Awakened to Shalom and Joy Overflowing

The other night I woke up as usual for my mid-night time of prayer.  The stillness for that special time of prayer is so precious.  Abba's voice is so sweet.  Often, He does more of the talking than I do.  Of course, the adherents of psychology would say I'm crazy, but that's okay.  Our Heavenly Father was speaking to His people long before Freud and Jung were born, and long before James Dobson brought us "Christian Psychology."  That particular term seems to be an oxymoron.   I usually go back to sleep after our mid-night time of communion, and Thursday morning I awoke to shalom and joy that truly did pass all understanding.

Morning chores were such a delight!  My Buddy Buck has taken a turn for the ornery, so I had planned to move him to the "naughty pen."  Even being ornery with the herd, he heard me call him and came right to me. Although he's being good to me, he still had to be separated from the girls.  His accommodations, to which I referred as the naughty pen, has all the amenities of the pasture with the exception of female company.  Everything that morning just went to smoothly.

As I went through my chore pattern which could be described almost as ritualistic, so I don't omit or overlook anything, a thought came to mind.  This homesteading project has not gone at all as I first thought it would nearly ten years ago.  Through those times of things turning out differently, I often k'vetched [complained.]  Yet, the reality is, it's turned out so much better than I imagined when I stepped into this plan!  I've been forgiven for complaining, but the reality is, complaining requires forgiveness, and . . . repentance!   The fact of forgiveness just washed over the joyful shalom I was already enjoying.  Our Heavenly Father is awesome.  Y'hshuwah Messiah truly is King of kings and Lord of lords.  There is none on all the earth that compares to Him.

My life isn't perfect, but oh my!  Since I've been following Messiah, my worst days now are better than my best days used to be.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love YHWH, to them who are the called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

Dying to Self is Not Like a Diet

I have realized yet another oddity about myself!  Oy vey!  Now I realize, when I think I've died to self, I need to realize, I'm a big girl!  I'm beginning to wonder if my full figuredness doesn't correlate with being full of self . . .

I wrote an article in "Religiously Incorrect" and when I did that, I realized, last year, and the year before that, and several years before that I'd died to self . . . only to discover there's more of ME than I realized!  Apparently YHWH sees me as big as I see myself in the mirror.  There's a lot to my "self" so there's a ton of dying that needs to happen!  What is wonderful, though; as the dying occurs, so far there has been no significant resurrection power directed toward these areas of self!  HalleluYah!

I certainly don't want to have to keep dying over and over again.  Even in the discovery of my areas of self, I do want to keep moving forward in victory!  I do not want to keep "going 'round" the same mountain.  Thankfully, the flesh and the enemy do not have resurrection power!  I'm thankful we are given this life on earth to "be ready" for eternal life.  Dying to self is not like going on a diet to lose 20 pounds.  Dying to self appears to be a "process" that continues through the days of our life.  In my recent desire to "show my hind-end" I came to realize, I'd truly rather bring glory and honor to my Heavenly Father and follow Messiah . . .  That could be why we as a society, recognize the death process as a process . . .

Dying to self is quite a process, and there is not spiritual hospice.  There are times it's quite painful, yet once it happens in a particular area I feel so light and good.  I still remember a couple of years ago knowing what flesh remained was in the way of my walk and of the ministry to which I'm called.  I want to be completely free of flesh and  . . . fleshly desires.  It seems the more I die to self, the fewer regrets I experience and the less baggage I have.  I know I'm not there yet, but this big girl is feeling lighter every day!

A Difficult Time of Year

This time of year seems to be difficult for so many.  For some, the difficulty is in dealing with family after walking away from the traditions of this season.  For others, it's the stress of participating in the traditions of this season.  For many, it's the finances of life in general, and the fact this season, traditions or no, just seems to cost more in general expenses, like heating.  For a growing number of us, this time of year seems exhausting.  Darkness descends in what seems like the middle of the afternoon, which makes the day short and the bed inviting.

