Knowing Our Type

We hear all the time about the differences between the sexes, and there are many.  Our Creator made men and women to be different; and even within the two sexes, we are hardly all the same.  Our differences and uniquenesses should be appreciated as a reflection of just how creative our Heavenly Father truly is.  In all these differences, however; there are some very basic similarities.  Like women, men come in all shapes, sizes, and shades.  Also like women, they are so much more than their superficial appearance.  I don't hand out much relationship advice, because I don't have much success in that area of my life, which has led me to a unique circle of influence and opportunity.   I'd like to share a few thoughts in regard to potential relationship success, as well as the reality of why many relationships fail.

People tend to be older now when they marry, and many are already living together, have been in an intimate relationship prior to marriage, or divorced and remarrying.  It seems the divorce rate has dropped, while statistics indicate fewer folks are getting married.  I've made no bones about the fact, my marital and divorce record changes the statistics in any given gathering.   I'm not proud of that fact, but it is a fact.  That's why I've elected to share a few things I wish I'd known before.


First and foremost, people are not necessarily being dishonest when the dating begins.  Some may be, but for the most part a new relationship is exciting and the interest level is simply high.  New couples want to spend time together and want to get to know each other, but once the "getting to know each other" becomes sharing plans and making plans, a comfortable confidence replaces the curiosity and chemistry.  I wish I'd known that years ago.  I'm not a person who desires a great deal of attention and quality time.  I truly think I was afraid that some men would continue to be as attentive as they were dating, if we married.  I definitely appreciate a man who is busy and doesn't need my attention constantly, or insists upon showering me with attention.  I prefer men who maintain their already established priorities, while also including me.  

I fell between the emotional cracks of what I needed.  In my desire to share a busy life with another person who also valued their time alone to accomplish goals, I ended up in more than one marriage with a man who was just looking for a responsible partner that would afford him the right to be absent.  I didn't realize until very recently, that I had really never entered a marriage covenant expecting to build a life together.  I've always, always married men who were sure the right woman, me; would make a wonderful marriage.  Half of a couple cannot make that happen.

I've been asked more than a few times recently about my situation and lack of interaction with a spouse.  This may sound a bit strange, but I don't feel that I'm missing out on anything.  I would like to have a spouse who shared my spiritual beliefs, but without that, the rest doesn't really make much difference.  At first, I thought I needed to do things differently, but the reality is Abba knew exactly what I needed and precisely what I didn't need.  I'm not a person given to a great deal of quality time or intimacy.  I don't enjoy television or movies.  To be perfectly honest, when I find myself in a situation of "making time" with someone, I'm usually thinking about other things.  That's who I am.  If I were with a man who needed a lot of interactive time, I'd be letting him down.  It might even seem like rejection to him.  Shared spiritual interests, now, that's quality time, and in that many topics and interests maintain my undivided attention!

It is my firm belief that we have to know our level of attention required, and the amount of "alone time" we need.  Some people do need a great deal of interactive quality time, others not so much.  Some people are quite content in their hobbies, while others prefer to be spectators in their choice of entertainment.  With life now, so instant, there just isn't the building time there used to be in relationships.  We don't marry young and grow together, and most of us aren't struggling to eek out an existence.  Many young couples remain dependent upon parents after they start "housekeeping" or borrow their way into "being established."  Our society simply has a great deal of free time figured in to everyone's schedule.  What someone does with their "free time" or down time, tends to be the make or break definition of a relationship.

We all need our sleep, and for those of us who are attempting to walk as Messiah walked, there is a day of rest, as well.  If the day of rest and Feast days are shared, the rest of the schedule will undoubtedly be easier.  In many homes, both spouses work.  Usually, one knows before marrying the career of the other person and how satisfied they are in their own job.  Money management is an important issue in marriage as well.  Regardless of chemistry, a spendthrift and a penny pincher will not usually make a very happy couple.  Even if opposites attract, they do not always work well together.

Although I don't consider this to be relationship advice, please, before making a relationship commitment, know who your were Created to be.  If you like a lot of interactive quality time, don't marry a workaholic.  If you prefer frugal simplicity, watch how the other person handles their money.  Most importantly, if you want to spend your life with your soulmate, make sure the two of you are on the "same page" Scripturally.   In our society, it's easy for everyone to know and use the same words, but not everyone is walking their talk.  Be sure you know what is important in your own life before making a covenant commitment.