The Greatest Compliment

The compliment of all compliments came my way, about me, in front of me the other day.

It was about 3 1/2 months of knowing I needed to be ministering in Oklahoma, that I finally got in the right place.  I wasn't ignoring the call, I was just making it more difficult that it was.  I'm like that, sometimes.  I had no intentions of being disobedient at all!  Every place I went, the door was closed very quickly.  I have matured in that I don't bang on closed doors or brick walls like I used to, but my quest was not a simple one.  Here, I thought I was supposed to make a purchase toward the project, when that was simply not the case.  I have been called, however; to invest heavily in time and energy . . . and much prayer.

So here I am back in a church I'd visited several years ago.  I never joined and I didn't leave on bad terms.  It's simply a fact that Christian churches use the terms "set apart" and "come out from among them," but as a rule have tossed out the Instructions as to how that is to be done.  They felt a leading to go a direction I could not support, and with different celebrations, our paths simply crossed less.  We all stayed on friendly terms and always enjoyed seeing each other.  I've even spoken a few times through the years as a guest, but we all understand there are some significant differences.

When Abba told me to go to this pastor, I wasn't quite sure how it would go, but I showed up for Sunday morning service on Shavu'ot/Pentecost with two loaves of bread.  I told him, "I knew this was the one celebration we all shared and Deuteronomy said I was to bake two loaves of bread and go outside my gate, so here I am."  He smiled and said, "Great!  It's also Memorial Day and the service is more toward country and honoring our veteran members, then when that concludes, I'll turn the service over to you."  Well, I wasn't expecting that!  Clearly Abba had prepared his heart to receive me.

I left that Sunday afternoon, knowing I would contact him about the plan I'd been given.  Abba has led me to share natural remedies, as well as correlate the fact that sin is often the root problem in health, emotions, and finances.  I visited again in June and asked if we could meet to chat about an idea YHWH had given me.  He seemed a bit evasive, so I wasn't sure if he was truly that busy or just trying to kindly dismiss me.  As it turns out, he's truly been that busy . . .  I attended a couple more Sunday morning services, being asked to pray or speak, every time . . . So I realized my old weakness of being rejected and unwanted was unfounded.  It was time to take the bull by the horns and move forward.

I caught the pastor in his office that morning and told him, I was still wanting to talk to him and he began again with just how stretched his schedule was, when I simply said, "we're both here now and this won't take long."  I presented to him, my situation of being led to Oklahoma to share spiritually based health and I wanted to "rent" the church on Sunday afternoon between services for the same price I would have to pay to rent a conference room.  I asked him if he'd pray and think about it and he said, "No need, he had already been asking for something like this."  He did add that I did not need to pay for using the building, but in my heart it only seems right.

So, this past Sunday morning, it was announced that I would be there all afternoon.  The pastor then proceeded to share with the congregation that he wanted to tell them a couple of things about me.  He said, "When this woman prays, G-d hears, and results happen.  And another thing . . . anything you tell her stays between you, her, and G-d."

What humbling comments to hear.  I couldn't imagine a better compliment!

Royal Purpose

This week began beautifully!  There is so much opportunity set before me, as well as a warning of what to avoid, accompanied by both positive and negative confirmation!  Our Heavenly Father is so good.  He truly does want us to achieve His purpose in our lives and live in His plan.

Years ago I made a drastic mistake.  After marrying Mr. B, and he seemed genuinely interested in spiritual matters for a time, I asked Abba if I could wait for him.  Within a year and a half, I realized I had indeed receive an affirmative answer to that prayer.  I tried to be patient for a time, and then I began to seriously fear for my own soul.  This man had no intentions of serving YHWH or building a life with me.  It was no longer a matter of patience, it was a matter of my spiritual life.  When I realized waiting on someone who refused to go forward, would actually result in going backward; I repented with horribly bitter tears.  I've remembered often Mr. B's words before we married, as we were discussing the plans.  He simply stated, "If we don't move forward, we'll start going backward."   Thirteen years later, I can attest, truer words were never spoken.  Now, here's the wild part.  Since I repented, the waiting has ended . . .

