Regrets and Ripples

Several folks have seemed rather contemplative this season and many downright disappointed in some aspects of their lives.  I'm no exception.  Most of us have made some decisions before we were in Covenant with our Heavenly Father, and those consequences can be long lasting.  I have several regrets, and although I know I've been forgiven, the ripple of those regrets continue to surround my life, on occasion.

I must interject this, however; the ripples of regret no longer actively revolve around my life, but there are occasional reminders.  On a brighter note, even some of my less than good choices, have not all resulted in ripples of regret.  We might as well face it, very few of us have a pure testimony.  Mine is far from stellar, but at 36 my life changed, and it's never been the same.  Sadly, I've still made mistakes with regrets, while there are those who would continue to remind me and others of my ancient history.  My ancient history compared to the life I live now, is absolute proof of the power of YHWH to change a life.  I certainly didn't earn His love, but I am so grateful for His grace and mercy.

The life I now live and the stand I have taken has resulted in a great deal of rejection, but in reality, I wasn't ever that popular or well received, anyway . . . As I've considered this blog, I realized I was already failing in mainstream and certainly with relationships, long before I was rejected for my relationship with YHWH and lifestyle of following Messiah.  Apparently, when one is chosen, even before they realize it, mainstream just doesn't flow well for them.  A child of YHWH simply doesn't fit into mainstream society, and I think the choices they make outside of His will can be even more devastating than those who are not of Him.  Abraham's choice comes to mind frequently.   Getting outside of the plan when one is called of YHWH can have long lasting dire consequences.

Probably what is the most difficult for all of us who have come to the place of confessing our sins and regrets to our Creator, is the difficulty in watching others make the same choices or worse.  We want to save them the heartache we've had, but we have to realize, not everyone is called or chosen and we can't save anyone . . .  We can preach The Word, share a testimony and we can certainly pray, but hearing and applying is up to them.

I'm even sorting through what I believe about predestination and what that means as our lives move from our own path to His.  Some of the regrets and ripples were simply never meant to be a part of our life, and therefore when we do step into His perfect Will, we'll have to let go of some things and some people, or more often than not . . . they'll let go of us.  In becoming a new creation, this can cover relationship, careers, even geographical location.  Messiah said we must be willing to give up everything to follow Him.  Today, I realize, that also means giving up regrets . . .

Strength in Love

This is a struggle in my life.  As I observed the crowd following my Aunt's funeral I realized, even with the marital track record of Liz Taylor, I was once again alone.  The last family gathering in which I was accompanied by a spouse was in the 70's!  Our family is a hugging, say "I love you" bunch . . . well that side of the family is, and it is strengthening.  Although my Aunt's death was sad, all the phone calls back and forth always ended with, "I love you."  Unless my kids or grandkids visit, "I love you" isn't said in my home, except in my prayer closet.  Sometimes I tell the critters "I love them," but that's a different deal; although they do respond.

As the phone calls were exchanged, I had talked to cousins and Daddy, and although my cousins and I always verbalized "I love you," Daddy and I don't, except I did in one of the calls, and the silence on the other end was deafening . . . I know he loves me, but he doesn't say it; and verbalizing it wouldn't even be considered on my mom's side of the family.  Daddy's no spring chicken any more, well I'm not either, so it seems even more important.  I was so thankful to be able to recall two conversations with my Aunt the week before her funeral, and both times, as sick as she was, she ended the call with "I love you."  My last words to her, were those same three.  That is a dear and precious fact that I cherish.  Love is strengthening and to hear those words, priceless.  To speak those words, has become a part of my mission in life.

I still remember the day I realized Mr. B didn't love me as a wife.  It wasn't so much a realization, as his verbalization of such.  He doesn't want me, he no longer shares my beliefs, but he doesn't want a divorce, so it's simply loveless.  I could say I'm trapped, but that's not really the case, as I'm free to love others and say that frequently.  I'm not talking about dating!  I've already got a loveless situation, adultery certainly wouldn't improve the circumstances.  I'm free to just love, seriously without expectation, and without physical inference.  I'm a very friendly introvert and this loveless marriage is a protection, even if it's not preferred or the norm . . .

