I've had a personal struggle for four weeks that finally has been resolved . . . I think. Last month, I chose to focus on an area of my life that has remained unresolved for several years. That one area is unpleasant and awkward, while most of the rest of my life is fantastic! Obviously, it was a choice of self-pity and I certainly displaced my attitude of gratitude for a time, but Y'hshuwah patiently showed me some simple facts, one being, it was time to get over myself.
By the laws of YHWH, I am a desolate wife. My husband rejected me years ago, but refused to get a divorce . . . Yet, by the laws of the land, I'm still married. Now he's disabled, so I feel very obligated to refrain from filing for divorce myself. That is big in the life of someone who prefers resolution and closure. It was the first week in March, when I found myself replacing 3 boxes of tissues throughout the house, that I finally got tired of my self-pity party. Three boxes of tissues in nearly three weeks is about 200 tissues a week, nearly 30 a day! That's a lot of tissues, a lot of tears, and for what? Something I've known for years. Why it got me this year, I can't really say, but Y'hshuwah reminded me of a couple of things He said nearly 2,000 years ago, and a couple of things He's reminded me of in the past 20 years.
First, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free!" I've heard that, read that, and repeated it for years. As a matter of fact, back in my original e-mail profile, I posted it as "my favorite quote." He then reminded me of the Scripture I "heard," 20 years ago. John 4:18 For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly. The truth is, the guy that promised to love, honor, and cherish me, changed his mind. That's the truth, now, what am I going to do about it?
I chose to be free in the acceptance. The only way an undivorce affects my life, is the way I allow it to. I am free to be the bride of Messiah. I am free to serve YHWH. I am free to work this homestead. I am free to have a business. I am free to be a journalist and writer. I am free to fellowship. I am free to be a part of the five fold ministry. I am even free to establish and host a remnant community. The only thing I am not free to do, I don't want to do anyway. Now how ridiculous was I for those three weeks?
I don't want to reconcile, and I sure don't want to remarry, and I don't want to date or "play house." My life is the way I want it, so why was I so silly? In a word, "Self." I had chosen to focus on the one area I thought was not right, by worldly standards. I know people who are basically happily married to people who do not share their beliefs. I know people who have chosen to move on in relationships without a divorce. I also know folks who have a very blessed relationship and truly believe they are with their soul mate. The point is, the rejection hurt my feelings! I wanted to be free of that hurt, and I thought a legal finality would bind that wound. But Y'hshuwah showed me, an earthly "binding" is not the freedom He offers, and can actually be bondage. When I truly realized I'd been looking at self, I had taken my eyes off of Y'hshuwah, which robbed me of the true understanding of what it is to be free.
When I think of what Y'hshuwah went through for me, I know I truly am loved; and the life our Heavenly Father has bestowed upon me truly is as much freedom as one can possibly have in this world. There is no "I" in the word FREE.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Just Between Us Girls
Seems most any place in America the subject of modesty is being discussed. From social media, religious organizations, local cafes, and kitchen tables, the subject is open for debate, with breasts and cleavage usually being in the forefront. Pardon the pun.
I am rather buxom, and in my heathen days, I did not always dress modestly. I dressed appropriately for work, of course, but showing cleavage through my social hours was certainly not out of the question nor out of the ordinary. I'm not proud of that fact at all and it is something that changed when I became a believer. To be honest, it isn't even that I think I'll cause anyone to lust, it's just a matter of being covered, which brings me to my amazing discovery of this past week.
Monday morning was cold, bitter cold with a little snow on the ground, with a rather sizeable accumulation expected. As I did chores, the biting wind made it obvious that more winter weather was on the way. On days of rain or snow, I try to always have extra gloves with me. Just one grasp of a snowy gate clasp or wet feed barrel can render gloves wet and virtually useless in protection from the elements.
In preparing for Monday morning chores, I inadvertently came across the actual purpose for cleavage. Through the years, my cleavage has been a practical safe keeping for everything from a few extra dollars to tissues to a cell phone, but in all these years of homesteading this recent fact had eluded me, until this past Monday. I had bundled up, with a water repellent cover over my winter chore coat, so pockets were virtually inaccessible. In my haste to get outdoors, I almost forgot a second pair of gloves. When the thought did occur to me, I just grabbed the gloves and stuffed them down the front of my bra. That was much more accessible than trying to find the pockets that were layered under the "bundling up!"