In my own personal situation, I have a touch of most of those variables listed above.  I don't participate in Christmas or the commercial side of Hanukkah, so I'm not terribly popular with family, this time of year.  Come to think of it, I'm not terribly popular with family, any time of year . . . yet I digress.  Chores are a bit less enjoyable this time of year because of cold and ice.  The critters are just not as sociable, as cold is not their favorite, either.  My home is all electric and even with a fireplace and some off grid power, it seems the furnace or heat pump do have a negative impact on the light bill.  I can't imagine what my bill would be, if I were going behind a couple of kids turning off lights and closing doors.  With all this extra early darkness, I have discovered my futon is so much more comfortable, than it seems in the summer.

I'm not a bit depressed, so I don't think I have SAD, but I do realize this time of year takes a great toll on a number of people, and that makes me sad.  So many go into debt for things that will be broken or tossed before the credit card is even paid off.  Sadly, as our economy has continued to destabilize, many more families are struggling just to survive.  While we are being told the economy is recovering, it's easy to see grocery store prices are continuing to rise.  I found myself in a bit of a personal struggle that I have finally resolved, for now . . . I think.

I don't want to contribute to Christmas baskets or gifts, but I do want to help.  By the grace of G-d, I've now been able to clearly see, January is a much more difficult month for many people than December is.  There are a number of charities that are in full swing this month, but next month, when the tinsel has tarnished and the snow has settled, many folks will still be struggling.  For those of us who do not celebrate the December 25th tradition, I have a great idea!  For the past couple of years, I've tried to get the jump on donations to avoid the Thanksgiving/Christmas push, by making food and soap donations about the time school starts and taking coats and sweaters for donation in October.  I've since realized another option and opportunity.  We can offer assistance in January!  The grocery store will still have it's "food pantry" basket by the door.  Winter coats will still be needed.  As a matter of fact, in my neck o' the woods, a winter coat really isn't needed until January.  My heating bill is always worse in January and February, than it is in December; so there are ways to help without participating in the traditional seasonal charities.

It's taken a few weeks to come to this praise report, but I have come to truly appreciate the early nightfall through this difficult time of year.  Regardless of the season, I'm good for about 4 hours after dark.  In the summer, that's midnight or after, but right now, it's about 9 pm.  Now that I'm ready for bed by 9pm, I have a great new prayer schedule.  Since the daylight saving time shock last month, most nights I'm sound asleep before 10, but wide awake again around 2am.  I have been having the best time of prayer through the early morning hours, then doze back off after five.  It's still dark, so I enjoy another couple of hours of sleep, before the rooster begins crowing.  This split shift prayer schedule has become such a blessing!

Many are facing difficult times right now.  Prayer is certainly one thing I can do.  Through that time of prayer, however; I have the blessed privilege of hearing what else I can do.

More Reality

I had to take a break from Loosed Woman for a bit.  Reality was beginning to stack up to a looming height, but then I heard, "Come to the Rock that is higher . . ."   From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2   which was then confirmed by Psalm 27:5  For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion: in the secret of His tabernacle shall He hide me; He shall set me up upon a rock.

The truth of my past is painful.  I became a teen aged mother in the mid seventies.  Abortion was an option I did not choose.  Sadly, I didn't realize giving birth is not the same thing as "choosing life."  I love my kids, I love my grandkids, but in my ignorance, I didn't raise them in the admonition of YHWH.  I came to the Truth and entered a covenant walk with our Creator just a few weeks before my youngest turned 18.  My time of being under conviction before surrendering to Abba, truly rocked my household, and I can't change that fact.  I was a young mother and my only goal was to not raise my kids the way I'd been raised.  That's not a goal, that's just a different wrong direction.

To aim to "not" do something is not aiming.  That doesn't work in anything in life.  Imagine taking a trip and the only plan is "not north."  There is no map, no destination, just "not north."  I guess a few folks may enjoy the scenery and even delight in the destination, but that would be purely happenstance, or . . . mercy.  Imagine any other project from hunting to cooking, with the designated outcome aimed at what you don't want.  In retrospect, it's so easy to see now.

