Awakened to Shalom and Joy Overflowing

The other night I woke up as usual for my mid-night time of prayer.  The stillness for that special time of prayer is so precious.  Abba's voice is so sweet.  Often, He does more of the talking than I do.  Of course, the adherents of psychology would say I'm crazy, but that's okay.  Our Heavenly Father was speaking to His people long before Freud and Jung were born, and long before James Dobson brought us "Christian Psychology."  That particular term seems to be an oxymoron.   I usually go back to sleep after our mid-night time of communion, and Thursday morning I awoke to shalom and joy that truly did pass all understanding.

Morning chores were such a delight!  My Buddy Buck has taken a turn for the ornery, so I had planned to move him to the "naughty pen."  Even being ornery with the herd, he heard me call him and came right to me. Although he's being good to me, he still had to be separated from the girls.  His accommodations, to which I referred as the naughty pen, has all the amenities of the pasture with the exception of female company.  Everything that morning just went to smoothly.

As I went through my chore pattern which could be described almost as ritualistic, so I don't omit or overlook anything, a thought came to mind.  This homesteading project has not gone at all as I first thought it would nearly ten years ago.  Through those times of things turning out differently, I often k'vetched [complained.]  Yet, the reality is, it's turned out so much better than I imagined when I stepped into this plan!  I've been forgiven for complaining, but the reality is, complaining requires forgiveness, and . . . repentance!   The fact of forgiveness just washed over the joyful shalom I was already enjoying.  Our Heavenly Father is awesome.  Y'hshuwah Messiah truly is King of kings and Lord of lords.  There is none on all the earth that compares to Him.

My life isn't perfect, but oh my!  Since I've been following Messiah, my worst days now are better than my best days used to be.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love YHWH, to them who are the called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

Dying to Self is Not Like a Diet

I have realized yet another oddity about myself!  Oy vey!  Now I realize, when I think I've died to self, I need to realize, I'm a big girl!  I'm beginning to wonder if my full figuredness doesn't correlate with being full of self . . .

I wrote an article in "Religiously Incorrect" and when I did that, I realized, last year, and the year before that, and several years before that I'd died to self . . . only to discover there's more of ME than I realized!  Apparently YHWH sees me as big as I see myself in the mirror.  There's a lot to my "self" so there's a ton of dying that needs to happen!  What is wonderful, though; as the dying occurs, so far there has been no significant resurrection power directed toward these areas of self!  HalleluYah!

I certainly don't want to have to keep dying over and over again.  Even in the discovery of my areas of self, I do want to keep moving forward in victory!  I do not want to keep "going 'round" the same mountain.  Thankfully, the flesh and the enemy do not have resurrection power!  I'm thankful we are given this life on earth to "be ready" for eternal life.  Dying to self is not like going on a diet to lose 20 pounds.  Dying to self appears to be a "process" that continues through the days of our life.  In my recent desire to "show my hind-end" I came to realize, I'd truly rather bring glory and honor to my Heavenly Father and follow Messiah . . .  That could be why we as a society, recognize the death process as a process . . .

Dying to self is quite a process, and there is not spiritual hospice.  There are times it's quite painful, yet once it happens in a particular area I feel so light and good.  I still remember a couple of years ago knowing what flesh remained was in the way of my walk and of the ministry to which I'm called.  I want to be completely free of flesh and  . . . fleshly desires.  It seems the more I die to self, the fewer regrets I experience and the less baggage I have.  I know I'm not there yet, but this big girl is feeling lighter every day!

A Difficult Time of Year

This time of year seems to be difficult for so many.  For some, the difficulty is in dealing with family after walking away from the traditions of this season.  For others, it's the stress of participating in the traditions of this season.  For many, it's the finances of life in general, and the fact this season, traditions or no, just seems to cost more in general expenses, like heating.  For a growing number of us, this time of year seems exhausting.  Darkness descends in what seems like the middle of the afternoon, which makes the day short and the bed inviting.

In my own personal situation, I have a touch of most of those variables listed above.  I don't participate in Christmas or the commercial side of Hanukkah, so I'm not terribly popular with family, this time of year.  Come to think of it, I'm not terribly popular with family, any time of year . . . yet I digress.  Chores are a bit less enjoyable this time of year because of cold and ice.  The critters are just not as sociable, as cold is not their favorite, either.  My home is all electric and even with a fireplace and some off grid power, it seems the furnace or heat pump do have a negative impact on the light bill.  I can't imagine what my bill would be, if I were going behind a couple of kids turning off lights and closing doors.  With all this extra early darkness, I have discovered my futon is so much more comfortable, than it seems in the summer.

I'm not a bit depressed, so I don't think I have SAD, but I do realize this time of year takes a great toll on a number of people, and that makes me sad.  So many go into debt for things that will be broken or tossed before the credit card is even paid off.  Sadly, as our economy has continued to destabilize, many more families are struggling just to survive.  While we are being told the economy is recovering, it's easy to see grocery store prices are continuing to rise.  I found myself in a bit of a personal struggle that I have finally resolved, for now . . . I think.

I don't want to contribute to Christmas baskets or gifts, but I do want to help.  By the grace of G-d, I've now been able to clearly see, January is a much more difficult month for many people than December is.  There are a number of charities that are in full swing this month, but next month, when the tinsel has tarnished and the snow has settled, many folks will still be struggling.  For those of us who do not celebrate the December 25th tradition, I have a great idea!  For the past couple of years, I've tried to get the jump on donations to avoid the Thanksgiving/Christmas push, by making food and soap donations about the time school starts and taking coats and sweaters for donation in October.  I've since realized another option and opportunity.  We can offer assistance in January!  The grocery store will still have it's "food pantry" basket by the door.  Winter coats will still be needed.  As a matter of fact, in my neck o' the woods, a winter coat really isn't needed until January.  My heating bill is always worse in January and February, than it is in December; so there are ways to help without participating in the traditional seasonal charities.

It's taken a few weeks to come to this praise report, but I have come to truly appreciate the early nightfall through this difficult time of year.  Regardless of the season, I'm good for about 4 hours after dark.  In the summer, that's midnight or after, but right now, it's about 9 pm.  Now that I'm ready for bed by 9pm, I have a great new prayer schedule.  Since the daylight saving time shock last month, most nights I'm sound asleep before 10, but wide awake again around 2am.  I have been having the best time of prayer through the early morning hours, then doze back off after five.  It's still dark, so I enjoy another couple of hours of sleep, before the rooster begins crowing.  This split shift prayer schedule has become such a blessing!

Many are facing difficult times right now.  Prayer is certainly one thing I can do.  Through that time of prayer, however; I have the blessed privilege of hearing what else I can do.

More Reality

I had to take a break from Loosed Woman for a bit.  Reality was beginning to stack up to a looming height, but then I heard, "Come to the Rock that is higher . . ."   From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2   which was then confirmed by Psalm 27:5  For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion: in the secret of His tabernacle shall He hide me; He shall set me up upon a rock.

The truth of my past is painful.  I became a teen aged mother in the mid seventies.  Abortion was an option I did not choose.  Sadly, I didn't realize giving birth is not the same thing as "choosing life."  I love my kids, I love my grandkids, but in my ignorance, I didn't raise them in the admonition of YHWH.  I came to the Truth and entered a covenant walk with our Creator just a few weeks before my youngest turned 18.  My time of being under conviction before surrendering to Abba, truly rocked my household, and I can't change that fact.  I was a young mother and my only goal was to not raise my kids the way I'd been raised.  That's not a goal, that's just a different wrong direction.

To aim to "not" do something is not aiming.  That doesn't work in anything in life.  Imagine taking a trip and the only plan is "not north."  There is no map, no destination, just "not north."  I guess a few folks may enjoy the scenery and even delight in the destination, but that would be purely happenstance, or . . . mercy.  Imagine any other project from hunting to cooking, with the designated outcome aimed at what you don't want.  In retrospect, it's so easy to see now.

I listen to one daughter who is proud and accomplished, whom I adopted after her formative years, which appears to have definitely been to her advantage.  I heard from my birth daughter, who makes it a point to remind me just how much she disregards anything I hold important.  How sad, that she's nearly 40 and still aiming for "not her mother's values."  Thankfully, by that age, I had True direction, Abba's direction.  Following Messiah is the only solution away from each generation attempting to "not do what the last one did."

