Regrets and Ripples

Several folks have seemed rather contemplative this season and many downright disappointed in some aspects of their lives.  I'm no exception.  Most of us have made some decisions before we were in Covenant with our Heavenly Father, and those consequences can be long lasting.  I have several regrets, and although I know I've been forgiven, the ripple of those regrets continue to surround my life, on occasion.

I must interject this, however; the ripples of regret no longer actively revolve around my life, but there are occasional reminders.  On a brighter note, even some of my less than good choices, have not all resulted in ripples of regret.  We might as well face it, very few of us have a pure testimony.  Mine is far from stellar, but at 36 my life changed, and it's never been the same.  Sadly, I've still made mistakes with regrets, while there are those who would continue to remind me and others of my ancient history.  My ancient history compared to the life I live now, is absolute proof of the power of YHWH to change a life.  I certainly didn't earn His love, but I am so grateful for His grace and mercy.

The life I now live and the stand I have taken has resulted in a great deal of rejection, but in reality, I wasn't ever that popular or well received, anyway . . . As I've considered this blog, I realized I was already failing in mainstream and certainly with relationships, long before I was rejected for my relationship with YHWH and lifestyle of following Messiah.  Apparently, when one is chosen, even before they realize it, mainstream just doesn't flow well for them.  A child of YHWH simply doesn't fit into mainstream society, and I think the choices they make outside of His will can be even more devastating than those who are not of Him.  Abraham's choice comes to mind frequently.   Getting outside of the plan when one is called of YHWH can have long lasting dire consequences.

Probably what is the most difficult for all of us who have come to the place of confessing our sins and regrets to our Creator, is the difficulty in watching others make the same choices or worse.  We want to save them the heartache we've had, but we have to realize, not everyone is called or chosen and we can't save anyone . . .  We can preach The Word, share a testimony and we can certainly pray, but hearing and applying is up to them.

I'm even sorting through what I believe about predestination and what that means as our lives move from our own path to His.  Some of the regrets and ripples were simply never meant to be a part of our life, and therefore when we do step into His perfect Will, we'll have to let go of some things and some people, or more often than not . . . they'll let go of us.  In becoming a new creation, this can cover relationship, careers, even geographical location.  Messiah said we must be willing to give up everything to follow Him.  Today, I realize, that also means giving up regrets . . .

Strength in Love

This is a struggle in my life.  As I observed the crowd following my Aunt's funeral I realized, even with the marital track record of Liz Taylor, I was once again alone.  The last family gathering in which I was accompanied by a spouse was in the 70's!  Our family is a hugging, say "I love you" bunch . . . well that side of the family is, and it is strengthening.  Although my Aunt's death was sad, all the phone calls back and forth always ended with, "I love you."  Unless my kids or grandkids visit, "I love you" isn't said in my home, except in my prayer closet.  Sometimes I tell the critters "I love them," but that's a different deal; although they do respond.

As the phone calls were exchanged, I had talked to cousins and Daddy, and although my cousins and I always verbalized "I love you," Daddy and I don't, except I did in one of the calls, and the silence on the other end was deafening . . . I know he loves me, but he doesn't say it; and verbalizing it wouldn't even be considered on my mom's side of the family.  Daddy's no spring chicken any more, well I'm not either, so it seems even more important.  I was so thankful to be able to recall two conversations with my Aunt the week before her funeral, and both times, as sick as she was, she ended the call with "I love you."  My last words to her, were those same three.  That is a dear and precious fact that I cherish.  Love is strengthening and to hear those words, priceless.  To speak those words, has become a part of my mission in life.

I still remember the day I realized Mr. B didn't love me as a wife.  It wasn't so much a realization, as his verbalization of such.  He doesn't want me, he no longer shares my beliefs, but he doesn't want a divorce, so it's simply loveless.  I could say I'm trapped, but that's not really the case, as I'm free to love others and say that frequently.  I'm not talking about dating!  I've already got a loveless situation, adultery certainly wouldn't improve the circumstances.  I'm free to just love, seriously without expectation, and without physical inference.  I'm a very friendly introvert and this loveless marriage is a protection, even if it's not preferred or the norm . . .

