Mr. B doesn't like to talk to me. Oh, he'll tell me old stories, like when he was growing up, and all about "the can plant" and a few Snorkel memories, but that's all! We don't discuss and sadly we don't share happy memories. The good times I have, don't involve him, per his choice and there's no indication he's enjoyed himself since the turn of this century. I'll be honest here, I spent some time blaming him, and probably even more time doubting that I'd heard G-d at all regarding this marriage, but then it dawned on me. Every moment that I spend thinking about the last 13 years . . . sigh; and every complaint I state about the last 13, and every doubt I ponder, is time I can't get back.
I can't change what happened 13 years ago, but I can sure stop dwelling on the doubt and the disappointment. So many promises were broken and so many statements made that there simply is no desire to reconcile our situation or relationship, but we can choose to not invest time poorly. I can't make someone love me or share my joy in Adonai, but no one can take my joy. I can choose, however; to lose my joy . . . or not. At the end of the day, week, month, or year, all I can do is determine if I did what I should have done, regardless of what was returned. Truth be told, I really like the space this relationship affords me. As I've shut up and stopped trying to analyze it, I've discovered I'm actually not interested in changing the way things are between us. This is as close to having my cake and eating it too, as anyone could have!
The only power over choice I have is power over the choices I make. Choice is a sore spot for me because before I married Mr. B, he was talking about making a decision of some kind, and I piped up encouragingly and proclaimed, "I'm all about choice!" In the last few days I have come to realize, even though there are some serious no-choices in my life, I can still choose what I think about and where I invest my energy. So many wonderful opportunities await, if we don't choose to spend our energy unwisely. Interestingly, as I was writing this another situation arose that has brought the same insight.
I'm suddenly and sadly aware that my attempt to obey the fifth commandment has extracted much unproductive energy. Some things simply will not change and of course the past cannot be undone or redone. I'm getting a lot of practice now at making sure what bounces through my head doesn't come flying out my mouth. I already have to repent for the thoughts I entertain, I don't want to have to repent for words that should remain unspoken!
It really is simple when I break it down incrementally. The energy spent to engage in an unproductive conversation is spent, never to be regained. Unproductive conversations usually have one of two outcomes. Thoughts that are unsaid can mulled over, and replayed, which is more wasted energy ruminating; or something regrettable is said, and that is sin. Not only wasted energy on a dead-end conversation, but sin, which is never energy well spent. Then add the time it takes to seek forgiveness of Abba and the additional energy it takes to apologize to the person.
I am still all about choice and I am choosing to spend less energy on things that are counterproductive and that usually involves words, but then Scripture already says that . . . repeatedly. None of us chose our parents and whether we are married or single, in good relationships or bad, we can choose how we react and how we spend our energy.
In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips
is wise. a Proverb of Holy Scripture
Showing posts with label choice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label choice. Show all posts
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Sunday, December 7, 2014
More Reality
I had to take a break from Loosed Woman for a bit. Reality was beginning to stack up to a looming height, but then I heard, "Come to the Rock that is higher . . ." From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2 which was then confirmed by Psalm 27:5 For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion: in the secret of His tabernacle shall He hide me; He shall set me up upon a rock.
The truth of my past is painful. I became a teen aged mother in the mid seventies. Abortion was an option I did not choose. Sadly, I didn't realize giving birth is not the same thing as "choosing life." I love my kids, I love my grandkids, but in my ignorance, I didn't raise them in the admonition of YHWH. I came to the Truth and entered a covenant walk with our Creator just a few weeks before my youngest turned 18. My time of being under conviction before surrendering to Abba, truly rocked my household, and I can't change that fact. I was a young mother and my only goal was to not raise my kids the way I'd been raised. That's not a goal, that's just a different wrong direction.
To aim to "not" do something is not aiming. That doesn't work in anything in life. Imagine taking a trip and the only plan is "not north." There is no map, no destination, just "not north." I guess a few folks may enjoy the scenery and even delight in the destination, but that would be purely happenstance, or . . . mercy. Imagine any other project from hunting to cooking, with the designated outcome aimed at what you don't want. In retrospect, it's so easy to see now.