Through chores that cold morning, my gloves did get wet and my hands cold, after a time. When I reached for the second pair of dry gloves, not only were they dry, they were warm. A second pair of gloves in my bra is now part of my winter essentials!
I am rather buxom, and in my heathen days, I did not always dress modestly. I dressed appropriately for work, of course, but showing cleavage through my social hours was certainly not out of the question nor out of the ordinary. I'm not proud of that fact at all and it is something that changed when I became a believer. To be honest, it isn't even that I think I'll cause anyone to lust, it's just a matter of being covered, which brings me to my amazing discovery of this past week.
Monday morning was cold, bitter cold with a little snow on the ground, with a rather sizeable accumulation expected. As I did chores, the biting wind made it obvious that more winter weather was on the way. On days of rain or snow, I try to always have extra gloves with me. Just one grasp of a snowy gate clasp or wet feed barrel can render gloves wet and virtually useless in protection from the elements.
In preparing for Monday morning chores, I inadvertently came across the actual purpose for cleavage. Through the years, my cleavage has been a practical safe keeping for everything from a few extra dollars to tissues to a cell phone, but in all these years of homesteading this recent fact had eluded me, until this past Monday. I had bundled up, with a water repellent cover over my winter chore coat, so pockets were virtually inaccessible. In my haste to get outdoors, I almost forgot a second pair of gloves. When the thought did occur to me, I just grabbed the gloves and stuffed them down the front of my bra. That was much more accessible than trying to find the pockets that were layered under the "bundling up!"
Through chores that cold morning, my gloves did get wet and my hands cold, after a time. When I reached for the second pair of dry gloves, not only were they dry, they were warm. A second pair of gloves in my bra is now part of my winter essentials!
Sunday, March 2, 2014
So Spoiled
Many people comment on how difficult this way of life must be. I'd hardly call this life, difficult. Different from mainstream, yes; but difficult, hardly! This isn't easy to admit, but in coming to understand how far our society is from our Creator's plan, I have to confess, I'm spoiled, spoiled rotten. This perspective is such a blessing in my life.
I don't have trouble falling asleep at night because there is enough physical work to make me tired, and when I awaken in the middle of the night, it isn't insomnia, it's a chance to commune with my Heavenly Father and precious Messiah. It's okay if I'm awake for two or three hours in the night, I don't have to drive to work in rush hour traffic at a specific time. I do have some roosters who get a bit testy about the chicken house door coming open before sunrise, but they just have to wait til dawn. There are goats who voice their insistence that it's time to start the day, when they hear me in the kitchen. Since they have access to food and water, I insist on one cup of coffee and a devotion before I go out. I really don't know how they know, in the winter with the windows closed that I'm stirring, but they do. I have no need for an alarm, it's these sounds of country life to which I awaken.
I am on a first name basis with my UPS man, and he gave me his personal cell number, as well as bringing treats for Hank when making a delivery or picking up my orders to go out. My trips to town are few and far between. Even in the season of garden dormancy, the cellar holds canning jars containing last year's crops. Did you know home grown canned tomatoes actually have more flavor than "fresh tomatoes" in the produce section in winter? I haven't bought anything but butter and cheese when it's on sale, in the dairy section, for nearly a decade, now. Milk and eggs are literally farm fresh, daily. My town purchases consist primarily of dog food, paper products, coffee and wine. I'm working on a coffee substitute and making wine, but neither is perfected yet!
I got rid of my television years before I moved to homesteading, so the fact that cable doesn't come to my neck o' the woods, doesn't matter. My life really doesn't require electronic entertainment, and if it did, I'm sure I could come up with somthing via internet. Even on line, I'd rather read than watch videos. Reading and gardening are among my favorite pass times. And who doesn't love baby animals? The adult animals are just pretty entertaining and interactive, as well. The gifts and interests I have, actually support my lifestyle! What a concept? I love helping people feel better, and the business I've been blessed to start offers exactly that!
