Sukkot at 57

I'll admit it, I have an RV that has been my sukkah for a few years now.  This year, it wasn't possible in that it is parked in the same pasture Leroy was staying.  Once he came to understand my promise of Psalm 8, he then wanted to be everywhere I was . . . and I just didn't want the Winnebago door to look like the gate, so I pitched a tent at the edge of the north timber.  I've since learned that there are air mattresses that are actually as far off the ground as a regular bed, but I didn't learn that until Sukkot was over.

As I reclined there on my special pile of a pillow mattress, I remembered the story of "the Princess and the Pea."  Well, I didn't actually remember the entire story, just the part about a pea under a pile of mattresses that caused the tender princess to have a back ache.  This princess had a similar experience, only I'm not so tender.  I was only about 4 inches off the ground and it was not a pea, but Ozark rocks.  There was, however; a bed of straw under a tarp, under the tent floor that was supposed to serve as a cushion.  I'm sure the straw did serve as a cushion, but I'm definitely making other arrangements for next year, ALREADY!

Actually plans are already in the works for next year's Feast of Tabernacles.  This princess is beyond excited!  It looks like a gathering is already being organized to take place here in the Land of Goshen.  As a matter of fact, all I will be expected to do is show them where the fire is to be built and share some insight!  I'm already looking forward to this!  If Messiah returns between now and then, we'll move it from Goshen to  Jerusalem, and that will be even better.

I have to admit, this year I also spent one night on the deck . . . The full moon and stars were amazing.  There is more to my confession.  I could not believe how many times I get up in the night . . . so on some nights, by the third trip into the house to use the facilities, I simply crashed on the living room couch, with the front door open, as the dawn broke!  Sukkoting solo does have it's less than stellar moments!  I am believing next year's plans will gain momentum, making this past one, my last solo Sukkot!

What's A Princess to Do?

Realizing Purim and Hanukkah are not Feasts mentioned in Torah, I consider the style of celebration to be optional.   Some "Christian Hebrew converts" feel entirely too pious to even consider observing them.  While many traditional Jews go all out in celebration with extravagant costumes and desserts.  I guess, as usual, I fall somewhere between or perhaps outside of both.  On the Hebrew Gregorian calendar conversion, my date of birth fell on the 13th day of the 12th month back in the year of my arrival and that date just happens to be mentioned a couple of times in the book of Esther.  Knowing how easy is it to make spiritual matters about ourselves and our own interpretations, I try to tread lightly.  Purim, for me, is a time set apart to celebrate the power and deliverance of our Heavenly Father when we stand and in boldness speak out.

I don't participate in the full costume portion of the celebration, as that feels a bit like a Halloween knock-off or Mardi gras, but if my children were home, we'd have a "royal dress up day."  I used to have a tiara that was included in my hair style for the day.  Since Purim is not a Sabbath, there's just nothing that says "Princess" like accomplishing my everyday work wearing a tiara.  Sadly, in the last move, my tiara came up missing, and it's yet to be found.  I keep thinking I'll find it, or buy another, but that just hasn't happened, so this year I took a different approach.

Purim actually aligned with my birthday this year on the Gregorian calendar, so this year I decided to dress up  for the occasion.  I do make special cakes for each of the Feasts as well as the extra celebrations, but I'm not suggesting that to be doctrinal.  Cakes are not essential and Scripture even warned of the Israelites baking cakes in idolatrous rituals, so spirit check on that one . . . I don't bake often, so the difference between a regular meal and a feast at my table is, a feast includes dessert.  It's nothing more significant than that. Back to this recent Purim.

In observing this day,  I'd planned to watch "One Night With the King" after sunset the 4th, but already aware that staying awake through movies is virtually impossible, that plan was tabled.  Dinner was nothing fancy, but dessert was included.  After a slice of red velvet cake with a glass of wine, I'd hit my limit of celebration for the evening.  I awoke quite early, while it was still dark, to read the book of Esther.  Even at 3am, it really wasn't all that dark; as the full moon was so bright, there were moon shadows and the rooster was already crowing.  What a lovely way to greet the morning!  This was going to be no ordinary day.   Giving thanks for the day, I loaded a couple of goats for the auction, then later donned my costume and headed to town.  Being new to a full costume for Purim, I stayed in theme for the day.  I dressed as a middle aged farm woman heading to a livestock auction.

The goat auction really does have a cotillion atmosphere for me.  I don't make all that many purchases, but in the thousands of permanent buyer numbers, the auctioneer remembers mine.  Yes, it feels special!  In reality, my number is probably somebody's birthday or part of his phone number or address, but it feels special, none the less.  This night at the auction, I had a couple of specifics in mind, but no rush to settle for anything.


