Unexpected, but So Appreciated

A new understanding has emerged into my awareness.  I realized some time back that all of my energy was not being well spent.  There are some things in my life that are just not going to get better, and that's all right.  I quit wasting positive energy on those some time back.  I was, however; falling into some negative ditches once in awhile, when the reality reared it's ugly head, but even that is has fallen back into the archives of recent history.  When a negative attitude of failure begins to furrow my brow, I truly take the time to choose to think of something else.  Sadly, most of my failure is in the area of relationships, and a negative self-image; and as I type this, I'm guessing those two are somehow interrelated.

Even as I typed the paragraph, old disappointments knocked, but I literally chose to think on the list of Philippians 4:8, specifically the two individuals who brightened the already good day I was enjoying, with their unexpected comments.  So, on to the good stuff, now!

I've been ministering between services in a church not far from here.  I've known many of the congregants for some time.  Abba laid it on my heart that Sabbath is of course still standing, but He enjoys praise and worship any and every day, so . . . rather than rent a conference room or building, I've been worshipping at a local church, then stay all afternoon and fellowship in the evening when they return for the evening service.  I've been blessed and many of the people say they've noticed a change, and it's a good one!  When I first mentioned it to the Pastor, I told him I am a 7th day Sabbath keeper, so come the first day of the week, I'm all rested up and ready to hit the ground running!

Of course, serving Abba in a greater outreach has definitely been a blessing to me.  Sunday evening a dear young man gave his testimony.  I had no idea until he spoke that he and his family had only recently began to attend.  As it turns out, their first Sunday was mine also, so they and I had no idea we were all new.  Their family is just precious.  The baby smiles or sleeps and the older children are polite, well behaved, and friendly.  After his testimony, I went up to encourage and hug 'em all, when he said, "I was talking to my wife about you this afternoon."  He continued, "I told her, that little dark woman with the long hair, she's really special!"  Then he said to me, "You come all prayed up and ready, I appreciate that."

What a precious statement to hear.  Not so many in the generation that we boomers raised are that kind.  Then, for just a moment, I had to enjoy the fact that someone called me "little" and had actually used the word "special" in a flattering way.  One other time, I thought someone said special in a good way, but it turned out to be not so special at all . . . I'm so thankful to have the energy and use my energy to pray.  I've also realized this week as his words blessed through my head on more than one occasion, that "Being prayed up" has more to do with giving praise, thanks, listening, and obeying than it does to list the needs.

Now as if that wasn't enough, I stopped at the store yesterday, and there was a young woman, probably all of 30 who when we had exchanged pleasantries, stopped what she was doing for just a quick few seconds and said, "You have the most beautiful eyes."  Here I am, clearly at least a generation or two beyond her.  For a moment I felt glamorous, like an "old movie star."

I stopped letting feelings of failure take up space in my head.  The eviction wasn't quick, but the results have been amazing!  Most of the feelings of failure, as I said revolved around relationships and self image.  When I changed my thinking, I realized I can still care about the people, while giving up on the failed relationships.  It was amazing!  It's made so much more room in my heart and head for love and joy and the peace of acceptance.  And now this week, I've learned it actually shows in my countenance.

Better Choices

Mr. B doesn't like to talk to me.  Oh, he'll tell me old stories, like when he was growing up, and all about "the can plant" and a few Snorkel memories, but that's all!  We don't discuss and sadly we don't share happy memories.  The good times I have, don't involve him, per his choice and there's no indication he's enjoyed himself since the turn of this century.  I'll be honest here, I spent some time blaming him, and probably even more time doubting that I'd heard G-d at all regarding this marriage, but then it dawned on me.  Every moment that I spend thinking about the last 13 years . . . sigh; and every complaint I state about the last 13, and every doubt I ponder, is time I can't get back.

I can't change what happened 13 years ago, but I can sure stop dwelling on the doubt and the disappointment.  So many promises were broken and so many statements made that there simply is no desire to reconcile our situation or relationship, but we can choose to not invest time poorly.  I can't make someone love me or share my joy in Adonai, but no one can take my joy.  I can choose, however; to lose my joy . . . or not.  At the end of the day, week, month, or year, all I can do is determine if I did what I should have done, regardless of what was returned.  Truth be told, I really like the space this relationship affords me.  As I've shut up and stopped trying to analyze it, I've discovered I'm actually not interested in changing the way things are between us.  This is as close to having my cake and eating it too, as anyone could have!

The only power over choice I have is power over the choices I make.  Choice is a sore spot for me because before I married Mr. B, he was talking about making a decision of some kind, and I piped up encouragingly and proclaimed, "I'm all about choice!"  In the last few days I have come to realize, even though there are some serious no-choices in my life, I can still choose what I think about and where I invest my energy.  So many wonderful opportunities await, if we don't choose to spend our energy unwisely.  Interestingly, as I was writing this another situation arose that has brought the same insight.

I'm suddenly and sadly aware that my attempt to obey the fifth commandment has extracted much unproductive energy.  Some things simply will not change and of course the past cannot be undone or redone.  I'm getting a lot of practice now at making sure what bounces through my head doesn't come flying out my mouth.  I already have to repent for the thoughts I entertain, I don't want to have to repent for words that should remain unspoken!

It really is simple when I break it down incrementally.  The energy spent to engage in an unproductive conversation is spent, never to be regained.  Unproductive conversations usually have one of two outcomes.  Thoughts that are unsaid can mulled over, and replayed, which is more wasted energy ruminating; or something regrettable is said, and that is sin.  Not only wasted energy on a dead-end conversation, but sin, which is never energy well spent.  Then add the time it takes to seek forgiveness of Abba and the additional energy it takes to apologize to the person.

I am still all about choice and I am choosing to spend less energy on things that are counterproductive and that usually involves words, but then Scripture already says that . . . repeatedly.  None of us chose our parents and whether we are married or single, in good relationships or bad, we can choose how we react and how we spend our energy.

In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.  a Proverb of Holy Scripture