His Perfect Strength in My Many Weaknesses

I've been quiet and contemplative for a time, because life happened in spite of my tenacious attempt at denial!  A word of wisdom here.  When one has to concentrate on denial, the attempted purpose is lost.  As I focused on denying the fact my health was deteriorating, denial became impossible.  For a time, my effort at denial took all the creative energy I had, and it still failed.  The time of the red walker was short lived.  So, as I sit here in a wheel chair, I'm back to blogging . . . and thinking about how truly thankful I am, for the respite I enjoyed from this old nemesis called MS.

Nearly eighteen years ago, I realized natural remedies, mainstream medicine, and faith were not all compatible, even though our society says otherwise.  A choice had to be made, so I stopped using mainstream medicine with pharmakeia, including OTC products.  Since our Heavenly Father created herbs, and Scripture tells us to be anointed with oil, it seemed clear that natural remedies and faith could be complimentary.  Through the years, I've been surprised to receive so little support from the "faith" community, but for many of those years, I was greatly blessed with wonderful health from our Heavenly Father and to enjoy great strength and mobility.  Those who have been discouraging, apparently do not realize, there is still no cure for MS.  The fact that there is still no cure, made the decision to leave mainstream medicine and pharmakeia, even easier.  It's not like I'm missing any major advancement in modern medicine!  But more importantly, I left mainstream medicine and pharmakeia based upon Scripture and faith.

Although I'm not thrilled to have an MS exacerbation, it's not as bad as it could be.  I've been diagnosed and experienced exacerbations for nearly 4 decades, but the protection from an exacerbation through a certain period of time has been beyond wonderful.  My previous exacerbation began in 2000 and the prognosis was not in the least bit hopeful . . .  I was in my wheel chair until July of 2001.  I married in March of 2002, thinking a ministry partnership would unfold.  I sure missed that by a mile . . . but even in that, I chose denial for a time.  By fall of 2003, the reality was obvious, and with no end in sight, the stress began.  I was done, but the Mr. refused to leave.  Now, if G-d was a person, He'd have most likely just fired me; but His ways are not our ways.  Since then the thought has crossed my mind several times, that without His grace, He could have just left me to my own devices or even killed me in judgment, but He allowed me time to ask forgiveness and get busy in His plan.   He still led me relocate, and I thought that might end the marriage, but it continued through the move.  When the entire truth finally came out, I was devastated; in that the marriage still stood.  As I was establishing the homestead, I contemplated how in the world someone could want to stay with someone they didn't desire, and how someone could intrude and stay without sharing the dream of the other person.  Stupidly, I attempted to talk to the Mr. about it, but . . . well I already used the proper adverb, so enough said there.

In less than two years of relocation and establishing the homestead of learning, Mr. B fell ill, ill unto death.  I did intercede on his behalf in prayer as did many, but the care taking on his lengthy road of recover fell squarely on my shoulders.  I look back on that and realize Father really did pour supernatural compassion and strength in me.  The time of recovery, literally took years.  In those years, I tended to him, managed the homestead, wrote books and blogs, hosted a radio show, enjoyed visits from my grandchildren through their school breaks, and relocated to a larger acreage.  Without supernatural strength, I couldn't have done what I did, nor received the help that I did!  Through all that, my health was amazingly good!  My parents did make a few extra trips to visit and help through that time and I remember when my Mom told me I hadn't looked so good in years.  I thought to myself, and it still brings a chuckle.  So, stress and exhaustion are quite becoming on me.  I'm so glad I didn't say it, though, because the reality is, it was the supernatural strength of The Almighty radiating from me.  His strength shining through my weaknesses!

Through Mr. B's recovery time, I was given the opportunity to host a radio show about simplicity.  The time of the radio show was great, but ministry, running a larger homestead, maintaining websites and Q&A pages took a lot of energy.  Nearly everything mentioned in the previous paragraph took place in those years of radio.  Through this time of high energy, high activity, I truly realized G-d hadn't fired me.  All in all it was a very fulfilling time for me.  It was a wonderfully busy few years, but I knew something had to give, so . . . I gave up the radio show . . . and a few months later started a natural health business.

