Thursday, July 30, 2015

Releasing Regrets

The past few weeks have been truly amazing and special, as I've shared here; but with all the special blessings, have also come a time also of past regrets.  I'm not talking about others, but about my own failure and the regrets and disappointments that have sort of lurked in the shadows.  Most of my regrets took place before I was walking in covenant and following my King.  I am forgiven, but obviously, can not go back in time and change them.  All I can do is move forward, and I have.  Interestingly, these past few weeks have brought me to a place of actually releasing the regrets.

In all these years, I really didn't know how to do that.  I didn't know how to stop remembering something stupid or wrong I'd done . . . I figured everyone had regrets and probably everyone handles them in their own way, but I needed a better way.  I was truly tired of regretting so many failed relationships, in which there is no reparation.  Even without the option of going back in time, most of these failed relationships could not be rectified in future settings either, and that's where the reality of release began . . . Carrying regrets does two things.  It weighs us down and prevents us from rising to the full potential Abba has for us and it sets us up to live with blame in new relationships.

First, I cannot reconcile any previous marriage, as that is forbidden in Torah, so to continue to regret my failure, is time and energy squandered.  The only way to view those now, is to hope and pray those men are happy and have a relationship with our Heavenly Father.  I know some of them have moved on to other relationships and I hope those women do not have to "pay" for any hurt I caused the men.  I know I've "payed" for someone else's old baggage and I would not wish that on an enemy.  It could be the old baggage I've been dealt; was the consequences and comeuppance of my past behavior.

There is a meme that circulates social media regularly that sums life up rather well.  I'll include the quote here, with the credited author.

“We are free to choose our actions, . . . but we are not free to choose the consequences of these actions.”
                                                                                         ― Stephen R. Covey

Life does include consequences and most of us in our forties and fifties realize, what we thought were great ideas in our teens and twenties, have not all proven to be so great!  I don't mean to generalize or be vague, but I don't know of too many folks who didn't make at least one or two regrettable choices.  I have more than a few, but the reality is, I've had far fewer since walking with Messiah, and there's no reason to spend any more of the time I have left on regrets, I can't change, and our Heavenly Father doesn't even remember.  Isn't that so amazing about an all knowing Creator.  He is so awesome, He can choose to forget something!  In just trying to imagine His vastness, and attempting to wrap my mind and heart around His love, there is just little room for regrets.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Unexpected, but So Appreciated

A new understanding has emerged into my awareness.  I realized some time back that all of my energy was not being well spent.  There are some things in my life that are just not going to get better, and that's all right.  I quit wasting positive energy on those some time back.  I was, however; falling into some negative ditches once in awhile, when the reality reared it's ugly head, but even that is has fallen back into the archives of recent history.  When a negative attitude of failure begins to furrow my brow, I truly take the time to choose to think of something else.  Sadly, most of my failure is in the area of relationships, and a negative self-image; and as I type this, I'm guessing those two are somehow interrelated.

Even as I typed the paragraph, old disappointments knocked, but I literally chose to think on the list of Philippians 4:8, specifically the two individuals who brightened the already good day I was enjoying, with their unexpected comments.  So, on to the good stuff, now!

I've been ministering between services in a church not far from here.  I've known many of the congregants for some time.  Abba laid it on my heart that Sabbath is of course still standing, but He enjoys praise and worship any and every day, so . . . rather than rent a conference room or building, I've been worshipping at a local church, then stay all afternoon and fellowship in the evening when they return for the evening service.  I've been blessed and many of the people say they've noticed a change, and it's a good one!  When I first mentioned it to the Pastor, I told him I am a 7th day Sabbath keeper, so come the first day of the week, I'm all rested up and ready to hit the ground running!

Of course, serving Abba in a greater outreach has definitely been a blessing to me.  Sunday evening a dear young man gave his testimony.  I had no idea until he spoke that he and his family had only recently began to attend.  As it turns out, their first Sunday was mine also, so they and I had no idea we were all new.  Their family is just precious.  The baby smiles or sleeps and the older children are polite, well behaved, and friendly.  After his testimony, I went up to encourage and hug 'em all, when he said, "I was talking to my wife about you this afternoon."  He continued, "I told her, that little dark woman with the long hair, she's really special!"  Then he said to me, "You come all prayed up and ready, I appreciate that."

What a precious statement to hear.  Not so many in the generation that we boomers raised are that kind.  Then, for just a moment, I had to enjoy the fact that someone called me "little" and had actually used the word "special" in a flattering way.  One other time, I thought someone said special in a good way, but it turned out to be not so special at all . . . I'm so thankful to have the energy and use my energy to pray.  I've also realized this week as his words blessed through my head on more than one occasion, that "Being prayed up" has more to do with giving praise, thanks, listening, and obeying than it does to list the needs.