I have a husband who doesn't desire me as a wife, a mother who struggles in dealing with me, and a father who doesn't respond verbally to his daughter who said, "I love you," but Daddy shows his love in other ways, and accepting that is how I show my love for him.  Not everyone shows their love in the same way, and some folks simply don't seem to show love to others at all.  I've learned through the years, those people are to be pitied.  To be loving means we are called to love those who don't love us back.  To love others means we try to demonstrate our love for them in the way they feel loved.  Some folks like quality time, some quality words, while others enjoy knowing you cared enough to remember something special that was shared between the two of you.

I'm not really sure how I best receive love, but I do know I want everyone who crosses my path to know they are loved by our Creator and me.   I love to hear the words, "I love you," when they are genuine, and I guess I count them genuine, when I realize there is action with the words.

Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of Elohim; and every one that loveth is born of Elohim, and knoweth Elohim.  I John 4:7

"I Love You"

Those three words mean a lot!  Even though we know our Heavenly Father loves us and Y'hshuwah loved us enough to die for us, it's nice to hear the words audibly . . . Written throughout Scripture is definitely reaffirming, but still, we're human and we like to hear another human voice say it and preferably with meaning!  This past week has truly made me appreciate the value of those three words.

For the past several months, I've made a point of saying, "I love you" to people I minister to and with, as well as many I simply speak with.  I truly do love people, well some I have to try to love, but for the most part I do love people.  I'm just a bit awkward, introverted, and stoic, which probably comes across as socially inept, but . . . nobody sees me sweat.  This past week, however; has been a real eye opener in the value of love and hearing the words.  Love isn't just a word, it also involves action, and now this princess has to put her words into action!

My dear, Sweet Aunt Nina has died.  Not only am I really not ready for this, but years ago she asked me to officiate her funeral.  We were all in good health, at the time, so of course, no problem, but now . . . the funeral is imminent.  I am really trying to work through all my thoughts and words, as I choose just the right things to say in her memory.   She was an encourager, extraordinaire, and at every parting, she always said, "I love you."  So, rather than see her in the casket, as I prepare for her funeral, I'm seeing her in the background, telling me "You can do this!  I love you."  No, I'm not committing any necromancy and I have prayed for strength and asked others to pray for me, but it's truly who she was and I want to keep that image of her, especially as I prepare for a tribute to her.

At this time, I continue to push the thought out of my mind, that I won't hear that upbeat, slightly sassy voice again, in this life.  Her laugh was uniquely recognizable and her style was her own.  She was a confident woman, a strong willed woman, and stoic to the nth degree, yet somehow demonstrated a gentle encouragement with those around her.  She shared rather than drive or push.  I never in my life, heard her say to anyone, "You can't do that!"  That's not about morality, but about accomplishment!  She encouraged everyone.  

She "surrounded" her statement of "I love you" with encouragement, laughter, and sometimes a little too much stoicism to hide her own pain.  At times, something I've said or a certain mannerism has been compared to her, and I cherish those compliments more than I can say, so . . . to put action to my words of telling her "I love you," it's time for me to officiate the funeral she asked for.  She said no tears . . . I'll do my best to encourage all of us to remember her words of encouragement, and prayerfully put on a bit too much stoicism to hide my own sadness to fulfill her request.  I'm so thankful to have had two conversations with her last week, and both of them ended with those words to each other.

Nobody said "I love you" like Sweet Aunt Nina.      

True Confession

I've made no bones about my marital track record.  Even before following Messiah in Covenant, I had a certain "code of ethics" regarding fornication, adultery, and marriage.  My "code of ethics" was not according to the Laws of G-d, therefore my "code of ethics" amounted to nothing more than doing what was right in my own eyes.  The Bible calls that sin and my version of it resulted in way too many marriages.  Once I began following Messiah in Covenant, my code of ethics was replaced with obedience to The Word, or at least my understanding and I'm still learning and growing in my understanding.  I'm not fornicating or committing adultery, and even though I am legally married, my husband rejected me years ago, so I am celibate.  In looking back, I've wondered if this has to do with remarriage after divorce.  On to the greater issue, though; and that is one of the recent understandings I've come to is my perception and reason for modesty.

