Another Chance

I somehow knew, deep down, when I declared this year to be the year I would not tolerate intentional disrespect, the tests would come . . . I'm just a little over half way into this declaration and in the beginning, it got down right crazy.  People that have barely spoken to me in months, even years, were suddenly in touch.  Folks that insisted upon a "parting of the ways" religiously, are back wanting to chat.  I'm a bit shocked at my own responses.  I haven't hung up on anyone or thrown anyone out, yet . . . but; the very first thing that crosses my mind in these regular occurrences is:  'The clock is ticking on this year.  As of now, it's half over!  I don't have time for this.'

I've gotten far too old and let too much go, to miss experiencing just one year of not inviting disrespect.  I just want a little taste, then I'll go back to the rejection, judgment, rude comments, phone games, and all the stuff that goes along with our current American society, and my status therein.  In this particular life, however; I've come to ignore name calling, being categorized and labeled, and generally in dealing with certain situations, I tend to have what I call my "shoulder shrug / eye roll response.  I'm developing boundaries when someone insists upon participating in my projects or visits my place.  I'm always open to a better idea, and sometimes it simply makes no difference, but I've also come to a place of accepting their choice to be negative and even watch them go away mad.  There are things in life that really are disturbing and painful and while I do feel sorry for negative know-it-alls, I don't take their words, personally.  I like to think it's maturity and wisdom, but it could just be apathy . . .

Social media has been a good training ground for me.  Most of what I consider to be a bit outlandish can just be ignored, which is so much better than situations in person, where they can see my expression.  My poker face just isn't what it used to be, but I don't really mind just openly shutting down in front of rudeness, either.  I had a dream not long ago, and the participants were becoming a bit agitated, myself included.  Since I do have the history of the other individuals storming out when I do something that annoys them; in the dream, I simply asked, very straight faced, if I needed to quietly do those things they find annoying enough to storm out . . . then I awoke.

I'm not, for a moment, kidding myself that I will receive respect from some individuals, and certainly not from those who haven't shown it all these years, but I am adamant about not receiving disrespect, this year. The rude disrespect can wait until next year, or who knows, at the end of this year, those who find me worthy of disrespect may not be speaking at all.

This may sound rather harsh, but I've discovered the joy in not being included.  I've come to the place in life in which I really don't regret the absence of "another chance."

Acceptance

I'm not by nature, a distrusting soul, but I've learned, trust is not to be handled lightly or given indiscriminately.  This isn't about distrusting known liars, as that is just wisdom, but rather the need to accept the fact we all just do not see things the same way.  I can't possibly expect someone to make the same decision I would, in a matter in which they don't hold the same view.  People make decision based upon their perspective and we don't all share the same perspective.  It is wrong to expect someone to make a decision based upon a view or value they do not hold.

I'll use a couple of my personal examples which would be easy to follow into general society.  Our health and our finances are two rather large areas in everyone's life.  I'm not talking about vanity or the love of money, but simply the management of both, varies dramatically between people, and we do depend upon our bodies and most of us feel the need to pay our bills.  It's not a matter of skepticism or cynicism when we do not trust another person or government to manage our health or resources in the same way we do.   Realizing they simply have a different way of handling these matters should keep the issue from becoming a wedge, at least among individuals.  We cannot burden someone with a decision they cannot make or should not make for another person.  Nor should we impose our choices on another . . .

I do not adhere to Big Pharma in any way shape or form.  I do not seek medical attention for anything in my life.  I would go to a chiropractor or reflexologist if one were available, but no professional in mainstream allopathic medicine and no pharmakeia.  Although this is a general statement, and I'm sure there are exceptions, I do not trust nurses, because society has redefined a Scriptural term.  Nursing was a Biblical profession, that no longer carries the original meaning.  Nurses in Scripture worked for one family or one person for a lifetime.  Now nurses work for their employer, often a "care" facility or a pharmaceutical company, a doctor, and always the state that issued their license.  The patient is at least third on the list of priorities . . . Clearly a far cry from Deborah in Scripture.  Doctors answer to the AMA, insurance, and represent Big Pharma, so I do not feel my best interest is actually their top priority.  Now, my stand on this one issue, if I were anyone at all, would be discredited by 98% of our society, including my family.  Therefore, I choose to keep my health matters, private.

