Whining

I've been whining for some time now to Abba, about the fact Mr. B doesn't treat me like a woman.  I've taken it quite personally and very hard.  I've never been treated this way before.  It's very foreign and nothing I would choose.  Sadly, after 13 years, it's not so foreign anymore, and my memories of being treated like a woman are fading into the distant past.  Don't worry, I'm not confused.  I know I'm a woman that was gifted with a great many capabilities and that's okay.  I have no desire to be in competition with anyone, although between you, me, and the fence post, I wouldn't mind being treated as the "weaker vessel" once in awhile.  That, however; is not reflective of my spiritual standing.

After the calamity on Sabbath, I realized, I really did just want a pair of big strong arms around me telling me everything would be okay.  It wasn't a matter of lust, nor did I even include a body or face with those big strong arms, just took a few moments to acknowledge to myself I may be capable, but I'm not invincible.  I could even get emotional, once in awhile, if there was a safe place to do so . . . and there is.  My office in the early morning and outdoors.  I guess I could lock myself in the bathroom, but that's just not my style.  Yesterday morning, I just wanted someone to acknowledge my pain and allow me to dramatize my crisis.  Remember Mary Tyler Moore as Laura Petrie on the Dick Van Dyke show when she would just fall apart saying "Ooooooooh Rrrrrrrrrrrrob!"  Ah well, back to reality.

As I read and pondered, thinking back to my simple invitation to Mr. B all those years ago.   I met him at his church when he announced he had just taken a job that had him working week-end days, so he wouldn't be attending much for awhile.  I was facilitating a Friday evening Torah study and oneg, so I simply handed him a card, mentioned the Friday evening gathering and said, "Don't lose fellowship."  Now it's been a number of years, that I observe Sabbath alone.  I thought of that, actually I think of it often.  What would I be doing on Shabbat, if I hadn't handed him that card?  Would I be enjoying fellowship?  Would my life have turned out differently?

It was then that I simply determined it was time to put away all the questions and realize I am where I am for such a time as this.  Another person's interest or lack thereof is irrelevant.  I still get treated not only like a woman, but like a lady . . . they just aren't my husband and now, that's okay.  As a matter of fact, it's just fine.

Morality or Personal Issues?

Many of us claim to base our code of morality on Scripture, but I've also noticed we tend to weave our own hangups and issues into the equation.  Now, obviously, "thou shalt not kill" and "thou shalt not steal" seem to be pretty universally accepted even by those who believe the law has been done away with.  The first four commandments appear to be open to interpretation by most, while the fifth depends upon the religious leaning of the parents demanding honor.  Meanwhile, our society has redefined the term "covet" and "bearing false witness against" seems to be categorized differently than actually lying.  Diplomacy and political campaigns are certainly exempt from the standard of straight honesty.  Speaking of straight, the seventh commandment, "thou shalt not commit adultery" seems to cover a myriad of social sexual issues.  Which brings me to the actual topic.

How many of us actually base our view of sexual morality on our own experience and/or our own insecurities?  As a former "serial bride" I now tend to lean toward a more fundamental interpretation regarding marriage after a divorce, for myself.  I am no longer a proponent of state licensure for the marriage covenant, but I do believe one must be free from any state obligation before entering another relationship.  I also believe there should be some sort of "official religious" recognition or announcement before the relationship is consummated.  Again, this is my perspective, based upon my own experience, and this perspective has been gained by my failure rate and insecurity.  I rarely address the topic of marriage,because I know in my heart of hearts, my perspective is based upon failure, rather than spiritual conviction.  I have no success story to offer!

When I wasn't following Messiah, how could I even presume that any marriage I entered was a covenant ordained by our Creator?  That is not to say, the marriages of folks who marry before becoming believers can't be fully blessed when they become believers, because I've seen it happen.  I rejoice for them in their blessed union!  Some of us have simply not found our soul mate, and I believe some of us, primarily women, do not necessarily have an earthly soul mate.  Scripture says, "It's not good that man should be alone."  It doesn't really say that about women.  There are passages that say woman was made for man, but the context is usually in addressing the leadership position and order of the household.

In my own life, I have had to recognized, this is simply not an area of life in which I am equipped for success.  My last husband and I are not soul mates, nor do we desire physical intimacy with each other, so unless one of us were to desire an intimate relationship with someone else, a divorce is unnecessary.Then again, if one of us already had a new partner in mind, a divorce for remarriage would be adultery . . .  I can't speak for him, but I have accepted and embrace the fact I do not require physical intimacy in life and an un-divorce continues to provide a covering that avoids awkward social situations.  As for my last husband, even though his rejection really hurt my feelings at first, I am completely free of guilt in the way the situation has unfolded.  I do hold to the truth, however; my situation is unique to me and certainly must not be presented as a standard of morality for others, other than to agree with Paul that not all of us burn with passion.