"I Love You"

Those three words mean a lot!  Even though we know our Heavenly Father loves us and Y'hshuwah loved us enough to die for us, it's nice to hear the words audibly . . . Written throughout Scripture is definitely reaffirming, but still, we're human and we like to hear another human voice say it and preferably with meaning!  This past week has truly made me appreciate the value of those three words.

For the past several months, I've made a point of saying, "I love you" to people I minister to and with, as well as many I simply speak with.  I truly do love people, well some I have to try to love, but for the most part I do love people.  I'm just a bit awkward, introverted, and stoic, which probably comes across as socially inept, but . . . nobody sees me sweat.  This past week, however; has been a real eye opener in the value of love and hearing the words.  Love isn't just a word, it also involves action, and now this princess has to put her words into action!

My dear, Sweet Aunt Nina has died.  Not only am I really not ready for this, but years ago she asked me to officiate her funeral.  We were all in good health, at the time, so of course, no problem, but now . . . the funeral is imminent.  I am really trying to work through all my thoughts and words, as I choose just the right things to say in her memory.   She was an encourager, extraordinaire, and at every parting, she always said, "I love you."  So, rather than see her in the casket, as I prepare for her funeral, I'm seeing her in the background, telling me "You can do this!  I love you."  No, I'm not committing any necromancy and I have prayed for strength and asked others to pray for me, but it's truly who she was and I want to keep that image of her, especially as I prepare for a tribute to her.

At this time, I continue to push the thought out of my mind, that I won't hear that upbeat, slightly sassy voice again, in this life.  Her laugh was uniquely recognizable and her style was her own.  She was a confident woman, a strong willed woman, and stoic to the nth degree, yet somehow demonstrated a gentle encouragement with those around her.  She shared rather than drive or push.  I never in my life, heard her say to anyone, "You can't do that!"  That's not about morality, but about accomplishment!  She encouraged everyone.  

She "surrounded" her statement of "I love you" with encouragement, laughter, and sometimes a little too much stoicism to hide her own pain.  At times, something I've said or a certain mannerism has been compared to her, and I cherish those compliments more than I can say, so . . . to put action to my words of telling her "I love you," it's time for me to officiate the funeral she asked for.  She said no tears . . . I'll do my best to encourage all of us to remember her words of encouragement, and prayerfully put on a bit too much stoicism to hide my own sadness to fulfill her request.  I'm so thankful to have had two conversations with her last week, and both of them ended with those words to each other.

Nobody said "I love you" like Sweet Aunt Nina.      

Better Choices

Mr. B doesn't like to talk to me.  Oh, he'll tell me old stories, like when he was growing up, and all about "the can plant" and a few Snorkel memories, but that's all!  We don't discuss and sadly we don't share happy memories.  The good times I have, don't involve him, per his choice and there's no indication he's enjoyed himself since the turn of this century.  I'll be honest here, I spent some time blaming him, and probably even more time doubting that I'd heard G-d at all regarding this marriage, but then it dawned on me.  Every moment that I spend thinking about the last 13 years . . . sigh; and every complaint I state about the last 13, and every doubt I ponder, is time I can't get back.

I can't change what happened 13 years ago, but I can sure stop dwelling on the doubt and the disappointment.  So many promises were broken and so many statements made that there simply is no desire to reconcile our situation or relationship, but we can choose to not invest time poorly.  I can't make someone love me or share my joy in Adonai, but no one can take my joy.  I can choose, however; to lose my joy . . . or not.  At the end of the day, week, month, or year, all I can do is determine if I did what I should have done, regardless of what was returned.  Truth be told, I really like the space this relationship affords me.  As I've shut up and stopped trying to analyze it, I've discovered I'm actually not interested in changing the way things are between us.  This is as close to having my cake and eating it too, as anyone could have!

The only power over choice I have is power over the choices I make.  Choice is a sore spot for me because before I married Mr. B, he was talking about making a decision of some kind, and I piped up encouragingly and proclaimed, "I'm all about choice!"  In the last few days I have come to realize, even though there are some serious no-choices in my life, I can still choose what I think about and where I invest my energy.  So many wonderful opportunities await, if we don't choose to spend our energy unwisely.  Interestingly, as I was writing this another situation arose that has brought the same insight.

I'm suddenly and sadly aware that my attempt to obey the fifth commandment has extracted much unproductive energy.  Some things simply will not change and of course the past cannot be undone or redone.  I'm getting a lot of practice now at making sure what bounces through my head doesn't come flying out my mouth.  I already have to repent for the thoughts I entertain, I don't want to have to repent for words that should remain unspoken!

It really is simple when I break it down incrementally.  The energy spent to engage in an unproductive conversation is spent, never to be regained.  Unproductive conversations usually have one of two outcomes.  Thoughts that are unsaid can mulled over, and replayed, which is more wasted energy ruminating; or something regrettable is said, and that is sin.  Not only wasted energy on a dead-end conversation, but sin, which is never energy well spent.  Then add the time it takes to seek forgiveness of Abba and the additional energy it takes to apologize to the person.

I am still all about choice and I am choosing to spend less energy on things that are counterproductive and that usually involves words, but then Scripture already says that . . . repeatedly.  None of us chose our parents and whether we are married or single, in good relationships or bad, we can choose how we react and how we spend our energy.

In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.  a Proverb of Holy Scripture