I carry a copy of health choices in writing in my wallet, just in case some sort of incident took place publicly and I was unconscious or in a situation in which I could not verbalize my wishes.  I do not expect everyone or anyone, for that matter, to share my view, but I do expect them to honor my decision for myself.  Having been in a situation in which I errantly trusted family, I have since put my choice in writing and would not contact them in case of emergency.  I've told Mr. B, in case of severe illness, he is not to notify family until I'm recovering or ready for burial, whichever is the end result.  I'm not mad at them for not agreeing with me, I just know that and accept that fact.  So my health is my business, between my Heavenly Father and myself, and trusted to no one else.

I also mentioned finances.  My parents are quite secretive about their finances and although I don't talk much about my net worth and cash flow, I do share budgeting and saving ideas when asked.  My kids are very open about their spending habits and they clearly don't align with my style.  I'm not a wealthy woman by this society's standards, but I truly do live quite well with very little expense.  I don't have a mortgage.  I raise most of my food.  My home is all electric and I have a well, so basically I have a monthly internet charge and electric bill.  I'm enjoying some benefits of wind and solar energy, so the bill for electricity is actually reduced from what it used to be.  I got rid of my television years ago, so there's no cable or satellite bill.  My business isn't on the New York Stock Exchange, but it pays for itself.  This is another area of life that folks need to realize, may or may not be a trust issue, but each generation handles finances differently and could clearly be interpreted to be a matter of trust in any given situation.

My parents have stated they have some sort of Trust and I guess no one knows what's in it, until after they die, or maybe it's just me that's not in the know . . . For whatever their reasons, they'd rather trust a stranger and that suits me well.  This way, any discrepancy or problem will not fall on my shoulders.  I'm still a bit ambivalent about what I need to do to get my final affairs in order, but I don't think it will require a Trust Fund.  I remember a few years ago when one of my kids was acting like they were going to be a part of this ministry project, but . . . much change just continued to be introduced.  I finally looked at her and said, "Shouldn't I be dead before you talk about implementing all this change?"  Which, of course, made me realize, without a protege in ministry or Divine Intervention by the Hand of the Almighty, which could include the Second Coming; this place will likely be sold after my death.

So, although I wouldn't trust my health or bank account to be handled the way I do, by anyone I know, it's not a matter of distrust, but just "acceptance."

When Your Best Just Isn't Good Enough

I'm well aware that I am not the brightest crayon in the box, nor am I drop dead gorgeous, but I am a daughter of the Most High.  All my life I felt, if something was lacking, it had to be me . . . and I should try harder, jump higher through the hoops, and meet demanded expectations.  I began getting a taste of another kind of living some years back, but it was so foreign to me, it was awkward.  Then in 2012, I was faced with compromising my beliefs to meet the demanded expectations.  I couldn't do that, regardless of the cost, and the cost was immense!  It wasn't just a one time incident, either.  The defaming continued until, well, there's just no going back.  Actually, the relationship wasn't all that great before, but I learned a valuable reality about myself that has forever changed my perspective.  Strained relationships need to be managed, but kept at a reasonable distance, rather than embracing.  There's no need to be harsh or unkind, but there's absolutely no reason to keep trying harder.

Since the age of 43, I've learned this in every relationship I've had from marriage, to family, to friendship, to social media; and the discovery has been remarkable.  My perspective is just all together different.  When I've genuinely tried my level best and prayed for greater understanding; I can just let go and be done.  It's not about being angry, it's not about a grudge, it's about accepting the fact that my best just isn't good enough and there is no "trying harder" if you've already given it your best.  It's time to shift that "trying harder" energy to acceptance, and I've done that in so many ways these past few years.  It's been so freeing and energizing!  In accepting the rejection or other's disappointment in these relationships, I've discovered how freeing it can be, and how exhausting it was to try to suit them.  

The old saying "you can't miss what you never had" completely fits my new understanding and acceptance.  The idea that trying harder will gain acceptance is just an illusion.  When one gives up the illusion, it's easy to see you can't miss what you never had.  