I've had some advice, of course, from the uber Gothard religious types who choose to believe a woman should actually lose her salvation over a man, but I stand on Torah and will not be moved.  Mr. B knew my call and my vow before he ever signed on and said nothing against it the day he heard.  According to Numbers 30, the window of opportunity for him to nullify my vow, closed years ago!  That means, I'd be a disobedient rebellious fool to, now; disregard my vow.  I am moving forward and so excited about it.  I've even opened my heart to other opportunities if YHWH presents them, but at this time, my plate is full.  "Equally yoked" is not limited to marriage at all, but in working together for the kingdom!  Now, on to my purpose.

It's occurred to me, that although I don't believe what mainstream Christianity teaches regarding the rejection of Torah and the Messiah's name, I do know when people are searching for spiritual truth, many go to church.  I don't need to drop out of church to live by my beliefs at all!  As a matter of fact, Abba has opened a door in a church and I'm so excited.  Religious spirits are running rampant through the church, as well as social media fellowship.  We need deliverance and we need to offer deliverance.  A note of caution here, be careful in "unfriending and blocking" and how that may translate to unforgiveness in our own life.  I'm not sure exactly where that line is, myself, so I'm just offering the note of caution.

Then there is also the fact that, like it or not, regardless of the social teaching, our mainstream medical treatments are rooted in what Scripture has translated to be "sorcery."  The Greek word pharmakeia is obviously the root of our term pharmaceutical.  In Galatians, that term was translated to witchcraft and in the Revelation, sorcery or sorcerer for the practice there of.  As many are griping about Obamacare, and knowing these are the end of days, it's time to come out from among the practices of the heathen.  It's truly time for the children of the King to stop living as fearful peasants.  

The Bible is historic, of course, but it's not a history book, it is Living Word and our true purpose as Bible believing followers of Messiah is to live the Word!

Living Large and Loving It

For over 50 years, I felt bad about my appearance and size.  While I'm shaking my head and furrowing my brow at all this trans mess confusion, asking why they can't just appreciate their body as they were created, it hit me between the eyes.  Now mine isn't so severe as to dislike my gender, I'm glad I'm a girl, but I spent a lifetime hating my body, and that is also wrong.  Don't get me wrong, my body is far from perfect, but I was simply not created to be a size 4.  I did that sort of, one time in my life and caused myself serious harm.  Actually, only my skirt was a size 4, my blouses and blazers were still size 16.  I have to be very self-abusive to be what is considered thin in this society.  The flip side to the self-abuse though, is the constant remarks I hear from family and the lack of interest shown to me by Mr. B.  I'm not the image of obesity.  As a matter of fact, I get compliments from strangers, regularly, but like an idiot, I placed more value on the negative comments and treatment from family, then adopted that for my own perspective.  I should have allowed myself to be influenced by "the kindness of strangers."  I'm about to get personal here.

My skirts and leggings are less than plus size.  Depending upon the article of clothing, I am about a 14-16 or in generic sizing: large.  My tops on the other hand, are usually 2X and they do not appear to be oversized at all!  I do have to double cuff the long sleeved blouses though, as my upper body girth does exceed my upper body length.  I'm between 5'7" and 5'8" and finally, after developing a complex at 3 1/2 years of age, I have been delivered and gained victory!  HalleluYah!  This blog has done a lot in letting me see my feelings in writing, and how ridiculous some of my self-perception has been.  There have been times in my past, I seriously considered surgical alteration of my body.  It's like I wasted my best looking years feeling ugly and now that I'm long past 50, I'm feeling just pretty good about my appearance, at this age.