 Having chosen to use Bible names this year in the new herd arrivals, I continued that theme with the auction arrivals as well.  It only made sense when a big beautiful Oberhasli doe with regal horns, entered the ring with a little one in tow, I was probably looking at Esther . . .  Sure enough, and on the way home, I was pleased to discover her little one could potentially be the new herd sire.  I'd actually been looking for the last two years for an Oberhasli cross buck and was definitely wanting one for this coming breeding season.
Yah willing, the arrival of little Mordechai means the search for the herd sire has officially been accomplished.


 

Q & A

As a princess, I want to conduct myself in a manner befitting my royal status.  I do not want my behavior or words to bring shame upon my Beloved or my Abba.  As the headlines and news feeds are filled with the suggestive subjects and the agenda of perversion, the openness of sexual discussion abounds.  I'm old enough to remember a time when much of what is now general conversation was only mentioned in hushed whispers with few details, and never in mixed company.  I am not backward per se when it comes to sexual discussion, but I do not appreciate coarseness.  I prefer to keep the subject of sexual matters to straight forward fact and function.  

On the other hand, I've never been terribly comfortable in discussing my own feelings on an emotional level when it comes to intimacy.  I find the topic of intimacy to be much more personal than sex.  With same sex marriage in the headlines, and the concept of being transgendered, introduced to elementary aged school children, obviously the subject of sex has gone far beyond fact and function.  Suddenly it seems as if there are no facts, just perverse imaginings that seem to have no end.  There are facts, though!  There are spiritual, emotional, and physical facts that simply cannot be ignored.

I've spent several years in a very non-intimate marriage, on every level . . . That's the old fashioned way of saying we are not soulmates, we don't share interests, we don't talk if we don't have to, and we do not "sleep together."  "Not soulmates," means we do not pray or share religious beliefs and "do not sleep together" is the old fashioned reference to celibacy in a relationship, and in my case, separate bedrooms.  Recently, in a conversation I was asked how I could be so content sharing nothing with my husband.  As I thought about that, I realized I would have to give up being the person Abba has created and called me to be, to be desired by him . . . I've seen the women this man finds attractive, and heard the words that reflect their character.

This thought made me wonder how many other people think they have to embrace something or accept the invasive opinions or belittlement by others to be accepted or wanted.  In all this talk of freedom and individuality, there are many, many expectations of conformity and compliance.  I can honestly say, without any doubt, the fact that I have an intimacy issue or lack does not make me look for another type of relationship.  It simply causes me to give pause and assess my priorities.  A relationship should enhance a person's life and bring out  the best in both, not cause one to give up their identity, dignity, integrity, and priorities to be accepted.  That is not love.

When it's all said and done, giving up one's birth right and identity to be accepted, will prove to have dismal results and returns.  We are not gender assigned at birth.  We are created in the womb with a purpose and a plan, and some of us may not have physical intimacy or desires as has been promoted by society or even religion.  That is no reason to embrace the perversion that is being promoted, or to silence those who live by Scriptural values.  Bakers and photographers have already been targeted by the agenda for their values, and now it's moved on to more reality tv.

Last year Phil Roberson was targeted for his comments, and this year apparently the Duggar's are in the sites of the LGBT agenda.  Although I am not a proponent of the full quiver concept or conception, as the case may be, I do defend the Duggar's rights to say what they choose and live according to their beliefs.  In all honesty, I don't qualify for the one man and one woman for life "marriage photo" on their page, but that doesn't mean they don't have the right to have their page.  Many of us are different from what is considered mainstream, but changing mainstream is not the answer.  For all those who question their identity, discovering G-d's Truth is the only answer.

Not Esther?

What woman doesn't like to feel a little "princessy" once in awhile.  I've never been one to enjoy the thought of just being ornamental, which as it turns out, is good.  Otherwise, life would have been a real let down!  Porcelain doll, I'm not, and kid gloves are not required but once in awhile, I'd still like to be "handled with care."  That is not a loaded statement or one of innuendo, just once in awhile, a little pampering would be nice . . . I think.  Not even pampering, just a comforting touch!  That's it, a comforting touch.  Again, let me reiterate; I miss ((HUGS))!

I've really been searching these past few years about the change I've sensed coming.  I almost wrote soul searching, and for a time, I was quite introspective, but that was years ago.  I've been searching and seeking Abba's answers in some strangely unresolved questions and situations for some time now, and all of the things He's brought to me and said, He'd already shown me, I just wasn't ready to see it.   As it turns out, after praying to "Live the Bible," Abba has shown me passages that were "all mine."  That's not to discount others, but simply passages that leapt off the page to me, for introspection, implementation, or experience.