If one's best isn't good enough for the relationship, it's not really a close relationship, and that's all right.  Not every relationship is meant to be close, long term, and great.  Some folks just come into our life for a season or for a specific reason.  It is unfortunate, however; when the relationship with a spouse, or child, or parent is not so good; but it's not the end of the world!  If a spouse tells you they don't find you desirable, but they don't know why; that's not your problem.  Take a step back, take another look and you may realize just how mutual that non-desire is.  If a grown child, not a teen, because most teens will say it, but if a grown child tells you you're the worst parent in the world, believe them.  A good parent wouldn't have raised an adult person that would say such a disrespectful thing.  Since the formative years are over, there's no going back and trying again, so just shrug your shoulders and redirect your effort.  If a parent has told you, they'll never be proud of you, they probably won't.  Don't worry about it.  According to Scripture all we are responsible to do is to honor them.  So be sure to remember their birthdays and mother and father's day and go on with life.

A Special Year

Realizing "the jury" is still out on whether or not we should celebrate birthdays, I do enjoy taking note of the milestones and I like cake.  I like to assess the last year for accomplishment and not to dwell on disappointment, but acknowledge what I'd just as soon not experience again.  I also like to look forward to things I'd like to accomplish, Elohim willing.  So, here it is, a week after my latest milestone and I'm feeling quite blessed and energetic about the plans that appear to be unfolding.  I've faced a few facts about myself last year, which made room for some new and exciting challenges.  As I read last year's blog about my birthday, the awareness that much has gone into place toward practical preparation just washed over me.

The last couple of months have been filled with activity toward the latest "project" in practical preparation and as I walked into my office the other day, I simply smiled to myself and thought just how much I do feel like Abraham or Moses.  Although I'm not yet 75 or 80, 60 is on the not so distant horizon and I'm just now getting a real glimpse of my call in the bigger vision.  Forty years ago, I was on the threshold of adulthood, thinking I had a plan, and I was simply clueless.  All these years later, I can look back and see how merciful YHWH has been.  Regardless of what happens, this year is going to be special!  According to the Gregorian calendar, I was born in 1958 and I am now 58 years of age.  I've been granted more years than many, and given a life I certainly don't deserve.

All my adult life, I've been a sucker for obligations, but not this year.  I intend to walk in the integrity of Messiah.  If I give my word on a matter, I intend to keep it, but . . . and it's a BIG BUT.  I do not intend to give my word casually and I will not have someone put words in my mouth.  Most of my communication will likely be in written form, so I'm sure of my words.  When I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong and life experience has taught me, the less said, the fewer times I'm wrong.

I do have one goal that I hope is the will of YHWH.  I hope to be able to keep the fifth commandment while putting an end to something I've tolerated for as long as I can remember.  This year, at 58, I plan to ask my 74 year old mother to please stop telling me how I can or cannot feel and what I should or shouldn't say.  I also plan to have no further discussions regarding weight or diet with her.  She went on a diet and lost a significant amount of weight.  I tried to compliment her but rather than accept the compliment graciously, she informed me that I should go on a diet.  Hopefully, the fact that I told her I didn't want to go on a diet and I was happy the way I am will resolve that issue.  Considering the fact that she made her first comment about my weight 55 years ago, this time honored topic may not die so easily.  At any rate, I believe I'm up for the challenge and if not, I'll let it go to voice mail and return the call when I'm sure I'm prayed up . . .

According to the book of James, our plans are to be qualified with "if it be the will of Elohim."  Well, I have a few certainties in mind for the coming year.  Every morning that He causes me to awaken, I plan to be grateful, which I know is His will.  Everything He leads me to set my hand to, I intend to do with "all I got," which I know is His will, it's in writing!  This year will be special and while I'm not trying to sound selfish, I don't intend to participate in too many extraneous obligations or spend energy on distractions and drama.  I plan to be busy about my Father's business . . . which is also a guarantee to be His will.  It seems, the distractions and drama are how we miss His will.  I plan to present my body a living sacrifice, which is "my reasonable service" and to be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of Elohim.  