I can't help but wonder sometimes just how far away Hagar and Ishmael went, and if Abraham was able to enjoy any of his grandchildren by Ishmael.  I still remember the day I heard, "Ishmael," in regard to my own particular situation.  The promise of Abraham is so exciting and we all embrace that with our own perspective . . . but we don't really consider the cost of his obedience to receive that promise.  Faith means one steps out on the Word of YHWH without seeing the results.  Faith involves action.  Abba had been so patient and merciful with me, and yet there came a day, I had to let go.

As I read the number of heart wrenching letters, posts, and comments from parents who are given "pat answers" and told to pray, my heart just breaks.  When we pray "Thy will be done," sometimes we have to accept that everything we hold dear is not His will for our lives.  Even though we are told to pray without ceasing, sometimes, we are told it's time to pray for something else.  I had a Bible, I was talked out of the truth as a teen by religious leaders.  I'm not blaming them, I'm just stating the facts.  I've heard two very stern words recently regarding some of my relationships in the natural.  These words have been confirmed.  When I think of Messiah in the Garden of Gethsemane as he prayed, "if it be possible, let this cup pass . . ." but it wasn't possible.

Our Heavenly Father gave what was most precious to Him to have a relationship with us, and some of us will be called to do the same.

Knowing Our Type

We hear all the time about the differences between the sexes, and there are many.  Our Creator made men and women to be different; and even within the two sexes, we are hardly all the same.  Our differences and uniquenesses should be appreciated as a reflection of just how creative our Heavenly Father truly is.  In all these differences, however; there are some very basic similarities.  Like women, men come in all shapes, sizes, and shades.  Also like women, they are so much more than their superficial appearance.  I don't hand out much relationship advice, because I don't have much success in that area of my life, which has led me to a unique circle of influence and opportunity.   I'd like to share a few thoughts in regard to potential relationship success, as well as the reality of why many relationships fail.

People tend to be older now when they marry, and many are already living together, have been in an intimate relationship prior to marriage, or divorced and remarrying.  It seems the divorce rate has dropped, while statistics indicate fewer folks are getting married.  I've made no bones about the fact, my marital and divorce record changes the statistics in any given gathering.   I'm not proud of that fact, but it is a fact.  That's why I've elected to share a few things I wish I'd known before.


First and foremost, people are not necessarily being dishonest when the dating begins.  Some may be, but for the most part a new relationship is exciting and the interest level is simply high.  New couples want to spend time together and want to get to know each other, but once the "getting to know each other" becomes sharing plans and making plans, a comfortable confidence replaces the curiosity and chemistry.  I wish I'd known that years ago.  I'm not a person who desires a great deal of attention and quality time.  I truly think I was afraid that some men would continue to be as attentive as they were dating, if we married.  I definitely appreciate a man who is busy and doesn't need my attention constantly, or insists upon showering me with attention.  I prefer men who maintain their already established priorities, while also including me.  

I fell between the emotional cracks of what I needed.  In my desire to share a busy life with another person who also valued their time alone to accomplish goals, I ended up in more than one marriage with a man who was just looking for a responsible partner that would afford him the right to be absent.  I didn't realize until very recently, that I had really never entered a marriage covenant expecting to build a life together.  I've always, always married men who were sure the right woman, me; would make a wonderful marriage.  Half of a couple cannot make that happen.

I've been asked more than a few times recently about my situation and lack of interaction with a spouse.  This may sound a bit strange, but I don't feel that I'm missing out on anything.  I would like to have a spouse who shared my spiritual beliefs, but without that, the rest doesn't really make much difference.  At first, I thought I needed to do things differently, but the reality is Abba knew exactly what I needed and precisely what I didn't need.  I'm not a person given to a great deal of quality time or intimacy.  I don't enjoy television or movies.  To be perfectly honest, when I find myself in a situation of "making time" with someone, I'm usually thinking about other things.  That's who I am.  If I were with a man who needed a lot of interactive time, I'd be letting him down.  It might even seem like rejection to him.  Shared spiritual interests, now, that's quality time, and in that many topics and interests maintain my undivided attention!

It is my firm belief that we have to know our level of attention required, and the amount of "alone time" we need.  Some people do need a great deal of interactive quality time, others not so much.  Some people are quite content in their hobbies, while others prefer to be spectators in their choice of entertainment.  With life now, so instant, there just isn't the building time there used to be in relationships.  We don't marry young and grow together, and most of us aren't struggling to eek out an existence.  Many young couples remain dependent upon parents after they start "housekeeping" or borrow their way into "being established."  Our society simply has a great deal of free time figured in to everyone's schedule.  What someone does with their "free time" or down time, tends to be the make or break definition of a relationship.

We all need our sleep, and for those of us who are attempting to walk as Messiah walked, there is a day of rest, as well.  If the day of rest and Feast days are shared, the rest of the schedule will undoubtedly be easier.  In many homes, both spouses work.  Usually, one knows before marrying the career of the other person and how satisfied they are in their own job.  Money management is an important issue in marriage as well.  Regardless of chemistry, a spendthrift and a penny pincher will not usually make a very happy couple.  Even if opposites attract, they do not always work well together.

Although I don't consider this to be relationship advice, please, before making a relationship commitment, know who your were Created to be.  If you like a lot of interactive quality time, don't marry a workaholic.  If you prefer frugal simplicity, watch how the other person handles their money.  Most importantly, if you want to spend your life with your soulmate, make sure the two of you are on the "same page" Scripturally.   In our society, it's easy for everyone to know and use the same words, but not everyone is walking their talk.  Be sure you know what is important in your own life before making a covenant commitment.

Q & A

As a princess, I want to conduct myself in a manner befitting my royal status.  I do not want my behavior or words to bring shame upon my Beloved or my Abba.  As the headlines and news feeds are filled with the suggestive subjects and the agenda of perversion, the openness of sexual discussion abounds.  I'm old enough to remember a time when much of what is now general conversation was only mentioned in hushed whispers with few details, and never in mixed company.  I am not backward per se when it comes to sexual discussion, but I do not appreciate coarseness.  I prefer to keep the subject of sexual matters to straight forward fact and function.  

On the other hand, I've never been terribly comfortable in discussing my own feelings on an emotional level when it comes to intimacy.  I find the topic of intimacy to be much more personal than sex.  With same sex marriage in the headlines, and the concept of being transgendered, introduced to elementary aged school children, obviously the subject of sex has gone far beyond fact and function.  Suddenly it seems as if there are no facts, just perverse imaginings that seem to have no end.  There are facts, though!  There are spiritual, emotional, and physical facts that simply cannot be ignored.

I've spent several years in a very non-intimate marriage, on every level . . . That's the old fashioned way of saying we are not soulmates, we don't share interests, we don't talk if we don't have to, and we do not "sleep together."  "Not soulmates," means we do not pray or share religious beliefs and "do not sleep together" is the old fashioned reference to celibacy in a relationship, and in my case, separate bedrooms.  Recently, in a conversation I was asked how I could be so content sharing nothing with my husband.  As I thought about that, I realized I would have to give up being the person Abba has created and called me to be, to be desired by him . . . I've seen the women this man finds attractive, and heard the words that reflect their character.

This thought made me wonder how many other people think they have to embrace something or accept the invasive opinions or belittlement by others to be accepted or wanted.  In all this talk of freedom and individuality, there are many, many expectations of conformity and compliance.  I can honestly say, without any doubt, the fact that I have an intimacy issue or lack does not make me look for another type of relationship.  It simply causes me to give pause and assess my priorities.  A relationship should enhance a person's life and bring out  the best in both, not cause one to give up their identity, dignity, integrity, and priorities to be accepted.  That is not love.

When it's all said and done, giving up one's birth right and identity to be accepted, will prove to have dismal results and returns.  We are not gender assigned at birth.  We are created in the womb with a purpose and a plan, and some of us may not have physical intimacy or desires as has been promoted by society or even religion.  That is no reason to embrace the perversion that is being promoted, or to silence those who live by Scriptural values.  Bakers and photographers have already been targeted by the agenda for their values, and now it's moved on to more reality tv.

Last year Phil Roberson was targeted for his comments, and this year apparently the Duggar's are in the sites of the LGBT agenda.  Although I am not a proponent of the full quiver concept or conception, as the case may be, I do defend the Duggar's rights to say what they choose and live according to their beliefs.  In all honesty, I don't qualify for the one man and one woman for life "marriage photo" on their page, but that doesn't mean they don't have the right to have their page.  Many of us are different from what is considered mainstream, but changing mainstream is not the answer.  For all those who question their identity, discovering G-d's Truth is the only answer.