The natural health and beauty products I make really do keep my skin looking young.  Enjoying my time outdoors keeps my skin tone vibrantly bronzed and my muscles in pretty good tone.  I'm not as active as I could be, but homesteading does involve more physical activity than city living, for sure.  I received Abba's Word back in 2012, after a horrendous experience, the promises of the 103rd Psalm.  It's taken nearly three more years to get to the heart of my problem, and watching the Bruce Jenner headlines, I finally saw.  It's not a matter of being a perfect physical specimen, as a decathlon medal Olympian surely was.  It's about humbly not second guessing our Creator.

A Psalm of David. Bless YHWH, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless His Holy Name.  Bless YHWH, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits:  Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;  Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;  Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.  

It hasn't happened overnight, but you know, I carried that burden for a lot of years.  I have truly noticed although my locks are silver, my face has very few lines and I just continue to become more comfortable in my own skin.  My mom has decided once again to go on yet another diet.  She's played the diet yoyo game my entire life and she offered to share it with me.  My response, for the first time in my life was, "I'm not interested, I eat fresh organic food and I like my body the way it is."  She was clearly not expecting that response!  Actually, I was a bit surprised to hear myself say it, but I believe it!  

Better Choices

Mr. B doesn't like to talk to me.  Oh, he'll tell me old stories, like when he was growing up, and all about "the can plant" and a few Snorkel memories, but that's all!  We don't discuss and sadly we don't share happy memories.  The good times I have, don't involve him, per his choice and there's no indication he's enjoyed himself since the turn of this century.  I'll be honest here, I spent some time blaming him, and probably even more time doubting that I'd heard G-d at all regarding this marriage, but then it dawned on me.  Every moment that I spend thinking about the last 13 years . . . sigh; and every complaint I state about the last 13, and every doubt I ponder, is time I can't get back.

I can't change what happened 13 years ago, but I can sure stop dwelling on the doubt and the disappointment.  So many promises were broken and so many statements made that there simply is no desire to reconcile our situation or relationship, but we can choose to not invest time poorly.  I can't make someone love me or share my joy in Adonai, but no one can take my joy.  I can choose, however; to lose my joy . . . or not.  At the end of the day, week, month, or year, all I can do is determine if I did what I should have done, regardless of what was returned.  Truth be told, I really like the space this relationship affords me.  As I've shut up and stopped trying to analyze it, I've discovered I'm actually not interested in changing the way things are between us.  This is as close to having my cake and eating it too, as anyone could have!

The only power over choice I have is power over the choices I make.  Choice is a sore spot for me because before I married Mr. B, he was talking about making a decision of some kind, and I piped up encouragingly and proclaimed, "I'm all about choice!"  In the last few days I have come to realize, even though there are some serious no-choices in my life, I can still choose what I think about and where I invest my energy.  So many wonderful opportunities await, if we don't choose to spend our energy unwisely.  Interestingly, as I was writing this another situation arose that has brought the same insight.

I'm suddenly and sadly aware that my attempt to obey the fifth commandment has extracted much unproductive energy.  Some things simply will not change and of course the past cannot be undone or redone.  I'm getting a lot of practice now at making sure what bounces through my head doesn't come flying out my mouth.  I already have to repent for the thoughts I entertain, I don't want to have to repent for words that should remain unspoken!

It really is simple when I break it down incrementally.  The energy spent to engage in an unproductive conversation is spent, never to be regained.  Unproductive conversations usually have one of two outcomes.  Thoughts that are unsaid can mulled over, and replayed, which is more wasted energy ruminating; or something regrettable is said, and that is sin.  Not only wasted energy on a dead-end conversation, but sin, which is never energy well spent.  Then add the time it takes to seek forgiveness of Abba and the additional energy it takes to apologize to the person.

I am still all about choice and I am choosing to spend less energy on things that are counterproductive and that usually involves words, but then Scripture already says that . . . repeatedly.  None of us chose our parents and whether we are married or single, in good relationships or bad, we can choose how we react and how we spend our energy.

