds of cattle a day, this is no big deal."  That's precisely what he did.  The fence is now critter tight and Brisket was back home before dark.

All this took place in less than 24 hours!  I'm still in awe and oh so very thankful.
. . . feeling blessed beyond measure.

Praying . . .

Like a man after Yah's own heart.  Not that I am implying gender role issues in this very serious matter, but rather as people of the most High Elohim [EL ElYon] we do have an amazing collection of prayers written by the man who was called a man after Yah's own heart.  The Psalms, most of them, were written by King David.  Many, I'm sure, have written articles and books on praying the Psalms, as it is powerful!  There's no vain repetition here, unless we choose to just give lip service, as these prayers are deep.  Some of the Psalms are jubilant praise, while others come from the depth of despair.  The Psalms literally contains a prayer for nearly every issue any of might face.  Let's consider David's experiences and what probably brought joy as well as grief to his heart.

The first we know of young David was the fact he was a shepherd boy that had killed a lion and a bear.  That was his proposed qualification for facing Goliath.  
Thy servant slew both the lion and the bear: and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be as one of them, seeing he hath defied the armies of the living Elohim.  I Samuel 17:36  Most of us learned how that turned out, at a very young age.  It really didn't take much church or synagogue attendance to learn about the little shepherd boy with a sling shot; that slew the giant!  We also soon learn that he became the son-in-law of King Saul, but that marriage wasn't his memorable one.

King David was a mighty warrior, and even when Saul had turned on him, he still showed respect for the King.  Once the kingdom passed from Saul to David, David committed a couple of very grievous sins.  He lusted after another man's wife and acted upon that lust.  Bathsheba is often blamed by the religious folk, but considering she was on the roof bathing, she may not have known anyone was watching.  Torah commanded that Israel build a parapet around the roof for safety, and she may have never considered herself to be within anyone's view.  Obviously when David sent for her, she realized she'd been seen, but there were pretty serious consequences for refusing a King's order, so I'm just not sure how that scenario actually unfolded, but we do know there was adultery, and . . . ultimately murder.  The child that was conceived that night, died at a week old.  I'm sure David had some moments of heaviness and regret throughout his life over that fateful rendezvous, yet it was the second son with Bathsheba who would rule Israel in great wisdom, through years of peace and build the Temple.

David also experienced dysfunction in his family with a son trying to kill him, and a son raping a daughter, not to mention more than one wife to deal with and a son who planned to usurp the throne from the one to whom it was promised.   David ruled over Israel for 40 years.

He had times of great blessing and closeness with YHWH, but he also sinned.  King David knew how to pray . . . We are blessed to be able to read his prayers and undoubtedly all can relate to at least one of his circumstances. The Psalms are the spiritual solution the many emotional issues that plague humanity.
I will declare the decree: YHWH hath said unto me, Thou art my Son; this day have I begotten thee.  Psalm 2:7

Gender vs. Sex

Let me tell you just a few things I've observed in all this "transgender/transsexual" hype.  This coming from a woman who has struggled with her own femininity without ever feeling I was in the wrong body.  I haven't been watching "Call Me Cait" or whatever the show is, but I did see a trailer on the big swim suit episode.  In one minute, I saw why Bruce Jenner doesn't even think like a woman.  For most real women, past 35; choosing a swimsuit is the ultimate in dreaded events, and a very, very private matter.  He simply doesn't think like a woman, really doesn't look like one, and clearly doesn't sound like one.  This being said by a sturdy, pick-up truck driving, do-it yourself former tomboy, that jokes about singing bass.  I was born a female, and am 100% female.  I've discovered that all of the not so traditional interests I have, like operating a chainsaw, homesteading, and home improvements have absolutely nothing to do with sex or gender.

San Francisco is known for being cutting edge when it comes to gender confusion issues, and it seems one school is starting very young, as in elementary students.  Bathrooms will simply have no sexual distinction whatsoever.

Now, on to this young man in Missouri who was making a production out of gym class.  He raises several questions that simply cannot be answered by this LGBTQA (more alphabet) . . . Agenda.  First, he claims he's been "out" gay first, then transgendered for 4 years.  With his family's support in this.  Why is he wearing a wig?  Why isn't his hair long?  Hair grows about 1/2" a month, he surely would have some serious locks by now.  The next big statement only served to prove how little like a female he actually thinks.

Here this young man is given private accommodations for changing and showering, but he doesn't want that!  Any real teen aged girl would jump at the chance for private accommodations through PE class.  The memory of dread of PE and locker rooms is quite vivid for most women.  Not that we were actually damaged by it, but it's just the way teenage girls are.  Teenage girls are self conscious about their bodies and want all the privacy they can get!   It seems, and I can't speak for guys, but it seemed the enthusiasm for the sports or activity superseded all details.  There was never a tone of dread when the guys said, "Time to hit the showers."

The fact that this young man is making the issue he is and even saying the girls are the ones making a big deal out of the situation, reveals clearly how self-centered he truly is.  One of the girl's fathers referred to the situation as an "intact male" using the girl's locker room.  I can assure young Mr. Perry, he has a witness that he has male genitalia, and his statement about the locker room proves beyond a shadow of a doubt, he's not a female at heart.

On a grander scale, we need to assess the definition of democracy . . . the rule of the majority.  If the "democratic progressives" change the rules to accommodate 1 individual, and disregard 200, then by definition the democrats are no longer representing democracy at all!

Aging

Several years ago, I gave some serious contemplation as to how my parents were aging.  When my grandparents were in their 40s, that seemed old, but then, my perspective was that of a child, and society had a different aging standard in the 1960s.  Anyone over 35 was "old establishment."   From the time I was twelve, I was looking forward to 40.  By the time 40 came around for me, it was fantastic and didn't really seem so old, after all.  It was in the next couple of years as my parents were hitting 60, that age seemed to be the new aging standard.  Either one was a young 60 or an old 60, and my parents are one of each.

In my early 40s, 60 really wasn't much of an issue, and I've always been more like Daddy than mom. I guess I just figured I'd be a young 60, but the other night, I got a wake up call, in the mirror.  As I stood at the sink, washing my hands, in the mirror; my great grandma was looking back at me.  Seeing the image of Daddy's grandma startled me, immensely.  I remember Granny, but she was much older than I am now, when I was born.  I shook it off, as best I could, and headed to bed.  It hadn't occurred to me that Daddy might be the exception to his family rule, or that he'd simply aged better because of his very active and athletic lifestyle.  Then there is the fact that men do tend to age better than women . . . think Paul Newman, Cary Grant, Sam Elliot.  Those men could still be the "leading man" while their female counterparts of the early movie days were relegated to support roles.

Sleep was a bit restless that night, as I considered a bold fact.  I'm less than three years from 60.  Although genetics will be an obvious factor, I still have a choice as to how 60 is going to hit and fit!  Vanity is not the issue, my endurance and activity level is my concern.  I remember several years ago, crying to Abba about having given Mr. B the last of my "good looking years," to which my Heavenly Father responded, "No, those were over before you met him."  Touche'!  Except for that one bout of self-pity, since following Messiah, I've been much more concerned about the beauty of my spirit.  I do want to reflect the glory of my Heavenly Father in my countenance.  The recent revelation that my hair is no longer salt & pepper, as well as more than a few aches and pains with rain coming that same night, caused me to evaluate a few other things that night.