I listen to one daughter who is proud and accomplished, whom I adopted after her formative years, which appears to have definitely been to her advantage.  I heard from my birth daughter, who makes it a point to remind me just how much she disregards anything I hold important.  How sad, that she's nearly 40 and still aiming for "not her mother's values."  Thankfully, by that age, I had True direction, Abba's direction.  Following Messiah is the only solution away from each generation attempting to "not do what the last one did."

I can't help but wonder sometimes just how far away Hagar and Ishmael went, and if Abraham was able to enjoy any of his grandchildren by Ishmael.  I still remember the day I heard, "Ishmael," in regard to my own particular situation.  The promise of Abraham is so exciting and we all embrace that with our own perspective . . . but we don't really consider the cost of his obedience to receive that promise.  Faith means one steps out on the Word of YHWH without seeing the results.  Faith involves action.  Abba had been so patient and merciful with me, and yet there came a day, I had to let go.

As I read the number of heart wrenching letters, posts, and comments from parents who are given "pat answers" and told to pray, my heart just breaks.  When we pray "Thy will be done," sometimes we have to accept that everything we hold dear is not His will for our lives.  Even though we are told to pray without ceasing, sometimes, we are told it's time to pray for something else.  I had a Bible, I was talked out of the truth as a teen by religious leaders.  I'm not blaming them, I'm just stating the facts.  I've heard two very stern words recently regarding some of my relationships in the natural.  These words have been confirmed.  When I think of Messiah in the Garden of Gethsemane as he prayed, "if it be possible, let this cup pass . . ." but it wasn't possible.

Our Heavenly Father gave what was most precious to Him to have a relationship with us, and some of us will be called to do the same.

Knowing Our Type

We hear all the time about the differences between the sexes, and there are many.  Our Creator made men and women to be different; and even within the two sexes, we are hardly all the same.  Our differences and uniquenesses should be appreciated as a reflection of just how creative our Heavenly Father truly is.  In all these differences, however; there are some very basic similarities.  Like women, men come in all shapes, sizes, and shades.  Also like women, they are so much more than their superficial appearance.  I don't hand out much relationship advice, because I don't have much success in that area of my life, which has led me to a unique circle of influence and opportunity.   I'd like to share a few thoughts in regard to potential relationship success, as well as the reality of why many relationships fail.

People tend to be older now when they marry, and many are already living together, have been in an intimate relationship prior to marriage, or divorced and remarrying.  It seems the divorce rate has dropped, while statistics indicate fewer folks are getting married.  I've made no bones about the fact, my marital and divorce record changes the statistics in any given gathering.   I'm not proud of that fact, but it is a fact.  That's why I've elected to share a few things I wish I'd known before.


First and foremost, people are not necessarily being dishonest when the dating begins.  Some may be, but for the most part a new relationship is exciting and the interest level is simply high.  New couples want to spend time together and want to get to know each other, but once the "getting to know each other" becomes sharing plans and making plans, a comfortable confidence replaces the curiosity and chemistry.  I wish I'd known that years ago.  I'm not a person who desires a great deal of attention and quality time.  I truly think I was afraid that some men would continue to be as attentive as they were dating, if we married.  I definitely appreciate a man who is busy and doesn't need my attention constantly, or insists upon showering me with attention.  I prefer men who maintain their already established priorities, while also including me.  

I fell between the emotional cracks of what I needed.  In my desire to share a busy life with another person who also valued their time alone to accomplish goals, I ended up in more than one marriage with a man who was just looking for a responsible partner that would afford him the right to be absent.  I didn't realize until very recently, that I had really never entered a marriage covenant expecting to build a life together.  I've always, always married men who were sure the right woman, me; would make a wonderful marriage.  Half of a couple cannot make that happen.

I've been asked more than a few times recently about my situation and lack of interaction with a spouse.  This may sound a bit strange, but I don't feel that I'm missing out on anything.  I would like to have a spouse who shared my spiritual beliefs, but without that, the rest doesn't really make much difference.  At first, I thought I needed to do things differently, but the reality is Abba knew exactly what I needed and precisely what I didn't need.  I'm not a person given to a great deal of quality time or intimacy.  I don't enjoy television or movies.  To be perfectly honest, when I find myself in a situation of "making time" with someone, I'm usually thinking about other things.  That's who I am.  If I were with a man who needed a lot of interactive time, I'd be letting him down.  It might even seem like rejection to him.  Shared spiritual interests, now, that's quality time, and in that many topics and interests maintain my undivided attention!