Now as if that wasn't enough, I stopped at the store yesterday, and there was a young woman, probably all of 30 who when we had exchanged pleasantries, stopped what she was doing for just a quick few seconds and said, "You have the most beautiful eyes."  Here I am, clearly at least a generation or two beyond her.  For a moment I felt glamorous, like an "old movie star."

I stopped letting feelings of failure take up space in my head.  The eviction wasn't quick, but the results have been amazing!  Most of the feelings of failure, as I said revolved around relationships and self image.  When I changed my thinking, I realized I can still care about the people, while giving up on the failed relationships.  It was amazing!  It's made so much more room in my heart and head for love and joy and the peace of acceptance.  And now this week, I've learned it actually shows in my countenance.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

The Greatest Compliment

The compliment of all compliments came my way, about me, in front of me the other day.

It was about 3 1/2 months of knowing I needed to be ministering in Oklahoma, that I finally got in the right place.  I wasn't ignoring the call, I was just making it more difficult that it was.  I'm like that, sometimes.  I had no intentions of being disobedient at all!  Every place I went, the door was closed very quickly.  I have matured in that I don't bang on closed doors or brick walls like I used to, but my quest was not a simple one.  Here, I thought I was supposed to make a purchase toward the project, when that was simply not the case.  I have been called, however; to invest heavily in time and energy . . . and much prayer.

So here I am back in a church I'd visited several years ago.  I never joined and I didn't leave on bad terms.  It's simply a fact that Christian churches use the terms "set apart" and "come out from among them," but as a rule have tossed out the Instructions as to how that is to be done.  They felt a leading to go a direction I could not support, and with different celebrations, our paths simply crossed less.  We all stayed on friendly terms and always enjoyed seeing each other.  I've even spoken a few times through the years as a guest, but we all understand there are some significant differences.

When Abba told me to go to this pastor, I wasn't quite sure how it would go, but I showed up for Sunday morning service on Shavu'ot/Pentecost with two loaves of bread.  I told him, "I knew this was the one celebration we all shared and Deuteronomy said I was to bake two loaves of bread and go outside my gate, so here I am."  He smiled and said, "Great!  It's also Memorial Day and the service is more toward country and honoring our veteran members, then when that concludes, I'll turn the service over to you."  Well, I wasn't expecting that!  Clearly Abba had prepared his heart to receive me.

I left that Sunday afternoon, knowing I would contact him about the plan I'd been given.  Abba has led me to share natural remedies, as well as correlate the fact that sin is often the root problem in health, emotions, and finances.  I visited again in June and asked if we could meet to chat about an idea YHWH had given me.  He seemed a bit evasive, so I wasn't sure if he was truly that busy or just trying to kindly dismiss me.  As it turns out, he's truly been that busy . . .  I attended a couple more Sunday morning services, being asked to pray or speak, every time . . . So I realized my old weakness of being rejected and unwanted was unfounded.  It was time to take the bull by the horns and move forward.

I caught the pastor in his office that morning and told him, I was still wanting to talk to him and he began again with just how stretched his schedule was, when I simply said, "we're both here now and this won't take long."  I presented to him, my situation of being led to Oklahoma to share spiritually based health and I wanted to "rent" the church on Sunday afternoon between services for the same price I would have to pay to rent a conference room.  I asked him if he'd pray and think about it and he said, "No need, he had already been asking for something like this."  He did add that I did not need to pay for using the building, but in my heart it only seems right.

So, this past Sunday morning, it was announced that I would be there all afternoon.  The pastor then proceeded to share with the congregation that he wanted to tell them a couple of things about me.  He said, "When this woman prays, G-d hears, and results happen.  And another thing . . . anything you tell her stays between you, her, and G-d."

What humbling comments to hear.  I couldn't imagine a better compliment!

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Royal Purpose

This week began beautifully!  There is so much opportunity set before me, as well as a warning of what to avoid, accompanied by both positive and negative confirmation!  Our Heavenly Father is so good.  He truly does want us to achieve His purpose in our lives and live in His plan.

Years ago I made a drastic mistake.  After marrying Mr. B, and he seemed genuinely interested in spiritual matters for a time, I asked Abba if I could wait for him.  Within a year and a half, I realized I had indeed receive an affirmative answer to that prayer.  I tried to be patient for a time, and then I began to seriously fear for my own soul.  This man had no intentions of serving YHWH or building a life with me.  It was no longer a matter of patience, it was a matter of my spiritual life.  When I realized waiting on someone who refused to go forward, would actually result in going backward; I repented with horribly bitter tears.  I've remembered often Mr. B's words before we married, as we were discussing the plans.  He simply stated, "If we don't move forward, we'll start going backward."   Thirteen years later, I can attest, truer words were never spoken.  Now, here's the wild part.  Since I repented, the waiting has ended . . .