Divine Intervention

As most of you know, I don't leave the place often, but when I do I have a list in hand!  This past Wednesday was business day in town.  Preferably, town day goes as planned, which is as quickly and efficiently as possible.  Mr. B was acting strangely that day, so I really wasn't looking forward to being trapped in the buggy with him for several hours.  I even gave consideration to "setting the tone," but Abba let me know He would not be pleased with that idea, so I opted for obedience.  In the time getting to town, I really thought about the choice I made.  What good would it have done to let Mr. B know he was being annoying?  When I have told him, in the past, he basically just shrugs his shoulders or tells me how it's my fault, which totally annoys me, further.  Why open the door for that?

So, the trip to town was efficient, and much was accomplished in less time than I thought it would take!  HalleluYah!  In traveling through town, making nine stops, there was only one close call in traffic, which is a good driving day for Mr. B.  There were three stops left to make and it wasn't really all that late.  Nine stops sounds like a lot, but in reality it's just a few minutes in several places, as I make business calls as well as take care of personal matters in the same trip.  It actually looked like we'd make it home before chore time was looming!  With earlier dark hours and colder temps, I don't like to push the envelope when it comes to evening chore time.  Perhaps if I didn't pack so many stops into a trip to town, they wouldn't be so dreaded, but then they'd have to be more frequent, so this present plan works pretty well.  This trip to town had more stops than usual.

As the afternoon was unfolding, the day seemed to be quite efficient, as I stopped at the Green Dollar Tree.  I don't really know the name of the store, but everything's a dollar.  As I got to the front of the store to  checkout, a woman was standing there with a basket.  I asked her if she was in line and she said, "No, I lost my keys."  Another woman was with her, and I of course jumped in with all the usual questions.  Have you retraced your steps?  Did you leave them in the car?  Yada . . . yada.  She was sure of all the places her keys could not be.  I prayed and went ahead and checked out.  I really wanted Abba to show me where her keys were.  She assured me that she'd already been out to her car and they weren't there, and she was simply going to call her son.  With that, I headed out with my purchases.

While placing the sacks in the buggy, I heard Abba tell me He'd take me to her keys.  I wasn't sure whether I should get in the vehicle or walk back to the store.  Mr. B. started the buggy.  As I got in, I heard "the keys were in her car," so I asked Mr. B if he'd please drive me over by her car.  I was thinking they had probably fallen into the floorboard as she was getting out.  I stepped up to peer in the driver's side window and couldn't really see the entire driver's side floorboard from that vantage point.   I walked around to the passenger window to get a full view of the floorboard on the driver's side.

 To my utter delight, the keys were in the ignition.  Since she'd told me she'd locked her car, I didn't try the door, I went to tell her, her keys were found.  It was then, she looked so surprised and told me she could only lock her car with her key from the outside.  To that I responded, "Answered prayer!"

We all walked out to the parking lot, I opened her door, and she along with the woman who was "helping her" shared a moment of rejoicing in the Father's goodness and giving Him glory.  Even in that extra time, the other two stops were efficient, and there was plenty of time before dark.  There has been a recurring thought since that day.  I can't help but think, if I'd have made the other choice at the beginning of the trip to town in dealing with Mr. B, that I probably wouldn't have heard Abba at all.  

Reality

A thought occurred to me the other day.

Keeping alive the "old arts" of self-sustainability, sewing, knitting, crocheting, and canning are talents I am grateful to have been given, but . . . Here I've been thinking about doing what the older generations did, when a simple reality hit me.  I am now a member of an "older generation!"  That just slipped right up on me.  I remember delighting in being a young mother and young grandma, and young great grandma, but that's still 3 descending generations.  No way around it.  I'm not a young woman keeping the old arts alive, I'm now an older woman, thinking the younger ones need to be learning what I'm doing.

I have to chuckle at my denial.  The reality first hit in 2012.  A long hard year, a couple of serious injuries, and by late August, there was an old woman looking back at me in the mirror.  I've since been somewhat renewed and refreshed, but the reality remains.  After recovering from the spiritual attack that ensued after writing, "Can We All Be Wrong?" and the difficult lesson from Matthew 10; I was then blessed with a great granddaughter.  Although feeling much better about life, the reality remains, young women are simply not great grandmas!

In the past few weeks, I received an email from a gentleman making enquiry of ministry and homesteading.  Phone numbers were exchanged and we had a conversation regarding self-sustainability and living by faith.  In that conversation, he made a comment that he'd expect a much older less attractive person to be doing what I'm doing and included a compliment regarding my social media profile pic.  Before I even considered thanking him for the compliment, I asked him point blank, if he was sure he had contacted the right person.  Life has simply moved past feeling young and pretty.  In moving past that, however; I am blessed to hear comments that folks appreciate my wisdom, knowledge, and compassion.  Thankfully, by the grace of G-d, those traits can actually increase with age and spiritual maturity.  I pray they do.

The icing on the cake happened last night, however; in a conversation with Daddy, inquiring about a place I'd been about 15 years ago.  I remembered two generations working there then.  One was obviously nearing retirement age at that time or even perhaps past, and the daughter appeared to be a late boomer with teen agers if I remember correctly.  As he and I spoke, he said they were still at the same location, but their daughter was now running the place.  I had no idea if that referenced the generation that had gone to school about the time I did, or the next one.  Knowing my kids are 40ish, I thought maybe a granddaughter of the founders might now be at the helm.  I asked if the one whom I'd seen all those years ago that was about my age was now running the business, to which he mentioned her name and said, "I don't think she's as old as you are."

My grey hair and great grandchild certainly date me.  My abilities, interests, and entertainment ignorance also are huge age indicators, but now, my own father has called me old.

Windblown Hair and a Broken Nail

It's been a wild week winding down this year's growing season and getting the last few things in place for winter.  There is timber all over the place beckoning me to cut it up and get it close to the house, but some is cut and just ready to be moved.  The goats are all pretty content and definitely enjoying the winter supply of hay, even though the pasture is still green!  As I prepare for the winter and shemitah, it's dawned on me, Abba seems to have a different image of what it is to be a princess, than our society indicates.

As it turns out, a peculiar princess ends up with some wild hair days and broken nails . . . at least this one does.  This one also had the opportunity to be on the receiving end of some investigative reporting . . . delivered right to the place!  HalleluYah.  That report is covered in People of the Preservation and Updates.  I've realized in this past week, even in so much preparation, just how unprepared I truly am.  I'm still trying, on occasion to be the picture of femininity in our society, or even our Biblical history . . .  Realistically, there are days, I know am a far sight from what I envision to be an Esther and and the Proverbs 31 woman.  Some days, I'm sure I look much more like one of those old k'vetches [complainers] in the wilderness about 35 years after the Exodus.

As I smoothed the jagged edges of broken nails and filed down the last couple of long ones to even them out, I thought to myself how truly blessed I am.  You know, even if I was still in town doing all the "community stuff" I'd still have wild grey hair, my own sense of fashion, and be 56 years old.  I wouldn't be the image of my idea of a princess there, either.  I've since asked Abba to help me always look beyond the physical appearance.  Nobody should be judged so superficially!

As long as I've brushed my hair, who cares if the wind rearranges it?  I don't actually enjoy maintaining fingernails of any length and I never polish, so long ones would be impractical.  I do miss polished toenails though!  I can't have polished toenails and free range chickens.  My sweet little chickens just cannot resist pecking bright colors!  So, all things considered, it's still a small price to pay.  Truth be told, it's rather invigorating to be outdoors with the wind blowing through my long silver locks.  It feels like a freedom, I've never known.  To be able to look out any window and see the beauty of creation is a breathtaking blessing, one for which I give thanks, daily.  I'm grateful to have the health and stamina to do what I do!   To be surrounded by the beauty of our Creator and to be blessed with health to enjoy is it my definition of being a beautiful princess . . . even with windblown hair and few broken nails.

The Puny Princess

I certainly can't complain about my health.  Like most folks in my age range, there are a few things that just don't work like they used to.  Also like many folks, I certainly wish I'd taken better care of myself when I was younger.  If I were a vehicle, I'd say I put on too many miles on rough terrain and now the warranty is up, but thankfully I'm a work of the Creator's hand.  I'm doing a lot more than many and certainly feel better than I deserve to.