So many people think I work very hard to live simply, but it's really just the opposite. In the time it's taken many people just to get their vehicles de-iced and ready to head to work, I've cracked all the stock tanks, checked the critters, and returned indoors to enjoy a nice leisurely cup of coffee. Every day, I get to basically plan my indoor schedule so I can do laundry and have dinner cooking while I'm working, not to mention, clean my house when I take a break to stretch my legs. I don't do any more work than other women, and far less than many, I'm sure; but by working from home, I can overlap so many tasks.
Several years ago while doing some traveling in ministry, I remember the voice of Abba telling me that mission work was not about geography. He gently told me the traveling was a blessing for that time, but my call did not involve physical traveling. I was very active at that time in community ministry, so even as I heard that, I didn't have the understanding of this plan! Now that I'm here doing what I'm doing, I realize I do not have to leave the place to literally take the Good News 'round the world.
I don't have trouble falling asleep at night because there is enough physical work to make me tired, and when I awaken in the middle of the night, it isn't insomnia, it's a chance to commune with my Heavenly Father and precious Messiah. It's okay if I'm awake for two or three hours in the night, I don't have to drive to work in rush hour traffic at a specific time. I do have some roosters who get a bit testy about the chicken house door coming open before sunrise, but they just have to wait til dawn. There are goats who voice their insistence that it's time to start the day, when they hear me in the kitchen. Since they have access to food and water, I insist on one cup of coffee and a devotion before I go out. I really don't know how they know, in the winter with the windows closed that I'm stirring, but they do. I have no need for an alarm, it's these sounds of country life to which I awaken.
I am on a first name basis with my UPS man, and he gave me his personal cell number, as well as bringing treats for Hank when making a delivery or picking up my orders to go out. My trips to town are few and far between. Even in the season of garden dormancy, the cellar holds canning jars containing last year's crops. Did you know home grown canned tomatoes actually have more flavor than "fresh tomatoes" in the produce section in winter? I haven't bought anything but butter and cheese when it's on sale, in the dairy section, for nearly a decade, now. Milk and eggs are literally farm fresh, daily. My town purchases consist primarily of dog food, paper products, coffee and wine. I'm working on a coffee substitute and making wine, but neither is perfected yet!
I got rid of my television years before I moved to homesteading, so the fact that cable doesn't come to my neck o' the woods, doesn't matter. My life really doesn't require electronic entertainment, and if it did, I'm sure I could come up with somthing via internet. Even on line, I'd rather read than watch videos. Reading and gardening are among my favorite pass times. And who doesn't love baby animals? The adult animals are just pretty entertaining and interactive, as well. The gifts and interests I have, actually support my lifestyle! What a concept? I love helping people feel better, and the business I've been blessed to start offers exactly that!
So many people think I work very hard to live simply, but it's really just the opposite. In the time it's taken many people just to get their vehicles de-iced and ready to head to work, I've cracked all the stock tanks, checked the critters, and returned indoors to enjoy a nice leisurely cup of coffee. Every day, I get to basically plan my indoor schedule so I can do laundry and have dinner cooking while I'm working, not to mention, clean my house when I take a break to stretch my legs. I don't do any more work than other women, and far less than many, I'm sure; but by working from home, I can overlap so many tasks.
Several years ago while doing some traveling in ministry, I remember the voice of Abba telling me that mission work was not about geography. He gently told me the traveling was a blessing for that time, but my call did not involve physical traveling. I was very active at that time in community ministry, so even as I heard that, I didn't have the understanding of this plan! Now that I'm here doing what I'm doing, I realize I do not have to leave the place to literally take the Good News 'round the world.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
A Real Woman
We hear so much about what a real man is expected to do, but what is expected in our society from "a real woman." In many ways our society has missed entirely, what it is to be "real!"
Here is the perspective of a peculiar princess as to what it is to be a real woman. A real woman is not idle. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. She is clean and usually neat, dressed efficiently and appropriately, although not necessarily trendy. A real woman is confident without being controlling. A real woman displays self-control, usually . . .