Last year, right before Yom Teruah, I'd planned to do some things differently.  How many of those "good intentions" had I implemented?  As I laid there in the dark, evaluating my checklist, the stretches and increased walking hadn't exactly come to fruition, but HalleluYah!  I did have peace in the acceptance and resolve of a few other things . . . The ministry outreach has expanded exponentially and I think I'm more prepared than when I first heard to do so.  So, now that Yom Teruah is approaching once again, I'm repenting for my failure to accomplish some of the intentions.  I'm careful in regard to vows, but I'm not so sure Abba draws that line in my semantics, so it's time to get serious!

I'm not at all upset about growing older.  I've been counting on experiencing "my youth renewed" as found in Psalm 103.  I have no intention or desire to look 30, but I often think of doing chores and milking goats 20 years from now.  I want that.  I want to be able to do that.  I want to walk the half mile lane picking blackberries when I'm pushing 80, if my numbered days reach that point.  I want to still have a garden.  There is no need for the redeemed remnant to deteriorate with age.  I want to wear out, not rust out!  I can't expect Abba to renew my youth if I don't make a point to remain active.  If I'm not a young 60, the chances of being an active 80 will be drastically diminished.

My hair color and features are what they are, but I do have a choice in my activity and energy level.  The truth is:  I'm not getting any younger, but there is an element of choice in how gracefully I age.

A Realization

A check in my spirit began to gnaw a while back, but I wasn't really sure what it meant.  I knew it had to do with Goshen, but just, well in my usual coping manner, got busy and tried to make sure I didn't commit whatever might be causing the check.  I figured if I was real busy on projects, I wouldn't be guilty of whatever had caused Abba to first give my heart a tug.  I knew it had to do with the place here, but it seemed to also have to do with Sukkot and the five fold ministry.

The "door of invitation" is not mine to open or close!  Suddenly, the reality that Sukkot was called for Jerusalem and trying to make it happen here, in Goshen would cheapen the entire observation.  He didn't tell me to advise everyone to buy tickets to Jerusalem; rather He said those who were led to be here would come without formal fan fair, but simply be led and drawn.  What a note of relief for me, as I am a social, mainstream, dork, lacking skills of small talk . . .

I really wanted to please Abba, still do, but the realization that He made me the way I am, doesn't call for a remake in every aspect.  I am not a socially needy person.  I can read and write with little human interaction for days on end.  I get up early, pray, have my devotions, do chores which involves talking to Abba, Messiah, and the critters, come back in and start working.  When Mr. B does get up, he doesn't say anything or even acknowledge me.  I'm not anti-social, just used to being non-social and shunned, I guess.  I was really concerned that folks might come and be very dissatisfied with me.  That's on old discomfort that, thankfully, is now only a small part of my life with just a handful of people.

Without worrying about how to do this, I simply told Abba I had truly embraced the idea of hosting a Sukkot gathering, but I knew this divided house would not be a comfortable atmosphere for guests.  It was at this point, I simply shrugged my shoulders and determined to trust Abba regardless of how things looked.  As it turns out, this isn't such a convenient location for distant folks to come, and there are several gatherings scheduled in many areas nearby.  My hostessing is unneeded, but my enthusiasm to share is being directed to surrounding areas, solving both problems.

I'm a pretty well behaved guest and definitely a gifted talents coach, so I'll be sharing outside of Goshen, which solves the divided house issue as well.  Our King is just so smart!  

Prayed Up

Have you ever realized in dealing with someone, that you just weren't "prayed up" enough for the task?  I addressed rejection in the article for Preservation, but sometimes folks don't reject and just go away.  And sometimes folks aren't rejecting at all, they are simply in need, and sometimes they are exhausting.  It sounds like my social life has been difficult this week, but it hasn't, not at all.  Perhaps, I'm finally at peace with some of the old struggles and ready to address them outside of my own head and heart.

Being "prayed up" is definitely the answer to life, be it in good times or bad.  As a matter of fact, according to Scripture, it's often the good times that take our focus away from time with our Heavenly Father.  I remember a conversation with one of my daughters years ago, in which she informed me, she didn't have a real interactive relationship with G-d, didn't want to bother Him much so she just prayed when she had problems.  I told her, He likes to hear from us, so if problems are what motivates us to pray, we should expect problems in our life.  Now, in retrospect I should feel honored in that she basically has the same relationship with me.  I hear from her when there's a problem . . . yet I digress.

I've been coming into a fuller understanding about being "prayed up."  I used to feel that I had to be prayed up to "deal" with some folks, and I did!  But I knew Abba had a bigger plan for me than that and a greater purpose.  I want folks to be blessed in being around me and I want to be able to reach out in the Name of Y'hshuwah in the power of YHWH to offer healing and deliverance.  I want what happened in Scripture to happen now!  And I want to be a part of being used in that happening.  I've also come to realize there is a change of direction in my focus now, regarding being "prayed up."  I want to be so intune with Abba, I feel His heartbeat for His child in need.

Those are easier words to say, than discipline to enact.  When this began, and it's been some time in the maturing . . . not there yet, but it began with me giving up my prayer agenda . . . To feel our Father's heartbeat, we have to be "on the same page," and He's not moving to our page.  We have to come to Him, fully without reservation.  We cannot be emptied out, while we still have our "wish list."  Our only desire must be for Him and His Will.  Even in my desire to be used by Him, I cannot have a preconceived notion as to what the results should be.  I can ask for the healings of others and speak deliverance for those who are in bondage, but it is by His power and His alone that comes.

There is no place for my idea of what would be best for someone when it comes to asking for Abba's touch. Sometimes it may seem that someone needs healing, but they actually need deliverance, or simply to stand the test before they see results.  I prefer to have things happen NOW!  Abba sees what all needs to happen before we get to what I see as the end results.  Being "prayed up" has brought new meaning to walking in His confidence as well!  Thankfully, since I had zero self-confidence that has not been a matter of confusion.  If I have any confidence at all, it is in Him.

"Prayed up" now means emptied out . . .

Focus

It's been a tough week spiritually . . . growing pains.  I shared a word recently about being content, with Scripture reference from I Timothy and Hebrews.  Wouldn't you know it, I'm content in what I have, materially, well actually, I could have less and be just fine, but I found myself wandering through the archives of my emotional disappointments.  There are a few areas of my life that just didn't turn out as I'd hoped, and yet they are as good as they can be under the circumstances.  Most of the time, I maintain my contentedness in Messiah, by focusing on the goodness of YHWH, and that is amazing!  His goodness is beyond what we can even give thanks for . . .
                                