In all honesty, I've not been the best of servants, but I've been outspoken and obedient to the point of being the target of false accusations and rejection.  I truly do seek Abba that I may handle it graciously, but it hurts.  It not only hurts my "human feelings," it hurts me that Messiah is disrespected and YHWH is discounted, as our society clings to traditions and self-defined images.  When I pour out my tears on my couch as David mentioned in the Psalms, more than once, I've told Y'hshuwah, I need to feel his strong gentle touch.  I need a hug!  I just want to feel his big strong carpenter arms around me, and hear Him say, "Well done, I understand."  It is then that he shows me, he is also hurt.  While I'm sniveling about hurt feelings from some rant; He suffered, bled, and died for me as well as that ranting individual.  He doesn't admonish me, nor condescend, but rather in His gentle, calming outstretched arms, I see the scars.  It certainly puts my "human feelings" in perspective.

So, being "princessy" in the fairy tale sense is not my call, but I do know, it's not the princess part that is errant, but the fairy tale expectation; that is.  Princess is not defined by earthly task or position, but rather simply by being a daughter of the King.  I still remember hearing a sermon based upon Esther 4:14, knowing it was spoken to me, personally.  As I reread Esther yet again, I rediscovered; her position as queen, not princess, was only for a greater work.  She was placed in an unequally yoked position.  Thankfully, my identity in Y'hshuwah has not been kept secret.  I've been able to be open about my beliefs, quite open about my call, and my purpose.

As I look out the window and listen to the sounds of the homestead, I smile.  This task to which I'm called, is the one for which Abba created me and equipped me.  I can't imagine existing in the "kept life" that Esther lived . . . in a harem.  Most of her time as queen was actually spent with tens, perhaps even hundreds of other women.  Oy vey!   How ill suited, I would be for that task.  Some days may become wearisome in the need to be strong and sturdy, but He provides the strength!  This is my place in the Kingdom for such a time as this.

    

An Amazing Day

Here on the homestead, it's often forgotten that I am indeed a princess.  When a goat gets ornery, there's no respect displayed for my loyalty.  When a critter thinks I'm running late, you can tell by the sound of their "voice" and I get a little cartoon visual of them looking at their watch and stamping their foot.  Mr. B doesn't even treat me like a woman, much less a princess, so Abba surprised me the other day when I went to town.

The trip to town, last Thursday felt as if a red carpet had been rolled out for my arrival.  My gait has been a bit troublesome as of late, so I took my walking stick with me.  It's been a busy summer and I'm working hard to get the details in place.  I truly believe Abba has other things planned for me, while I'm not gardening, plus I want the place in order, my lamp filled with oil and my wick trimmed . . . by Yom Teruah!

The most amazing things kept happening in town the other day.  It was as if I had a sign of royalty above me.  On my way to the auction, I stopped in town for a few things.  I didn't take my walking stick into the market, because the buggies serve as a great balancing tool.  I decided to take a stroll down the deli aisle since I'd be getting home late from the auction and a gentleman stopped right in the middle of his order and said, "Go ahead and help her, I've got a pretty long list . . ."  I told him that was unnecessary, but he insisted.  So I gave my single item order, and as I picked it up I thanked him for his kindness and we shared a short dialogue as his order continued to be filled.

Again, I left my walking stick in the vehicle, when I purchased dog food in two different places and it was actually carried to my vehicle, both times!  I pulled into the farm store, planning to see when the fish truck was coming, when the guys at the loading dock simply took up chatting while I was in the vehicle.  We discussed weather, a bit of small talk, and when I mentioned why I'd come, one simply said, "sit tight, I'll go see."  Rather than going to the information counter, I got curb service!  All this before I even got to the auction.

I do tend to get special treatment at the auction, usually.  I don't really know why that is, but I'll admit, I like it!  This time they actually presented a check at the time I went to pay . . . I refused the check, but anyway, the auction truly feels like a debutante ball or cotillion in my honor.  I can't explain it further, but I feel it is a gift from Abba every time I attend.  It's such a special time, I am very selective and protective as to when I attend, because I have to work the chores of the homestead around that evening auction.

Imagine my surprise when friends walked in to the auction.  These were not just acquaintances, but genuine friends.  The man who came in search of goat milk for orphaned fawns and the man who invited me to speak to his congregation about using our talents.  What an amazing blessing . . . plus, the auctioneer was keeping a close eye on my bidding.  I was blessed to bring home a couple of young beauties and I truly thought they were yearlings, but I was mistaken . . .

Let me tell you about Abba's gift.  We simply cannot out give Him!  According to Torah, the offspring of a first time mama belongs to YHWH.  Sometimes I give the firstlings to other homesteaders in His Name, and sometimes they are the main entree' for Holy Day Feast or gathering.  So when I bought these two girls, I bought them with the idea that the kids next spring, were not mine.  A wonderfully polite young man loaded them for me, so I didn't get the overall view of them, until I was unloading them.  They are young, but they're two year olds, and it's obvious that they've already kidded.  I had no idea when I purchased them, what a gift Abba had in store for me.



Often I pray to be used as a blessing to others, but this time I was the one being blessed, everywhere, all day long!