A real woman is not defined by others, but rather seeks the definition of YHWH. A real woman doesn't define her man, either. Many women, it seems, and I know there are deniers across the board, but many women explain proper roles of the household to their men. If a woman tells a man how the household is supposed to run and what his responsibility is, she's the head of the household. I know I've been in the situation in which, I've heard myself saying, "The man does ________ , I'm supposed to be the helpmeet." I can tell you from experience, that doesn't work . . . at least not well. If the roles are determined by the woman, the relationship order is still out of order.
A real woman offers comfort without enabling, nurtures without mollycoddling, and offers honest encouragement, not false praise or harsh criticism. A real woman can manage a budget and that task is often deferred to her. The reality is, the man is often the primary breadwinner, and the woman most often more aware of household expenses. Proverbs 31:10 says it this way, and I do believe this pertains to household financial management. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
A real woman knows she would be disappointed in herself, if vanity superseded character. A real woman desires to walk in virtue and integrity. A real woman also knows, she doesn't always get it right!
Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that fears YHWH, she shall be praised.
Here is the perspective of a peculiar princess as to what it is to be a real woman. A real woman is not idle. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. She is clean and usually neat, dressed efficiently and appropriately, although not necessarily trendy. A real woman is confident without being controlling. A real woman displays self-control, usually . . .
A real woman is not defined by others, but rather seeks the definition of YHWH. A real woman doesn't define her man, either. Many women, it seems, and I know there are deniers across the board, but many women explain proper roles of the household to their men. If a woman tells a man how the household is supposed to run and what his responsibility is, she's the head of the household. I know I've been in the situation in which, I've heard myself saying, "The man does ________ , I'm supposed to be the helpmeet." I can tell you from experience, that doesn't work . . . at least not well. If the roles are determined by the woman, the relationship order is still out of order.
A real woman offers comfort without enabling, nurtures without mollycoddling, and offers honest encouragement, not false praise or harsh criticism. A real woman can manage a budget and that task is often deferred to her. The reality is, the man is often the primary breadwinner, and the woman most often more aware of household expenses. Proverbs 31:10 says it this way, and I do believe this pertains to household financial management. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
A real woman knows she would be disappointed in herself, if vanity superseded character. A real woman desires to walk in virtue and integrity. A real woman also knows, she doesn't always get it right!
Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that fears YHWH, she shall be praised.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Sharing Portions
Now that I'm not in town in the Mission with children in and out regularly, I find I'm not as interested in baking various goods to "share portions" around the neighborhood. I'm not experiencing that momentary Elijah syndrome, as I know I'm not "the only one;" but I haven't run across any Torah observers for miles around. This year, I just wasn't in the mood to bake breads and cakes to distribute, while receiving the extra bonus of hearing a "NT only" sermon.
I prayed about that before Purim, as in this isolation, I do not want to become calloused and closed off. Our Heavenly Father is amazing, simply, amazing. As I was making some changes in the online store and preparing orders this week, questions began to literally pour in. It was an opportunity to share a new kind of "portions" and see the rest of this verse. The Jews of the villages sent portions to one another. It wasn't an outreach event at all! It was a celebration amongst like minded individuals.
Therefore the Jews of the villages, that dwelt in the unwalled towns, made the fourteenth day of the month Adar a day of gladness and feasting, and a good day, and of sending portions one to another. Esther 9:19
Interesting, isn't it, how we can read the same passages year after year, and suddenly, see something we've never seen before? Ideas for next Purim are already stirring. If the internet continues to serve as a means to connect fellow servants, we have an opportunity that Elijah and Obadiah's prophets in the cave didn't have. Knowing at some point the internet probably won't be available, we have the blessing of knowing others are out there and who knows, there will hopefully be time for some of us to gather in various locations to fellowship in person.
Esther 4:14 has been a responsibility for years, and one I've taken seriously. Since I'm not exactly the image of a Princess, it's been such a blessing knowing my birthday on the Hebrew calendar is actually mentioned in Esther, several times. Now to see this celebration of Purim, in new light and to be able to celebrate in a new way, has been such a blessing.