In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.  a Proverb of Holy Scripture

Replace Rather Than Repair

As life is moving forward, and the calamity of last week's Sabbath has abated, rather than repair the deck, it will be replaced.  The flooring itself may have had a couple more good years in it, but the gate is a complete goner and the railings are wobbly.  Mr. B and I had already discussed calling a guy we knew for an estimate, but somehow that just never came to fruition.  The goats provided the motivation to get serious about replacing the deck, but for some reason I just couldn't get around to calling the guy.

I designed the first deck and it was a homemade project.  It held up well through a move and being resized for the addition, but enough is enough.  The idea of more pedestrian traffic here in the Land of Goshen brought the realization, there is just no need to repair a deck that I already know will need to be replaced in two years.  I'm getting practical like that . . .

I've become intensely aware of Abba directing my steps to blessings, through what first appears to be an inconvenience or problem.  As we were coming home from town last week, we noticed someone building a deck.  Since there was a large equipment truck, we assumed the builder was a contractor and turned around to talk to him.  Sure enough, he was a contractor, gave us his card and said he'd be glad to give us a bid.  We called him that evening and the other guy that I'd been stalling about calling and both said they'd be here Monday to size up the project.

Both men called Monday for directions to the place, but only one showed up that day.  He looked it over, said he'd get back to us and by that evening we had a bid, and not a bad price at all!  Wednesday was a town day, and as we were coming home, the guy that was a no show, Monday, was coming down the lane.  He'd finally gotten around to dropping in to bid the job.  He did that without anyone being home.  It then dawned on me, from our previous dealings, why I'd not been too anxious to call him.  When he called with his bid, it was nearly double the price of the first bid!  I simply told him we'd talk it over.

The crew has been contracted to rebuild!  Then I did the ultimate woman thing on them.  They came to get started and I asked about making it larger . . . As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I realized for the first time in my life, I sounded like my mother.  My entire life, when she sees someone working, my Daddy or myself, she invariably steps in to tweak.  By nature, I'm not a tweaker, but the idea just hit me that this deck could be larger than first estimated.  The men lit up and said, "No problem!  Now's the time!"  They got out the tape measures and went from there.  I knew the best plan would be an additional 8 feet as that would eliminate sawing every board and minimize waste.  They went to their truck to confer and refigure, came out and presented the increased cost.  It was wonderful!  Done deal!

As they were leaving, ready to start first thing Monday morning, I remembered the very nice drawing he'd already done for the original bid.  I thought of my mother and her ever changing tweaking, so I asked them if there was something we needed to sign.  They said they'd do right by me, to which I responded, I know that, I thought you might like my signature to ensure there are no more changes . . .  They smiled and said, "See you tomorrow."

YHWH willing the former amateur 8' X 12' design will be replaced with a brand new professional 10' X 28' deck.

Whining

I've been whining for some time now to Abba, about the fact Mr. B doesn't treat me like a woman.  I've taken it quite personally and very hard.  I've never been treated this way before.  It's very foreign and nothing I would choose.  Sadly, after 13 years, it's not so foreign anymore, and my memories of being treated like a woman are fading into the distant past.  Don't worry, I'm not confused.  I know I'm a woman that was gifted with a great many capabilities and that's okay.  I have no desire to be in competition with anyone, although between you, me, and the fence post, I wouldn't mind being treated as the "weaker vessel" once in awhile.  That, however; is not reflective of my spiritual standing.

After the calamity on Sabbath, I realized, I really did just want a pair of big strong arms around me telling me everything would be okay.  It wasn't a matter of lust, nor did I even include a body or face with those big strong arms, just took a few moments to acknowledge to myself I may be capable, but I'm not invincible.  I could even get emotional, once in awhile, if there was a safe place to do so . . . and there is.  My office in the early morning and outdoors.  I guess I could lock myself in the bathroom, but that's just not my style.  Yesterday morning, I just wanted someone to acknowledge my pain and allow me to dramatize my crisis.  Remember Mary Tyler Moore as Laura Petrie on the Dick Van Dyke show when she would just fall apart saying "Ooooooooh Rrrrrrrrrrrrob!"  Ah well, back to reality.

