Are You Done Talking?

That question ran through me like a knife.  I was sitting at the table sobbing over something that I just couldn't come to grips with, when I made the ridiculous mistake of trying to talk to Mr. B about it.  In less than five minutes, staring in abject sullen silence, he suddenly blurted out this question.  "Are you done talking?"  My response was, "Yes."  And out the door he went.  To my sorrow, as always; it was only a temporary disregarding exit, rather than an actual departure.  

In the past two days, it seems our entire relationship has been like a rerun movie playing.  Truth of the matter is, if our relationship was a movie, it would have bombed at the box office, or . . . just landed on the editing room floor.  I've truly thought for years, I'm living the passage in Hebrews 12 about chastisement being unpleasant for a time . . . I'm beginning to sound to myself, like the children of Israel in Egypt.  It may very well be chastisement, as my marital track record was far from stellar.  My big problem in this, however; is the humiliation I feel in this trapped obligation in which I reside.  This is the first time, I've not been able to just take off and call it quits.  I was brought to this land, to this very place, and Mr. B tells me he's here, simply because he has no other place to be, and nothing to do.  I certainly can't argue with that!  He doesn't cook, he's not into housework, and he quit his job before our first anniversary . . .

I have to confess, however; I may have had pride in thinking this was going to be "happily ever after."  I mean, I'd finally "done marriage right," or so I thought.  Although I was divorced, and not just once, I didn't have premarital relations, I knew Abba had told me I was the woman for him, and I do believe in the natural flesh that is true, but I failed to enquire before the marriage, if we were soulmates.   I would strongly urge anyone contemplating matrimony to be sure and ask about being soulmates before saying, "I do."  Eve was Adam's rib, and we all know how that turned out . . . This "woman for him" deal has revealed the sheer horror of who I was in the flesh before becoming a believer.  I am so sorry for the pain I caused, good people.

I didn't realize until remembering back on our failed attempt at physical intimacy, that I had pride in that as well.  When Abba told me I was the right woman for Mr. B, I told Abba, he'd have to put the desire in me then, because I just didn't have it.  There was absolutely NO chemistry!  I simply did not find him physically attractive, but I was mature enough to know there is more to a person that physical appearance.  Imagine the humiliation when I got to hear, he just didn't find me desirable.  So, at least we have that in common . . . Unfortunately, I didn't get to hear that until after the wedding and a honeymoon beyond my worst nightmare.  Now, in looking back, by comparison, the honeymoon doesn't seem so bad.  At least it came to a conclusion . . .

The fact that we find each other less than desirable was sadly made worse by the fact that for the short time this man remained employed . . . that's another horror story; as he actually told "stories about me" like I was some easy/sleazy one night stand.  Knowing his veracity for truth, I doubt they were accurate, but all the worse.  Can you imagine taking your husband his "forgotten" lunch to a break room full of men who had been told "stories?"  I know this to be the case, because Mr. B told me about telling others . . . To make it more painful, I was a minister in the town, with a very well respected reputation, until . . .  Then there was the time, I sat at the dining room table while he drew an illustration about how parts were supposed to "fit."  All I can say about that incident was, "Praise be to G-d, all the thoughts bouncing through my brain did not fly out my mouth."

So, as Mr. B. snarled his question the other day, I realized, "Yes indeed, I'm done talking, as matter of fact, when it comes to any level of interacting, I am simply "done."  In all fairness to him, I have not spent nearly fourteen years suffering in silence.  I spent over three years doing everything I could think of, to get him to want a divorce, but after his surgery and disability, I've tried to keep my comments to a minimum and I've been made painfully aware, my feelings about our situation are irrelevant to his life.  I shake my head, shrug my shoulders, and have now resigned myself to, "It is what it is."  I've truly been matured to choose to focus on my real priorities in life, and as it turns out, finally . . . my priorities are YHWH, following Messiah, and sharing the reason for the hope that is in me to all who ask.  Along with the possibility of chastisement, I'm getting quite the lesson in learning about contentment!

But godliness with contentment is great gain . . . And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.