I prayed about that before Purim, as in this isolation, I do not want to become calloused and closed off. Our Heavenly Father is amazing, simply, amazing. As I was making some changes in the online store and preparing orders this week, questions began to literally pour in. It was an opportunity to share a new kind of "portions" and see the rest of this verse. The Jews of the villages sent portions to one another. It wasn't an outreach event at all! It was a celebration amongst like minded individuals.
Therefore the Jews of the villages, that dwelt in the unwalled towns, made the fourteenth day of the month Adar a day of gladness and feasting, and a good day, and of sending portions one to another. Esther 9:19
Interesting, isn't it, how we can read the same passages year after year, and suddenly, see something we've never seen before? Ideas for next Purim are already stirring. If the internet continues to serve as a means to connect fellow servants, we have an opportunity that Elijah and Obadiah's prophets in the cave didn't have. Knowing at some point the internet probably won't be available, we have the blessing of knowing others are out there and who knows, there will hopefully be time for some of us to gather in various locations to fellowship in person.
Esther 4:14 has been a responsibility for years, and one I've taken seriously. Since I'm not exactly the image of a Princess, it's been such a blessing knowing my birthday on the Hebrew calendar is actually mentioned in Esther, several times. Now to see this celebration of Purim, in new light and to be able to celebrate in a new way, has been such a blessing.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Polish Your Tiara!
I have to admit, I get a bit excited about Purim, regardless of all the teachings by the "johnny come latelies." Purim is in the book of Esther and although it isn't included in the High Holy Days or Feast Days as some call them, it is Scripture and my birthday on the Hebrew calendar is mentioned more than once in this book of Esther. I really do not understand why the latest gnat straining teaches against celebrating Purim.
Granted, the event begins rather grizzly on the 13th, but what's wrong with the feasting and sharing portions? I realize there are many extras that have been added, like costumes and revelry. I can't help but wonder if this isn't where the Catholics got their Mardi Gras, yet I digress . . .
When I was running the mission in town, of course we read the book of Esther with groggers sounding. Then the children would each gather baked snacks or candy and share them with the surrounding neighbors. And oh, we made crowns, of course. Esther was a queen. What's wrong with having a few celebrations that are not exactly somber, not commanded, but not forbidden.
Jeremiah 10 tells us we are not to take on the traditions of the heathen. Purim is a festival of the people of YHWH. No other people have cause for such celebration. I get a bit discouraged when I see how rigid some folks insist we become to be the people of Elohim. As these end of days unfold, I think it's going to be very encouraging to celebrate the protection and victory of the people of YHWH through Chanukkah and Purim.
Meanwhile, my Purim tiara was lost in my last move, but that won't stop me from having a princess day and making some treats to share with the neighbors!
Granted, the event begins rather grizzly on the 13th, but what's wrong with the feasting and sharing portions? I realize there are many extras that have been added, like costumes and revelry. I can't help but wonder if this isn't where the Catholics got their Mardi Gras, yet I digress . . .
When I was running the mission in town, of course we read the book of Esther with groggers sounding. Then the children would each gather baked snacks or candy and share them with the surrounding neighbors. And oh, we made crowns, of course. Esther was a queen. What's wrong with having a few celebrations that are not exactly somber, not commanded, but not forbidden.
Jeremiah 10 tells us we are not to take on the traditions of the heathen. Purim is a festival of the people of YHWH. No other people have cause for such celebration. I get a bit discouraged when I see how rigid some folks insist we become to be the people of Elohim. As these end of days unfold, I think it's going to be very encouraging to celebrate the protection and victory of the people of YHWH through Chanukkah and Purim.
Meanwhile, my Purim tiara was lost in my last move, but that won't stop me from having a princess day and making some treats to share with the neighbors!
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Beauty
If you've been led to believe you are not beautiful, put away what you have been told! Turn that tape OFF! This is not to encourage vanity, but rather to appreciate our Creator's perspective. I grew up with an inferiority complex that was larger than life. My parents did the best they could, but they were just kids themselves when I came along, so . . . Not only did they lack the maturity in parenting skills, but the fact that I was a truly odd duck, didn't help. By the age of three, I remember very clearly, praying, asking G-d to make me invisible. The self-consciousness expanded exponentially, once I realized the answer to that prayer was, "No."