My grand uncle used to say he'd rather wear out as rust out . . . which brings me to this week's topic.  I've mentioned before that I have MS and RA.  I don't suffer nearly as bad as many do with these auto-immune diseases, but these afflictions do remind me of their presence, regularly.  This past week, the RA really made itself known, thus the title.  The rheumatoid arthritis knocked me for a bit of a loop.  I still got my pumpkin canned and met my usual responsibilities; well most of them, but I was in pain.  I didn't have as much strength as I'm used to and I found myself struggling with tasks that had never before been an issue.  Now when that happens, the first thought that invades my brain is the idea that it may never get better.  It's always going to be this difficult and painful.  I do my best to cast that thought out, as that is just borrowing trouble.  I'm not a good patient.  I get on my own nerves when I don't feel up to par.

You may disagree with me on this, but I believe most acquired illness has a spiritual root, and emotional factors.  I'm not talking about congenital issues, but acquired issues.  There are just too many examples in Scripture in which Messiah connected wellness and forgiveness; to ignore.  Then there is the fact that in the Hebrew Scriptures, the people were instructed to present their maladies to the High Priest, not to mention James 5:15.   As a natural health practitioner, I always seek our Creator in helping others and I've done some real soul searching regarding my own health.

I fully attribute my MS to internally melting down as a coping mechanism.  It may be something else for others, but that makes total sense in my life and situation.  In handling this disease from that perspective, I've let go of a number of battles that are not mine and although Abba has not chosen to grant me a full healing at this time, I'm very blessed to continue to be quite functional.  My gait is a bit awkward, and I'm a bit of a klutz, but I rarely suffer the fatigue so many experience.   I've dealt with many others who suffer RA and there is nearly always an underlying embrace and rejection issue.  A sort of push/pull situation in their life.  As it turns out, I'm not 'an exception to this theory.

As I've sought to have Abba's love in me, or to love as He loves, the reality has hit that I'm still guarded in a few areas of this endeavor.  He's placed me in the perfect situations to love without necessarily being loved in return, or worse, but I'm not yet fully trusting His protection in those situations.  This emotional push pull reality is more of a spiritual outreach or attempted embrace, then shield, withdraw or recoil.  It's not easy to do what Messiah did and what He taught.  This "loving our enemy" business is painful, especially when we try to protect ourselves.   Hopefully, now that I've actually recognized it, I'll be able to love without fear, and trust Abba for the protection.  This is not a "name it and claim it," "blab it and grab it," "declare and decree" statement, but a simple statement of fact of faith.  RA will not continue to make this princess feel puny!

  

Something Special

The week of Sukkot was wonderful.  The entire seventh month was just so very special.  It always is, but this year seemed especially spiritual and significant.  With all the uncertainty in the world right now, it was very comforting and reassuring to know these Feast Days of YHUH are forever!  There is a time coming in which we'll all be celebrating in the physical presence of Y'hshuah.  There's also a time coming in which we'll all be celebrating on the same days!

At this point in my walk, I observe the concealed moon as the first day of the new month.  I've observed others along the way, but this one seems right to me.  Of course, the others did too, at the time, which is why I'm saying, "at this point."  There have consistently been three days between my celebration of Yom Teruah and those who go by the sighted sliver, with those who maintain the new month at the lunar conjunction, between the two.  This got me thinking about the seventh month and the fact that even though we aren't all on the same date, there are many celebrating and that covers nearly the entire month.

As previously mentioned there were four days in which someone was celebrating Yom Teruah.  That means the last celebration of Yom Teruah was less than a week before the first folks would be observing Yom Kippur.  By the time those four days of observance were accomplished, the very next day would be the first day of Sukkot for those who keep the concealed moon calculations.  Yesterday would have been the final day of Sukkot for the sighted sliver "folk" while it was the 25th day on the calendar I keep.  I'm saying all this for two really great reasons . . . I think.

First, it was so wonderful to speak with others celebrating on a different day and none of us argued our own observation, we simply wished each other Happy Holy Days.   The second observation, I've made this year is just how many days were truly set apart by those seeking to celebrate these appointed times.  There are less than ten days in this entire month that were not set apart by someone!  That doesn't even cover the people who are keeping other calendars and celebrated earlier.

I'm not suggesting that the specific day doesn't matter, but rather we all truly are trying to please Abba and not be divisive!  It seems the desire for holiness is superseding the need to be right and that is something special!

 

Feeling Free

It seems the time before the High Holy Days and the external circumstances around them, become even more stressful as the end of days unfold.  These past few weeks, I've apparently disappointed a few folk, and they've been quite verbal in their expression.  My main concern, of course, is whether or not I've disappointed my Heavenly Father or our precious Messiah.  As it turns out, this year, much of the verbalized disappointment is nothing more than false accusations.  I'm not claiming perfection, here, but simply acknowledging the fact some folks are just disappointed in their own expectations and believe it is their right to vent.  That's not my business.  I'm finding the need to seek Abba in some other areas of my life that I feel need improvement or change.  The opinions of others is something I've finally received victory over!  HalleluYah!

Nearly three years ago, Abba told me to enlarge the tent.  Things seemed to finally be going fairly well with the family, but as we all know appearances can be deceiving.  The expansion plan was under way in no time, and I really hoped I knew who would be needing the space.  Within two months of the project, with one room completed and the other nearing completion, the worst revelation imaginable came to me and came clearly.  Although, now in looking back, it could have been worse.  I could have stepped out of Abba's Will, and realized the truth, after the fact!  Thank G-d for the revelation!  In that revelation, I learned I can be cordial, I can be gracious, even helpful, but without compromise.  When the pressure was turned up, I refused to back down.  As it turns out, the truth that was always lying just under the surface, became known and that was that.  No turning back, no looking back, and finally true peace in that fact.  This taught me a great deal about dealing with many less traumatic events and relationships in life.

According to Messiah's parable, there are four kinds of people.  Many Torah based prayer books confirm this.  So, basically we all fit into one of four categories.  What I've learned, however; is not so much to categorize people, but to recognize what people prefer to emit or display and my own reaction to certain instances.  It has greatly reduced the stress, but it hasn't done a lot for my popularity or appearance of normal.

1.  If a person is reaching out in searching for truth, reach back with the reason for the hope that is in me.  These are the people who need encouragement!  Effort expended in other areas can actually rob us of the energy for this precious task.

2.  If a person is venting about someone else, be careful in what is said, as only one side of the story is being told, and there are always two sides to any story, often a third.

3.  If a person appears to be skimming over the issues or making a goal of searching, it's basically superficial so as always, hope for the best but avoid expectations.

4.  If the person is directly accusatory or comes across as a self-proclaimed victim, realize for the time being, they already have the script written . . . there is no need to introduce any different concepts.  I've learned and continue to learn . . . to acknowledge their feelings, without taking part in the acceptance or dispersal of blame.

In dealing with people from those four approaches, I find I'm not so unstable or unsteady.  I can assess the situation and respond according to what is appropriate.  When I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong, but I do not let anyone else put the words in my mouth.  When I apologize and I frequently do, I apologize for what I understand I've done wrong and seek forgiveness of that for which I'm repentant.  It isn't always the same thing as the accusation!  I've come to realize that apologizing for every accusation or feeling like I must always be on egg shells or defensive, is a very dishonest way to live.  Facing the truth and standing on that truth, is really quite freeing.

Not Esther?

What woman doesn't like to feel a little "princessy" once in awhile.  I've never been one to enjoy the thought of just being ornamental, which as it turns out, is good.  Otherwise, life would have been a real let down!  Porcelain doll, I'm not, and kid gloves are not required but once in awhile, I'd still like to be "handled with care."  That is not a loaded statement or one of innuendo, just once in awhile, a little pampering would be nice . . . I think.  Not even pampering, just a comforting touch!  That's it, a comforting touch.  Again, let me reiterate; I miss ((HUGS))!

I've really been searching these past few years about the change I've sensed coming.  I almost wrote soul searching, and for a time, I was quite introspective, but that was years ago.  I've been searching and seeking Abba's answers in some strangely unresolved questions and situations for some time now, and all of the things He's brought to me and said, He'd already shown me, I just wasn't ready to see it.   As it turns out, after praying to "Live the Bible," Abba has shown me passages that were "all mine."  That's not to discount others, but simply passages that leapt off the page to me, for introspection, implementation, or experience.