I have a husband who doesn't desire me as a wife, a mother who struggles in dealing with me, and a father who doesn't respond verbally to his daughter who said, "I love you," but Daddy shows his love in other ways, and accepting that is how I show my love for him.  Not everyone shows their love in the same way, and some folks simply don't seem to show love to others at all.  I've learned through the years, those people are to be pitied.  To be loving means we are called to love those who don't love us back.  To love others means we try to demonstrate our love for them in the way they feel loved.  Some folks like quality time, some quality words, while others enjoy knowing you cared enough to remember something special that was shared between the two of you.

I'm not really sure how I best receive love, but I do know I want everyone who crosses my path to know they are loved by our Creator and me.   I love to hear the words, "I love you," when they are genuine, and I guess I count them genuine, when I realize there is action with the words.

Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of Elohim; and every one that loveth is born of Elohim, and knoweth Elohim.  I John 4:7

Focus

It's been a tough week spiritually . . . growing pains.  I shared a word recently about being content, with Scripture reference from I Timothy and Hebrews.  Wouldn't you know it, I'm content in what I have, materially, well actually, I could have less and be just fine, but I found myself wandering through the archives of my emotional disappointments.  There are a few areas of my life that just didn't turn out as I'd hoped, and yet they are as good as they can be under the circumstances.  Most of the time, I maintain my contentedness in Messiah, by focusing on the goodness of YHWH, and that is amazing!  His goodness is beyond what we can even give thanks for . . .
                                
What I have realized, were words out of my own mouth.  Focusing on disappointment or being discontent actually robs us of present contentment and worse, being used of Abba.  When I'm in my bad place of archived disappointment, I'm really ineffective in the "here and now," and certainly for the Kingdom.  I've also discovered a situation that is unpleasant, yet I choose to be drawn in.  How ridiculous is that?  This soul searching business on my own, is a poor use of time and energy.  That's exactly what I said as I was speaking!  As it turns out, I've been given the opportunity to prove that again in my own life.  It wasn't until I was writing this article that I realized something in me that really needs to GO!  I still choose self-deprecation in personal introspection.  I'm not perfect, but I do too much repeated self-blaming and the cost is simply too high.

The past is truly the past and it's been forgiven and forgotten by my Heavenly Father.  Who do I think I am to bring it back up?  As for the failures, yes, I have failed.  The only way to avoid failure is to never attempt anything!  There are things in my life that I cannot fix, change, or make go away.  That is a simple fact.  Another simple fact is, my failure rate has markedly decreased since following Messiah.  With that knowledge, there is no reason for those things to control any of my focus or require any of my time and energy.  Some might say the enemy was attacking me for speaking the other day, but I don't think so.  The enemy is something I do not choose to give time or focus.  Yes there are demons and there is an adversary, but he's been defeated.  I know Ephesians speaks of a spiritual battle, but this particular battle still lies within me to make a choice, and I have!  Now, with that choice must come disciplined application!

This difficult week has produced some growth in that, when these failures do come to mind, I simply give thanks that they are indeed behind me and I've been given grace to walk on through.  Even when my testimony didn't turn out as I was expecting, Abba will still bring beauty from ashes.

To proclaim the acceptable year of YHWH, and the day of vengeance of our Elohim; to comfort all that mourn;  To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of YHWH, that he might be glorified.  Isaiah 61:2-3.

Replace Rather Than Repair

As life is moving forward, and the calamity of last week's Sabbath has abated, rather than repair the deck, it will be replaced.  The flooring itself may have had a couple more good years in it, but the gate is a complete goner and the railings are wobbly.  Mr. B and I had already discussed calling a guy we knew for an estimate, but somehow that just never came to fruition.  The goats provided the motivation to get serious about replacing the deck, but for some reason I just couldn't get around to calling the guy.

