Those three words mean a lot! Even though we know our Heavenly Father loves us and Y'hshuwah loved us enough to die for us, it's nice to hear the words audibly . . . Written throughout Scripture is definitely reaffirming, but still, we're human and we like to hear another human voice say it and preferably with meaning! This past week has truly made me appreciate the value of those three words.
For the past several months, I've made a point of saying, "I love you" to people I minister to and with, as well as many I simply speak with. I truly do love people, well some I have to try to love, but for the most part I do love people. I'm just a bit awkward, introverted, and stoic, which probably comes across as socially inept, but . . . nobody sees me sweat. This past week, however; has been a real eye opener in the value of love and hearing the words. Love isn't just a word, it also involves action, and now this princess has to put her words into action!
My dear, Sweet Aunt Nina has died. Not only am I really not ready for this, but years ago she asked me to officiate her funeral. We were all in good health, at the time, so of course, no problem, but now . . . the funeral is imminent. I am really trying to work through all my thoughts and words, as I choose just the right things to say in her memory. She was an encourager, extraordinaire, and at every parting, she always said, "I love you." So, rather than see her in the casket, as I prepare for her funeral, I'm seeing her in the background, telling me "You can do this! I love you." No, I'm not committing any necromancy and I have prayed for strength and asked others to pray for me, but it's truly who she was and I want to keep that image of her, especially as I prepare for a tribute to her.
At this time, I continue to push the thought out of my mind, that I won't hear that upbeat, slightly sassy voice again, in this life. Her laugh was uniquely recognizable and her style was her own. She was a confident woman, a strong willed woman, and stoic to the nth degree, yet somehow demonstrated a gentle encouragement with those around her. She shared rather than drive or push. I never in my life, heard her say to anyone, "You can't do that!" That's not about morality, but about accomplishment! She encouraged everyone.
She "surrounded" her statement of "I love you" with encouragement, laughter, and sometimes a little too much stoicism to hide her own pain. At times, something I've said or a certain mannerism has been compared to her, and I cherish those compliments more than I can say, so . . . to put action to my words of telling her "I love you," it's time for me to officiate the funeral she asked for. She said no tears . . . I'll do my best to encourage all of us to remember her words of encouragement, and prayerfully put on a bit too much stoicism to hide my own sadness to fulfill her request. I'm so thankful to have had two conversations with her last week, and both of them ended with those words to each other.
Nobody said "I love you" like Sweet Aunt Nina.
Monday, November 30, 2015
Monday, November 16, 2015
True Confession
I've made no bones about my marital track record. Even before following Messiah in Covenant, I had a certain "code of ethics" regarding fornication, adultery, and marriage. My "code of ethics" was not according to the Laws of G-d, therefore my "code of ethics" amounted to nothing more than doing what was right in my own eyes. The Bible calls that sin and my version of it resulted in way too many marriages. Once I began following Messiah in Covenant, my code of ethics was replaced with obedience to The Word, or at least my understanding and I'm still learning and growing in my understanding. I'm not fornicating or committing adultery, and even though I am legally married, my husband rejected me years ago, so I am celibate. In looking back, I've wondered if this has to do with remarriage after divorce. On to the greater issue, though; and that is one of the recent understandings I've come to is my perception and reason for modesty.
My style of modesty has remained about the same now, for nearly 20 years, but I cannot say it's been based purely on spiritual conviction and Scripture. Much of my style, appearance, and behavior has sadly been based more upon my low self-esteem than my true spiritual convictions. This past month, that is changing. Bringing glory and honor to my Heavenly Father should be primary in every decision I make. The world sees my outward appearance and as far as I know, there's no evil to be spoken of in my appearance, but Adonai sees my heart. The truth of the matter is, the motivation behind my dress and behavior needed an upgrade, a serious upgrade!
Slacks and jeans went by the way side in the mid 90s. I'm not teaching a doctrine here, simply stating I felt slacks took away from my femininity. That isn't the case for all women, but it is for me. Then if there is any weight gain or shift, slacks can become "too tight" very quickly, so broom skirts became my style. I began wearing "over blouses," first for more color, then for a feeling of security in regard to my bosom, and upper arm . . . well "over 40 upper arm." I do not believe showing some skin on my arms is a sin, and not all of my over blouses are long sleeved, but they all come close to my elbows. That's the deal though, it's not about covering for modesty, it's about covering my upper arm sag. One could say that reason is vanity. I prefer to think of it as "just good policy." I do not believe a woman must be covered from chin to ankles, as that sounds a lot like a burqa. Frumpy attire and a prudish appearance are not necessary to bring glory to Abba. I don't believe it's a sin to dress attractively; as long as one knows the difference between attractive and provocative . . .
