Monday, March 5, 2018

Comparing and Questioning is Inevitable



This blog topic has been rattling around in my brain for awhile now.  Interestingly, it simply must leave my head today.  Yesterday was the day most married couples celebrate and commemorate the day they said, "I do."  I don't celebrate it, but I don't really make an adverse point of it, either, usually.  Today is sad, in that I no longer have enough emotion about this issue to even feel angst about it, although with the sorrow of "nothingness" I am feeling a bit of regret.  I've never been married so long, and felt so little to celebrate.  When Mr. B stated in regard to the marriage, "he "planned to just ride it out," I felt the last of the angst.  Once I got past that, I gained perspective.  The "bonds of holy matrimony" are much different than the bondage of a marital contract.  One is sharing a life and the other is "serving life."  Does it feel like a sentence?  Absolutely!  But then, I have privilege on good behavior, and unlike prison, when my good behavior is questionable, Mr. B just chooses to not deal with me at all, so either way, win/win!  What I have learned through the years is apathy is regarded as "good behavior" while emotional displays are deemed bad.  The great thing after all these years, is I no long have an emotional investment.  That seems so strange to realize.  Which has brought an interesting line of thinking to the forefront that I used to do my utmost to keep buried or at least on a back burner.

I have a seriously shameful marital track record.  Some of that is based upon poor choices for the altar while a couple of them are just genuinely my fault.  Unlike many divorced people, I do not and cannot say all the men were bad.  Well, a few of them were, but not all.  Three of my ex-husbands were good men, but sadly we were not a good couple.  I didn't think I was a horrible wife, but at the time, do we ever think we are the problem in the situation?  To be honest, I wouldn't go back to any of my previous marriages, because Scripture prohibits returning to an ex-husband if a woman has remarried and divorced again or been widowed.  Yes, marriage after divorce is outlined in Scripture!  Many denominations believe that one should not remarry after divorce and although I don't actually agree with that blanket statement, at this point in life with a string of failures, I can say remarriage after divorce may not be best for everyone.  That's not the point today, though.  A person can remain in a failed marriage while still being productive, but that's when the memories and the comparing may begin . . .

Obviously when a number of years have passed, the good memories are intensified and the bad memories have faded, so another very good point in being obedient to Scripture to not reconcile after another marriage.  I've seen folks remarry after divorce and I'm guessing within a month, both parties remember all the details of what led to the divorce!  I honestly don't know what all my ex-husbands are doing now, but I do believe the good ones are happily married or in quality companionship relationships.  All of my exes were considerably older than I was and as of this morning I'm sitting at 60, so everybody mentioned is on social security and medicare.  The thing is, and I know from my own history, I've never given a longing thought to an ex-husband . . . until this prolonged situation.

Granted, in my younger years when things were difficult, I regrettably called it quits, but in this situation, things became difficult hours after the wedding, and there is no way out now, except death . . . Which makes one's old memories much more vibrant and valuable . . . and oh, how they are!  I'm in no way saying my current husband is a bad man, but he is the one who chose to reject me.  He let me know very early that, as it turned out, he did not desire me as a wife, yet insisted that we not divorce.  I knew his pride was fragile regarding another failed relationship, so I endured, hoping we'd find an quiet, amicable way to go our separate ways, but . . . When his illness and disability came into the picture five years after the marriage, I knew all hope of a divorce was gone, and by that point reconciliation was certainly not a desire on either part.  So, I have gone on all these years, simply as a prop to make him look the way he wants to appear . . .  Although void of companionship or marital intimacy, I've been able to live the life I was called and ordained to live, outside of a marital relationship while still in a marriage.  I don't have to keep trying to do what just isn't attainable.  I live as a single caretaker, who doesn't date.  Given the circumstances, I don't think I'm sinning.

In the early days, my mind wandered at times, to merely recuse myself from whatever potential intimacy might be looming to transpire at the time.  That first lesson came easily on the honeymoon and went on from there.  I may be the only woman whose fantasies actually involve my own absence . . . but in the past 15 years my mind shifted; and in the absence of any attempt at closeness for so many years now, my mind has wandered to the "what ifs" of yesteryear.  Not that I would go back, but just the fact that I did make some good memories with someone!  With those what ifs, has also come the memories of "what was" and what made the good times, probably better than they really were, but some of the good times and good memories were genuinely good.  Thus the rub . . .  I don't dare speak of what I think, therefore, spending much time thinking on these memories is probably not a great idea.

Never, in the history of my relationships, have I ever compared men . . . until now.  People are simply different and we are all different at different points and ages in our lives.  Mr. B gave me some wonderful insight, several years ago, when I was very concerned in my dealings with another individual.  Dealing with this individual was always unstable and certainly lacked trust, but I didn't want to hold a grudge either.  I asked aloud, "I don't want to hold a grudge, but at what point does repeated forgiveness turn into setting yourself up?"  His response was clear.  He said, "If there's no change in behavior, remembering is not a grudge, it's wisdom!"

And so it is, all these years later, there's no grudge, but simple resignation to the fact we share an address.  I am sorry, however; when I think of good times in marriage, those memories have nothing to do with the current situation.  I do have to say, though, unlike the bands above with "the sentence" ALWAYS and FOREVER engraved; my wedding ring set is gorgeous!