Bitter Sweet Acceptance

Last week I spoke of beauty from ashes, and I am very grateful for the opportunity to be a daughter of the King, but I've gained a fuller perspective.

As a young girl, I used to cry out to G-d at night.  I wanted to be all the things I wasn't.  I didn't want to be so different from other kids, and I wanted to be grown.  I did well in school, scholastically, but not socially.  I was different, but I didn't understand the gravity or the blessing of that difference until recently, very recently.  I remember being called horrible names at school.  I was even slapped and hit.  I told my mom, but she didn't think anything should be said, so I said nothing at school, and nothing more at home about it.

I remember as desegregation took place, I thought I would finally not be so different, but I was wrong again. I was brown, which meant I wasn't white and I wasn't black and so the comments and the exclusion didn't stop.  Then I met Messiah, but only met Him, I wasn't yet following Him.  I did learn to be religious, though; and in a strange sort of way, that made the feeling of being so different, somehow, less painful for awhile.

I was a good student, so I hid myself in my studies and my religious beliefs.  I didn't know of the real relationship with Messiah that was possible or the indwelling of the Great Spirit of our Creator, so I struggled and I tried for a time, and then I simply gave up.  The day, I realized YHWH still loved me, and introduced to me the concept of an actual relationship, my life was changed forever . . .  but also, in some ways, I'm still who I was.  For a time I thought it was my lack of surrender or spiritual immaturity, but it was my understanding that was flawed.  My uniqueness and my social awkwardness is a gift.

I'm friendly, but I am still socially awkward, and so are a number of young people.  Many people lack the self-confidence this society promotes, and that is not necessarily a bad thing for those of us who do lack.  We are promised the strength of YHWH in our weakness and I've been blessed to experience that, but more importantly, YHWH has used my weakness to demonstrate His strength.

My granddaughter who has visited has CP.  She's mildly affected, but it is noticeable.  Clearly, kids being what they are, just small humans, are not always gracious in their treatment of her.  These are different times in which we live, and her skin tone is much lighter than mine, but her uniqueness also draws sometimes negative attention.  She refers to herself as an "outcast."  I was able to hear the things she was saying and to offer her comfort in the things she must face.  I'm very proud of my grandchildren.  I greatly enjoyed her visit, and I am literally thankful that I know what it's like to be what she calls an "outcast."