The next pivotal year was 2012.  Not long after writing "Can We All Be Wrong?" one of my daughters read it and announced she and her family would be relocating to work with me, not only on the homestead, but in ministry.  Even through that highly stressful ordeal, Father kept me strong, but some of the old symptoms were subtly and sporadically reappearing.  I fell and broke my wrist, but it was an "explainable accident," so life went on.  I was also becoming aware of the spasms when exhausted, and a few of the other old symptoms were appearing randomly, but I kept moving.  Then there was the huge "break down" with my daughter.  At the point she left, we became officially estranged, and still are, nearly six years later.  That was very stressful, but Father gave me Scripture and a time to grieve.   It wasn't much more than a month after she left, I fell again, breaking my arm and rebreaking the wrist I'd broken earlier in the year.  Through this same time, the health of one of my oldest and dearest friends was failing.  Her sister asked me to come celebrate her fiftieth birthday. In the drive up there, I noticed some issues with my sight, but I wrote that off to infrequent long drives, highway monotony, and sadness.

As winter of 2012 turned into 2013, I wrote another book, and through that time, became painfully aware that my legs were becoming affected.  Yet, I still said nothing and kept moving!  By 2013, Mr. B was ready to participate in life, once again, so he began to help with some of the chores.  By the end of that year, my elder daughter noticed, my gait was not normal, and my strength was not what it had been.  She and I had a couple of glasses of wine and decided to chalk it up to getting older!  Since that time, the stairs became more difficult to navigate and the falls and injures increased, while my energy level fell out from under me.  I did have a wonderfully productive year in 2016, and published another book in '17, but balance and walking were becoming difficult.  So, I got a pool for therapy!  It was wonderful!  I still maintained my usual activities, but I began downsizing and cutting back.  I didn't have enough energy for everything I usually did while trying to maintain denial!

Now, Father has allowed me to be seated, for a time . . .  I've said all this to say this.  It was only by His power and His strength that I was able to do all I did this past decade.  And . . . the time of remission while not seeking mainstream medicine has been the longest I've every enjoyed!  MS and denial are definitely weaknesses, but as promised in II Corinthians 12, His strength is perfect in our weakness.  There are plenty of weaknesses in my life.  He's already shed some light on what is unfolding, but I have to give thanks that He kept the MS at bay through Mr. B's illness and lengthy recovery, and He gave me the strength to do radio and write books. I'll interject here, that as a rule, most of my serious writing is done while seated.  I can't even imagine where I'd be now, if the MS had crashed me through Mr. B's illness.  We'd probably both be in a nursing home, arguing about having to be roommates.  I don't even want to think about that!

HalleluYah!  I still have my own private room at home.  Father kept me strong as I had to face the truth between my daughter and I, as well as between Mr. B and myself.  Graciously, Father allowed me the time to grieve so I could move on.  Even through my own denial, He kept me safe, and I was able to put so many things in place that can be managed from a seated position.  He even allowed me to receive an all terrain power wheel chair, so all the chores on the place can be accomplished.

I'm not thrilled with my current status, but I'm so thankful for the time I've been given and for the fact, it didn't happen earlier!

https://www.yahoo.com/news/anthony-bourdain-reveals-pictured-harvey-135508461.html