I designed the first deck and it was a homemade project.  It held up well through a move and being resized for the addition, but enough is enough.  The idea of more pedestrian traffic here in the Land of Goshen brought the realization, there is just no need to repair a deck that I already know will need to be replaced in two years.  I'm getting practical like that . . .

I've become intensely aware of Abba directing my steps to blessings, through what first appears to be an inconvenience or problem.  As we were coming home from town last week, we noticed someone building a deck.  Since there was a large equipment truck, we assumed the builder was a contractor and turned around to talk to him.  Sure enough, he was a contractor, gave us his card and said he'd be glad to give us a bid.  We called him that evening and the other guy that I'd been stalling about calling and both said they'd be here Monday to size up the project.

Both men called Monday for directions to the place, but only one showed up that day.  He looked it over, said he'd get back to us and by that evening we had a bid, and not a bad price at all!  Wednesday was a town day, and as we were coming home, the guy that was a no show, Monday, was coming down the lane.  He'd finally gotten around to dropping in to bid the job.  He did that without anyone being home.  It then dawned on me, from our previous dealings, why I'd not been too anxious to call him.  When he called with his bid, it was nearly double the price of the first bid!  I simply told him we'd talk it over.

The crew has been contracted to rebuild!  Then I did the ultimate woman thing on them.  They came to get started and I asked about making it larger . . . As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I realized for the first time in my life, I sounded like my mother.  My entire life, when she sees someone working, my Daddy or myself, she invariably steps in to tweak.  By nature, I'm not a tweaker, but the idea just hit me that this deck could be larger than first estimated.  The men lit up and said, "No problem!  Now's the time!"  They got out the tape measures and went from there.  I knew the best plan would be an additional 8 feet as that would eliminate sawing every board and minimize waste.  They went to their truck to confer and refigure, came out and presented the increased cost.  It was wonderful!  Done deal!

As they were leaving, ready to start first thing Monday morning, I remembered the very nice drawing he'd already done for the original bid.  I thought of my mother and her ever changing tweaking, so I asked them if there was something we needed to sign.  They said they'd do right by me, to which I responded, I know that, I thought you might like my signature to ensure there are no more changes . . .  They smiled and said, "See you tomorrow."

YHWH willing the former amateur 8' X 12' design will be replaced with a brand new professional 10' X 28' deck.

More Reality

I had to take a break from Loosed Woman for a bit.  Reality was beginning to stack up to a looming height, but then I heard, "Come to the Rock that is higher . . ."   From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2   which was then confirmed by Psalm 27:5  For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion: in the secret of His tabernacle shall He hide me; He shall set me up upon a rock.

The truth of my past is painful.  I became a teen aged mother in the mid seventies.  Abortion was an option I did not choose.  Sadly, I didn't realize giving birth is not the same thing as "choosing life."  I love my kids, I love my grandkids, but in my ignorance, I didn't raise them in the admonition of YHWH.  I came to the Truth and entered a covenant walk with our Creator just a few weeks before my youngest turned 18.  My time of being under conviction before surrendering to Abba, truly rocked my household, and I can't change that fact.  I was a young mother and my only goal was to not raise my kids the way I'd been raised.  That's not a goal, that's just a different wrong direction.

To aim to "not" do something is not aiming.  That doesn't work in anything in life.  Imagine taking a trip and the only plan is "not north."  There is no map, no destination, just "not north."  I guess a few folks may enjoy the scenery and even delight in the destination, but that would be purely happenstance, or . . . mercy.  Imagine any other project from hunting to cooking, with the designated outcome aimed at what you don't want.  In retrospect, it's so easy to see now.

I listen to one daughter who is proud and accomplished, whom I adopted after her formative years, which appears to have definitely been to her advantage.  I heard from my birth daughter, who makes it a point to remind me just how much she disregards anything I hold important.  How sad, that she's nearly 40 and still aiming for "not her mother's values."  Thankfully, by that age, I had True direction, Abba's direction.  Following Messiah is the only solution away from each generation attempting to "not do what the last one did."