My style of modesty has remained about the same now, for nearly 20 years, but I cannot say it's been based purely on spiritual conviction and Scripture.  Much of my style, appearance, and behavior has sadly been based more upon my low self-esteem than my true spiritual convictions.  This past month, that is changing.  Bringing glory and honor to my Heavenly Father should be primary in every decision I make.  The world sees my outward appearance and as far as I know, there's no evil to be spoken of in my appearance, but Adonai sees my heart.  The truth of the matter is, the motivation behind my dress and behavior needed an upgrade, a serious upgrade!

Slacks and jeans went by the way side in the mid 90s.  I'm not teaching a doctrine here, simply stating I felt slacks took away from my femininity.  That isn't the case for all women, but it is for me.  Then if there is any weight gain or shift, slacks can become "too tight" very quickly, so broom skirts became my style.  I began wearing "over blouses," first for more color, then for a feeling of security in regard to my bosom, and upper arm . . . well "over 40 upper arm."  I do not believe showing some skin on my arms is a sin, and not all of my over blouses are long sleeved, but they all come close to my elbows.  That's the deal though, it's not about covering for modesty, it's about covering my upper arm sag.  One could say that reason is vanity.  I prefer to think of it as "just good policy."  I do not believe a woman must be covered from chin to ankles, as that sounds a lot like a burqa.  Frumpy attire and a prudish appearance are not necessary to bring glory to Abba.  I don't believe it's a sin to dress attractively; as long as one knows the difference between attractive and provocative . . .

Recently, I got over myself!  I may not have a body like Kate Middleton, but I am a princess, nonetheless; and Mr. B's attitude toward me is his issue, not mine.  I am where I am and "it is what it is."  Married to someone who has rejected my beliefs and my body has not been an easy adjustment, but there really is no sorting it out.  Just because the only man who will ever again see my body naked is the coroner, is a choice that is no longer based upon a poor self-image!  I choose to no longer be ashamed of the body my Creator made for me, but to be modest and chaste to bring glory to my Heavenly Father and walk in the anointing He has purposed for me.  

Are You Done Talking?

That question ran through me like a knife.  I was sitting at the table sobbing over something that I just couldn't come to grips with, when I made the ridiculous mistake of trying to talk to Mr. B about it.  In less than five minutes, staring in abject sullen silence, he suddenly blurted out this question.  "Are you done talking?"  My response was, "Yes."  And out the door he went.  To my sorrow, as always; it was only a temporary disregarding exit, rather than an actual departure.  

In the past two days, it seems our entire relationship has been like a rerun movie playing.  Truth of the matter is, if our relationship was a movie, it would have bombed at the box office, or . . . just landed on the editing room floor.  I've truly thought for years, I'm living the passage in Hebrews 12 about chastisement being unpleasant for a time . . . I'm beginning to sound to myself, like the children of Israel in Egypt.  It may very well be chastisement, as my marital track record was far from stellar.  My big problem in this, however; is the humiliation I feel in this trapped obligation in which I reside.  This is the first time, I've not been able to just take off and call it quits.  I was brought to this land, to this very place, and Mr. B tells me he's here, simply because he has no other place to be, and nothing to do.  I certainly can't argue with that!  He doesn't cook, he's not into housework, and he quit his job before our first anniversary . . .

I have to confess, however; I may have had pride in thinking this was going to be "happily ever after."  I mean, I'd finally "done marriage right," or so I thought.  Although I was divorced, and not just once, I didn't have premarital relations, I knew Abba had told me I was the woman for him, and I do believe in the natural flesh that is true, but I failed to enquire before the marriage, if we were soulmates.   I would strongly urge anyone contemplating matrimony to be sure and ask about being soulmates before saying, "I do."  Eve was Adam's rib, and we all know how that turned out . . . This "woman for him" deal has revealed the sheer horror of who I was in the flesh before becoming a believer.  I am so sorry for the pain I caused, good people.

I didn't realize until remembering back on our failed attempt at physical intimacy, that I had pride in that as well.  When Abba told me I was the right woman for Mr. B, I told Abba, he'd have to put the desire in me then, because I just didn't have it.  There was absolutely NO chemistry!  I simply did not find him physically attractive, but I was mature enough to know there is more to a person that physical appearance.  Imagine the humiliation when I got to hear, he just didn't find me desirable.  So, at least we have that in common . . . Unfortunately, I didn't get to hear that until after the wedding and a honeymoon beyond my worst nightmare.  Now, in looking back, by comparison, the honeymoon doesn't seem so bad.  At least it came to a conclusion . . .