Comparing and Questioning is Inevitable

This blog topic has been rattling around in my brain for awhile now.  Interestingly, it simply must leave my head today.  Yesterday was the day most married couples celebrate and commemorate the day they said, "I do."  I don't celebrate it, but I don't really make an adverse point of it, either, usually.  Today is sad, in that I no longer have enough emotion about this issue to even feel angst about it, although with the sorrow of "nothingness" I am feeling a bit of regret.  I've never been married so long, and felt so little to celebrate.  When Mr. B stated in regard to the marriage, "he "planned to just ride it out," I felt the last of the angst.  Once I got past that, I gained perspective.  The "bonds of holy matrimony" are much different than the bondage of a marital contract.  One is sharing a life and the other is "serving life."  Does it feel like a sentence?  Absolutely!  But then, I have privilege on good behavior, and unlike prison, when my good behavior is questionable, Mr. B just chooses to not deal with me at all, so either way, win/win!  What I have learned through the years is apathy is regarded as "good behavior" while emotional displays are deemed bad.  The great thing after all these years, is I no long have an emotional investment.  That seems so strange to realize.  Which has brought an interesting line of thinking to the forefront that I used to do my utmost to keep buried or at least on a back burner.

I have a seriously shameful marital track record.  Some of that is based upon poor choices for the altar while a couple of them are just genuinely my fault.  Unlike many divorced people, I do not and cannot say all the men were bad.  Well, a few of them were, but not all.  Three of my ex-husbands were good men, but sadly we were not a good couple.  I didn't think I was a horrible wife, but at the time, do we ever think we are the problem in the situation?  To be honest, I wouldn't go back to any of my previous marriages, because Scripture prohibits returning to an ex-husband if a woman has remarried and divorced again or been widowed.  Yes, marriage after divorce is outlined in Scripture!  Many denominations believe that one should not remarry after divorce and although I don't actually agree with that blanket statement, at this point in life with a string of failures, I can say remarriage after divorce may not be best for everyone.  That's not the point today, though.  A person can remain in a failed marriage while still being productive, but that's when the memories and the comparing may begin . . .

Obviously when a number of years have passed, the good memories are intensified and the bad memories have faded, so another very good point in being obedient to Scripture to not reconcile after another marriage.  I've seen folks remarry after divorce and I'm guessing within a month, both parties remember all the details of what led to the divorce!  I honestly don't know what all my ex-husbands are doing now, but I do believe the good ones are happily married or in quality companionship relationships.  All of my exes were considerably older than I was and as of this morning I'm sitting at 60, so everybody mentioned is on social security and medicare.  The thing is, and I know from my own history, I've never given a longing thought to an ex-husband . . . until this prolonged situation.

Granted, in my younger years when things were difficult, I regrettably called it quits, but in this situation, things became difficult hours after the wedding, and there is no way out now, except death . . . Which makes one's old memories much more vibrant and valuable . . . and oh, how they are!  I'm in no way saying my current husband is a bad man, but he is the one who chose to reject me.  He let me know very early that, as it turned out, he did not desire me as a wife, yet insisted that we not divorce.  I knew his pride was fragile regarding another failed relationship, so I endured, hoping we'd find an quiet, amicable way to go our separate ways, but . . . When his illness and disability came into the picture five years after the marriage, I knew all hope of a divorce was gone, and by that point reconciliation was certainly not a desire on either part.  So, I have gone on all these years, simply as a prop to make him look the way he wants to appear . . .  Although void of companionship or marital intimacy, I've been able to live the life I was called and ordained to live, outside of a marital relationship while still in a marriage.  I don't have to keep trying to do what just isn't attainable.  I live as a single caretaker, who doesn't date.  Given the circumstances, I don't think I'm sinning.

In the early days, my mind wandered at times, to merely recuse myself from whatever potential intimacy might be looming to transpire at the time.  That first lesson came easily on the honeymoon and went on from there.  I may be the only woman whose fantasies actually involve my own absence . . . but in the past 15 years my mind shifted; and in the absence of any attempt at closeness for so many years now, my mind has wandered to the "what ifs" of yesteryear.  Not that I would go back, but just the fact that I did make some good memories with someone!  With those what ifs, has also come the memories of "what was" and what made the good times, probably better than they really were, but some of the good times and good memories were genuinely good.  Thus the rub . . .  I don't dare speak of what I think, therefore, spending much time thinking on these memories is probably not a great idea.

