Releasing Regrets

The past few weeks have been truly amazing and special, as I've shared here; but with all the special blessings, have also come a time also of past regrets.  I'm not talking about others, but about my own failure and the regrets and disappointments that have sort of lurked in the shadows.  Most of my regrets took place before I was walking in covenant and following my King.  I am forgiven, but obviously, can not go back in time and change them.  All I can do is move forward, and I have.  Interestingly, these past few weeks have brought me to a place of actually releasing the regrets.

In all these years, I really didn't know how to do that.  I didn't know how to stop remembering something stupid or wrong I'd done . . . I figured everyone had regrets and probably everyone handles them in their own way, but I needed a better way.  I was truly tired of regretting so many failed relationships, in which there is no reparation.  Even without the option of going back in time, most of these failed relationships could not be rectified in future settings either, and that's where the reality of release began . . . Carrying regrets does two things.  It weighs us down and prevents us from rising to the full potential Abba has for us and it sets us up to live with blame in new relationships.

First, I cannot reconcile any previous marriage, as that is forbidden in Torah, so to continue to regret my failure, is time and energy squandered.  The only way to view those now, is to hope and pray those men are happy and have a relationship with our Heavenly Father.  I know some of them have moved on to other relationships and I hope those women do not have to "pay" for any hurt I caused the men.  I know I've "payed" for someone else's old baggage and I would not wish that on an enemy.  It could be the old baggage I've been dealt; was the consequences and comeuppance of my past behavior.

There is a meme that circulates social media regularly that sums life up rather well.  I'll include the quote here, with the credited author.

“We are free to choose our actions, . . . but we are not free to choose the consequences of these actions.”

                                                                                         ― Stephen R. Covey

Life does include consequences and most of us in our forties and fifties realize, what we thought were great ideas in our teens and twenties, have not all proven to be so great!  I don't mean to generalize or be vague, but I don't know of too many folks who didn't make at least one or two regrettable choices.  I have more than a few, but the reality is, I've had far fewer since walking with Messiah, and there's no reason to spend any more of the time I have left on regrets, I can't change, and our Heavenly Father doesn't even remember.  Isn't that so amazing about an all knowing Creator.  He is so awesome, He can choose to forget something!  In just trying to imagine His vastness, and attempting to wrap my mind and heart around His love, there is just little room for regrets.

Better Choices

Mr. B doesn't like to talk to me.  Oh, he'll tell me old stories, like when he was growing up, and all about "the can plant" and a few Snorkel memories, but that's all!  We don't discuss and sadly we don't share happy memories.  The good times I have, don't involve him, per his choice and there's no indication he's enjoyed himself since the turn of this century.  I'll be honest here, I spent some time blaming him, and probably even more time doubting that I'd heard G-d at all regarding this marriage, but then it dawned on me.  Every moment that I spend thinking about the last 13 years . . . sigh; and every complaint I state about the last 13, and every doubt I ponder, is time I can't get back.

I can't change what happened 13 years ago, but I can sure stop dwelling on the doubt and the disappointment.  So many promises were broken and so many statements made that there simply is no desire to reconcile our situation or relationship, but we can choose to not invest time poorly.  I can't make someone love me or share my joy in Adonai, but no one can take my joy.  I can choose, however; to lose my joy . . . or not.  At the end of the day, week, month, or year, all I can do is determine if I did what I should have done, regardless of what was returned.  Truth be told, I really like the space this relationship affords me.  As I've shut up and stopped trying to analyze it, I've discovered I'm actually not interested in changing the way things are between us.  This is as close to having my cake and eating it too, as anyone could have!

The only power over choice I have is power over the choices I make.  Choice is a sore spot for me because before I married Mr. B, he was talking about making a decision of some kind, and I piped up encouragingly and proclaimed, "I'm all about choice!"  In the last few days I have come to realize, even though there are some serious no-choices in my life, I can still choose what I think about and where I invest my energy.  So many wonderful opportunities await, if we don't choose to spend our energy unwisely.  Interestingly, as I was writing this another situation arose that has brought the same insight.

I'm suddenly and sadly aware that my attempt to obey the fifth commandment has extracted much unproductive energy.  Some things simply will not change and of course the past cannot be undone or redone.  I'm getting a lot of practice now at making sure what bounces through my head doesn't come flying out my mouth.  I already have to repent for the thoughts I entertain, I don't want to have to repent for words that should remain unspoken!

It really is simple when I break it down incrementally.  The energy spent to engage in an unproductive conversation is spent, never to be regained.  Unproductive conversations usually have one of two outcomes.  Thoughts that are unsaid can mulled over, and replayed, which is more wasted energy ruminating; or something regrettable is said, and that is sin.  Not only wasted energy on a dead-end conversation, but sin, which is never energy well spent.  Then add the time it takes to seek forgiveness of Abba and the additional energy it takes to apologize to the person.

I am still all about choice and I am choosing to spend less energy on things that are counterproductive and that usually involves words, but then Scripture already says that . . . repeatedly.  None of us chose our parents and whether we are married or single, in good relationships or bad, we can choose how we react and how we spend our energy.

In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.  a Proverb of Holy Scripture