Freedom Beyond Self

I've had a personal struggle for four weeks that finally has been resolved . . . I think.  Last month, I chose to focus on an area of my life that has remained unresolved for several years.   That one area is unpleasant and awkward, while most of the rest of my life is fantastic!  Obviously, it was a choice of self-pity and I certainly displaced my attitude of gratitude for a time, but Y'hshuwah patiently showed me some simple facts, one being, it was time to get over myself.

By the laws of YHWH, I am a desolate wife.  My husband rejected me years ago, but refused to get a divorce  . . . Yet, by the laws of the land, I'm still married.  Now he's disabled, so I feel very obligated to refrain from filing for divorce myself.  That is big in the life of someone who prefers resolution and closure.  It was the first week in March, when I found myself replacing 3 boxes of tissues throughout the house, that I finally got tired of my self-pity party.  Three boxes of tissues in nearly three weeks is about 200 tissues a week, nearly 30 a day!  That's a lot of tissues, a lot of tears, and for what?  Something I've known for years.  Why it got me this year, I can't really say, but Y'hshuwah reminded me of a couple of things He said nearly 2,000 years ago, and a couple of things He's reminded me of in the past 20 years.

First, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free!"  I've heard that, read that, and repeated it for years.  As a matter of fact, back in my original e-mail profile, I posted it as "my favorite quote."  He then reminded me of the Scripture I "heard," 20 years ago.  John 4:18 For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly.  The truth is, the guy that promised to love, honor, and cherish me, changed his mind.  That's the truth, now, what am I going to do about it?

I chose to be free in the acceptance.  The only way an undivorce affects my life, is the way I allow it to.  I am free to be the bride of Messiah.  I am free to serve YHWH.  I am free to work this homestead.  I am free to have a business.  I am free to be a journalist and writer.  I am free to fellowship.  I am free to be a part of the five fold ministry.  I am even free to establish and host a remnant community.  The only thing I am not free to do, I don't want to do anyway.  Now how ridiculous was I for those three weeks?

I don't want to reconcile, and I sure don't want to remarry, and I don't want to date or "play house."   My life is the way I want it, so why was I so silly?  In a word, "Self."  I had chosen to focus on the one area I thought was not right, by worldly standards.  I know people who are basically happily married to people who do not share their beliefs.  I know people who have chosen to move on in relationships without a divorce.  I also know folks who have a very blessed relationship and truly believe they are with their soul mate.  The point is, the rejection hurt my feelings!  I wanted to be free of that hurt, and I thought a legal finality would bind that wound.  But Y'hshuwah showed me, an earthly "binding" is not the freedom He offers, and can actually be bondage.  When I truly realized I'd been looking at self, I had taken my eyes off of Y'hshuwah, which robbed me of the true understanding of what it is to be free.

When I think of what Y'hshuwah went through for me, I know I truly am loved; and the life our Heavenly Father has bestowed upon me truly is as much freedom as one can possibly have in this world.  There is no "I" in the word FREE.