Beauty from Ashes

Life hasn't exactly turned out the way I expected it to, or to be truly honest; the way I'd hoped it would.  I struggled with that for a time, I mean struggled, literally with YHWH.  I now walk like Jacob . . . But there is a firm reality within me, that may not have ever come to be, had it all turned out "happily ever after," by our societal standards.

I am truly looking forward to these High Holy Days that are coming up.  I feel like it's going to finally close the door on some old sadness and open the door to some very bright opportunities.  I truly, in my heart of hearts, could not be sorrier for the things I did before I came to YHWH in Y'hshuwah.  I also, could not be more grateful to know I've been forgiven by Him.  

I still remember Him asking me if I was willing to give up everything I thought I knew . . . That was a much bigger question than I realized and my answer, "Yes," was a much bigger statement than I could have possibly realized.  I think, of all the doctrine, I thought was sound, the only three things I still believe are.  1.  Our Creator is Supreme over all, and now I am blessed to know His Name, which is translated in English; YHWH.  2.  His Son did come to show us how to live, and to give Himself for us, that we can be forgiven and follow Him.  3.  He's coming again.

Everything else has changed, and changed dramatically!   I do not believe in OSAS.  I'm not expecting a pretribulation rapture.  I do not believe in being stuck in our sinful mistakes, nor am I expecting YHWH to fix all the mistakes I made before I came to Him.  Some things I did, I simply have acknowledge the mistake, accept the consequences, and let go of the condemnation.  I am reminded many times over of the Patriarchs in my life.

I've already compared my wrestling with the similar results of Jacob.  I am frequently reminded of the number of times Abraham took matters into his own hands.  He lied about his wife, not once but twice, and then we're all familiar with the child outside of G-d's plan . . . While we all like to cling to the promise of Abraham, we sometimes forget the covenant responsibility he carried to be called YHWH's friend.

I've come to accept the fact that I won't be nominated for "Mother of the Year!"   Having gotten an early start as "the Woman at the Well," a loving earthly marriage isn't likely in the plan for me, but I have a wonderful Bridegroom who adores me and is coming back for me!   In accepting the fact that I simply cannot make these matters right.  My effort doesn't even meet societal standards!  But, I've discovered G-d has a different standard.  To earn approval is nice, but to be loved and forgiven is unsurpassed.

I've learned being content in all things, is to experience the beauty; and it's not my job to clean up the ashes!  HalleluYah!

On My Way

I believe our testimonies should be ongoing.  I never enjoyed those, "I remember 25 years ago . . ."  Those testimonies are precious, but we need allow YHWH to provide His people with as many current events as the will of man and love of money is coming up with.  With that being said, I have to share the next portion of the move with a qualifying statement.  With less than 50 miles to go, to complete the entire transaction, cashier's check in hand, I very clearly saw a pillar of cloud.  It was almost due south, just a tad to the west.

Immediately, doubt flooded my mind.  I wasn't doubting G-d, oh no!  I began to entertain the idea that I'd "jumped the gun" and made a wrong decision.  Seriously, after everything that had gone so right, and so blessed, I began to wonder if I'd made a mistake.  I've mentioned before, just how insecure and unsure of myself, I am.  Allowing myself to receive victory to overcome my own inferiority complex and lack of confidence has been quite a journey of surrender for me.  So, here I am in the passenger seat, pointing out the pillar of cloud to my husband.  Just like with the pillar of fire, he had some "explanation" that simply held no logic, so I didn't pursue the conversation any further.

It was then that the reality truly began to kick in for me.  My life was not based upon my confidence in me or in any longer taking the blame, automatically.  I simply spoke to YHWH and stated, if I've missed something or gotten out of order, please stop the direction and momentum.  I don't care what I lose financially, or in a relationship.  I had been praying every step of the way, and truly believe this to have been ordered by my Creator.  Such a peace washed over me.  I remembered a preacher friend of mine, saying, "G-d didn't bring you this far to drop you now."