I can't help but wonder sometimes just how far away Hagar and Ishmael went, and if Abraham was able to enjoy any of his grandchildren by Ishmael.  I still remember the day I heard, "Ishmael," in regard to my own particular situation.  The promise of Abraham is so exciting and we all embrace that with our own perspective . . . but we don't really consider the cost of his obedience to receive that promise.  Faith means one steps out on the Word of YHWH without seeing the results.  Faith involves action.  Abba had been so patient and merciful with me, and yet there came a day, I had to let go.

As I read the number of heart wrenching letters, posts, and comments from parents who are given "pat answers" and told to pray, my heart just breaks.  When we pray "Thy will be done," sometimes we have to accept that everything we hold dear is not His will for our lives.  Even though we are told to pray without ceasing, sometimes, we are told it's time to pray for something else.  I had a Bible, I was talked out of the truth as a teen by religious leaders.  I'm not blaming them, I'm just stating the facts.  I've heard two very stern words recently regarding some of my relationships in the natural.  These words have been confirmed.  When I think of Messiah in the Garden of Gethsemane as he prayed, "if it be possible, let this cup pass . . ." but it wasn't possible.

Our Heavenly Father gave what was most precious to Him to have a relationship with us, and some of us will be called to do the same.

No Man

The other morning, as I was doing chores, the thought occurred to me that Y'hshuwah is the only man in the world who wants me!  At least, He's the only one who knows me that wants me.  The fact that He chose me, brings a smile to my heart, every time I think of it.  My life is pretty special, but it's not everyone's cup of tea.  I would have loved to share this with an earthly soulmate, but that doesn't appear to be Abba's plan for me.  I still believe there will be a gathering here, but it will be more of a family/team situation . . .



I truly no longer expect some man to love me, see this vision, and embrace the whole package.  I'm no Ruth and I'm not looking for a Boaz.  Truthfully, I was hoping for that at one time; but my priorities have changed, as has my perspective of this ministry to which I'm called.  Although I do not consider myself old, I'm aware of the fact my "beauty" must come from my spirit.  I tend to make self-deprecating jokes about my physical form, but I know I'm special, in an outside of mainstream sort of way.  I'm not one of those proponents of self-love, self-esteem, self . .  self . . . self, but I do appreciate the woman, our Creator has made me to be.

My ex-husband saw some of this in me years ago, but I wasn't yet walking with Messiah.  By the time I surrendered my life to YHWH, it was too late to save the marriage.  I see photos every once in awhile of him with his wife and our grandchildren and I'm glad he's happy.  I'm glad I didn't insist upon legalism.  Sometimes people can be great folk, but just not a great couple, especially when they aren't following Messiah when they get together.  That was the case for us.  We hadn't been divorced very long, when his life became established as it is currently and I heard YHWH's specifics for this ministry.  It was still some time of learning and growing for me before Abba brought me to the place I am now.  I'm still learning . . . it will be a lifetime of learning.  Simplicity still involves a great deal of learning, primarily because I'm relearning what our society abandoned in the name of progress.

Living a life of simplicity is busy, but not stressful.   Working the land is certainly no desk job, yet the accomplishment at the end of each day makes for a good night's sleep.  I don't have trouble falling asleep.  Abba awakens me in the night for sweet communion and prayer.  I snuggle back into my upright futon and sleep until I awake, refreshed.  There's no need for an alarm, as the roosters crow just before dawn.  I love the herd in my care, and the flocks are quite enjoyable.  One of my dogs actually does speak.  I truly love canning and preserving healthy food.  When I read in social media about donuts and baked goods, I'm thankful that is not an area of temptation for me.  Even living on garden produce, raw milk, and free range chicken, I'm far from petite.

Don't even get me started talking about natural health.  Our Creator made so many amazing things for us!  I love being earthy and natural, based upon Biblical truth.  Natural formulas are not mainstream chemistry, but chemistry, none the less.

The absolute best thing about my not so average life, is knowing I am a daughter the King of the universe.  My bridegroom loves me with an everlasting, unfailing love.

YHWH has appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.  Jeremiah 31:3