What I have realized, were words out of my own mouth.  Focusing on disappointment or being discontent actually robs us of present contentment and worse, being used of Abba.  When I'm in my bad place of archived disappointment, I'm really ineffective in the "here and now," and certainly for the Kingdom.  I've also discovered a situation that is unpleasant, yet I choose to be drawn in.  How ridiculous is that?  This soul searching business on my own, is a poor use of time and energy.  That's exactly what I said as I was speaking!  As it turns out, I've been given the opportunity to prove that again in my own life.  It wasn't until I was writing this article that I realized something in me that really needs to GO!  I still choose self-deprecation in personal introspection.  I'm not perfect, but I do too much repeated self-blaming and the cost is simply too high.

The past is truly the past and it's been forgiven and forgotten by my Heavenly Father.  Who do I think I am to bring it back up?  As for the failures, yes, I have failed.  The only way to avoid failure is to never attempt anything!  There are things in my life that I cannot fix, change, or make go away.  That is a simple fact.  Another simple fact is, my failure rate has markedly decreased since following Messiah.  With that knowledge, there is no reason for those things to control any of my focus or require any of my time and energy.  Some might say the enemy was attacking me for speaking the other day, but I don't think so.  The enemy is something I do not choose to give time or focus.  Yes there are demons and there is an adversary, but he's been defeated.  I know Ephesians speaks of a spiritual battle, but this particular battle still lies within me to make a choice, and I have!  Now, with that choice must come disciplined application!

This difficult week has produced some growth in that, when these failures do come to mind, I simply give thanks that they are indeed behind me and I've been given grace to walk on through.  Even when my testimony didn't turn out as I was expecting, Abba will still bring beauty from ashes.

To proclaim the acceptable year of YHWH, and the day of vengeance of our Elohim; to comfort all that mourn;  To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of YHWH, that he might be glorified.  Isaiah 61:2-3.

Releasing Regrets

The past few weeks have been truly amazing and special, as I've shared here; but with all the special blessings, have also come a time also of past regrets.  I'm not talking about others, but about my own failure and the regrets and disappointments that have sort of lurked in the shadows.  Most of my regrets took place before I was walking in covenant and following my King.  I am forgiven, but obviously, can not go back in time and change them.  All I can do is move forward, and I have.  Interestingly, these past few weeks have brought me to a place of actually releasing the regrets.

In all these years, I really didn't know how to do that.  I didn't know how to stop remembering something stupid or wrong I'd done . . . I figured everyone had regrets and probably everyone handles them in their own way, but I needed a better way.  I was truly tired of regretting so many failed relationships, in which there is no reparation.  Even without the option of going back in time, most of these failed relationships could not be rectified in future settings either, and that's where the reality of release began . . . Carrying regrets does two things.  It weighs us down and prevents us from rising to the full potential Abba has for us and it sets us up to live with blame in new relationships.

First, I cannot reconcile any previous marriage, as that is forbidden in Torah, so to continue to regret my failure, is time and energy squandered.  The only way to view those now, is to hope and pray those men are happy and have a relationship with our Heavenly Father.  I know some of them have moved on to other relationships and I hope those women do not have to "pay" for any hurt I caused the men.  I know I've "payed" for someone else's old baggage and I would not wish that on an enemy.  It could be the old baggage I've been dealt; was the consequences and comeuppance of my past behavior.

There is a meme that circulates social media regularly that sums life up rather well.  I'll include the quote here, with the credited author.

“We are free to choose our actions, . . . but we are not free to choose the consequences of these actions.”

                                                                                         ― Stephen R. Covey

Life does include consequences and most of us in our forties and fifties realize, what we thought were great ideas in our teens and twenties, have not all proven to be so great!  I don't mean to generalize or be vague, but I don't know of too many folks who didn't make at least one or two regrettable choices.  I have more than a few, but the reality is, I've had far fewer since walking with Messiah, and there's no reason to spend any more of the time I have left on regrets, I can't change, and our Heavenly Father doesn't even remember.  Isn't that so amazing about an all knowing Creator.  He is so awesome, He can choose to forget something!  In just trying to imagine His vastness, and attempting to wrap my mind and heart around His love, there is just little room for regrets.

Unexpected, but So Appreciated

A new understanding has emerged into my awareness.  I realized some time back that all of my energy was not being well spent.  There are some things in my life that are just not going to get better, and that's all right.  I quit wasting positive energy on those some time back.  I was, however; falling into some negative ditches once in awhile, when the reality reared it's ugly head, but even that is has fallen back into the archives of recent history.  When a negative attitude of failure begins to furrow my brow, I truly take the time to choose to think of something else.  Sadly, most of my failure is in the area of relationships, and a negative self-image; and as I type this, I'm guessing those two are somehow interrelated.

Even as I typed the paragraph, old disappointments knocked, but I literally chose to think on the list of Philippians 4:8, specifically the two individuals who brightened the already good day I was enjoying, with their unexpected comments.  So, on to the good stuff, now!

I've been ministering between services in a church not far from here.  I've known many of the congregants for some time.  Abba laid it on my heart that Sabbath is of course still standing, but He enjoys praise and worship any and every day, so . . . rather than rent a conference room or building, I've been worshipping at a local church, then stay all afternoon and fellowship in the evening when they return for the evening service.  I've been blessed and many of the people say they've noticed a change, and it's a good one!  When I first mentioned it to the Pastor, I told him I am a 7th day Sabbath keeper, so come the first day of the week, I'm all rested up and ready to hit the ground running!

Of course, serving Abba in a greater outreach has definitely been a blessing to me.  Sunday evening a dear young man gave his testimony.  I had no idea until he spoke that he and his family had only recently began to attend.  As it turns out, their first Sunday was mine also, so they and I had no idea we were all new.  Their family is just precious.  The baby smiles or sleeps and the older children are polite, well behaved, and friendly.  After his testimony, I went up to encourage and hug 'em all, when he said, "I was talking to my wife about you this afternoon."  He continued, "I told her, that little dark woman with the long hair, she's really special!"  Then he said to me, "You come all prayed up and ready, I appreciate that."

What a precious statement to hear.  Not so many in the generation that we boomers raised are that kind.  Then, for just a moment, I had to enjoy the fact that someone called me "little" and had actually used the word "special" in a flattering way.  One other time, I thought someone said special in a good way, but it turned out to be not so special at all . . . I'm so thankful to have the energy and use my energy to pray.  I've also realized this week as his words blessed through my head on more than one occasion, that "Being prayed up" has more to do with giving praise, thanks, listening, and obeying than it does to list the needs.

Now as if that wasn't enough, I stopped at the store yesterday, and there was a young woman, probably all of 30 who when we had exchanged pleasantries, stopped what she was doing for just a quick few seconds and said, "You have the most beautiful eyes."  Here I am, clearly at least a generation or two beyond her.  For a moment I felt glamorous, like an "old movie star."

I stopped letting feelings of failure take up space in my head.  The eviction wasn't quick, but the results have been amazing!  Most of the feelings of failure, as I said revolved around relationships and self image.  When I changed my thinking, I realized I can still care about the people, while giving up on the failed relationships.  It was amazing!  It's made so much more room in my heart and head for love and joy and the peace of acceptance.  And now this week, I've learned it actually shows in my countenance.