Recently, I got over myself! I may not have a body like Kate Middleton, but I am a princess, nonetheless; and Mr. B's attitude toward me is his issue, not mine. I am where I am and "it is what it is." Married to someone who has rejected my beliefs and my body has not been an easy adjustment, but there really is no sorting it out. Just because the only man who will ever again see my body naked is the coroner, is a choice that is no longer based upon a poor self-image! I choose to no longer be ashamed of the body my Creator made for me, but to be modest and chaste to bring glory to my Heavenly Father and walk in the anointing He has purposed for me.
My style of modesty has remained about the same now, for nearly 20 years, but I cannot say it's been based purely on spiritual conviction and Scripture. Much of my style, appearance, and behavior has sadly been based more upon my low self-esteem than my true spiritual convictions. This past month, that is changing. Bringing glory and honor to my Heavenly Father should be primary in every decision I make. The world sees my outward appearance and as far as I know, there's no evil to be spoken of in my appearance, but Adonai sees my heart. The truth of the matter is, the motivation behind my dress and behavior needed an upgrade, a serious upgrade!
Slacks and jeans went by the way side in the mid 90s. I'm not teaching a doctrine here, simply stating I felt slacks took away from my femininity. That isn't the case for all women, but it is for me. Then if there is any weight gain or shift, slacks can become "too tight" very quickly, so broom skirts became my style. I began wearing "over blouses," first for more color, then for a feeling of security in regard to my bosom, and upper arm . . . well "over 40 upper arm." I do not believe showing some skin on my arms is a sin, and not all of my over blouses are long sleeved, but they all come close to my elbows. That's the deal though, it's not about covering for modesty, it's about covering my upper arm sag. One could say that reason is vanity. I prefer to think of it as "just good policy." I do not believe a woman must be covered from chin to ankles, as that sounds a lot like a burqa. Frumpy attire and a prudish appearance are not necessary to bring glory to Abba. I don't believe it's a sin to dress attractively; as long as one knows the difference between attractive and provocative . . .
Recently, I got over myself! I may not have a body like Kate Middleton, but I am a princess, nonetheless; and Mr. B's attitude toward me is his issue, not mine. I am where I am and "it is what it is." Married to someone who has rejected my beliefs and my body has not been an easy adjustment, but there really is no sorting it out. Just because the only man who will ever again see my body naked is the coroner, is a choice that is no longer based upon a poor self-image! I choose to no longer be ashamed of the body my Creator made for me, but to be modest and chaste to bring glory to my Heavenly Father and walk in the anointing He has purposed for me.
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Are You Done Talking?
That question ran through me like a knife. I was sitting at the table sobbing over something that I just couldn't come to grips with, when I made the ridiculous mistake of trying to talk to Mr. B about it. In less than five minutes, staring in abject sullen silence, he suddenly blurted out this question. "Are you done talking?" My response was, "Yes." And out the door he went. To my sorrow, as always; it was only a temporary disregarding exit, rather than an actual departure.
In the past two days, it seems our entire relationship has been like a rerun movie playing. Truth of the matter is, if our relationship was a movie, it would have bombed at the box office, or . . . just landed on the editing room floor. I've truly thought for years, I'm living the passage in Hebrews 12 about chastisement being unpleasant for a time . . . I'm beginning to sound to myself, like the children of Israel in Egypt. It may very well be chastisement, as my marital track record was far from stellar. My big problem in this, however; is the humiliation I feel in this trapped obligation in which I reside. This is the first time, I've not been able to just take off and call it quits. I was brought to this land, to this very place, and Mr. B tells me he's here, simply because he has no other place to be, and nothing to do. I certainly can't argue with that! He doesn't cook, he's not into housework, and he quit his job before our first anniversary . . .
I have to confess, however; I may have had pride in thinking this was going to be "happily ever after." I mean, I'd finally "done marriage right," or so I thought. Although I was divorced, and not just once, I didn't have premarital relations, I knew Abba had told me I was the woman for him, and I do believe in the natural flesh that is true, but I failed to enquire before the marriage, if we were soulmates. I would strongly urge anyone contemplating matrimony to be sure and ask about being soulmates before saying, "I do." Eve was Adam's rib, and we all know how that turned out . . . This "woman for him" deal has revealed the sheer horror of who I was in the flesh before becoming a believer. I am so sorry for the pain I caused, good people.
I didn't realize until remembering back on our failed attempt at physical intimacy, that I had pride in that as well. When Abba told me I was the right woman for Mr. B, I told Abba, he'd have to put the desire in me then, because I just didn't have it. There was absolutely NO chemistry! I simply did not find him physically attractive, but I was mature enough to know there is more to a person that physical appearance. Imagine the humiliation when I got to hear, he just didn't find me desirable. So, at least we have that in common . . . Unfortunately, I didn't get to hear that until after the wedding and a honeymoon beyond my worst nightmare. Now, in looking back, by comparison, the honeymoon doesn't seem so bad. At least it came to a conclusion . . .