It is my firm belief that we have to know our level of attention required, and the amount of "alone time" we need.  Some people do need a great deal of interactive quality time, others not so much.  Some people are quite content in their hobbies, while others prefer to be spectators in their choice of entertainment.  With life now, so instant, there just isn't the building time there used to be in relationships.  We don't marry young and grow together, and most of us aren't struggling to eek out an existence.  Many young couples remain dependent upon parents after they start "housekeeping" or borrow their way into "being established."  Our society simply has a great deal of free time figured in to everyone's schedule.  What someone does with their "free time" or down time, tends to be the make or break definition of a relationship.

We all need our sleep, and for those of us who are attempting to walk as Messiah walked, there is a day of rest, as well.  If the day of rest and Feast days are shared, the rest of the schedule will undoubtedly be easier.  In many homes, both spouses work.  Usually, one knows before marrying the career of the other person and how satisfied they are in their own job.  Money management is an important issue in marriage as well.  Regardless of chemistry, a spendthrift and a penny pincher will not usually make a very happy couple.  Even if opposites attract, they do not always work well together.

Although I don't consider this to be relationship advice, please, before making a relationship commitment, know who your were Created to be.  If you like a lot of interactive quality time, don't marry a workaholic.  If you prefer frugal simplicity, watch how the other person handles their money.  Most importantly, if you want to spend your life with your soulmate, make sure the two of you are on the "same page" Scripturally.   In our society, it's easy for everyone to know and use the same words, but not everyone is walking their talk.  Be sure you know what is important in your own life before making a covenant commitment.

Q & A

As a princess, I want to conduct myself in a manner befitting my royal status.  I do not want my behavior or words to bring shame upon my Beloved or my Abba.  As the headlines and news feeds are filled with the suggestive subjects and the agenda of perversion, the openness of sexual discussion abounds.  I'm old enough to remember a time when much of what is now general conversation was only mentioned in hushed whispers with few details, and never in mixed company.  I am not backward per se when it comes to sexual discussion, but I do not appreciate coarseness.  I prefer to keep the subject of sexual matters to straight forward fact and function.  

On the other hand, I've never been terribly comfortable in discussing my own feelings on an emotional level when it comes to intimacy.  I find the topic of intimacy to be much more personal than sex.  With same sex marriage in the headlines, and the concept of being transgendered, introduced to elementary aged school children, obviously the subject of sex has gone far beyond fact and function.  Suddenly it seems as if there are no facts, just perverse imaginings that seem to have no end.  There are facts, though!  There are spiritual, emotional, and physical facts that simply cannot be ignored.

I've spent several years in a very non-intimate marriage, on every level . . . That's the old fashioned way of saying we are not soulmates, we don't share interests, we don't talk if we don't have to, and we do not "sleep together."  "Not soulmates," means we do not pray or share religious beliefs and "do not sleep together" is the old fashioned reference to celibacy in a relationship, and in my case, separate bedrooms.  Recently, in a conversation I was asked how I could be so content sharing nothing with my husband.  As I thought about that, I realized I would have to give up being the person Abba has created and called me to be, to be desired by him . . . I've seen the women this man finds attractive, and heard the words that reflect their character.

This thought made me wonder how many other people think they have to embrace something or accept the invasive opinions or belittlement by others to be accepted or wanted.  In all this talk of freedom and individuality, there are many, many expectations of conformity and compliance.  I can honestly say, without any doubt, the fact that I have an intimacy issue or lack does not make me look for another type of relationship.  It simply causes me to give pause and assess my priorities.  A relationship should enhance a person's life and bring out  the best in both, not cause one to give up their identity, dignity, integrity, and priorities to be accepted.  That is not love.