As I read and pondered, thinking back to my simple invitation to Mr. B all those years ago.   I met him at his church when he announced he had just taken a job that had him working week-end days, so he wouldn't be attending much for awhile.  I was facilitating a Friday evening Torah study and oneg, so I simply handed him a card, mentioned the Friday evening gathering and said, "Don't lose fellowship."  Now it's been a number of years, that I observe Sabbath alone.  I thought of that, actually I think of it often.  What would I be doing on Shabbat, if I hadn't handed him that card?  Would I be enjoying fellowship?  Would my life have turned out differently?

It was then that I simply determined it was time to put away all the questions and realize I am where I am for such a time as this.  Another person's interest or lack thereof is irrelevant.  I still get treated not only like a woman, but like a lady . . . they just aren't my husband and now, that's okay.  As a matter of fact, it's just fine.

Vanity?

I tend to think vanity is used to address a problem in women, while pride is more masculine, although both genders can engage in vanity and pride; and both are bad.  As of late, I've heard everything from a woman shaving her legs to bridgework and false teeth; labeled as vanity.  I'm old enough to remember when women's slacks were considered immodest and skirts had to be at the knee, not to mention the make-up issue.  Now there are the head coverings, swimwear debates, and proper blousing discussions.  Sometimes all this modesty seems to be rather vain.  Some of the modesty these days is beginning to look a bit too Islamic for me.

Invariably the modesty discussions on social media seem to really draw attention to the woman's body, face, and hair style.  I've gotten to the point, perhaps it's age, perhaps it's my track record, I'd just as soon answer all the questions posed, and volunteer all the potential subjects of blackmail that could occur.  Since Mr. B has no qualms about putting me on the spot, and I have one daughter who has a history of publicizing confidentiality, I figure whatever they know could appear on social media at any time.

 I cover my head, but my hair hangs long . . . except when I'm gardening and cooking, for practical reasons.  My hair is long past my waist. It gets hot and in the way in the garden, and nobody wants a four foot strand of hair in their dinner.  Scripture doesn't speak specifically as to the definition of modesty, but does mention a woman's long hair is her glory and to pray or prophesy publicly, her head should be covered.  Some scholars believe that to mean her hair is her covering . . .  Since I'm unsure, I don't cut my hair, and when I'm in public, my head is covered.  I've heard several other viewpoints and I don't argue them, nor do I feel the need to agree.

As for attire, I do wear a skirt and top with an overblouse.  I've read discussions on how high the top should be, the concern about cleavage, etc. when a woman leans over.  One discussion even addressed concern when gardening, that a woman could cause a man to lust by the way she held herself through the weeding or harvesting.  I don't carry it to that degree.  When I get dressed, no cleavage is showing at my neckline . . . as the day wears on, I just hope nothing sags beneath the hemline of my top.  Although I don't publicly announce it, I'm quite buxom and since my kids know my bra size, I don't consider it to be a secret.  Nor do I consider honesty to be immodest.  If somebody wants to know something, just ask.  I don't mind telling the truth, nor do I mind telling someone straight out, "it's none of your business."

I am in a quandary when it comes to swimwear.  I really enjoy swimming, but my last few years as a lifeguard in my early 40s did make me feel a bit self-conscious in the uniform suit.  I've since gone with a sort of swim dress type suit, but I certainly wouldn't even consider trying to swim in the presence of the Torah modesty crowd.  Does that make me a hypocrite?  Maybe . . .  What I have discovered in reading and observing these modesty discussions, is at least for me, I think my modesty is based more upon self-consciousness than morality.  I simply don't see myself as evoking any lustful feelings in any man.

Many of the dresses, skirts, and nearly all of the headcoverings really do seem to be making a fashion statement, and trendy fashion can be quite a display of vanity.  It's as if modesty is a fashion trend, rather than a matter of the heart.  I don't see myself getting into the covering competition or modesty pageant.  I've always considered a modest woman to be one who is dressed appropriately, gracious in her demeanor, and simply unfocused on herself.