In all honesty, I've not been the best of servants, but I've been outspoken and obedient to the point of being the target of false accusations and rejection.  I truly do seek Abba that I may handle it graciously, but it hurts.  It not only hurts my "human feelings," it hurts me that Messiah is disrespected and YHWH is discounted, as our society clings to traditions and self-defined images.  When I pour out my tears on my couch as David mentioned in the Psalms, more than once, I've told Y'hshuwah, I need to feel his strong gentle touch.  I need a hug!  I just want to feel his big strong carpenter arms around me, and hear Him say, "Well done, I understand."  It is then that he shows me, he is also hurt.  While I'm sniveling about hurt feelings from some rant; He suffered, bled, and died for me as well as that ranting individual.  He doesn't admonish me, nor condescend, but rather in His gentle, calming outstretched arms, I see the scars.  It certainly puts my "human feelings" in perspective.

So, being "princessy" in the fairy tale sense is not my call, but I do know, it's not the princess part that is errant, but the fairy tale expectation; that is.  Princess is not defined by earthly task or position, but rather simply by being a daughter of the King.  I still remember hearing a sermon based upon Esther 4:14, knowing it was spoken to me, personally.  As I reread Esther yet again, I rediscovered; her position as queen, not princess, was only for a greater work.  She was placed in an unequally yoked position.  Thankfully, my identity in Y'hshuwah has not been kept secret.  I've been able to be open about my beliefs, quite open about my call, and my purpose.

As I look out the window and listen to the sounds of the homestead, I smile.  This task to which I'm called, is the one for which Abba created me and equipped me.  I can't imagine existing in the "kept life" that Esther lived . . . in a harem.  Most of her time as queen was actually spent with tens, perhaps even hundreds of other women.  Oy vey!   How ill suited, I would be for that task.  Some days may become wearisome in the need to be strong and sturdy, but He provides the strength!  This is my place in the Kingdom for such a time as this.

    

My Tiara Slipped

Since relocating, the time before and through the High Holy Days becomes challenging.  I miss my Temple mishpocha.  Challenging to the point I spend significant time seeking as to whether these pre-Holy Day challenges are chastisement or an attack.  Correction just isn't a strong enough word to describe what takes place.  It seems there's always an unexpected "breaking."  Three years ago it was a religious separating; which was a door closing rather hard, but a new one opened.  Two years ago, it was family and my arm, literally; chastisement and deliverance.  Last year it was the realization of broken promises and hurdles toward the Plan, which seemed to be both, chastisement and attack; but nothing happens without Abba's consent.  

This year, it was not as shocking as it has been in the past; but rather; even expected.  As a matter of fact, I've gone back over the last few weeks with Abba, to make sure, since I'm not in shock and did expect it, that I didn't do anything to cause any of the breakdowns that have occurred.  It's simply, sifting for the end of days.  As the end of days continue to unfold, we have to realize, although we are sisters and brothers, we won't all get along in the same communities or camps.

I think I've been labeled and sent to the "legalism," "pretenders," "fallen from grace," and "Sacred Namer" camp.  I can't possibly cover all that ground!  Although I was publicly called out on a few of them, I'm not completely sure about all of them, though; as the proposed labels and publicly proclaimed offences were never brought to me privately, as Scripture instructs. It has seemed a great many are expressing annoyance, and I'm not sure I have covered that much ground, so I'm taking this opportunity as a platform to proclaim the truth I do know.

Since I wasn't there with Moses when the Voice came from the burning bush, I don't debate the pronunciation.  That seems horribly disrespectful.  I'd always thought the precise pronunciation and proper spelling of the English transliteration were the earmarks of the Sacred Namers, but that label may cover more than my understanding of it, I may be wrong.  It seems anyone who offers the fact that Messiah's name is NOT Jesus and the fact that LORD is only a title qualifies for the dubious title of Sacred Namer.  The fact that the King James Version of the Bible actually bears a dedication page to the King of England and King is a title of importance above a Lord should serve as a clear wake-up call, but . . . Then there is also the fact that the letter "J" did not even come into existence until sometime around 1500 AD.

Abba has used these recent breaks to remind me of part of my call, and the precious instruction given to me. In all of these projects, I've been slacking.  It seems when the self-professed preachers and teachers of social media are willing to openly rebuke me or passively cause accusation, I prefer to leave quietly, without great confrontation, so as not to bring dishonor to our Heavenly Father, especially in front of unbelievers.  Being unfriended by the religiously offended, really doesn't bother me.

Abba gave me beautiful feet, brought me to a mountain to proclaim the Good News and part of that good news is the True Name of our Creator and His Son, and the Names are Sacred!  So Sacred, I refuse to argue about the pronunciation or the transliterated spelling; but also so sacred, I refuse to back down and say it doesn't matter!

I'm Still a Woman

There is no identity crisis going on, there have just been some gentle, yet awkward reminders that I am still perceived as the weaker sex, with strengths.  It's been nice, but so foreign.  The wonderful thing about this, is it's not been any flirting or "come ons," or even comments about my appearance, but just casual comments made by men in reference to capability, hard work, and the way I care about people, critters, and business.  Those are my attractive qualities!  It's been nice in the past few weeks to hear that those traits are noticed, by the comments conveyed.  I feel attractive when I am appreciated . . .

The different standard between the sexes is a must, in my book.  That is to say, I appreciate the fact that men and women are indeed different and it's not a competition of rights.  Every once in awhile, I remind myself as I'm coming in from chores, that this is how "real women" are supposed to be.  I'm feminine but not dainty.  I'm not fragile, but Scripture does say I'm the weaker vessel, and it's nice when Abba sends someone along to remind me of that fact.

Through the years, I've jokingly referred to myself as my Daddy's un-son.  When he needed help with a project, I was his apprentice.  He probably really didn't need the help at all, but wanted me to know how to be independent.  I grew up knowing, I wasn't considered to be the feminine beauty my mom or sister were, so I needed to be able to take care of myself.  I am a capable woman.  I never play dumb or coy, and I take note that some men feel threatened by capable women.  I've also noticed, as our society continues to decline that some men are willing to take advantage of a capable woman.

Most of the men I deal with are very respectful, and for the most part, it's business dealings.  The guys at the auction are always respectful, as are the feed store owners, and I love the fact the young men at the market call me ma'am.  As I'm writing this, I hope I convey an appreciation for qualities in others that are quickly being diminished in our society.  When a man opens a door for me, I smile and say thank you.  It feels nice to be reminded that I'm still a lady.  I make eye contact with that gentleman!  I read a meme awhile back which said something to the effect that our society has become so rude that good manners are often mistaken for flirtation.

I'm realistic enough to know the difference between good manners and flirtation!  I appreciate good manners.  I've been missing the days of the difference between men and women.  It's been so nice to have been reminded the differences do still exist; and others appreciate, enjoy, and express that as well.

No Man

The other morning, as I was doing chores, the thought occurred to me that Y'hshuwah is the only man in the world who wants me!  At least, He's the only one who knows me that wants me.  The fact that He chose me, brings a smile to my heart, every time I think of it.  My life is pretty special, but it's not everyone's cup of tea.  I would have loved to share this with an earthly soulmate, but that doesn't appear to be Abba's plan for me.  I still believe there will be a gathering here, but it will be more of a family/team situation . . .



I truly no longer expect some man to love me, see this vision, and embrace the whole package.  I'm no Ruth and I'm not looking for a Boaz.  Truthfully, I was hoping for that at one time; but my priorities have changed, as has my perspective of this ministry to which I'm called.  Although I do not consider myself old, I'm aware of the fact my "beauty" must come from my spirit.  I tend to make self-deprecating jokes about my physical form, but I know I'm special, in an outside of mainstream sort of way.  I'm not one of those proponents of self-love, self-esteem, self . .  self . . . self, but I do appreciate the woman, our Creator has made me to be.

My ex-husband saw some of this in me years ago, but I wasn't yet walking with Messiah.  By the time I surrendered my life to YHWH, it was too late to save the marriage.  I see photos every once in awhile of him with his wife and our grandchildren and I'm glad he's happy.  I'm glad I didn't insist upon legalism.  Sometimes people can be great folk, but just not a great couple, especially when they aren't following Messiah when they get together.  That was the case for us.  We hadn't been divorced very long, when his life became established as it is currently and I heard YHWH's specifics for this ministry.  It was still some time of learning and growing for me before Abba brought me to the place I am now.  I'm still learning . . . it will be a lifetime of learning.  Simplicity still involves a great deal of learning, primarily because I'm relearning what our society abandoned in the name of progress.

