Perplexing . . . yet Illuminating

More than a few years ago in prayer, I told YHWH I wanted to be His friend, like Abraham, and be a woman after His own heart like David was a man after His own heart. That was when prayer turned to communion and fellowship; and my life turned upside down. Let me qualify the contents of this article by clearly stating, I am not experiencing a god complex, but rather I've gotten a taste of how we, His creation, and some of us, His children treat Him. Next thing I know, I was led to write a book . . . and received the reviews, interpretations, questions, comments, and critiques.

We all know the folks that are "Christian" in name only, or Jewish by birth.
Well, I came across a husband who wanted to be married in name only, but, of course, to receive the blessings of a faithful wife . . . He wanted the promises of the covenant, but he continued to re-write his conditions of the covenant, and every time there was an attempt to work together, guess how it went and who got blamed? Now, I'm only comparing small non-essential events to this scenario, but . . . How many times do we hear that very thing in the wake of crisis. Where was G-d when such and such happened? I thought so and so was supposed to be a preacher or a servant of G-d . . . YHWH and His servants receive a ton of bad PR, but unlike we humans, His bad PR is all undeserved.

There are also those folks who tend to talk about prayer and may even attend church or synagogue in the wake of a crisis. Many parents have experienced that with older teens or young adult children. We hear from some, for a time, only when they want something or are in crisis. I've been through that with a daughter. Each attempted interaction became even more strained and difficult. I felt that she was tolerating me as best she could and I hate the fact that I made her feel that way. We've discussed feelings and to this day and she thinks I discounted hers. As a mother I "felt" awful about making her feel bad . . . Each family ordeal turned more inside out than the usual dysfunction until the final escalation and strangely there is peace that came with that. A decision was finally made.

G-d knew that would be the case with His children, as He put in His Word, and I'm paraphrasing, "Don't forget Me in the good times." It's easy to remember a loving G-d or a loving parent, when we hit rock bottom. I've even suggested to many folks that G-d likes to hear from His children and if He only hears from us in times of trouble . . . we're certainly not living in His protection and providence. The prodigal son came home when he'd exhausted all other possibilities and realized a pig pen was no place for a nice Jewish boy and he'd be better off as his father's hired servant.

We've also heard for years, those who don't think G-d is fair to all. I mean, what about when He lets bad things happen to good people? First, who says we're good? I'm now seeing, after having put my own story in writing, it leaves me open to all, and vulnerable to to the critical judgment of those who choose to read my work. I've actually experienced feedback challenging and debating my intent, message, and accuracy. Hmmm . . . doesn't that sound like the "interpretation of Paul's writings?" Not to mention the words of Y'hshuwah being repeated out of context. And the ultimate debate over whether G-d still means for Torah to be in effect and if "forever" is really interpreted to be . . . forever. In this, I've had just a small taste of what it is to go to the trouble to offer something, only to have it rebuffed and edited. I've also come to understand in my own shortcomings in this area, just how good He truly is.

Our society is full of those who believe compassion and condoning are one in the same . . .
I think the strangest part of all of this is the recent revelation in which I was informed by a loved one that said they knew I loved them, but didn't think I liked them. I thought of John 3:16 and I John 4:8, when I heard it. Scripture tells us G-d loves the world, and He is love, but Scripture also tells us a great number of things that do not please Him. Please hear this, once again. I am not claiming perfection here, but rather a glimpse of insight into what YHWH deals with, with us, which is to say, His heart. That individual was correct. I do love them, still do, but cannot find a place of comfortable connection and unfortunately "aiming for it, seems more like taking jabs . . ." Oddly, the words now spoken don't change my feelings of love or like. With YHWH all things are possible, and it is possible to love someone without liking them . . . It's also completely possible to hope in YHWH that circumstances change.

Then there are the awesome folk who are used by the enemy to be reminiscent of the past . . . That's a tough one, I still struggle. There have been occasions in which I've slammed doors and dishes to keep from saying what's flying through my mind, until I can get alone with YHWH and bring the thoughts captive in Y'hshuwah. Truth of the matter is, even with "new life" the old one will tend to creep back in when the old accusations and past are flung at us. We can still love those people and realize they are being used by the enemy, in their own unhappiness. We don't have to condone behavior to have compassion for them, and we mustn't condone our own shortcomings if we want victory.