Never, in the history of my relationships, have I ever compared men . . . until now.  People are simply different and we are all different at different points and ages in our lives.  Mr. B gave me some wonderful insight, several years ago, when I was very concerned in my dealings with another individual.  Dealing with this individual was always unstable and certainly lacked trust, but I didn't want to hold a grudge either.  I asked aloud, "I don't want to hold a grudge, but at what point does repeated forgiveness turn into setting yourself up?"  His response was clear.  He said, "If there's no change in behavior, remembering is not a grudge, it's wisdom!"

And so it is, all these years later, there's no grudge, but simple resignation to the fact we share an address.  I am sorry, however; when I think of good times in marriage, those memories have nothing to do with the current situation.  I do have to say, though, unlike the bands above with "the sentence" ALWAYS and FOREVER engraved; my wedding ring set is gorgeous!

True Confession of a Peculiar Princess

Scripture uses the term "peculiar" as a very good and special description of the people of The Most High.  Of course, our society has a different, somewhat negative definition, and truthfully, both definitions fit me.  My Heavenly Father calls me peculiar, in a very good way, because His Son has made that happen.  Our society calls me peculiar, because I march to a drumbeat most do not hear.  It's at this point in life, however; I'm not marching so well . . .

I've been giving the idea of becoming 60 some serious thought for a few months now.  I'm not going to be an "old lady" in a red hat, or an old lady dressed in purple, although I may wear those vibrant colors . . . I'm going to be sporting a red walker, while my silver locks are adorned with a tiara! 

I truly wanted to be vibrantly healthy at 60.  I was hoping for a much better year than last . . . I got so much accomplished in 2016, and then literally fell flat just as 2017 rolled in.  I got over the first fall, pretty well.  I never missed chores or even a day's milking, but the second fall was another matter, entirely!  For a time, life came to a screeching halt.  I literally couldn't get up and down on the milking stool, so a very dear friend helped me dry off Annabelle.  He offered to continue milking her, but I told him we needed to dry her off, as I knew this recovery was going to take some time.    Between you, me and the fence post, I didn't expect it to take THIS MUCH time!  There were a few days, the only thing that didn't hurt was my right pinkie and it has a scar from years ago . . . The road to recovery was rockier than the gravel road that leads here, and it had more ravines.

The bruises have diminished and most of the bones are back in place, but the MS has been ugly.  I can honestly say, for the first time in nearly 20 years out of mainstream health care and off of pharmakeia, I've had a temptation or two.  The thought of just one day pain free has crossed my mind, more than once; but then I'm reminded the pharmakeia doesn't heal MS or even eliminate the pain, it just numbs my brain.  With my body needing extra rest and my brain not being numbed, sometimes my mind has wandered back to the years I wasted . . . back when I had energy and a stable gait, but I simply can't focus on the past and keep the vision in sight.  Father's grace truly is sufficient.  He forgave me for those wasted years.  I've been blessed to meet a great many people who also struggle with chronic illness and autoimmune disease.  I want them to know, they still have purpose in this world!  And I continue to pray and seek natural formulas, that folks may become free of pharmakeia.

In this year of injury, MS exacerbation, and chronic pain like I've never felt before, I've come to realize; stoicism is not the answer.  I can't just grit my teeth and push my way through some of this.  After 12 years of running a homestead with a walking stick, I have to move on to a walker, if I want to keep moving.  I think for a number of years, folks just saw my walking stick as a sort of "prop" for my image, but deep down, I knew I needed it for the balance.  That fact was confirmed nearly six years ago when I fell and broke my arm while walking without it.  My son-in-law could always find me, by where my walking stick was leaning . . . and I can assure you, this walker will be hard to miss.

I can't say the tiara will be a daily part of my attire, but on days I forget who I am and Whose I am, it will be a nice reminder.