Releasing Regrets

The past few weeks have been truly amazing and special, as I've shared here; but with all the special blessings, have also come a time also of past regrets.  I'm not talking about others, but about my own failure and the regrets and disappointments that have sort of lurked in the shadows.  Most of my regrets took place before I was walking in covenant and following my King.  I am forgiven, but obviously, can not go back in time and change them.  All I can do is move forward, and I have.  Interestingly, these past few weeks have brought me to a place of actually releasing the regrets.

In all these years, I really didn't know how to do that.  I didn't know how to stop remembering something stupid or wrong I'd done . . . I figured everyone had regrets and probably everyone handles them in their own way, but I needed a better way.  I was truly tired of regretting so many failed relationships, in which there is no reparation.  Even without the option of going back in time, most of these failed relationships could not be rectified in future settings either, and that's where the reality of release began . . . Carrying regrets does two things.  It weighs us down and prevents us from rising to the full potential Abba has for us and it sets us up to live with blame in new relationships.

First, I cannot reconcile any previous marriage, as that is forbidden in Torah, so to continue to regret my failure, is time and energy squandered.  The only way to view those now, is to hope and pray those men are happy and have a relationship with our Heavenly Father.  I know some of them have moved on to other relationships and I hope those women do not have to "pay" for any hurt I caused the men.  I know I've "payed" for someone else's old baggage and I would not wish that on an enemy.  It could be the old baggage I've been dealt; was the consequences and comeuppance of my past behavior.

There is a meme that circulates social media regularly that sums life up rather well.  I'll include the quote here, with the credited author.

“We are free to choose our actions, . . . but we are not free to choose the consequences of these actions.”

                                                                                         ― Stephen R. Covey

Life does include consequences and most of us in our forties and fifties realize, what we thought were great ideas in our teens and twenties, have not all proven to be so great!  I don't mean to generalize or be vague, but I don't know of too many folks who didn't make at least one or two regrettable choices.  I have more than a few, but the reality is, I've had far fewer since walking with Messiah, and there's no reason to spend any more of the time I have left on regrets, I can't change, and our Heavenly Father doesn't even remember.  Isn't that so amazing about an all knowing Creator.  He is so awesome, He can choose to forget something!  In just trying to imagine His vastness, and attempting to wrap my mind and heart around His love, there is just little room for regrets.

Whining

I've been whining for some time now to Abba, about the fact Mr. B doesn't treat me like a woman.  I've taken it quite personally and very hard.  I've never been treated this way before.  It's very foreign and nothing I would choose.  Sadly, after 13 years, it's not so foreign anymore, and my memories of being treated like a woman are fading into the distant past.  Don't worry, I'm not confused.  I know I'm a woman that was gifted with a great many capabilities and that's okay.  I have no desire to be in competition with anyone, although between you, me, and the fence post, I wouldn't mind being treated as the "weaker vessel" once in awhile.  That, however; is not reflective of my spiritual standing.

After the calamity on Sabbath, I realized, I really did just want a pair of big strong arms around me telling me everything would be okay.  It wasn't a matter of lust, nor did I even include a body or face with those big strong arms, just took a few moments to acknowledge to myself I may be capable, but I'm not invincible.  I could even get emotional, once in awhile, if there was a safe place to do so . . . and there is.  My office in the early morning and outdoors.  I guess I could lock myself in the bathroom, but that's just not my style.  Yesterday morning, I just wanted someone to acknowledge my pain and allow me to dramatize my crisis.  Remember Mary Tyler Moore as Laura Petrie on the Dick Van Dyke show when she would just fall apart saying "Ooooooooh Rrrrrrrrrrrrob!"  Ah well, back to reality.

As I read and pondered, thinking back to my simple invitation to Mr. B all those years ago.   I met him at his church when he announced he had just taken a job that had him working week-end days, so he wouldn't be attending much for awhile.  I was facilitating a Friday evening Torah study and oneg, so I simply handed him a card, mentioned the Friday evening gathering and said, "Don't lose fellowship."  Now it's been a number of years, that I observe Sabbath alone.  I thought of that, actually I think of it often.  What would I be doing on Shabbat, if I hadn't handed him that card?  Would I be enjoying fellowship?  Would my life have turned out differently?

It was then that I simply determined it was time to put away all the questions and realize I am where I am for such a time as this.  Another person's interest or lack thereof is irrelevant.  I still get treated not only like a woman, but like a lady . . . they just aren't my husband and now, that's okay.  As a matter of fact, it's just fine.