I used to think love could not exist without trust, but in years of ministry and varying circumstances I can honestly say there are a number of folks I've loved, but couldn't trust. What made those relationships so volatile was the fact that I wanted to trust them. I wanted them to be who I wanted them to be. I set us both up, time and time again, by my expectations. By that same token, I can love people who don't trust me and really aren't too wild about my perspective of life. Love and trust don't necessarily go hand in hand. Love can be generalized, trust is specific to an interactive relationship of comfort. YHWH wants us to trust Him as well as love Him. John tells us He loves the world, but the Psalmist tells us in the 25th Psalm, YHWH is particular about who He trusts . . .

This is not to reduce YHWH to our level, nor is it to elevate our own worth, but simply to see just how many ways we treat Him like we treat each other, or even worse and more taken for granted. I truly believe that G-d loves all of His creation, humanity in particular, but He doesn't like everything we do, and His Word is pretty clear about not liking our attitudes and intentions. It seems the more I seek Him and His heart, the more I see how much we hurt each other and how much we hurt Him, and how very gracious and merciful He truly is; and has been with me.

Beauty Created by our Creator

I had an article already written for this week's publication, but a short video came into my awareness that changed everything. In our society of airbrushed beauty, we seem to forget that G-d created us and chose for each of us the features and physical attributes that we have.

As I watched this video, a sense of guilt washed over me, as well as a sense of gratitude. I have never considered myself to be a beautiful woman, but I've clung to the idea of being able to be attractive. Although I consider myself to be the opposite of photogenic, many people have commented on my having pretty eyes and a friendly smile. I choose to believe them. I have no reason to think strangers would comment out of the blue, dishonestly. I don't have the best of self-images and I discovered in watching this video that many others share that same sense of self.

Suffice it to say, I now realize I spent my best years, not appreciating the fact that they were my best years . . . I remember one day, coming to absolute grips with that fact in prayer. Have you ever had G-d just be absolutely blunt with you? Well I did one day as I was whining about my last marriage. I mentioned to my Abba, how I'd given this guy my best years in reference to my vanity and appearance. Abba was very clear and distinct to inform me, those were already history, before I met the guy. Sure enough, my days of even considering vanity are long gone . . . I'm grateful I felt good about myself at 40, it still holds a very fond memory, as it fades further into history.

As I watched this video, I realized we spend so much of our lives focused on what we consider to be our bad features. We are so focused on what we think isn't right, and I'm thinking that may just be downright offensive to our Creator. Our heavenly Father gave us the unique appearance we have and without being vain we can appreciate that. Regardless of physical attributes be they exquisite or "flawed" in our own view, I do know His presence in our life brings out the beauty He created in each of us.


I invite you to watch this illuminating 3 minutes.
An Artist's Take

Just Right . . .

As the wind mill circled lazily overhead, in the intermittent morning breeze, I embraced the beauty of a spring Sabbath morning. I was enjoying the goats, the chickens, and just the ease of the morning. On Shabbat, everything is minimal. I just make sure everyone has water, open a few doors and talk to YHWH and all the critters as I go. A fun little thought came to me as I approached the chicken house. As everything was just going so smoothly, and was "just right," I felt myself smile as I remembered the story of Goldi-locks. Now, here I am "Silver-locks" and I'm not trying out other's breakfasts, other's chairs, or other's beds. My very own stuff is "just right!" My very own life is a good place to be. I am under the covering of YHWH and in HIS plan.

Is my life perfect? Of course not, I'm in it! I can honestly say, however; there is not one material thing I lack. Oh, I'd like to have some things different, like people I love to be happy, and more people to love our Creator, and more people to know the truth of Scripture, and I'd like to share what I have with a lot of people I don't think I've even met yet! There are things I've envisioned that I'd like to see come to fruition very soon, but those are not things in my control. Meanwhile, I'm truly content.

As I continued to walk around the place this morning and enjoy the warmth and beauty of the day, I just really couldn't contain my feelings of gratitude. I'm a long way from where I used to be and for that I'm so grateful. I thought again of Goldi-locks and compared it to days gone by. I remember so many situations in which it was too "something" and not just right and how I continued to search, thinking I would find it. I kept looking and although I wasn't expecting to just step into everything "just right," I sure thought I could make things just right, from the outside. I'm sure many people can relate. Just a little more income, just a little more decorating, just a little more this, a little more that and then . . . it will be "just right." But it never was. I was simply wrong, over and over and over again. Try as I might, I could not find or make everything to be "just right."