Living a life of simplicity is busy, but not stressful.   Working the land is certainly no desk job, yet the accomplishment at the end of each day makes for a good night's sleep.  I don't have trouble falling asleep.  Abba awakens me in the night for sweet communion and prayer.  I snuggle back into my upright futon and sleep until I awake, refreshed.  There's no need for an alarm, as the roosters crow just before dawn.  I love the herd in my care, and the flocks are quite enjoyable.  One of my dogs actually does speak.  I truly love canning and preserving healthy food.  When I read in social media about donuts and baked goods, I'm thankful that is not an area of temptation for me.  Even living on garden produce, raw milk, and free range chicken, I'm far from petite.

Don't even get me started talking about natural health.  Our Creator made so many amazing things for us!  I love being earthy and natural, based upon Biblical truth.  Natural formulas are not mainstream chemistry, but chemistry, none the less.

The absolute best thing about my not so average life, is knowing I am a daughter the King of the universe.  My bridegroom loves me with an everlasting, unfailing love.

YHWH has appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.  Jeremiah 31:3

An Amazing Day

Here on the homestead, it's often forgotten that I am indeed a princess.  When a goat gets ornery, there's no respect displayed for my loyalty.  When a critter thinks I'm running late, you can tell by the sound of their "voice" and I get a little cartoon visual of them looking at their watch and stamping their foot.  Mr. B doesn't even treat me like a woman, much less a princess, so Abba surprised me the other day when I went to town.

The trip to town, last Thursday felt as if a red carpet had been rolled out for my arrival.  My gait has been a bit troublesome as of late, so I took my walking stick with me.  It's been a busy summer and I'm working hard to get the details in place.  I truly believe Abba has other things planned for me, while I'm not gardening, plus I want the place in order, my lamp filled with oil and my wick trimmed . . . by Yom Teruah!

The most amazing things kept happening in town the other day.  It was as if I had a sign of royalty above me.  On my way to the auction, I stopped in town for a few things.  I didn't take my walking stick into the market, because the buggies serve as a great balancing tool.  I decided to take a stroll down the deli aisle since I'd be getting home late from the auction and a gentleman stopped right in the middle of his order and said, "Go ahead and help her, I've got a pretty long list . . ."  I told him that was unnecessary, but he insisted.  So I gave my single item order, and as I picked it up I thanked him for his kindness and we shared a short dialogue as his order continued to be filled.

Again, I left my walking stick in the vehicle, when I purchased dog food in two different places and it was actually carried to my vehicle, both times!  I pulled into the farm store, planning to see when the fish truck was coming, when the guys at the loading dock simply took up chatting while I was in the vehicle.  We discussed weather, a bit of small talk, and when I mentioned why I'd come, one simply said, "sit tight, I'll go see."  Rather than going to the information counter, I got curb service!  All this before I even got to the auction.

I do tend to get special treatment at the auction, usually.  I don't really know why that is, but I'll admit, I like it!  This time they actually presented a check at the time I went to pay . . . I refused the check, but anyway, the auction truly feels like a debutante ball or cotillion in my honor.  I can't explain it further, but I feel it is a gift from Abba every time I attend.  It's such a special time, I am very selective and protective as to when I attend, because I have to work the chores of the homestead around that evening auction.

Imagine my surprise when friends walked in to the auction.  These were not just acquaintances, but genuine friends.  The man who came in search of goat milk for orphaned fawns and the man who invited me to speak to his congregation about using our talents.  What an amazing blessing . . . plus, the auctioneer was keeping a close eye on my bidding.  I was blessed to bring home a couple of young beauties and I truly thought they were yearlings, but I was mistaken . . .

Let me tell you about Abba's gift.  We simply cannot out give Him!  According to Torah, the offspring of a first time mama belongs to YHWH.  Sometimes I give the firstlings to other homesteaders in His Name, and sometimes they are the main entree' for Holy Day Feast or gathering.  So when I bought these two girls, I bought them with the idea that the kids next spring, were not mine.  A wonderfully polite young man loaded them for me, so I didn't get the overall view of them, until I was unloading them.  They are young, but they're two year olds, and it's obvious that they've already kidded.  I had no idea when I purchased them, what a gift Abba had in store for me.



Often I pray to be used as a blessing to others, but this time I was the one being blessed, everywhere, all day long!

No Appearance of Evil

I don't talk much about it, and I don't have any success in this particular life experience, but I do know a thing or two about marriage . . . I have cumulative experience in EPIC FAIL!  Suddenly though, in this past couple of weeks, I've gained a new perspective, and revisited an old one.

Marriage, even a bad one is still a covering.  Years ago, I was so sure the last one was going to be "the one."  Well it is . . . the last one!  Even though Mr. B and I are not one in spirit, there are many benefits this situation affords regarding the service to which I'm called.  Once I realized my old exit route, divorce; was not an option in this case and got over my sniveling and whining, I began to see things differently.  This past couple of weeks, I've gained amazing new insight.  When I listen to other women discuss their lifestyle and marital considerations, I really have it pretty easy.  Mr. B. doesn't want to deal with me most of the time, which means I have a great deal of time that is unencumbered.  As long as I fix meals and keep the laundry clean, I can spend the rest of my time on the work to which I'm called.  It's almost like being single, except, I've finally recognized the marital perks.

In setting up this community, there is nothing hindering any newcomers from coming aboard.  Men, women, singles, couples, there is no appearance of evil, and no reason for misunderstanding.  If I were single, with the way things are in the world today, I wouldn't be able to establish this community.  Certainly no single men could come on board without dowry in hand . . . I don't have that kind of faith, and I don't know any men who do either.   Then there's the whole gay presumption issue now, so the same gendered ministry team would still raise questions.  Single women offering ministry beyond children would not be well received either, and this is quite remote for people to bring their children and drop them off for a Bible lesson . . . so, it's all starting to make more sense.  It would be great if I was already part of a team, but since this is Abba's plan, He already knew and continues to know how it will unfold.  He really doesn't have to keep me clued in.

Being in an undivorced, spiritual nonunion, there aren't the social expectations and awkwardness in the advances of potential suitors . . . yes even at my age.  LOL   The social engagements or family obligations of actually being a couple are frequently avoided.  This is kind of like living in a dorm with no common interests . . . I can't speak for him, but I'm very thankful he wasn't all fired-up mega-mess like so many were back then.  I didn't get dragged through the Word of Faith movement or the Mega-church Motivational stuff.  Even though he really hurt my feelings in the beginning, it was a relief when the truth came out.  At first it seemed rather odd, but it's been this way so long, it actually seems right for the plan.

  This "arrangement" has also served to protect me from folks who are not to be here, that came scoping their opportunity.  There will be no "take over" of this mission.   I'm still believing for a 5 fold ministry to gather and I've got the round table ready.  In looking at marriage in Scripture, many of them were simply arrangements for a bigger purpose . . . This princess is ready to host a gathering.  Singles, couples, it doesn't matter.  The foundation is in place that there will be no appearance of evil, and only expectations of service to Abba.

I Got to Help!

Once in a while being a princess gets even more special, if you can imagine that!  A couple of months ago a friend called and asked me if I had any goat milk.  When it comes to goat milk, my reputation is spanning a fair radius by now.  A gentleman drove over 40 miles for goat's milk for a litter of pups.  My Daddy always brings a cooler to take some home to NE Kansas with him, and now my goat's milk has been taken into Oklahoma for a very special project.

When my friend came to pick up the milk, he shared what had happened.  He said he was brush hoggin' along the road, when a mama deer came out of the edge of the timber.  He said, he could tell by the way she looked back, she had young.  He stopped and shut off the tractor.  Apparently, she was trying to divert and lure something away from her young.  My friend said he just sat silently watching, as she ran and looked back, then darted in front of his stopped tractor and into the road.  Sadly a car came around the corner and the mama deer was killed instantly.  So, my friend fired his tractor back up and went to check to see if his instinct was correct.  It was correct and then some.

There in a little “nest” was snuggled not one, but two brand new fawns.  They were so new, their hooves were still soft.  He called his wife to bring him a box, but wouldn't tell her why until she got there.
He already had the fawns up in the cab of his tractor, but the box made for a cozy afternoon for the three of them . . . 

When I heard how new they were, I suggested he also take some colostrum.  I always try to have colostrum on hand for emergencies and this certainly qualified.  He thanked me and asked if I had a goat I wanted to sell.  I told him no, but I'd be happy to keep him in milk for this project, even loan him one.