About Aging

 Although I have never seen Star Wars, nor the latest movie, I did find myself following the comments comparing the way Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher have aged.  Our society seems to think men age better than women, but I disagree.  I believe we simply have a different standard by which we judge the sexes.  Some folks do age better than others, and while some may remain attractive, their health isn't necessarily better . . . The late Paul Newman is a perfect example of this statement.  We've allowed ourselves to be programmed by Hollywood, in that men can remain leading men throughout their careers, but a leading woman in her twenties and thirties is usually relegated to supporting actress by the time she hits her forties . . .

I believe this claim is really based on the premise that men are more visual than women, therefore a feminine youthful look is considered to be more attractive.  The truth of the matter is, there is a certain attractiveness in youth that fades as we age, but there is also a light of seasoned wisdom that comes with age which has a different but obvious attraction . . . in both sexes.  Statement of fact, unless a man is aging like Sam Elliot or Denzel Washington, we regular women notice the not so perfect traits of the aging average man, just like men notice our changes.  For the record, Steve Harvey and George Clooney are also aging well.  Obviously I'm using Hollywood as the standard of attractiveness for one simple reason, the names and faces are recognizable to most everyone, and if you don't recognize the name, they can all be "Googled."

We women are quite capable of assessing physical qualities and just like men, we do take note of the deterioration.  Now, this is not all men or all women, but I do think even though both sexes know deterioration does occur, most women would rather not be with someone who is in dramatically better physical shape than they are in.  We've all seen an older guy with a younger woman . . . and admit it, the first thought is, "he must have money."  If he doesn't have money, we begin to analyze what her issues must be . . .  I think our society has programmed or at least encouraged the thinking that a partner is an enhancement of one's own image.  Older men with younger women seem to think the younger woman gives them a more attractive presence.  I'm realistic enough and practical enough to know if I were on the arm of a man, two decades my junior, I'd just look old and silly.

At 57 years of age, I can see that everything on my body is not what or even where it used to be, and although some may still consider me relatively attractive, I'm never mistaken for 30.  I do think men have a greater confidence in their aging process, which may come across as more attractive, or in many cases ignorantly arrogant.  I can't speak for all women, and although we may not be as visual as men, we aren't blind!  I have been somewhat aghast at some folks who really seem to see themselves in a much better light than the rest of us notice.  I've seen middle aged couples that have caused me to wonder more than once, what one must have seen in the other . . . and then I see some who look very much equal in the way they are aging, be that well or . . . equally, not so much.  It's as if they have maintained the same speed and direction.

Sadly, I think our society has just become very superficial.  I know one gal who is always talking about physical appearance and considers herself to be quite attractive.  I refer to her with a special dichotomy.  She is "deeply superficial."  I do not consider myself to be a superficial person, and there is certainly more to a person than their physical appearance.  There is one trait that is absolutely necessary for me to find a man attractive and that is a good strong work ethic.  I don't care what color his hair is, or even if he has hair.  Nor do I care what he does, be it white collar or blue collar, but a work ethic is vital.  At this point in life, I'm blessed to know several retired men who retired from respected careers and remain quite active.

A gal named Donna Lou Stevens wrote a song that is not only entertaining and enjoyable, but speaks the heart of so many women.

Updating My Look

When the style you are wearing comes in and goes out a second time, it's probably time to consider just how long one has been clinging to their favorite outfit.

I've "enjoyed" the same style for nearly a quarter of a century . . . That statement alone makes me realize it was time for an update.  The fabric of my broom skirts has worn terribly thin, and many of them have become beyond repair, thus relegated to chore skirts.  I've discovered when cotton threads wear thin, eventually repairing them can actually cause greater damage, so I'm down to about three that are still pretty much fit for polite society . . .  I've gone with a cotton knit straight skirt now in solid colors.  I still like my colors and my layered top look, so the change isn't drastic, but after all these years, I have some new clothes.