In life, "just right" has to come from within and from above, and just "right will" never be enjoyed or achieved while focused on pleasing malcontents. Think of the bears in the story of Goldi-locks. she messed up everything they had. She used it just long enough to decide it didn't suit her, and if she did like it she just inveded it!

I spent the morning just truly realizing how very content I am in the purpose and plan YHWH has ordained for my life. It's a strange thought to consider how long our "free will" keeps us from His perfect will and how quickly life falls into place when we choose to use our "free will" to seek His perfect will . . . He is so good! He is so patient and merciful. He certainly didn't owe this to me.

I also realized this morning, as current events raise to a level of chaos never before seen, we don't know what will happen. I know, we aren't promised tomorrow, but my thought was more along the lines of what if there are several years that just aren't as easy or enjoyable as these have been? It gave me a new perspective of the minor annoyances in life right now. Considering the wonderful gift of this opportunity I've been given, and I don't know what tomorrow holds, I choose to use my "free will" to appreciate what I have and to be content. I choose to use my "free will" to not focus on the things that are just "too this or that." When life is ordained of YHWH, nothing is too hard, and in Y'hshuwah there is no shifting sand or sinking mire. I am very grateful to my G-d and to His Son, for a life that is more than "just right."

Why Not Get all Levitical?

Through the years I've heard many times, folks making reference to G-d's Word holding women as "second class citizens." One man I used to discuss Scripture with, actually used the term "collateral" to describe a woman's place in the ancient society of Israel. Well, I'm not sure our modern English gives anything in Scripture the true translated value it holds, but for lack of better ones, I'm going to use these terms in this article.

First let's address the term "second class citizen." Dowries were common, jewelry for her and gifts for her family, or long term servitude for her hand in marriage. Sounds like women held a pretty high value in society, as opposed to our society now with equal rights . . . What can a woman expect with equal "first class" treatment? From what I hear, she can pay for her own drinks and dinner before the debate begins about the expected rendezvous. You may think I'm only talking about the "world," but pre-marital, extra-marital, and non-marital relations abound in the church and synagogue, as well. For those who know me, I'm not saying a license from the state constitutes marriage, but couples enter into physical relationships without commitment and/or blessing every day. As for being provided for, seriously? Very few women have the option to stay home with the children and know her future is secure. I know of many couples in which the woman is expected to work outside of the home, or opt out of marriage so she can remain dependent upon the state. Obviously in reading Proverbs 31, the women of Scriptural times were not sitting around having pedicures and eating bon-bons, but their future as "collateral" for a respectable man was pretty secure.

We could all take note of the way men treat their valued possessions, be that a vehicle, tools, a gun or coin collection, something he considers of value. I stated years ago, if a man treated me as well as he treated his most valuable possession, I certainly wouldn't mind being marital collateral. So far, that hasn't worked out so well. When I did have the opportunity to be a valued possession, I didn't yet know this valuable information.

When I read the distance men traveled and the arrangments that were made to obtain a good wife for a man, these women of Bible days do not sound to be "second class citizens" at all. Women were valued. A good wife was considered a great gift and blessing from G-d. They received material possessions, and their father obtained something of monetary value or labor, but more importantly, these women received a "covering." As I've read the Torah portion this week, I was reminded of the special privilege granted women.

Can you imagine the difference in our society if men and kids missed mom for a week every month, instead of tiptoeing around her for "that time of the month?" How would it change a household or even our society if the female in their life were to be missed for a week instead of hearing the screech of PMS? A week of trying to match socks and living off of mac&cheese and peanut butter would give men a different perspective for the rest of the month, I'm sure. Rather than ask their wife what she did all day, they'd know. Now as for women needing a new perspective . . . we do. The only people we'd see for a week would be sharing the same attitude we had. That would be illuminating, I'm sure. Many would realize how much they do miss their family and appreciate what a good man they have to take care of the children for a week every month and continue to go to work and do the best they can to hold the housework together. "Getting all Levitical" would really give renewed meaning to the concept of "long term commitment." I think both genders would gain a new appreciation for their spouse and the kids would learn that each gender is not in competition for control, but created differently. Marriage and child raising would once again become a lifetime commitment.

As a woman, I just can't help but imagine a real Levitical outlook. In the event of household questions, and a messenger was sent outside the camp to make inquiry as to how to sort the laundry or where the unopened jelly was kept, they couldn't stay. A week off every month, where you get to go be by yourself and nobody can touch your stuff! How is that "against women?" Sounds awesome to me.

I'm thinking "Getting all Levitical" sounds first class to me!