When it's all said and done, giving up one's birth right and identity to be accepted, will prove to have dismal results and returns.  We are not gender assigned at birth.  We are created in the womb with a purpose and a plan, and some of us may not have physical intimacy or desires as has been promoted by society or even religion.  That is no reason to embrace the perversion that is being promoted, or to silence those who live by Scriptural values.  Bakers and photographers have already been targeted by the agenda for their values, and now it's moved on to more reality tv.

Last year Phil Roberson was targeted for his comments, and this year apparently the Duggar's are in the sites of the LGBT agenda.  Although I am not a proponent of the full quiver concept or conception, as the case may be, I do defend the Duggar's rights to say what they choose and live according to their beliefs.  In all honesty, I don't qualify for the one man and one woman for life "marriage photo" on their page, but that doesn't mean they don't have the right to have their page.  Many of us are different from what is considered mainstream, but changing mainstream is not the answer.  For all those who question their identity, discovering G-d's Truth is the only answer.

Divine Intervention

As most of you know, I don't leave the place often, but when I do I have a list in hand!  This past Wednesday was business day in town.  Preferably, town day goes as planned, which is as quickly and efficiently as possible.  Mr. B was acting strangely that day, so I really wasn't looking forward to being trapped in the buggy with him for several hours.  I even gave consideration to "setting the tone," but Abba let me know He would not be pleased with that idea, so I opted for obedience.  In the time getting to town, I really thought about the choice I made.  What good would it have done to let Mr. B know he was being annoying?  When I have told him, in the past, he basically just shrugs his shoulders or tells me how it's my fault, which totally annoys me, further.  Why open the door for that?

So, the trip to town was efficient, and much was accomplished in less time than I thought it would take!  HalleluYah!  In traveling through town, making nine stops, there was only one close call in traffic, which is a good driving day for Mr. B.  There were three stops left to make and it wasn't really all that late.  Nine stops sounds like a lot, but in reality it's just a few minutes in several places, as I make business calls as well as take care of personal matters in the same trip.  It actually looked like we'd make it home before chore time was looming!  With earlier dark hours and colder temps, I don't like to push the envelope when it comes to evening chore time.  Perhaps if I didn't pack so many stops into a trip to town, they wouldn't be so dreaded, but then they'd have to be more frequent, so this present plan works pretty well.  This trip to town had more stops than usual.

As the afternoon was unfolding, the day seemed to be quite efficient, as I stopped at the Green Dollar Tree.  I don't really know the name of the store, but everything's a dollar.  As I got to the front of the store to  checkout, a woman was standing there with a basket.  I asked her if she was in line and she said, "No, I lost my keys."  Another woman was with her, and I of course jumped in with all the usual questions.  Have you retraced your steps?  Did you leave them in the car?  Yada . . . yada.  She was sure of all the places her keys could not be.  I prayed and went ahead and checked out.  I really wanted Abba to show me where her keys were.  She assured me that she'd already been out to her car and they weren't there, and she was simply going to call her son.  With that, I headed out with my purchases.

While placing the sacks in the buggy, I heard Abba tell me He'd take me to her keys.  I wasn't sure whether I should get in the vehicle or walk back to the store.  Mr. B. started the buggy.  As I got in, I heard "the keys were in her car," so I asked Mr. B if he'd please drive me over by her car.  I was thinking they had probably fallen into the floorboard as she was getting out.  I stepped up to peer in the driver's side window and couldn't really see the entire driver's side floorboard from that vantage point.   I walked around to the passenger window to get a full view of the floorboard on the driver's side.

 To my utter delight, the keys were in the ignition.  Since she'd told me she'd locked her car, I didn't try the door, I went to tell her, her keys were found.  It was then, she looked so surprised and told me she could only lock her car with her key from the outside.  To that I responded, "Answered prayer!"

We all walked out to the parking lot, I opened her door, and she along with the woman who was "helping her" shared a moment of rejoicing in the Father's goodness and giving Him glory.  Even in that extra time, the other two stops were efficient, and there was plenty of time before dark.  There has been a recurring thought since that day.  I can't help but think, if I'd have made the other choice at the beginning of the trip to town in dealing with Mr. B, that I probably wouldn't have heard Abba at all.