The fact that we find each other less than desirable was sadly made worse by the fact that for the short time this man remained employed . . . that's another horror story; as he actually told "stories about me" like I was some easy/sleazy one night stand.  Knowing his veracity for truth, I doubt they were accurate, but all the worse.  Can you imagine taking your husband his "forgotten" lunch to a break room full of men who had been told "stories?"  I know this to be the case, because Mr. B told me about telling others . . . To make it more painful, I was a minister in the town, with a very well respected reputation, until . . .  Then there was the time, I sat at the dining room table while he drew an illustration about how parts were supposed to "fit."  All I can say about that incident was, "Praise be to G-d, all the thoughts bouncing through my brain did not fly out my mouth."

So, as Mr. B. snarled his question the other day, I realized, "Yes indeed, I'm done talking, as matter of fact, when it comes to any level of interacting, I am simply "done."  In all fairness to him, I have not spent nearly fourteen years suffering in silence.  I spent over three years doing everything I could think of, to get him to want a divorce, but after his surgery and disability, I've tried to keep my comments to a minimum and I've been made painfully aware, my feelings about our situation are irrelevant to his life.  I shake my head, shrug my shoulders, and have now resigned myself to, "It is what it is."  I've truly been matured to choose to focus on my real priorities in life, and as it turns out, finally . . . my priorities are YHWH, following Messiah, and sharing the reason for the hope that is in me to all who ask.  Along with the possibility of chastisement, I'm getting quite the lesson in learning about contentment!

But godliness with contentment is great gain . . . And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.

Sukkot at 57

I'll admit it, I have an RV that has been my sukkah for a few years now.  This year, it wasn't possible in that it is parked in the same pasture Leroy was staying.  Once he came to understand my promise of Psalm 8, he then wanted to be everywhere I was . . . and I just didn't want the Winnebago door to look like the gate, so I pitched a tent at the edge of the north timber.  I've since learned that there are air mattresses that are actually as far off the ground as a regular bed, but I didn't learn that until Sukkot was over.

As I reclined there on my special pile of a pillow mattress, I remembered the story of "the Princess and the Pea."  Well, I didn't actually remember the entire story, just the part about a pea under a pile of mattresses that caused the tender princess to have a back ache.  This princess had a similar experience, only I'm not so tender.  I was only about 4 inches off the ground and it was not a pea, but Ozark rocks.  There was, however; a bed of straw under a tarp, under the tent floor that was supposed to serve as a cushion.  I'm sure the straw did serve as a cushion, but I'm definitely making other arrangements for next year, ALREADY!

Actually plans are already in the works for next year's Feast of Tabernacles.  This princess is beyond excited!  It looks like a gathering is already being organized to take place here in the Land of Goshen.  As a matter of fact, all I will be expected to do is show them where the fire is to be built and share some insight!  I'm already looking forward to this!  If Messiah returns between now and then, we'll move it from Goshen to  Jerusalem, and that will be even better.

I have to admit, this year I also spent one night on the deck . . . The full moon and stars were amazing.  There is more to my confession.  I could not believe how many times I get up in the night . . . so on some nights, by the third trip into the house to use the facilities, I simply crashed on the living room couch, with the front door open, as the dawn broke!  Sukkoting solo does have it's less than stellar moments!  I am believing next year's plans will gain momentum, making this past one, my last solo Sukkot!

A Royal Day

An article entitled "rattled," was already started for this week's edition, with a testimony that began with a rattling from my crown to my soles . . . but that is a testimony for "holy homesteading."  I had the most amazing day yesterday and I just have to share it.  The day, as usual began at evening; I was speaking with a pastor before the mid-week prayer meeting.  I love this gathering in particular.  It's an old fashioned prayer meeting with old songs and great testimonies.