I was four years old in this picture, and I'd already been given the concept that I was overweight. I did not have a similar pigment to any other child I knew, and I was a tall kid who rarely looked up. Then there were all the comments I overheard, made by family members regarding my being left-handed. I was so nervous about doing something wrong, I didn't even drop the flower petals at this wedding. I'm sure you can imagine what ensued from there. Hearing the sniggers in the crowd, I naturally assumed they were laughing AT me. I stood motionless, or as best I could for all the photos that followed, and of all things, I had to stand in the front, right in front, of the new couple . . . It would be 50 years before I would be comfortable enough to sit in front of a camera. Oh, I'm in plenty of pictures, but it's very clear, it's not my choice to be in front of the camera. If I was looking at the camera, it always captured my "self-conscious need to flee." If the photo was a candid shot, which many were, I had a ridiculous expression, or my underwear was showing, or something that didn't really need to be captured for time in memorial. When I saw the camera come out, I literally looked for the exit.
I tried to come out of my shell for a time in my late teens and early twenties, but that was a catastrophe, a complete and utter catastrophe. It was then that I got the idea to abuse myself with caffeine, nicotine, and herbal stimulants. I became unnaturally thin and self-deprecating humor became my style. I felt if I was putting myself down, I was at least beating everyone else to the punch. I still couldn't see who our Creator had made me to be and even worse than that, I was disrespecting Him, by rejecting the way He'd made me. It was as if I was judging G-d, Himself. Yet, He still loved me. When I did come to Him at the age of 36, the victory over this issue didn't happen instantly. It would be nearly two more decades before I would include a photo of myself.
I loved writing, and I didn't need my image on a book to get the message out. My first webpage went live in 2001, then in 2006 there was EinGedi.us. Even when I moved and established the Land of Goshen, I never considered including my photograph. I had a radio show for some time, and that was perfect. I could get the message out, speak with people, and remain unseen. When my friend offered to create a logo and illustrate the home page, he insisted that he add a photo of me. Reluctantly, I finally agreed, but asked him if he could draw an image rather than use a photograph. It was in seeing my caricature, that I finally accepted me. In seeing everything I'd always been self-conscious about, exaggerated . . . something just clicked in my perspective. Self-consciousness is a convoluted form of vanity that serves no one.
YHWH doesn't create mistakes and He doesn't make anything or anyone ugly, and I've included a video of a young man who happens to agree with me.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151596857991831&set=vb.110153655727666&type=2&theater
I tried to come out of my shell for a time in my late teens and early twenties, but that was a catastrophe, a complete and utter catastrophe. It was then that I got the idea to abuse myself with caffeine, nicotine, and herbal stimulants. I became unnaturally thin and self-deprecating humor became my style. I felt if I was putting myself down, I was at least beating everyone else to the punch. I still couldn't see who our Creator had made me to be and even worse than that, I was disrespecting Him, by rejecting the way He'd made me. It was as if I was judging G-d, Himself. Yet, He still loved me. When I did come to Him at the age of 36, the victory over this issue didn't happen instantly. It would be nearly two more decades before I would include a photo of myself.
I loved writing, and I didn't need my image on a book to get the message out. My first webpage went live in 2001, then in 2006 there was EinGedi.us. Even when I moved and established the Land of Goshen, I never considered including my photograph. I had a radio show for some time, and that was perfect. I could get the message out, speak with people, and remain unseen. When my friend offered to create a logo and illustrate the home page, he insisted that he add a photo of me. Reluctantly, I finally agreed, but asked him if he could draw an image rather than use a photograph. It was in seeing my caricature, that I finally accepted me. In seeing everything I'd always been self-conscious about, exaggerated . . . something just clicked in my perspective. Self-consciousness is a convoluted form of vanity that serves no one.
YHWH doesn't create mistakes and He doesn't make anything or anyone ugly, and I've included a video of a young man who happens to agree with me.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151596857991831&set=vb.110153655727666&type=2&theater
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