The Greatest Compliment

The compliment of all compliments came my way, about me, in front of me the other day.

It was about 3 1/2 months of knowing I needed to be ministering in Oklahoma, that I finally got in the right place.  I wasn't ignoring the call, I was just making it more difficult that it was.  I'm like that, sometimes.  I had no intentions of being disobedient at all!  Every place I went, the door was closed very quickly.  I have matured in that I don't bang on closed doors or brick walls like I used to, but my quest was not a simple one.  Here, I thought I was supposed to make a purchase toward the project, when that was simply not the case.  I have been called, however; to invest heavily in time and energy . . . and much prayer.

So here I am back in a church I'd visited several years ago.  I never joined and I didn't leave on bad terms.  It's simply a fact that Christian churches use the terms "set apart" and "come out from among them," but as a rule have tossed out the Instructions as to how that is to be done.  They felt a leading to go a direction I could not support, and with different celebrations, our paths simply crossed less.  We all stayed on friendly terms and always enjoyed seeing each other.  I've even spoken a few times through the years as a guest, but we all understand there are some significant differences.

When Abba told me to go to this pastor, I wasn't quite sure how it would go, but I showed up for Sunday morning service on Shavu'ot/Pentecost with two loaves of bread.  I told him, "I knew this was the one celebration we all shared and Deuteronomy said I was to bake two loaves of bread and go outside my gate, so here I am."  He smiled and said, "Great!  It's also Memorial Day and the service is more toward country and honoring our veteran members, then when that concludes, I'll turn the service over to you."  Well, I wasn't expecting that!  Clearly Abba had prepared his heart to receive me.

I left that Sunday afternoon, knowing I would contact him about the plan I'd been given.  Abba has led me to share natural remedies, as well as correlate the fact that sin is often the root problem in health, emotions, and finances.  I visited again in June and asked if we could meet to chat about an idea YHWH had given me.  He seemed a bit evasive, so I wasn't sure if he was truly that busy or just trying to kindly dismiss me.  As it turns out, he's truly been that busy . . .  I attended a couple more Sunday morning services, being asked to pray or speak, every time . . . So I realized my old weakness of being rejected and unwanted was unfounded.  It was time to take the bull by the horns and move forward.

I caught the pastor in his office that morning and told him, I was still wanting to talk to him and he began again with just how stretched his schedule was, when I simply said, "we're both here now and this won't take long."  I presented to him, my situation of being led to Oklahoma to share spiritually based health and I wanted to "rent" the church on Sunday afternoon between services for the same price I would have to pay to rent a conference room.  I asked him if he'd pray and think about it and he said, "No need, he had already been asking for something like this."  He did add that I did not need to pay for using the building, but in my heart it only seems right.

So, this past Sunday morning, it was announced that I would be there all afternoon.  The pastor then proceeded to share with the congregation that he wanted to tell them a couple of things about me.  He said, "When this woman prays, G-d hears, and results happen.  And another thing . . . anything you tell her stays between you, her, and G-d."

What humbling comments to hear.  I couldn't imagine a better compliment!

Royal Purpose

This week began beautifully!  There is so much opportunity set before me, as well as a warning of what to avoid, accompanied by both positive and negative confirmation!  Our Heavenly Father is so good.  He truly does want us to achieve His purpose in our lives and live in His plan.

Years ago I made a drastic mistake.  After marrying Mr. B, and he seemed genuinely interested in spiritual matters for a time, I asked Abba if I could wait for him.  Within a year and a half, I realized I had indeed receive an affirmative answer to that prayer.  I tried to be patient for a time, and then I began to seriously fear for my own soul.  This man had no intentions of serving YHWH or building a life with me.  It was no longer a matter of patience, it was a matter of my spiritual life.  When I realized waiting on someone who refused to go forward, would actually result in going backward; I repented with horribly bitter tears.  I've remembered often Mr. B's words before we married, as we were discussing the plans.  He simply stated, "If we don't move forward, we'll start going backward."   Thirteen years later, I can attest, truer words were never spoken.  Now, here's the wild part.  Since I repented, the waiting has ended . . .

I've had some advice, of course, from the uber Gothard religious types who choose to believe a woman should actually lose her salvation over a man, but I stand on Torah and will not be moved.  Mr. B knew my call and my vow before he ever signed on and said nothing against it the day he heard.  According to Numbers 30, the window of opportunity for him to nullify my vow, closed years ago!  That means, I'd be a disobedient rebellious fool to, now; disregard my vow.  I am moving forward and so excited about it.  I've even opened my heart to other opportunities if YHWH presents them, but at this time, my plate is full.  "Equally yoked" is not limited to marriage at all, but in working together for the kingdom!  Now, on to my purpose.

It's occurred to me, that although I don't believe what mainstream Christianity teaches regarding the rejection of Torah and the Messiah's name, I do know when people are searching for spiritual truth, many go to church.  I don't need to drop out of church to live by my beliefs at all!  As a matter of fact, Abba has opened a door in a church and I'm so excited.  Religious spirits are running rampant through the church, as well as social media fellowship.  We need deliverance and we need to offer deliverance.  A note of caution here, be careful in "unfriending and blocking" and how that may translate to unforgiveness in our own life.  I'm not sure exactly where that line is, myself, so I'm just offering the note of caution.

Then there is also the fact that, like it or not, regardless of the social teaching, our mainstream medical treatments are rooted in what Scripture has translated to be "sorcery."  The Greek word pharmakeia is obviously the root of our term pharmaceutical.  In Galatians, that term was translated to witchcraft and in the Revelation, sorcery or sorcerer for the practice there of.  As many are griping about Obamacare, and knowing these are the end of days, it's time to come out from among the practices of the heathen.  It's truly time for the children of the King to stop living as fearful peasants.  

The Bible is historic, of course, but it's not a history book, it is Living Word and our true purpose as Bible believing followers of Messiah is to live the Word!

Living Large and Loving It

For over 50 years, I felt bad about my appearance and size.  While I'm shaking my head and furrowing my brow at all this trans mess confusion, asking why they can't just appreciate their body as they were created, it hit me between the eyes.  Now mine isn't so severe as to dislike my gender, I'm glad I'm a girl, but I spent a lifetime hating my body, and that is also wrong.  Don't get me wrong, my body is far from perfect, but I was simply not created to be a size 4.  I did that sort of, one time in my life and caused myself serious harm.  Actually, only my skirt was a size 4, my blouses and blazers were still size 16.  I have to be very self-abusive to be what is considered thin in this society.  The flip side to the self-abuse though, is the constant remarks I hear from family and the lack of interest shown to me by Mr. B.  I'm not the image of obesity.  As a matter of fact, I get compliments from strangers, regularly, but like an idiot, I placed more value on the negative comments and treatment from family, then adopted that for my own perspective.  I should have allowed myself to be influenced by "the kindness of strangers."  I'm about to get personal here.