Little did I realize at the time, even with naming the place EinGedi, which was an oasis, not a destination, that this would be a place of refreshment and further preparation . . .  I had so much to learn, and in His mercy, He was going to allow me a few baby steps.

Now there are homestead blogs all over the internet and Torah Observant groups, but frequently those two don't overlap greatly.  Eight years ago, I didn't have an understanding about milking around resting on Sabbath and the difference between gardens and fields.  I didn't know how to make agrarian offerings, and how to count the herds and flocks as to which ones belong to YHWH.  Oh, I'd read it, but I can attest to this fact. I soon discovered, not only did I need to read and re-read, Torah, I'd still have to consult the Author and need the power of His Great Spirit in the accomplishment of the practical app.  Y'hshuwah gave many agricultural parables, but I had a lot of questions.

I'm so thankful He allowed me to start out small . . .

The Oasis, for a Time

I was so excited to be officially moving!  The terms were arranged and the closing date was set for June 1st.  I headed back on Preparation Day, with even more than Sabbath for which to prepare.  The downside was, we owned four pieces of property that needed to be sold and had owner financed two others.  So, as well as packing to move, there was some serious real estate that needed to move as well.  Although, I now refer to it as the down side, it really wasn't at the time, it was just a matter of seeing what YHWH had planned for tying up the loose ends.  I did need to start packing, though!

I have to admit, I was still wondering if my husband was staying or going, as every time the packing began, he just disappeared to one of the other properties.  The realtors were very quiet, as in very few enquiries.  The month was moving right along, as I was preparing for the deal.  With a holiday at the end of the month, I was so glad to have the extra day . . . then the realtor called.  By the enthusiasm in her voice, I knew whatever the news would be a new hurdle in my progress.  Sure enough, 'she knew how excited we were to close this deal, so she'd taken the opportunity to move it up a day.'  Don't you just love it when people who are clueless make decisions for everyone?  Whoops, that sounds like Congress!

I hadn't told anyone but the realtors with the listings of my plans.  Before leaving for this trek, I'd heard from YHWH that a family member had a problem that was about to be made known, so I hadn't mentioned anything to anyone about this new adventure.  I just kept my nose to the grindstone as there was a lot to get done, by the end of the month.

With the extra day no longer on the table, that meant, YHWH's plan was unfolding differently than I expected.  It was easy to just accept the changes as being truly part of the plan!  With that, I continued on in determining what I'd keep, what I'd sell, and what I'd give away.  All in all, when it was all said and done, one box of books was never accounted for.

There were two CDs that matured toward the end of the month and I knew it would take the hand of YHWH to have that cash without penalty and be at the other end of the state with a Cashier's Check in hand, by early afternoon, the last day of May.  I'm not one to talk about money as blessing very often, but this truly was the hand of YHWH.   The date of maturity on one CD ended up falling on Shabbat, before the Monday holiday, which would have left all the financial arrangements to begin Tuesday morning after 9, with a closing at time of 2:30, over 225 miles away.  I'll admit that made me just a tad nervous for a minute.  Then I set the "fear" aside and asked YHWH what He wanted me to do.  So simple.  He reminded me that the banking day changed at 2 in the afternoon, call and ask if it would be possible . . .

Well, of course, was the response and she wanted to hear all about the big move!  They'd see me Friday afternoon.  Following that conversation, the phone rang.  The realtor wanted to show the properties, all of them.

The Second Contract

As the realtor droned on in my ear about why I had to do all of my real estate transactions through her, I thought of the old Charlie Brown specials when I was a kid.  Remember when the comic strip came to television specials and the adult's voices were a metallic "wha wha . . .wha wha wha wha ?"  That's exactly how she sounded, until . . .