The fact that we find each other less than desirable was sadly made worse by the fact that for the short time this man remained employed . . . that's another horror story; as he actually told "stories about me" like I was some easy/sleazy one night stand. Knowing his veracity for truth, I doubt they were accurate, but all the worse. Can you imagine taking your husband his "forgotten" lunch to a break room full of men who had been told "stories?" I know this to be the case, because Mr. B told me about telling others . . . To make it more painful, I was a minister in the town, with a very well respected reputation, until . . . Then there was the time, I sat at the dining room table while he drew an illustration about how parts were supposed to "fit." All I can say about that incident was, "Praise be to G-d, all the thoughts bouncing through my brain did not fly out my mouth."
So, as Mr. B. snarled his question the other day, I realized, "Yes indeed, I'm done talking, as matter of fact, when it comes to any level of interacting, I am simply "done." In all fairness to him, I have not spent nearly fourteen years suffering in silence. I spent over three years doing everything I could think of, to get him to want a divorce, but after his surgery and disability, I've tried to keep my comments to a minimum and I've been made painfully aware, my feelings about our situation are irrelevant to his life. I shake my head, shrug my shoulders, and have now resigned myself to, "It is what it is." I've truly been matured to choose to focus on my real priorities in life, and as it turns out, finally . . . my priorities are YHWH, following Messiah, and sharing the reason for the hope that is in me to all who ask. Along with the possibility of chastisement, I'm getting quite the lesson in learning about contentment!
But godliness with contentment is great gain . . . And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.
In the past two days, it seems our entire relationship has been like a rerun movie playing. Truth of the matter is, if our relationship was a movie, it would have bombed at the box office, or . . . just landed on the editing room floor. I've truly thought for years, I'm living the passage in Hebrews 12 about chastisement being unpleasant for a time . . . I'm beginning to sound to myself, like the children of Israel in Egypt. It may very well be chastisement, as my marital track record was far from stellar. My big problem in this, however; is the humiliation I feel in this trapped obligation in which I reside. This is the first time, I've not been able to just take off and call it quits. I was brought to this land, to this very place, and Mr. B tells me he's here, simply because he has no other place to be, and nothing to do. I certainly can't argue with that! He doesn't cook, he's not into housework, and he quit his job before our first anniversary . . .
I have to confess, however; I may have had pride in thinking this was going to be "happily ever after." I mean, I'd finally "done marriage right," or so I thought. Although I was divorced, and not just once, I didn't have premarital relations, I knew Abba had told me I was the woman for him, and I do believe in the natural flesh that is true, but I failed to enquire before the marriage, if we were soulmates. I would strongly urge anyone contemplating matrimony to be sure and ask about being soulmates before saying, "I do." Eve was Adam's rib, and we all know how that turned out . . . This "woman for him" deal has revealed the sheer horror of who I was in the flesh before becoming a believer. I am so sorry for the pain I caused, good people.
I didn't realize until remembering back on our failed attempt at physical intimacy, that I had pride in that as well. When Abba told me I was the right woman for Mr. B, I told Abba, he'd have to put the desire in me then, because I just didn't have it. There was absolutely NO chemistry! I simply did not find him physically attractive, but I was mature enough to know there is more to a person that physical appearance. Imagine the humiliation when I got to hear, he just didn't find me desirable. So, at least we have that in common . . . Unfortunately, I didn't get to hear that until after the wedding and a honeymoon beyond my worst nightmare. Now, in looking back, by comparison, the honeymoon doesn't seem so bad. At least it came to a conclusion . . .
The fact that we find each other less than desirable was sadly made worse by the fact that for the short time this man remained employed . . . that's another horror story; as he actually told "stories about me" like I was some easy/sleazy one night stand. Knowing his veracity for truth, I doubt they were accurate, but all the worse. Can you imagine taking your husband his "forgotten" lunch to a break room full of men who had been told "stories?" I know this to be the case, because Mr. B told me about telling others . . . To make it more painful, I was a minister in the town, with a very well respected reputation, until . . . Then there was the time, I sat at the dining room table while he drew an illustration about how parts were supposed to "fit." All I can say about that incident was, "Praise be to G-d, all the thoughts bouncing through my brain did not fly out my mouth."
So, as Mr. B. snarled his question the other day, I realized, "Yes indeed, I'm done talking, as matter of fact, when it comes to any level of interacting, I am simply "done." In all fairness to him, I have not spent nearly fourteen years suffering in silence. I spent over three years doing everything I could think of, to get him to want a divorce, but after his surgery and disability, I've tried to keep my comments to a minimum and I've been made painfully aware, my feelings about our situation are irrelevant to his life. I shake my head, shrug my shoulders, and have now resigned myself to, "It is what it is." I've truly been matured to choose to focus on my real priorities in life, and as it turns out, finally . . . my priorities are YHWH, following Messiah, and sharing the reason for the hope that is in me to all who ask. Along with the possibility of chastisement, I'm getting quite the lesson in learning about contentment!
But godliness with contentment is great gain . . . And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.
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