He called the Conservation agent for his county to report a couple of baby deer, explaining the circumstances.  He proceeded to tell the agent, he'd called a friend and the deer had received goat colostrum as well as taking to the bottle of goat's milk quite well.  The agent was quick to offer encouragement, saying, "You had to do what you believed G-d wanted you to do.  Take care of them until they are weaned then offer them their freedom.”  The agent then added, “If they were less than two days old, they will probably not leave your goat herd, until the buck “hears the call of the wild.”  The doe will probably just stay with the goats.”  My friend assured the agent the deer were less than 24 hours old when their mama was killed.

I was truly honored when he mentioned he had called a woman, who had just what those babies needed.  I've since gotten to see them.  They are beautiful and just about old enough to be weaned.   How thankful I am that Abba allowed me to play a small part of this “rescue operation.”  

Pet Names

I have a confession to make.  When I was a young princess, I dreamed of a relationship/marriage in which my husband would use names of endearment when speaking to me or about me.  I'm realistic, I wasn't expecting it all the time, but I hoped . . . somebody would call me, "baby."  I'm not speaking of intimate moments, and it didn't have to specifically be "baby," but just spontaneous random expressions of affection.

A friend wrote a blog a couple of weeks ago on the subject of love, that I found very insightful and positive, but it also got me thinking in a negative vein about love or the search and definition I've had.  In my younger years before I began following Messiah, I was very selfish in relationships. I wasn't the materialistic kind of selfish, but emotionally.  I worked, I didn't demand a princess life; far from it actually, but I wanted to be appreciated and shown that appreciation with pet names of endearment, but I never told anyone.  That's not entirely true, as I told a few fellas along the way, who were "just friends" as we discussed our hope in partners, but never considered each other as that potential person.  Yet, with the men who I actually planned a life with, it was never mentioned, and that was selfish.  It was as if I set them up to guess what would make me happy.

All these years and divorces later, it seems evident that I don't seem to be the kind of woman that evokes the thought of a pet name of endearment in the mind of a gentleman.  The few men along the way who did use pet names, were seriously not my type, so . . . that blog got me thinking of my "selfish settling . . ."  Because that's exactly what it was.  Not that a pet name should be the foundation of a strong relationship, but it caused me to look in the mirror and ask an horrible question.  How many people did I hurt and how many lives did I influence negatively by my participation in relationships in which I did not belong?

Not that I'm so important, but some bad timing and wrong relationships have markedly affected the world.  Abraham springs to mind, regularly on that subject.  King David is mentioned as a man after Yah's own heart, but Scripture also gives details that his household, at times, was hell on earth.  I entered into covenant knowing, there would be a void, yet I said nothing.  Who did I think I was?

I was truly hopeful in my last attempt at marriage, as he did speak of spontaneous expressions of affection, but that was apparently just talk.  He had an expression, "attababy" which he used a couple of times referencing me.   Unfortunately that's the term he uses when someone messes up, much in the same way the cafeteria erupted in applause when someone dropped their lunch tray at school . . . So many things I thought I wanted or needed in a relationship, have simply lost their appeal and given way to purpose completely outside of a relationship.  My current circumstances do not afford a reprieve or respite and certainly offers no terms of endearment, but this life is temporal and I have an everlasting promise.  All overcomers have a new name, that our Heavenly Father has chosen.  My Bridegroom has a special name for me!

He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the hidden manna, and will give him a white stone, and in the stone a new name written, which no man knoweth saving he that receiveth it.  a promise in the Revelation  

A Perfect 10

There is a lot in the news regarding health care this week and this edition is following the news, so here we are, even the Peculiar Princess has a perspective to report.

Health care in this country is reportedly the most expensive and least effective of developed industrialized nations.  I've had a number of opportunities to test where I really stand and I can tell you, I prefer to remain standing!  Recovering from falls with broken bones has been the most trying experiences for me.  Broken bones produce instant visceral responses along with immediate failure of use.  The memory of my broken arm twice in 2012 is still quite vivid.  The first time, I was unloading a goat in a crowd of folks and being the grandma, I was making sure all the kids were in a safe place.  The goat saw a slim opportunity to jump.  In all fairness to her, she planned to jump over me, but I'm taller than she figured.  She didn't clear my shoulder, but hit with enough impact to knock me down.  It was just a freak accident.

At the moment I hit the ground, the signs of a break became evident.  First nausea hits like a snap, then even lying flat dizziness ensues, and of course, the injured appendage doesn't function properly, if at all . . .  Then the cold sweat began.  By the time I did gather myself up and got to the gate, I couldn't raise my right arm.  The goat needed to be milked and she was wild.  So, my buddy-in-law held her while I milked one handed.  Then it was time to milk the regular herd.  My grandchildren did that, while I sat and cradled my arm.  My buddy-in-law went in the house and got a bag of frozen peas or corn.  I keep two bags of store bought veggies for such an occasion.  When I put the ice on it, I fell apart.  That's the other thing about a broken bone, once the physical shock wears off, there is the emotional shock.

I didn't need an Xray.  I didn't need to see what G-d can see, the injury was evident and obvious.  My daughter gave a little attempt to pressure me into mainstream treatment.  She'd be the last person on earth I'd have take me to a hospital, but what came to mind was the fact, the details of the injury were not important, it simply needed time to heal.  Our bodies are fearfully and wonderfully made.  A hardness was developing in the soft tissue under the skin, like an internal cast.  I wrapped it well to hold it and protect it, and mixed up a bit of pain killer . . . natural of course.  In the event of a broken bone, a glass of wine is simply not enough!

I was amazed at the number of comments I received attesting to the need for surgical alignment for broken bones in folks past 40.  Some day if they take Xrays through my autopsy, they may scratch their heads, but in the mean time . . . I never missed a morning or evening closing chickens, and still wrapped with my wonderful critter wrap from the farm store, in three days I was back to milking.  I did keep my arm wrapped for a few weeks and there have been a couple of comments that it didn't heal exactly right after the second break, but all things considered.  I can lift my pressure cooker and milk my goats.  I do everything I did before I broke it.  At this age, even if my arm had been surgically aligned pefectly, this body still would not be a Perfect 10!

Preparation Includes the Perfect Accessory

I've noticed a number of new sites to purchase modest apparel, tzitizyot, and tichels [fringes and head coverings.]   My every day clothes are holding up fairly well, which includes tzitziyot and tichels.  Through the years, I've made a few skirts for the High Holy Days.  The last one I made was for Sukkot.  It kind of took awhile for me to register a fancy skirt with camping, but I like it.  There is a place in Scripture which mentions a garment of divers colors worn by David's daughter, and the 45th Psalm speaks of dressing for the King.  I made what I think is a beautiful and colorful skirt, added a vividly colored top as well as a contrasting bold silk over blouse.  It may not be everyone's cup o' tea, but the very first time I read about Tamar renting her colorful garment; I realized in Messiah, I've been restored and wear my colors in grateful remembrance of that fact.

Sometimes I can get quite colorful so I don't accessorize a great deal.  Back when I went places daily, I wore a watch, and sometimes earrings or a simple chain necklace; but I'm just not an accessorizing kind of gal.  I'm just too hard on things.  Rings, I like rings, but now that I'm a milk maid, that's not so practical.  I'm sure "the girls" wouldn't appreciate rings on every finger, either.  Yet I digress.  I do enjoy dressing up for the High Holy Days for my King, who is the King of kings.  I'm truly looking forward to a time of gathering and fellowship.

So many are preparing for end time events to unfold.  As it's looking, rather than unfold, it appears civilization in general will simply unravel.   I've given some serious thought as to how I would protect this place from what is prophesied.  I won't!  It will truly take the protection of Adonai to keep it.  I don't even plan to stock up on ammo or think I'll be the winner in a big shoot out.  I do know whatever the circumstances, I'll be alive until my numbered day.  I'm thinking more along the lines of beasts of the field and not buying and selling.  I can hunt and process meat, but how would I handle a hungry predator?  The most interesting thought came to me.  While we're all debating everything from clothing to the pre-trib rapture . . . yes, some are still holding out for that, I realized it truly is time to "get all Biblical!"