She said, the realtor that knew what she was doing, well that's my description, she simply said the agent from the other office had called and contacted her people.  She was expecting a call from her at any time we could come back to her office and wait.  As tempting as her offer was, I'd have preferred a root canal while waiting, so I told her my husband wanted to look at the place again and asked her politely to please call me when she'd heard from the other realtor.

We went on toward Fairview and I just couldn't understand how he couldn't see the barrenness.  It was only early May and there were already irrigation rigs in the fields.  If there is a little desert in Missouri, it's outside of Newtonia between Stark City and Fairview.  As he drove toward this place, I pointed out that the city limit sign indicated this place was actually in the city limits.  His response was something to the effect of being able to live in a town that was like living in the country . . . best of both worlds sort of statement.  I have to admit, I was certainly seeing it as the worst of both worlds.

I then asked if we could go look at the other place while we waited for the phone call.  He was cordially agreeable.  Before we got there, however; the phone rang.  It was the realtor to which we were legally bound, and it felt like bondage!  She said she'd heard from everyone and would like to discuss our options.

We headed straight to her office, foregoing the run back to the place of the vision.  We entered her office and she began immediately to address the place my husband had chosen.  It truly felt like my brain was bouncing off of the walls of my skull.  I could not believe that even after phone calls, and the other realtor, those facts appeared to be irrelevant.  She proceeded to tell my husband, since the people had just reduced their asking price, she felt they would find an offer of a couple more thousand, acceptable.

I then asked if she'd heard from the other realtor.  She said she had and if we chose to pursue that, she could draw up a contract and the other realtor would take care of renewing the listing.  I knew better than to even ask my question aloud, but "What are we waiting for?" completely reverberated in my head.  I then looked at my husband, and he was just staring.  I presented a simple idea.  We could offer the same amount to these other people.  The realtor immediately reminded me that their asking price was several thousand dollars more and they had allowed their contract to expire, whereas the first contract people were seriously looking to sell.

My thought was, if they were seriously trying to sell, they'd have accepted our cash offer.  That's right, I forgot to mention, we were dealing in cash with this deal, so that meant minimal paperwork for everyone involved would have money in their pocket instantly.  No waiting for loan approval, no sixty day credit checks, no nothing.  It would all be a done deal as soon as the Title Company could process the deed, and set the date.

I smiled at her in what was I'm sure a rather icy dismissive expression and looked at my husband.  I, repeated my suggestion and awaited his response.  There was some attempt at discussion and "what ifs."  My response was simple.  If they don't accept it, we're out nothing and we can then, consider the next move.  With that, the realtor began a new contract and my husband quit thinking up potential problems.  The only change was the address of the property.  Everything else stood as it was on the first contract.  We signed the new contract offer, I didn't even have to write a new check, and got up to leave.

She said, if she heard back before 7 that evening, she'd call us.  I smiled at her and said, she would.  With that we left.  My husband asked if I was ready to go back to the room and wait for the call, but I suggested we go ahead and go look at the place as planned before the call came in.  That was agreeable and we headed out Old Scenic Drive.  Once, outside of town, Old Scenic Drive followed the path of Shoal Creek.  The road was lined with trees, their leaves lush and green from being watered by the creek and I thought of the Scriptures that mention trees planted by streams.

It could not have been more dramatic.  As we rounded the curve right before the drive, the phone rang.  It was the realtor.  The people had accepted our offer!  As we turned into the drive way, this was no longer a real estate listing, this was home.  

                                                                                photo is the finest well house in Newton County
                                                                                                         

The Offer

Just like the first time the urge to jump out, hit me, I ignored it and remained in the moving vehicle.  As I attempted to tune out her religious/real estate advice and her rendition of man and wife, I continued to earnestly listen in my heart.  What I heard was wonderful.  I heard, "This battle is not yours . . ."  With that, my mind stopped racing toward a bad direction.  I can't say I was filled with shalom, but I was definitely aware that there was no confusion in my spirit.