My skirts and leggings are less than plus size.  Depending upon the article of clothing, I am about a 14-16 or in generic sizing: large.  My tops on the other hand, are usually 2X and they do not appear to be oversized at all!  I do have to double cuff the long sleeved blouses though, as my upper body girth does exceed my upper body length.  I'm between 5'7" and 5'8" and finally, after developing a complex at 3 1/2 years of age, I have been delivered and gained victory!  HalleluYah!  This blog has done a lot in letting me see my feelings in writing, and how ridiculous some of my self-perception has been.  There have been times in my past, I seriously considered surgical alteration of my body.  It's like I wasted my best looking years feeling ugly and now that I'm long past 50, I'm feeling just pretty good about my appearance, at this age.

The natural health and beauty products I make really do keep my skin looking young.  Enjoying my time outdoors keeps my skin tone vibrantly bronzed and my muscles in pretty good tone.  I'm not as active as I could be, but homesteading does involve more physical activity than city living, for sure.  I received Abba's Word back in 2012, after a horrendous experience, the promises of the 103rd Psalm.  It's taken nearly three more years to get to the heart of my problem, and watching the Bruce Jenner headlines, I finally saw.  It's not a matter of being a perfect physical specimen, as a decathlon medal Olympian surely was.  It's about humbly not second guessing our Creator.

A Psalm of David. Bless YHWH, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless His Holy Name.  Bless YHWH, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits:  Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;  Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;  Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.  

It hasn't happened overnight, but you know, I carried that burden for a lot of years.  I have truly noticed although my locks are silver, my face has very few lines and I just continue to become more comfortable in my own skin.  My mom has decided once again to go on yet another diet.  She's played the diet yoyo game my entire life and she offered to share it with me.  My response, for the first time in my life was, "I'm not interested, I eat fresh organic food and I like my body the way it is."  She was clearly not expecting that response!  Actually, I was a bit surprised to hear myself say it, but I believe it!  

Better Choices

Mr. B doesn't like to talk to me.  Oh, he'll tell me old stories, like when he was growing up, and all about "the can plant" and a few Snorkel memories, but that's all!  We don't discuss and sadly we don't share happy memories.  The good times I have, don't involve him, per his choice and there's no indication he's enjoyed himself since the turn of this century.  I'll be honest here, I spent some time blaming him, and probably even more time doubting that I'd heard G-d at all regarding this marriage, but then it dawned on me.  Every moment that I spend thinking about the last 13 years . . . sigh; and every complaint I state about the last 13, and every doubt I ponder, is time I can't get back.

I can't change what happened 13 years ago, but I can sure stop dwelling on the doubt and the disappointment.  So many promises were broken and so many statements made that there simply is no desire to reconcile our situation or relationship, but we can choose to not invest time poorly.  I can't make someone love me or share my joy in Adonai, but no one can take my joy.  I can choose, however; to lose my joy . . . or not.  At the end of the day, week, month, or year, all I can do is determine if I did what I should have done, regardless of what was returned.  Truth be told, I really like the space this relationship affords me.  As I've shut up and stopped trying to analyze it, I've discovered I'm actually not interested in changing the way things are between us.  This is as close to having my cake and eating it too, as anyone could have!

The only power over choice I have is power over the choices I make.  Choice is a sore spot for me because before I married Mr. B, he was talking about making a decision of some kind, and I piped up encouragingly and proclaimed, "I'm all about choice!"  In the last few days I have come to realize, even though there are some serious no-choices in my life, I can still choose what I think about and where I invest my energy.  So many wonderful opportunities await, if we don't choose to spend our energy unwisely.  Interestingly, as I was writing this another situation arose that has brought the same insight.

I'm suddenly and sadly aware that my attempt to obey the fifth commandment has extracted much unproductive energy.  Some things simply will not change and of course the past cannot be undone or redone.  I'm getting a lot of practice now at making sure what bounces through my head doesn't come flying out my mouth.  I already have to repent for the thoughts I entertain, I don't want to have to repent for words that should remain unspoken!

It really is simple when I break it down incrementally.  The energy spent to engage in an unproductive conversation is spent, never to be regained.  Unproductive conversations usually have one of two outcomes.  Thoughts that are unsaid can mulled over, and replayed, which is more wasted energy ruminating; or something regrettable is said, and that is sin.  Not only wasted energy on a dead-end conversation, but sin, which is never energy well spent.  Then add the time it takes to seek forgiveness of Abba and the additional energy it takes to apologize to the person.

I am still all about choice and I am choosing to spend less energy on things that are counterproductive and that usually involves words, but then Scripture already says that . . . repeatedly.  None of us chose our parents and whether we are married or single, in good relationships or bad, we can choose how we react and how we spend our energy.

In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.  a Proverb of Holy Scripture

Replace Rather Than Repair

As life is moving forward, and the calamity of last week's Sabbath has abated, rather than repair the deck, it will be replaced.  The flooring itself may have had a couple more good years in it, but the gate is a complete goner and the railings are wobbly.  Mr. B and I had already discussed calling a guy we knew for an estimate, but somehow that just never came to fruition.  The goats provided the motivation to get serious about replacing the deck, but for some reason I just couldn't get around to calling the guy.

I designed the first deck and it was a homemade project.  It held up well through a move and being resized for the addition, but enough is enough.  The idea of more pedestrian traffic here in the Land of Goshen brought the realization, there is just no need to repair a deck that I already know will need to be replaced in two years.  I'm getting practical like that . . .

I've become intensely aware of Abba directing my steps to blessings, through what first appears to be an inconvenience or problem.  As we were coming home from town last week, we noticed someone building a deck.  Since there was a large equipment truck, we assumed the builder was a contractor and turned around to talk to him.  Sure enough, he was a contractor, gave us his card and said he'd be glad to give us a bid.  We called him that evening and the other guy that I'd been stalling about calling and both said they'd be here Monday to size up the project.

Both men called Monday for directions to the place, but only one showed up that day.  He looked it over, said he'd get back to us and by that evening we had a bid, and not a bad price at all!  Wednesday was a town day, and as we were coming home, the guy that was a no show, Monday, was coming down the lane.  He'd finally gotten around to dropping in to bid the job.  He did that without anyone being home.  It then dawned on me, from our previous dealings, why I'd not been too anxious to call him.  When he called with his bid, it was nearly double the price of the first bid!  I simply told him we'd talk it over.

The crew has been contracted to rebuild!  Then I did the ultimate woman thing on them.  They came to get started and I asked about making it larger . . . As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I realized for the first time in my life, I sounded like my mother.  My entire life, when she sees someone working, my Daddy or myself, she invariably steps in to tweak.  By nature, I'm not a tweaker, but the idea just hit me that this deck could be larger than first estimated.  The men lit up and said, "No problem!  Now's the time!"  They got out the tape measures and went from there.  I knew the best plan would be an additional 8 feet as that would eliminate sawing every board and minimize waste.  They went to their truck to confer and refigure, came out and presented the increased cost.  It was wonderful!  Done deal!

As they were leaving, ready to start first thing Monday morning, I remembered the very nice drawing he'd already done for the original bid.  I thought of my mother and her ever changing tweaking, so I asked them if there was something we needed to sign.  They said they'd do right by me, to which I responded, I know that, I thought you might like my signature to ensure there are no more changes . . .  They smiled and said, "See you tomorrow."