I really hoped my clothes, like the children of Israel in the desert,  might not wear out for 40 years. Considering the fact that I've actually owned some of these skirts for more than 20 years, and I bought them at thrift stores and the Salvation Army, perhaps they are nearly that old.  I'd say they've held up well . . .  I'm also changing my head covering a bit, but my real point is, I've enjoyed having my own style rather than trying to keep up with the changing styles.  As mentioned previously, I maintained my style so long, it actually came back around, but the fabric quality of the new broom skirts just wasn't the same, and the price was really more than I could justify, so . . . change came.

My head coverings have changed through the years.  At one time, I had hats, then large bows, then scarves and kerchiefs, and I've always had a few feathers for special occasions.  In light of the fact that our nation is receiving Muslim refugees, I'm tending toward the head covering idea that "less is more."  I don't want to appear to be wearing a hijab, so the large scarves are being relegated to High Holy Day prayer "shawls" and feathers will no longer be just for special occasions.  As a Native American, I'm dark, yet with light eyes, which could result in the "privilege" of being racially profiled.  I believe the feathers will serve to cover my head, as well as offer the proper racial profile.  I'm not talking powwow headdress here, just a few feathers, daintily arranged on a barrette.

I've been having fun cleaning the closet and wondering if anything I am tossing is even worthy of donation, but if it's in good repair, share, I shall!  In this closet and dresser cleaning, I found some bras I thought I'd lost years ago in a move.  They were practically new when my size changed dramatically.  Since they were still built for buxom, I wanted them to go to someone who could really use the savings in a gift.  Full figured foundation garments are far from cheap!  I was, of course, hesitant to just post the offer on social media, so I prayed.  A friend popped into mind, so I simply asked her if she or her daughter wore that size.  She did, I mailed them, she called, and squealed with delight as she told me how pretty they were!  She was also thrilled in the quality!

I'm also enjoying a bit of shopping in very short spurts, really thinking this may be my last make-over.  I'm going full on tribal, modest, and earthy.  At my age and the current conditions in the world, if this new style lasts a quarter of a century, it may be more than enough!

Regrets and Ripples

Several folks have seemed rather contemplative this season and many downright disappointed in some aspects of their lives.  I'm no exception.  Most of us have made some decisions before we were in Covenant with our Heavenly Father, and those consequences can be long lasting.  I have several regrets, and although I know I've been forgiven, the ripple of those regrets continue to surround my life, on occasion.

I must interject this, however; the ripples of regret no longer actively revolve around my life, but there are occasional reminders.  On a brighter note, even some of my less than good choices, have not all resulted in ripples of regret.  We might as well face it, very few of us have a pure testimony.  Mine is far from stellar, but at 36 my life changed, and it's never been the same.  Sadly, I've still made mistakes with regrets, while there are those who would continue to remind me and others of my ancient history.  My ancient history compared to the life I live now, is absolute proof of the power of YHWH to change a life.  I certainly didn't earn His love, but I am so grateful for His grace and mercy.

The life I now live and the stand I have taken has resulted in a great deal of rejection, but in reality, I wasn't ever that popular or well received, anyway . . . As I've considered this blog, I realized I was already failing in mainstream and certainly with relationships, long before I was rejected for my relationship with YHWH and lifestyle of following Messiah.  Apparently, when one is chosen, even before they realize it, mainstream just doesn't flow well for them.  A child of YHWH simply doesn't fit into mainstream society, and I think the choices they make outside of His will can be even more devastating than those who are not of Him.  Abraham's choice comes to mind frequently.   Getting outside of the plan when one is called of YHWH can have long lasting dire consequences.

Probably what is the most difficult for all of us who have come to the place of confessing our sins and regrets to our Creator, is the difficulty in watching others make the same choices or worse.  We want to save them the heartache we've had, but we have to realize, not everyone is called or chosen and we can't save anyone . . .  We can preach The Word, share a testimony and we can certainly pray, but hearing and applying is up to them.

I'm even sorting through what I believe about predestination and what that means as our lives move from our own path to His.  Some of the regrets and ripples were simply never meant to be a part of our life, and therefore when we do step into His perfect Will, we'll have to let go of some things and some people, or more often than not . . . they'll let go of us.  In becoming a new creation, this can cover relationship, careers, even geographical location.  Messiah said we must be willing to give up everything to follow Him.  Today, I realize, that also means giving up regrets . . .