I already knew, I had no argument that was convincing.  The larger piece of land was already fenced and the asking price had been reduced.  The asking price was nearly 20% less than the place I believed I was led to.  So, I sat there as the real estate agent and my spouse drew up the contract.  I did get tickled when my husband raised the question about the crops already in the ground on the place.  The garden was maybe 20 X 30, and there was probably a 25 pound onion crop in the ground, with potatoes and green beans coming up as well.  I think I maintained my "poker face" as I considered this even being mentioned.  That seemed like a potential point of contention that may just cause a negative response.  I was then asked to sign and make out an "earnest money" check.  Oh, I cannot tell you how hard that was.  I still remember all the details of that check!  Trusting YHWH was not the difficulty.   Not getting angry at the two people in the room, that my prayers would be hindered; was my problem.

So, with that being done, we got up to leave, I left a card.  She looked at my card, saw the Star of David with a cross.  With my check in her hand, she was now quite concerned about my salvation.  I'd mentioned being in ministry, had specifically asked about internet access, as that was a large portion of my ministry, and now she had concerns about my eternal soul.  When I started to speak, she "dismissed me" and said she'd be in touch when she heard back from the people.

We went to get some lunch and it wasn't long before the phone rang.  The people had returned the contract with a resounding, "NO."  No counter offer, no nothing, just NO!"  My heart leapt for joy!  Then my husband suggested we go back out and see the place again, before we raise the offer.  I could not believe my ears!  With that, I was done, completely finished with any hope of discussion.  It was very clear that everything I had said about the vision before leaving, and the conversation we had on the way, had meant absolutely nothing to him.  Out to Fairview, we headed again.  I truly believed the vision I had seen was from YHWH, but as always in dealing with that man, I struggled against the seed of doubt trying to plant itself in my spirit.  The words, "Oh, Adonai" escaped my lips.  Between the realtor and the husband, I felt invisible and mute; but my Heavenly Father saw me and my Shepherd Y'hshuwah heard my cry.

It was then, that I clearly heard in my spirit, "Say, Can we call the other realtor and just ask what she thinks the other people's bottom dollar is?"  My spouse's response was simple.  He reminded me that the asking price on the other place was 20% more than the asking price on the place he wanted, and we'd already been turned down.  I took that as, no response to my direct question at all, so I asked again.  He always got disgusted with me when I refused to go on a tangent of his non-answer.  The second time, I got an answer.  "Go ahead and call her."  It was one of those "moments" in that, her office phone number just truly did come to mind.  HalleluYah!  She was very informative, in that she could do nothing.  We were legally bound to the realtor that drew up the contract.  She did say, she'd call her people, though; and mention there had been an enquiry.

Less than ten minutes had passed when the first realtor called me.  She said she'd heard from the other realtor about my call and proceeded to explain to me that she was our buying agent in the area.  I can honestly say, without the presence of YHWH in my life, she would have heard quite an earful, as I sped out of her selling area . . .                                                                    

Help On the Way

The realtor from the listing agency arrived and she was a delight!  She got the door open, knew her stuff and let me look around.  Of course, I already knew this was the place.  It matched the vision, perfectly, well not perfectly, it had even more great details!  Clearly the well and the peach tree(s) were deal makers.  I asked what "Neosho" meant.  It is a Native American term meaning, "place of springs."  The mission I had facilitated in town was "Living Water."

I had mentioned earlier in this account that I knew there was some sort of special issue with the listing or the availability, but I hadn't known what.  So, the realtor I was now stuck with dealing with, not the good one that could actually open the door and answer the questions, but the one that was now legally my sales agent said we'd have to do the paperwork in the morning, but the other agent would let the sellers know, an offer was on the way.  A new contract would be required with the sellers, before an offer to buy could be made, and the not so amazing realtor did not choose to disclose at that time, that she had to get to her real job at Wal-Mart.