YHWH willing the former amateur 8' X 12' design will be replaced with a brand new professional 10' X 28' deck.

Whining

I've been whining for some time now to Abba, about the fact Mr. B doesn't treat me like a woman.  I've taken it quite personally and very hard.  I've never been treated this way before.  It's very foreign and nothing I would choose.  Sadly, after 13 years, it's not so foreign anymore, and my memories of being treated like a woman are fading into the distant past.  Don't worry, I'm not confused.  I know I'm a woman that was gifted with a great many capabilities and that's okay.  I have no desire to be in competition with anyone, although between you, me, and the fence post, I wouldn't mind being treated as the "weaker vessel" once in awhile.  That, however; is not reflective of my spiritual standing.

After the calamity on Sabbath, I realized, I really did just want a pair of big strong arms around me telling me everything would be okay.  It wasn't a matter of lust, nor did I even include a body or face with those big strong arms, just took a few moments to acknowledge to myself I may be capable, but I'm not invincible.  I could even get emotional, once in awhile, if there was a safe place to do so . . . and there is.  My office in the early morning and outdoors.  I guess I could lock myself in the bathroom, but that's just not my style.  Yesterday morning, I just wanted someone to acknowledge my pain and allow me to dramatize my crisis.  Remember Mary Tyler Moore as Laura Petrie on the Dick Van Dyke show when she would just fall apart saying "Ooooooooh Rrrrrrrrrrrrob!"  Ah well, back to reality.

As I read and pondered, thinking back to my simple invitation to Mr. B all those years ago.   I met him at his church when he announced he had just taken a job that had him working week-end days, so he wouldn't be attending much for awhile.  I was facilitating a Friday evening Torah study and oneg, so I simply handed him a card, mentioned the Friday evening gathering and said, "Don't lose fellowship."  Now it's been a number of years, that I observe Sabbath alone.  I thought of that, actually I think of it often.  What would I be doing on Shabbat, if I hadn't handed him that card?  Would I be enjoying fellowship?  Would my life have turned out differently?

It was then that I simply determined it was time to put away all the questions and realize I am where I am for such a time as this.  Another person's interest or lack thereof is irrelevant.  I still get treated not only like a woman, but like a lady . . . they just aren't my husband and now, that's okay.  As a matter of fact, it's just fine.

Vanity?

I tend to think vanity is used to address a problem in women, while pride is more masculine, although both genders can engage in vanity and pride; and both are bad.  As of late, I've heard everything from a woman shaving her legs to bridgework and false teeth; labeled as vanity.  I'm old enough to remember when women's slacks were considered immodest and skirts had to be at the knee, not to mention the make-up issue.  Now there are the head coverings, swimwear debates, and proper blousing discussions.  Sometimes all this modesty seems to be rather vain.  Some of the modesty these days is beginning to look a bit too Islamic for me.

Invariably the modesty discussions on social media seem to really draw attention to the woman's body, face, and hair style.  I've gotten to the point, perhaps it's age, perhaps it's my track record, I'd just as soon answer all the questions posed, and volunteer all the potential subjects of blackmail that could occur.  Since Mr. B has no qualms about putting me on the spot, and I have one daughter who has a history of publicizing confidentiality, I figure whatever they know could appear on social media at any time.

 I cover my head, but my hair hangs long . . . except when I'm gardening and cooking, for practical reasons.  My hair is long past my waist. It gets hot and in the way in the garden, and nobody wants a four foot strand of hair in their dinner.  Scripture doesn't speak specifically as to the definition of modesty, but does mention a woman's long hair is her glory and to pray or prophesy publicly, her head should be covered.  Some scholars believe that to mean her hair is her covering . . .  Since I'm unsure, I don't cut my hair, and when I'm in public, my head is covered.  I've heard several other viewpoints and I don't argue them, nor do I feel the need to agree.

As for attire, I do wear a skirt and top with an overblouse.  I've read discussions on how high the top should be, the concern about cleavage, etc. when a woman leans over.  One discussion even addressed concern when gardening, that a woman could cause a man to lust by the way she held herself through the weeding or harvesting.  I don't carry it to that degree.  When I get dressed, no cleavage is showing at my neckline . . . as the day wears on, I just hope nothing sags beneath the hemline of my top.  Although I don't publicly announce it, I'm quite buxom and since my kids know my bra size, I don't consider it to be a secret.  Nor do I consider honesty to be immodest.  If somebody wants to know something, just ask.  I don't mind telling the truth, nor do I mind telling someone straight out, "it's none of your business."

I am in a quandary when it comes to swimwear.  I really enjoy swimming, but my last few years as a lifeguard in my early 40s did make me feel a bit self-conscious in the uniform suit.  I've since gone with a sort of swim dress type suit, but I certainly wouldn't even consider trying to swim in the presence of the Torah modesty crowd.  Does that make me a hypocrite?  Maybe . . .  What I have discovered in reading and observing these modesty discussions, is at least for me, I think my modesty is based more upon self-consciousness than morality.  I simply don't see myself as evoking any lustful feelings in any man.

Many of the dresses, skirts, and nearly all of the headcoverings really do seem to be making a fashion statement, and trendy fashion can be quite a display of vanity.  It's as if modesty is a fashion trend, rather than a matter of the heart.  I don't see myself getting into the covering competition or modesty pageant.  I've always considered a modest woman to be one who is dressed appropriately, gracious in her demeanor, and simply unfocused on herself.

Feeling Young

I haven't discovered the fountain of youth, but I have discovered a way to feel young!  In my younger days, it seemed I was usually among the youngest in my circle of influence.  I was a young mother, and young grandma, but as life has continued to move along, there are two generations of mothers now younger than myself!  Although I am believing the Psalm that speaks of my youth being renewed, my chronological age is certainly not going backward, and seems to be gaining momentum.

Actually, I am thrilled to be the age I am and finally comfortable in my own skin.  I don't have a crowd surrounding me in agreement, but that's okay, I'm not seeking popularity or human approval.  Although my skin feels alright, actually with my natural products, I think it feels better than alright, I am aware that I'm aging.  Sometimes as I walk around the homestead, I talk to myself, reminding myself that if Messiah tarries, I still want to be doing this twenty-five years from now.  In that same breath, however; I also tell myself, this place needs some young blood.

In the last few weeks, more than one person, right around 50 made a comment indicating they saw 57 as considerably older . . .  Whether it's 50 or 57, we're in our 50s!  The "zero" years have never bothered me, but a friend told me, they'd never bothered her either, until 60.  YHWH willing, I have big plans for 60 and I don't plan on it including any misery about my age.  Sixty is the new age marker for old or young.  It used to be forty.  Folks were a young forty or an old forty.

Since it seems to take so long now to even get started in independent adulthood, forty just doesn't seem so old.  From the time I was 12, I looked forward to forty, and it was fabulous!  Forty and 41 were absolutely great, then at 47, I started homesteading.  The lull between 41 and 47 wasn't horrible, just aware that more was to come.  Fifty was good, but nothing like I expected, then more lull until I was 55.  To be honest, there were a few rough years between 47 and 55, but it as it turns out, I proved the following adage.