I listen to one daughter who is proud and accomplished, whom I adopted after her formative years, which appears to have definitely been to her advantage. I heard from my birth daughter, who makes it a point to remind me just how much she disregards anything I hold important. How sad, that she's nearly 40 and still aiming for "not her mother's values." Thankfully, by that age, I had True direction, Abba's direction. Following Messiah is the only solution away from each generation attempting to "not do what the last one did."
I can't help but wonder sometimes just how far away Hagar and Ishmael went, and if Abraham was able to enjoy any of his grandchildren by Ishmael. I still remember the day I heard, "Ishmael," in regard to my own particular situation. The promise of Abraham is so exciting and we all embrace that with our own perspective . . . but we don't really consider the cost of his obedience to receive that promise. Faith means one steps out on the Word of YHWH without seeing the results. Faith involves action. Abba had been so patient and merciful with me, and yet there came a day, I had to let go.
As I read the number of heart wrenching letters, posts, and comments from parents who are given "pat answers" and told to pray, my heart just breaks. When we pray "Thy will be done," sometimes we have to accept that everything we hold dear is not His will for our lives. Even though we are told to pray without ceasing, sometimes, we are told it's time to pray for something else. I had a Bible, I was talked out of the truth as a teen by religious leaders. I'm not blaming them, I'm just stating the facts. I've heard two very stern words recently regarding some of my relationships in the natural. These words have been confirmed. When I think of Messiah in the Garden of Gethsemane as he prayed, "if it be possible, let this cup pass . . ." but it wasn't possible.
Our Heavenly Father gave what was most precious to Him to have a relationship with us, and some of us will be called to do the same.
The truth of my past is painful. I became a teen aged mother in the mid seventies. Abortion was an option I did not choose. Sadly, I didn't realize giving birth is not the same thing as "choosing life." I love my kids, I love my grandkids, but in my ignorance, I didn't raise them in the admonition of YHWH. I came to the Truth and entered a covenant walk with our Creator just a few weeks before my youngest turned 18. My time of being under conviction before surrendering to Abba, truly rocked my household, and I can't change that fact. I was a young mother and my only goal was to not raise my kids the way I'd been raised. That's not a goal, that's just a different wrong direction.
To aim to "not" do something is not aiming. That doesn't work in anything in life. Imagine taking a trip and the only plan is "not north." There is no map, no destination, just "not north." I guess a few folks may enjoy the scenery and even delight in the destination, but that would be purely happenstance, or . . . mercy. Imagine any other project from hunting to cooking, with the designated outcome aimed at what you don't want. In retrospect, it's so easy to see now.
I listen to one daughter who is proud and accomplished, whom I adopted after her formative years, which appears to have definitely been to her advantage. I heard from my birth daughter, who makes it a point to remind me just how much she disregards anything I hold important. How sad, that she's nearly 40 and still aiming for "not her mother's values." Thankfully, by that age, I had True direction, Abba's direction. Following Messiah is the only solution away from each generation attempting to "not do what the last one did."
I can't help but wonder sometimes just how far away Hagar and Ishmael went, and if Abraham was able to enjoy any of his grandchildren by Ishmael. I still remember the day I heard, "Ishmael," in regard to my own particular situation. The promise of Abraham is so exciting and we all embrace that with our own perspective . . . but we don't really consider the cost of his obedience to receive that promise. Faith means one steps out on the Word of YHWH without seeing the results. Faith involves action. Abba had been so patient and merciful with me, and yet there came a day, I had to let go.
As I read the number of heart wrenching letters, posts, and comments from parents who are given "pat answers" and told to pray, my heart just breaks. When we pray "Thy will be done," sometimes we have to accept that everything we hold dear is not His will for our lives. Even though we are told to pray without ceasing, sometimes, we are told it's time to pray for something else. I had a Bible, I was talked out of the truth as a teen by religious leaders. I'm not blaming them, I'm just stating the facts. I've heard two very stern words recently regarding some of my relationships in the natural. These words have been confirmed. When I think of Messiah in the Garden of Gethsemane as he prayed, "if it be possible, let this cup pass . . ." but it wasn't possible.
Our Heavenly Father gave what was most precious to Him to have a relationship with us, and some of us will be called to do the same.
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