The story of David comes to mind, beginning with royal attire, but then came into view from another perspective from several sources, including the Voice of YHWH in my kitchen at my stove.  The Ozarks has more of one particular commodity than Cabela's has bullets.  The Ozarks has rocks, lots and lots of rocks.  The perfect accessory for this princess to "get all Biblical" is a sling shot!

Walking in Wellness

This last week, I've had a few reminders that I'm no kid anymore.  There's a bit of sadness, in that I apparently missed noticing my "right of passage" but that's okay, because I have noticed something else that is absolutely wonderful!  There have been a few injuries along the way, like a couple of broken ankles, not at the same time, thankfully, my arm broken twice in one year, and the spring the horse stepped on my leg which resulted in several very interesting lessons, but . . .  Since I walked away from mainstream medicine, completely, I had only one bout of being too sick to get out of bed, and I'm sure that was a specifically spiritual because I'd left mainstream medicine.  For three days, I laid in bed with a very high fever, of 104°.  I'd not eaten or drank anything but sips of water through that time.  I could not even drink juice, I felt so bad, when the account of Peter's mother-in-law came to my fever weary spirit.
  
And when Y'hshuwah was come into Peter's house, he saw his wife's mother laid, and sick of a fever.  And he touched her hand, and the fever left her: and she arose, and ministered unto them.  Matthew 8:14-15  I asked Y'hshuwah to touch me, I remember reaching out my hand . . . and the fever left.  I got up and entered into this ministry of healing without sorcery.  I knew I was being led this way, but that day, I also knew if I ever compromised, it would be putting my hand to the plow and turning back.  And Y'hshuwah said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of G-d.  Luke 9:62

There has not been a single day homesteading that I was too sick to do chores!  After leaving mainstream medicine, not a day in which I have been too sick to operate.  There have, as I mentioned a few days in which major injuries were a hurdle, but I still got up, prayed, opened chicken houses, and herded goats.  I will admit, at the onset of a major injury, I didn't separate the kids from the mothers, so I got a few days reprieve from milking, but even with broken bones, I was able to get to the barn and milk after three days.

And as for the written portion of the ministry . . . I've had an injury propped or iced on occasion, but I've always managed to function on the keyboard.   I met a wonderful friend in a discussion about where believers draw the line of going to doctors.  She made the statement, if she had a broken bone . . . I was at that moment able to share, I had just suffered multiple fractures in my arm, earlier in the week and YHWH had gotten me through it.

Recovery from an injury is uncomfortable, regardless, but I know I've been spared surgical repair and pharmaceutical side effects by trusting our Heavenly Father for healing, and as I previously stated, aside from a few injuries, I haven't had a "sick day" in long over a decade!

Fearsome . . . or . . . Fearless

This week has been illuminating, to say the least.  As doors are opening and closing, other facts are surrounding my awareness, as well.  A few months ago, I had a dream in which I was driving home from town and as I was just about home, saw several black bears laying along side the lane to my house.  My dog, Hank, was poised and appeared quite diligently aware of the situation.  When I awoke, I felt it was significant, but wasn't really sure that it represented spiritual symbolism.  I mentioned it to someone, and they responded immediately with what bears meant in dreams, and dogs, etc . . . That seemed too vague for the specifics of the dream.  I tend to shy away from thinking everything is prophetic symbolism.  I realize that is possible, but usually my dreams that are specific are more literal than symbolic.  To consider bears as literal on the place was not an idea I wanted to entertain, so I decided to not think about it.

Interestingly, not long after the dream, not one, but two men mentioned that the Department of Conservation had chipped and released bears in the area and a neighbor of one of the gentlemen had seen one on his back deck getting into his trash can.  Naturally, the dream popped back in to my mind, but again, I just didn't want to think about it!  Besides, the bears in my dream were either dead, lazy, or intimidated by Hank.  

Fast forward to about a month ago, when my mother called.  Now, I can just about always count on my mother to provide the negative confirmation or at least a spontaneous ominous perspective to things I've been shown.  She called because she'd been watching a news report that said there were about 300 black bears in southern Missouri.  Again, the memory of the dream came to mind.  Since this was now the third unsolicited mention of bears since my dream, I decided it was time to put on my big girl panties and do a bit of research.  Sure enough, black bears are on the increase in the area, and protected by the Department of Conservation.  Arkansas did a reintroduction of black bears, that appear to prefer Missouri, so we now actually have what is called the Missouri Black Bear Project.  According to the research I've done, there have been quite a few sightings near my "neck o' the woods."

I have to admit, the thought of a side arm for blackberry picking did cross my mind . . . especially the way Hank scouted the lane every time I went to pick.  He acted like he knew about my dream.  I had several visitors that first week of blackberry picking, and there were no bear sightings.  The next week, I went back to where my grandson and I had picked and as Hank scouted the timber, I came across a swarm of honey bees.  I wrote about that in last week's edition, and once again had to push the thought of bears out of my mind.  Bears like honey, and that is one of the main topics in the pages I had researched.  

Something happened earlier this week that has not happened since Hank and Babe arrived on the place in 2011.  I lost a goat to a varmint.  This was no small goat and evidence from the scene, indicated it was no small varmint.  Hank and Babe have kept coyotes at bay, I've seen Hank take off after them, after foxes, but this was different.  I could tell the animal had been driven away by the way the carcass of the goat appeared, but this animal had clearly caught my guardian dogs, off guard.  Later when I went back to pick more blackberries I thought of David dealing with wild animals in his shepherding days.  I knew whatever that critter was, I was being kept safe by my Heavenly Father.  I also knew, this was another sign of the end of days, regarding beasts of the field mentioned in the Revelation 6.

To date, I haven't yet seen this critter, but the other day, I heard a commotion and ran out the door.  Babe was barking like I'd never heard her, and Hank leaped and climbed fences and ran like I've never seen him do.  He then ran up the north lane toward Babe's barking.  I saw his white tail going east into the timber, barking ferociously, and then within minutes came sauntering back, appearing to convey, "mission accomplished."  When he got back to the middle of the place, he then took the pose he'd had in my dream.  Y'hshuwah said, "Fear not."  I will not feed the fears!

Busy, Overload

This princess is pooped!  I don't remember beginning the canning season this tired, before.  I don't think I've suddenly become a sluggard or a slacker, but I even overslept this morning.  The poor rooster must of gone hoarse and gave up.  As I read the prophet portion that accompanies this week's Torah reading, I compared myself to Elisha . . . Twelve yoke of oxen!  By the time you got that much all teamed up and ready, it would be just about time to start unhitching . . .  Twelve yoke of oxen is 24 critters weighing about a ton apiece!  I have no idea how long it would take to get them ready to BEGIN working the field, but even under perfect circumstances and amazing cooperation, I'm guessing to begin working the field by dawn, you'd have to start the night before.

Now fast forward to this peculiar busy person and I think, perhaps I'd get a lot more done with one team yoked for morning, let them rest at noon and take a fresh yoked team for afternoon.  I've literally been so busy and exhausted, I've feared the coming of Messiah a couple of times.  Would he find me sleeping?  I think of those virgins, both wise and foolish.  Do I get so busy, that I'm not even sure where my lamp is? Much less my oil?  So far, I've reeled in and stopped, but it's been close enough to the cliff of the chasm, I don't want to do this next week.  I felt so accomplished getting rid of dust bunnies and organizing, a few weeks ago.  Now, I'm looking at all the summer goodness from Abba, and I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed.  As promised in Deuteronomy 28, I want to enjoy His blessing overtaking me!

Many of us are sensing the changes coming, big changes that are happening.  Although not officially declared, Israel is under attack and basically at war to defend her existence.  Our country is being invaded and overtaken by foreign children.  Who would have seen that one coming?  What a way to invade a country?  It's the ultimate of a war tactic.  Here I was thinking China could just call in the note without firing a shot, but Mexico and South American countries can just send kids; sick, hungry kids . . . Things are changing and I know it's my call to stand in the gap on behalf of the land.  I'm covering as much of this ten acres as I can, and I do know, others will be arriving soon.

I'm laying down the feeling of overload, it's exhausting; to simply do the task at hand.  Rather than have 12 or 24 projects to start each morning, I'll have one or two an hour and a couple that I can multi-task, but I'm the kind of girl that needs to see the project accomplished.  Incompletion wears me out!  So many things have been a blessing these last two weeks, and so many more are unfolding.  I don't want to be too worn out to enjoy them.   I want to know where my lamp is at all times, and have it filled with oil.  I can't pray Come quickly, Messiah, and be too busy or tired to greet Him!