 The last two years have been better than I would have imagined.  Although I should probably now be able to bench-press a Buick, I don't carry extra baggage, just extra weight.  There was only one potentially negative aspect of turning 55.  In this country, for some insane reason, 55 is considered a senior citizen.  My hair has been grey for so long, I've probably been getting a senior discount without even knowing it.  Actually, now that I'm eligible for the senior discount, I can express my disdain in it.  Young families trying to raise children and put food on the table should not have to pay more than someone else.  It's just not right.  Although there is much talk of "fixed incomes" the reality in observation is seniors and teen-agers have the most expendable cash flow.  Even though many American seniors are living comfortably, most grocery stores offer a senior discount day.

Most folks between 55 and 65 are still in the work force, so the daytime hours of senior discount day, primarily consist of those over 65.  Being self employed, I've now discovered a double portion blessing in senior discount day!  First, the money I save, I can actually donate to a worthy cause and second, as I look around at my fellow shoppers that day, I feel young!  As a matter of fact, early afternoon in the grocery store on senior discount day is about the only place I'm still one of the youngest.

The Sense to Come in Out of the Rain

My parents always said, I had "book smarts" but lacked the sense to come in out of the rain.  They were half right.  I'm not so sure I have "book smarts," but I definitely don't see any reason to come in out of the rain.  I'm one of those people when it's raining and everyone is running through the parking lot to get from their car to the store or vice versa, I just walk, business as usual.  I won't melt and I will dry.  I truly love the rain.  I've written before about how much I enjoy doing spring and autumn chores in the rain.  Now, I don't go overboard and stand out in freezing rain in January, but the falling rain really does cause me to feel refreshed.

The times I've enjoyed a rain water rinse on my long silver locks are too numerous to even recount by now.  Storms can be frightening, I realize, but several places through Scripture we are assured that rain is a sign of blessing.

Due to my compromise and desire to ignore the obvious red flags, I felt somewhat personally responsible for the drought in 2012 in the Ozarks.  So many mornings, I awoke to see the parched ground, the newly planted fruit trees being devoured by grasshoppers, and I thought of Jonah.  His running from the call, caught several people in his storm . . .  That summer, I nearly gave up the gift of discernment to keep tight, my rose colored glasses.  Interestingly, once I had stood and faced the horrific accusations and let go of the wishful thinking, it was no time at all that the rain began to fall on the thirsty ground.  By the next spring the water table was back to normal, but it took another year for the pastures to be restored, and . . . I had to replant my fruit trees.

We are told in the last days, rain will be withheld from heaven as the evil increases.  I've been given a taste of that, and I can tell you, no rain in it's season is very disheartening.  I've been in a flood, and yes that also was frightening, but at that time I wasn't caring for animals and I wasn't following Messiah.  It could be I simply didn't have the sense to see it for what it was, but I don't think so.

This is my take on the difference.  A flood calls for everyone to get to higher ground where they are safe, then for the most part, it is the work of man that can be destroyed, such as levies, buildings, automobiles.  In a drought, all of creation is at risk.  Plants, animals, and humans cannot live without water.  I shudder as I read about wells going dry, and water being rationed, still in parts of the southwest . . . Scripture bears the promise that the world will never endure a total flood again.  Warning of drought is much more ominous and continual, even through the Revelation.

Often, when I am in town, I will hear folks speaking disparagingly of rain coming.  Nearly always, I pipe right up with the need for rain.  "Places with constant sunshine are called deserts."  Everyone doesn't have to share my enthusiasm for dancing in the rain, or at least walking in it, but our society has a cliche that really has given us a bad rap.  "Not having the sense to come in out of the rain" has been one of the greatest joys and times of praise in my life!  According to Deuteronomy rainfall is in direct correlation with obedience, and a few verses farther state that drought is a direct result of disobedience.

And it shall come to pass, if ye shall hearken diligently unto my commandments which I command you this day, to love YHWH your G-d, and to serve Him with all your heart and with all your soul,  That I will give you the rain of your land in His due season, the first rain and the latter rain, that thou mayest gather in thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil.  Deuteronomy 11:13-14

From Tomboy to Matriarch

All these attempts to teach children gender confusion is really bothering me.  Children go through natural phases of "not liking" the opposite sex, as well as enjoying the same interests as the opposite sex, but that really isn't a reflection of their sexuality.  Children are being sexualized at a very young age now, and that is, in my book, abuse.  Our children are being robbed of the innocence of childhood.  I truly shudder to think who and how I would be pressured, if I were a child in this day and age.  I was sexually clueless for years.  That may have been due to my multiple personality issue, but the point is, children today are inundated with sexuality from a very early age.

Although my mom was always on me about being more ladylike, and I never wanted to be like my mom, I never wanted to be a boy!  I was a tomboy, loved the outdoors, and followed Daddy everywhere I could, I still never wanted to be a boy.  I had two male cousins, one a year older and one a year younger and although I never gave any serious thought to our difference, I did realize peeing was much more convenient for boys.  They didn't have to take off their shoes to go in the house, and possibly be detained by a parent who wanted them to stay in for awhile . . . Other than that observation, I was pretty happy being a tomboy and knowing I was a girl.

The one difficulty I've had about being female, is the fact that my mother voiced her disapproval, and my sister was the picture of femininity, and we don't get along either. I couldn't play the piano, but lessons were required.  I had to walk across the living room with a book on my head, so I didn't "lope."  Summertime sports beyond swimming or tennis was out of the question.  Absolutely no softball!  I've always enjoyed being a diverse female, but I felt that I just didn't measure up.  I never felt the need to look for female approval.  Now with a husband that doesn't find me desirable, still a very disappointed mother, and one daughter who clearly stated she wouldn't want to be like me, I truly enjoy being the woman I am.  This may sound strange, but I don't respect the opinion of the naysayers, so I'm not defined by their opinion, but what about the children now?  So many are looking for a place to belong.

I still love the outdoors and can handle my share of physical work.  I can't do what a man can, but I am not a man and don't want to be one.  I do love men though!  Interestingly, the majority of men I've known through my life have consistently made the comment, that they've never known a woman like me, but it's never been said negatively toward me or other women, just in a very matter of fact statement.  I'm still an odd woman.  Everyone wants to be loved.  I'd love to be in a loving relationship, and I realize it would take a unique man to love me, but a man, none the less.  As the agenda intensifies, it appears that these children are going to be programmed to believe if someone finds them different, or they don't feel like everyone else, there is a sexual or gender identity issue and that simply is not so.

As the agenda gains momentum there have been many comments about choosing to identify . . . We all know there are little girls growing up that don't feel loved by their mothers.  Will they seek that love, later in a same sex relationship?  Many little boys are growing up with no respectable male role model.  Since the gay agenda has now changed its stand about born that way, to choosing to identify, how many of these children will be recruited simply because the agenda targets them at a certain phase or preys on their insecurities?  To introduce sexuality at a very young age causes nothing but confusion.  This is not about allowing children to express themselves, this is invasive programming, indoctrination, and recruitment!  This is targeting children through natural phases of life, to draw them into an unnatural lifestyle.