I've been ministering in a church in the next state and they have an "expansion" plan.  Abba has been dealing with me regarding that situation and leading me to offer discipleship for new believers and full covenant relationship with all believers.  The Pastor lit up when I approached him on the subject.  He said he'd tried to put together a couple of discipleship teachings through the years, but things just hadn't worked out.  I was very simple, straightforward, and clear.  I said, I would use the Gospel according to John for the discipleship class, as it explained the plan of salvation, all the feasts, and the importance of obedience.  He nodded, smiled, and said, "It sure does.  Let's get this started in October."  Prayer meeting was a blessing and I headed home.

The morning began as always, prayer and contemplation just before the first hint of dawn.  I've been doing some morning stretches and it felt so good, I kept them up until the phone rang.  It was a gentleman who had called me last week, sounding absolutely broken.  His wife was in the hospital, had been for a few days, and the prognosis was quite grim.  She had some chronic health issues, then was given a medication in which there was a serious, near fatal reaction.  He said the doctors hadn't given him much hope and he wanted to know if I'd pray for her.  So, right then, on the phone, I did.  The next day, I checked with him and he said, they had a long way to go, but she'd made a turn and was heading the right direction.  Praise Abba!  I checked in again the following evening, his sons were there and although it was still serious, he was hopeful.  I continued to pray, but not wanting to intrude on family time, didn't call over the weekend . . . Tuesday morning I checked with him and he said, she was much improved, so much so, the kids had gone back home and to work.  He said they thought she'd be released in a week or so and were making arrangements for her to go to a convalescent center for a couple of weeks to regain her strength.  Every time I spoke with him, I'd mention a "thank G-d" or "HalleluYah" in the conversation.  Now, to the call this morning.  He was ecstatic, his beloved wife had come home Wednesday afternoon.  I was overwhelmed with thankfulness and joy.  In one week, that woman had gone from grave condition on a ventilator to home.  Definitely HalleluYah!!!

The next delight took my be complete surprise.  Someone very dear to me, had asked me for a recipe and as I was retrieving it from an old edition of the Goshen Gazette, I thought I'd just check on Amazon for a copy of my cook book and send a copy of "Sweet Memories and Happy Plates" to her as a gift.  Knowing the book was no longer in print, I wasn't sure if there'd be any more copies available.  Much to my surprise, no more new copies are available, but there is a used copy for a crazy price, which has apparently sold, now.

I certainly couldn't afford it . . . I loaned the computer with that book on it, to one of my daughters, who, after a week said the computer was beyond repair, so it truly is out of print.  Here I thought I'd have to be dead before any of my work was considered collectible!

Just as I was reeling from the joy of the phone call and the price of my "collectible" I had an appointment with newspaper ad department in the neighboring state.  I arrived and was met with a hug from a dear acquaintance of days gone by, then met the ad guy.  He's one of those folk whose last name is also a first name, so I awkwardly made acquaintance and we sat down to discuss the ads.  I handed him my card and the look on his face was simply priceless.  It was obvious that he did not know where to begin.  I then produced the catalogue, stating when I began the business in September 2011, it was going to be 8 kinds of soap, and that's ALL!  So we began sorting, as I wanted two separate ads, anyway.  One for the products and one to speak at youth groups, ladies groups, and churches about using our G-d given talents.  As we continued to sort and make notes, we got it all wrapped up pretty nicely, when he suggested I meet one of the reporters, as there's more to my "story" than will fit in an ad.  She was a delight and we have an appointment for Monday . . . I'll share updates as they come in.

As if this were not just an amazing day, we got home to discovering one of the bulls out and the other one sizing up the gap in the fence.  What could have been a real dilemma resulted in amazingly more than I could have asked or imagined.  Mr. B called the neighbor, and they met at the fence.   We were sure to let him know that our big guy was intact, as his herd is beef stock.    We soon discovered there were several weak spots and I was able to distract the one bull while the fence was reinforced.  I had visions of sitting in the back of a pickup with a feed bucket and a big bull following me through the pasture, but our neighbor, bless his heart, had a much better solution.  He said, "I'll just put him in my trailer and unload him at our adjoining gate.  I load and unload hundreds of cattle a day, this is no big deal."  That's precisely what he did.  The fence is now critter tight and Brisket was back home before dark.

All this took place in less than 24 hours!  I'm still in awe and oh so very thankful.
. . . feeling blessed beyond measure.