I've had some advice, of course, from the uber Gothard religious types who choose to believe a woman should actually lose her salvation over a man, but I stand on Torah and will not be moved.  Mr. B knew my call and my vow before he ever signed on and said nothing against it the day he heard.  According to Numbers 30, the window of opportunity for him to nullify my vow, closed years ago!  That means, I'd be a disobedient rebellious fool to, now; disregard my vow.  I am moving forward and so excited about it.  I've even opened my heart to other opportunities if YHWH presents them, but at this time, my plate is full.  "Equally yoked" is not limited to marriage at all, but in working together for the kingdom!  Now, on to my purpose.

It's occurred to me, that although I don't believe what mainstream Christianity teaches regarding the rejection of Torah and the Messiah's name, I do know when people are searching for spiritual truth, many go to church.  I don't need to drop out of church to live by my beliefs at all!  As a matter of fact, Abba has opened a door in a church and I'm so excited.  Religious spirits are running rampant through the church, as well as social media fellowship.  We need deliverance and we need to offer deliverance.  A note of caution here, be careful in "unfriending and blocking" and how that may translate to unforgiveness in our own life.  I'm not sure exactly where that line is, myself, so I'm just offering the note of caution.

Then there is also the fact that, like it or not, regardless of the social teaching, our mainstream medical treatments are rooted in what Scripture has translated to be "sorcery."  The Greek word pharmakeia is obviously the root of our term pharmaceutical.  In Galatians, that term was translated to witchcraft and in the Revelation, sorcery or sorcerer for the practice there of.  As many are griping about Obamacare, and knowing these are the end of days, it's time to come out from among the practices of the heathen.  It's truly time for the children of the King to stop living as fearful peasants.  

The Bible is historic, of course, but it's not a history book, it is Living Word and our true purpose as Bible believing followers of Messiah is to live the Word!

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Living Large and Loving It

For over 50 years, I felt bad about my appearance and size.  While I'm shaking my head and furrowing my brow at all this trans mess confusion, asking why they can't just appreciate their body as they were created, it hit me between the eyes.  Now mine isn't so severe as to dislike my gender, I'm glad I'm a girl, but I spent a lifetime hating my body, and that is also wrong.  Don't get me wrong, my body is far from perfect, but I was simply not created to be a size 4.  I did that sort of, one time in my life and caused myself serious harm.  Actually, only my skirt was a size 4, my blouses and blazers were still size 16.  I have to be very self-abusive to be what is considered thin in this society.  The flip side to the self-abuse though, is the constant remarks I hear from family and the lack of interest shown to me by Mr. B.  I'm not the image of obesity.  As a matter of fact, I get compliments from strangers, regularly, but like an idiot, I placed more value on the negative comments and treatment from family, then adopted that for my own perspective.  I should have allowed myself to be influenced by "the kindness of strangers."  I'm about to get personal here.

My skirts and leggings are less than plus size.  Depending upon the article of clothing, I am about a 14-16 or in generic sizing: large.  My tops on the other hand, are usually 2X and they do not appear to be oversized at all!  I do have to double cuff the long sleeved blouses though, as my upper body girth does exceed my upper body length.  I'm between 5'7" and 5'8" and finally, after developing a complex at 3 1/2 years of age, I have been delivered and gained victory!  HalleluYah!  This blog has done a lot in letting me see my feelings in writing, and how ridiculous some of my self-perception has been.  There have been times in my past, I seriously considered surgical alteration of my body.  It's like I wasted my best looking years feeling ugly and now that I'm long past 50, I'm feeling just pretty good about my appearance, at this age.

The natural health and beauty products I make really do keep my skin looking young.  Enjoying my time outdoors keeps my skin tone vibrantly bronzed and my muscles in pretty good tone.  I'm not as active as I could be, but homesteading does involve more physical activity than city living, for sure.  I received Abba's Word back in 2012, after a horrendous experience, the promises of the 103rd Psalm.  It's taken nearly three more years to get to the heart of my problem, and watching the Bruce Jenner headlines, I finally saw.  It's not a matter of being a perfect physical specimen, as a decathlon medal Olympian surely was.  It's about humbly not second guessing our Creator.

A Psalm of David. Bless YHWH, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless His Holy Name.  Bless YHWH, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits:  Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;  Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;  Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.  

It hasn't happened overnight, but you know, I carried that burden for a lot of years.  I have truly noticed although my locks are silver, my face has very few lines and I just continue to become more comfortable in my own skin.  My mom has decided once again to go on yet another diet.  She's played the diet yoyo game my entire life and she offered to share it with me.  My response, for the first time in my life was, "I'm not interested, I eat fresh organic food and I like my body the way it is."  She was clearly not expecting that response!  Actually, I was a bit surprised to hear myself say it, but I believe it!