Now, here's where this princess gets a little misty and well embarrassed.  I was still not sure if I was going to be moving alone or salvaging a marriage.  As it turned out, neither, but those details are on my secret blog.  Now, back to the waiting.  Went to the Booneslick Lodge to await the morning meeting.  Much to my surprise the next morning, if apt is the opposite of inapt, the less than apt realtor called with another place to show "us."  My undecided partner in civil wedlock was ready to go see the new place.  He said he had "wrestled" all night over that property we had been shown and that was the one, then in a five minute phone call, my world went topsy turvy again.  My heart just sank, but as a dutiful, trying to be submissive wife, I went along, quietly.  I kept in mind, it isn't my world and I prayed, mostly silently, but I prayed.  To be honest, if I'd have said much, I'd have been in tears.

So, out to Fairview we went.  I sat in the back seat as the two of them discuss this place we were heading.  We got there and immediately the term barren came to mind.  There was slightly more land, and it was fenced, but there was no well and no fruit trees, and no fireplace, which I pointed out.  There was a small garden though, that ended up being an issue in the offer, and I chuckle to myself, all these years later as I recollect that day.  So as we looked at it all and got back in her car to head to the office, I suggested we go back to the other place, which she did.  That was the only statement I made in her car and after leaving there, asked only one question.

As we pulled out of the drive to head to town, my question to my spouse was, "You really like that place, don't you?"  After hearing my description of the vision two days prior, he had the audacity to tell me, he liked the other place better and was ready to make an offer.  I had the overwhelming urge to just jump out of the back seat of that car!  That's the second time I'd had that feeling where he was concerned . . . And so I prayed.  I prayed hard!  That's when I found out, our realtor was also a church lady.
                                                                                                           to be continued . . .

The Plan Went South

Upon leaving Peculiar, we went through Harrisonville to Nevada, where I made a couple of calls to realtors, answering machines, but no return calls.  We made Joplin by evening, checked into a micro-tel and of all things, it had a 24 hour local real estate channel!  I had no idea such a thing even existed!

The following morning I called a realtor who was a "former California guy" now well into middle age, "sort of" working at selling real estate in the Ozarks.  It was a most inefficient and unproductive few hours.  So, after quality time with "jamminjim," the e-mail address on his business card, I headed on down 71 highway to the next major exit, Neosho.

We pulled into the very first real estate office I saw, and a very pushy, very new to the business realtor was ready to sell me half the town . . . She spoke of this and spoke of that and mentioned this and mentioned that.  Now, I do have to admit, I had done a bit of searching on realtor.com after seeing the pillar of fire, so I was already aware that what she was pushing did not fit the description of what I'd seen in the vision the morning before.  Nothing on realtor.com had fit that description, either.  No matter how many times I described the simple facts, I knew, she appeared oblivious or unhearing.  I knew if it wasn't available, I wasn't supposed to seek it, as in coveting, but I still knew it wasn't a regular "on the market" situation.  I had no idea how to go about finding "for sale by owner" in a town in which I wasn't familiar.  Then suddenly, her light came on.

There was a property that had run the end of the contract without selling and the couple had not renewed the contract with the listing broker.  Are you ready, "jamminjim" worked for the company that had listed it, over 6 months prior, and he never even mentioned it.  Suddenly pieces were falling into place.  It was a small acreage with a well and a white house.  I didn't push her for fruit tree details, we simply got in her car and headed out Old Scenic Drive!

Not only did I see the long white home, I saw the most amazing wellhouse I'd ever seen.  In front of the house was not one, but two peach trees!  Aside the driveway sat the a pair of blue birds and it couldn't have been any clearer if the sky had opened up to drop banners and confetti!  This was the place YHWH had brought me to.  Now, to just determine how to buy something that was abandoned and no longer for sale.  The problem was, no contract and this new realtor wasn't going to put out any effort in the possibility of not getting her commission.  An immediate difficulty opened the door to the solution.  This realtor couldn't operate the lock box, and had to call the listing realtor who just happened to be with the same company as  jamminjim.                     . . . to be continued