Knowing Our Type

We hear all the time about the differences between the sexes, and there are many.  Our Creator made men and women to be different; and even within the two sexes, we are hardly all the same.  Our differences and uniquenesses should be appreciated as a reflection of just how creative our Heavenly Father truly is.  In all these differences, however; there are some very basic similarities.  Like women, men come in all shapes, sizes, and shades.  Also like women, they are so much more than their superficial appearance.  I don't hand out much relationship advice, because I don't have much success in that area of my life, which has led me to a unique circle of influence and opportunity.   I'd like to share a few thoughts in regard to potential relationship success, as well as the reality of why many relationships fail.

People tend to be older now when they marry, and many are already living together, have been in an intimate relationship prior to marriage, or divorced and remarrying.  It seems the divorce rate has dropped, while statistics indicate fewer folks are getting married.  I've made no bones about the fact, my marital and divorce record changes the statistics in any given gathering.   I'm not proud of that fact, but it is a fact.  That's why I've elected to share a few things I wish I'd known before.


First and foremost, people are not necessarily being dishonest when the dating begins.  Some may be, but for the most part a new relationship is exciting and the interest level is simply high.  New couples want to spend time together and want to get to know each other, but once the "getting to know each other" becomes sharing plans and making plans, a comfortable confidence replaces the curiosity and chemistry.  I wish I'd known that years ago.  I'm not a person who desires a great deal of attention and quality time.  I truly think I was afraid that some men would continue to be as attentive as they were dating, if we married.  I definitely appreciate a man who is busy and doesn't need my attention constantly, or insists upon showering me with attention.  I prefer men who maintain their already established priorities, while also including me.  

I fell between the emotional cracks of what I needed.  In my desire to share a busy life with another person who also valued their time alone to accomplish goals, I ended up in more than one marriage with a man who was just looking for a responsible partner that would afford him the right to be absent.  I didn't realize until very recently, that I had really never entered a marriage covenant expecting to build a life together.  I've always, always married men who were sure the right woman, me; would make a wonderful marriage.  Half of a couple cannot make that happen.

I've been asked more than a few times recently about my situation and lack of interaction with a spouse.  This may sound a bit strange, but I don't feel that I'm missing out on anything.  I would like to have a spouse who shared my spiritual beliefs, but without that, the rest doesn't really make much difference.  At first, I thought I needed to do things differently, but the reality is Abba knew exactly what I needed and precisely what I didn't need.  I'm not a person given to a great deal of quality time or intimacy.  I don't enjoy television or movies.  To be perfectly honest, when I find myself in a situation of "making time" with someone, I'm usually thinking about other things.  That's who I am.  If I were with a man who needed a lot of interactive time, I'd be letting him down.  It might even seem like rejection to him.  Shared spiritual interests, now, that's quality time, and in that many topics and interests maintain my undivided attention!

It is my firm belief that we have to know our level of attention required, and the amount of "alone time" we need.  Some people do need a great deal of interactive quality time, others not so much.  Some people are quite content in their hobbies, while others prefer to be spectators in their choice of entertainment.  With life now, so instant, there just isn't the building time there used to be in relationships.  We don't marry young and grow together, and most of us aren't struggling to eek out an existence.  Many young couples remain dependent upon parents after they start "housekeeping" or borrow their way into "being established."  Our society simply has a great deal of free time figured in to everyone's schedule.  What someone does with their "free time" or down time, tends to be the make or break definition of a relationship.

We all need our sleep, and for those of us who are attempting to walk as Messiah walked, there is a day of rest, as well.  If the day of rest and Feast days are shared, the rest of the schedule will undoubtedly be easier.  In many homes, both spouses work.  Usually, one knows before marrying the career of the other person and how satisfied they are in their own job.  Money management is an important issue in marriage as well.  Regardless of chemistry, a spendthrift and a penny pincher will not usually make a very happy couple.  Even if opposites attract, they do not always work well together.

Although I don't consider this to be relationship advice, please, before making a relationship commitment, know who your were Created to be.  If you like a lot of interactive quality time, don't marry a workaholic.  If you prefer frugal simplicity, watch how the other person handles their money.  Most importantly, if you want to spend your life with your soulmate, make sure the two of you are on the "same page" Scripturally.   In our society, it's easy for everyone to know and use the same words, but not everyone is walking their talk.  Be sure you know what is important in your own life before making a covenant commitment.