If I hadn't been the tomboy I was as a child, I would not be the matriarch I am today!

 

Love Thy Neighbor

This week has been so enlightening.  Well actually, this is far from the first time I've been graced with unsolicited analysis on social media, but this is the first time I've actually found it entertaining.  The situation was so choreographed, I just couldn't take it seriously, but I stepped into the dance.  I don't usually appreciate being singled out in a thread comment, even for something good, but admonition and analysis, double score!  And by more than one participant!

Although you might not guess it from the amount of writing I do, I don't write lengthy comments on social media.  I've been called "Queen of the One Liners."  To make a point in the midst of a thread started by another, doesn't need to be a full dissertation.  Basically, when it comes to forums and social media, even the old yahoo groups, one agrees or disagrees.  Some of the old groups used to actually raise a discussion or two, but they didn't last long.  As for forums, it didn't take long to see where everyone stood on most issues and they began to fizzle out as well.  As for the latest in internet socializing, it's time to face facts, most of us on the computer aren't really all that sociable.  We're not anti-social, it's just obvious that our social calendars are not full.

Social media does seem to accommodate those looking for their fifteen minutes of fame.  Anybody can claim any authority they choose and run with it on social media . . . and although I've made some genuine friends, I also tend to draw wannabe leaders and amateur psychologists.  Now the wannabe leaders, have their initial humble and "hung up" schtick, with lots of rules in dealing with them.  See that's the key right there.  They claim to want no attention, yet want plenty of focus, and it has to be done properly.  A lot of "my wall" rules.  I do my best to even refrain from comment, but when I agree with something, just hit "like" because that seems important to that individual.

As a socially awkward individual, myself, I still stumble and struggle through "real time" interaction both on and off line.  Except when sharing information, I prefer to simply listen or read.  I think we can speak the truth on specific matters, and should; but the bottom line is, everyone doesn't have time to hear everyone's details.  That's not uncaring, that's just time management.  Of course, I'll share a praise report, or some goat and gardening insight.  I definitely sound warnings through this publication, and I've written some very personal information for those who struggle, but I believe everything including my words, should have purpose.  I simply do not feel the need to comment on everything, nor do I desire to know all the personal details of another person's life.  When someone feels the need to analyze that, I realize they are coming from their perspective.  

 The instruction to love our neighbor as we love ourself has been weighing heavily on me lately.  Being real seems to be defined now, by "airing dirty laundry."  I'm of a different opinion.  To air all "my dirty laundry" would be a facade and not who I am at all.  I love to laugh and I enjoy stimulating discussions, but I am horrible at small talk.  I'm a good listener when it comes to folks desiring counsel, but I no longer serve as a place to vent so they can stay in their mess.  If I truly love my neighbor, which applies to anyone interact with, both real time and internet, I must be honest.  In that honesty is the fact, I don't care to make comment on everything and most of the things I do say are not aimed at anyone specifically.  Also in that love of neighbor, I must realize, everyone does not share my perspective.  We don't have to agree on everything to be nice and love can be tough, but it doesn't have to be continuously confrontational or analytical.  Love thy neighbor as you love yourself seems to hold the standard of the Golden Rule.  Perhaps I've been missing something . . .

This just occurred to me.  Maybe all the confrontational folks and amateur psychologists would like others to reach out to them in the same manner.

Self-Control

Self-control seems to be pretty rare when it comes to the fruit of the Spirit.  There are so many ways we seem to be able to justify a lack of control by calling it "righteous anger" or "protecting others" or even "the truth hurts."  Sometimes any and all of those can be the case, but not nearly as frequently as we like to rationalize.  I've heard some very harsh things said, cruel actually, and the person just shrugs and says, "I was only being honest."  There are also many behaviors in our society that are "excused" by labels, as if that removes the personal responsibility.  Sadly, in many cases, we spiritualize "the flesh" and that is far from producing the fruit of the Spirit.

The area of self-control in which I struggle the most, is my tongue.  Between some personal situations, and of course social media, I've come to understand the power of silence, but it takes a great deal of self-control at the time.  Actually, the self-control I've been gaining through the Spirit, is the absence for the need to be understood, accepted, or have the last word.  The only thing about my entire life and being that needs to be understood by another, is the amazing awesome message of the Good News.  YHWH says His Word is final.  When that sank in, I realized, trying to have the last word is playing G-d . . .

I once wrote a poem about the fruit of the Spirit, and the last verse went something like this . . .

Dear Father, it seemed as if there's been no progress,
When I lipped off the other day.
I know it appeared, I still lack self-control,
But You know, I had so much more to say!

Producing the fruit of the Spirit cannot be done by mental fortitude or "turning over a new leaf," but by surrender to YHWH.  I'm not sure I have the words, yet; to accurately convey what I mean, but I'm going to try.  I cannot make myself produce the fruit of the Spirit, none of us can.  I can, however; discipline myself to "stay out of the way" and not become defensive or offensive.  I can be disciplined by Torah [the school master] as Paul called it, to want to observe Abba's Instructions more than I want to defend myself or my own ideas . . . but it truly takes the mind of Messiah and the words of Torah written on my heart, which are both given by the Spirit of YHWH not produced in my own power.

In my case to control my tongue, I have to be very careful what thoughts I entertain.  That is up to me!  When I surrender my right to ruminate and discipline myself to take my own thoughts captive, the thoughts no longer hold me captive.  I have found the previously listed fruit of the Spirit have been instrumental in producing self-control.  They appear to be in an order . . . Abba does all things decently and in order.

We so often, at least I do, picture gentle rains and glorious sunshine for fruit production, but there's more.  My heart has to be "good soil" and like it or not, there is fertilizer involved.  It's so easy to remain calm and appearing to produce beautiful fruit, but when circumstances stink, the real production takes place, or not . . .

It's easy to love someone who loves me.  It's so easy to have joy when I'm out for morning chores with birds singing and animals surrounding me as I say the Shema.  With no television and no rush hour traffic, peace is nearly a given.  The first three in the list seem easier, in that we can find a "happy place," often alone or with our special folk, but then . . . in the list is longsuffering.  Some translations use the term, patience, but that's a rather flowery way to gloss over the true meaning.  Longsuffering, is much more accurate.  I can tell you, the longer you kick against that lesson the longer the suffering situation will remain.  It seems in my life, longsuffering and self-control are quite intertwined.

There are two things I say for victory, when the temptation to lose self-control of the tongue is presented.  First and foremost is the prayer of Psalm 141:3.  I ask YHWH to "put a guard over my mouth."  The second, I try to say to myself, but a couple of times, it's actually been stated aloud in the circumstances.  "I do not want what is bouncing through my head to come flying out my mouth."

The Spirit of the Living Creator has really brought me to the point I do desire His Will over mine, even in circumstances I find adverse.  It hasn't happened all at once, and it still doesn't happen 100% of the time, but it truly has become my heart's desire.