Mr. B doesn't like to talk to me. Oh, he'll tell me old stories, like when he was growing up, and all about "the can plant" and a few Snorkel memories, but that's all! We don't discuss and sadly we don't share happy memories. The good times I have, don't involve him, per his choice and there's no indication he's enjoyed himself since the turn of this century. I'll be honest here, I spent some time blaming him, and probably even more time doubting that I'd heard G-d at all regarding this marriage, but then it dawned on me. Every moment that I spend thinking about the last 13 years . . . sigh; and every complaint I state about the last 13, and every doubt I ponder, is time I can't get back.
I can't change what happened 13 years ago, but I can sure stop dwelling on the doubt and the disappointment. So many promises were broken and so many statements made that there simply is no desire to reconcile our situation or relationship, but we can choose to not invest time poorly. I can't make someone love me or share my joy in Adonai, but no one can take my joy. I can choose, however; to lose my joy . . . or not. At the end of the day, week, month, or year, all I can do is determine if I did what I should have done, regardless of what was returned. Truth be told, I really like the space this relationship affords me. As I've shut up and stopped trying to analyze it, I've discovered I'm actually not interested in changing the way things are between us. This is as close to having my cake and eating it too, as anyone could have!
The only power over choice I have is power over the choices I make. Choice is a sore spot for me because before I married Mr. B, he was talking about making a decision of some kind, and I piped up encouragingly and proclaimed, "I'm all about choice!" In the last few days I have come to realize, even though there are some serious no-choices in my life, I can still choose what I think about and where I invest my energy. So many wonderful opportunities await, if we don't choose to spend our energy unwisely. Interestingly, as I was writing this another situation arose that has brought the same insight.
I'm suddenly and sadly aware that my attempt to obey the fifth commandment has extracted much unproductive energy. Some things simply will not change and of course the past cannot be undone or redone. I'm getting a lot of practice now at making sure what bounces through my head doesn't come flying out my mouth. I already have to repent for the thoughts I entertain, I don't want to have to repent for words that should remain unspoken!
It really is simple when I break it down incrementally. The energy spent to engage in an unproductive conversation is spent, never to be regained. Unproductive conversations usually have one of two outcomes. Thoughts that are unsaid can mulled over, and replayed, which is more wasted energy ruminating; or something regrettable is said, and that is sin. Not only wasted energy on a dead-end conversation, but sin, which is never energy well spent. Then add the time it takes to seek forgiveness of Abba and the additional energy it takes to apologize to the person.
I am still all about choice and I am choosing to spend less energy on things that are counterproductive and that usually involves words, but then Scripture already says that . . . repeatedly. None of us chose our parents and whether we are married or single, in good relationships or bad, we can choose how we react and how we spend our energy.
In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips
is wise. a Proverb of Holy Scripture
No comments:
Post a Comment