For over 50 years, I felt bad about my appearance and size. While I'm shaking my head and furrowing my brow at all this trans mess confusion, asking why they can't just appreciate their body as they were created, it hit me between the eyes. Now mine isn't so severe as to dislike my gender, I'm glad I'm a girl, but I spent a lifetime hating my body, and that is also wrong. Don't get me wrong, my body is far from perfect, but I was simply not created to be a size 4. I did that sort of, one time in my life and caused myself serious harm. Actually, only my skirt was a size 4, my blouses and blazers were still size 16. I have to be very self-abusive to be what is considered thin in this society. The flip side to the self-abuse though, is the constant remarks I hear from family and the lack of interest shown to me by Mr. B. I'm not the image of obesity. As a matter of fact, I get compliments from strangers, regularly, but like an idiot, I placed more value on the negative comments and treatment from family, then adopted that for my own perspective. I should have allowed myself to be influenced by "the kindness of strangers." I'm about to get personal here.
My skirts and leggings are less than plus size. Depending upon the article of clothing, I am about a 14-16 or in generic sizing: large. My tops on the other hand, are usually 2X and they do not appear to be oversized at all! I do have to double cuff the long sleeved blouses though, as my upper body girth does exceed my upper body length. I'm between 5'7" and 5'8" and finally, after developing a complex at 3 1/2 years of age, I have been delivered and gained victory! HalleluYah! This blog has done a lot in letting me see my feelings in writing, and how ridiculous some of my self-perception has been. There have been times in my past, I seriously considered surgical alteration of my body. It's like I wasted my best looking years feeling ugly and now that I'm long past 50, I'm feeling just pretty good about my appearance, at this age.
The natural health and beauty products I make really do keep my skin looking young. Enjoying my time outdoors keeps my skin tone vibrantly bronzed and my muscles in pretty good tone. I'm not as active as I could be, but homesteading does involve more physical activity than city living, for sure. I received Abba's Word back in 2012, after a horrendous experience, the promises of the 103rd Psalm. It's taken nearly three more years to get to the heart of my problem, and watching the Bruce Jenner headlines, I finally saw. It's not a matter of being a perfect physical specimen, as a decathlon medal Olympian surely was. It's about humbly not second guessing our Creator.
A Psalm of David. Bless YHWH, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless His Holy Name. Bless YHWH, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness
and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the
eagle's.
It hasn't happened overnight, but you know, I carried that burden for a lot of years. I have truly noticed although my locks are silver, my face has very few lines and I just continue to become more comfortable in my own skin. My mom has decided once again to go on yet another diet. She's played the diet yoyo game my entire life and she offered to share it with me. My response, for the first time in my life was, "I'm not interested, I eat fresh organic food and I like my body the way it is." She was clearly not expecting that response! Actually, I was a bit surprised to hear myself say it, but I believe it!
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