More Than I Could Handle

Here I am, finally getting a bit comfortable in my own skin, and settling in on a Daniel diet to hear "great things" from On High when "all hell breaks loose" on a personal front.  Isn't that just the way it goes?  What's a peculiar princess to do?  Let me tell you what this one did.

I responded as best I could to the crisis phone calls and PMs.  I listened and/or read.  I gave some simple advice, and with that I should qualify the statement to mean generic, as in:  Stay safe, don't make any major decisions in panic, get some advice in this area, that sort of thing.  I knew no one was listening at this point, only in search of someone who would offer sympathy and maybe help find a place to lay blame.  I asked a few questions as to the stability of the situation and with that, I knew that's all I knew.  That's all I could do, at that time.  This crisis was out of my control and even though I'm sure someone will be able to find a way that I should have done more or even caused the problem, I knew the truth, and the matter was out of my hands.  Except to be a sounding board, this matter was not even my responsibility.  This fact served as an even greater reason to make sure I stayed within the proper boundaries.

I finished up my day's responsibilities and prepared to head to bed early.  Not only did I need to cry on my couch before Adonai, as David had, but the news was exhausting and the issue of the conversation was beyond vexing.  I knew, I was not fit for polite society, and that included phone and computer.  I needed to be alone with Abba.  Even when I'm not fit for polite society, my Heavenly Father still loves me.  Messiah still advocates on my behalf.

That old saying, "G-d won't give us more than we can handle . . ."  Well it's just an old saying, it's not Scripture.  We are promised to not be tempted beyond what Messiah was tempted, and we will be provided a way out.  We are promised that He will bear our burden, but we're not promised that the burden won't be heavy!  And nowhere does it say, He'll take it away from us.  We have to trust it to Him.  Think about this for a minute.  If we could handle everything that came at us, would we ever seek our Heavenly Father?  If we could handle everything that lands on us, wouldn't we be trusting ourselves?

I've done that in the past and even when I didn't trust a matter to G-d, there were things that were certainly too much for me to handle!  I was just too blind to see it.  Not this time!  This time, I saw the truth for what it was and it was more than I could handle!  So, I had to get to my prayer closet and tell Abba.  I had to talk to Y'hshuwah before I communicated with any other human being!   I went in my room to weep on my couch.  Our merciful Heavenly Father is so gracious to allow us to cry our eyes out and hear our heart's cry.  It was then that I heard Messiah, ask, "Are you willing to be busy about our Father's business?"  "Of course I am," was my weary and tearful, but heartfelt response.

It was then that I understood so simply.  We cannot carry our burdens and receive what we are to share.  We cannot offer our own ideas and interpretation, when YHWH has the actual plan and truth!  We cannot haul the heaviness of the past or of accusations and offer the hope of our Creator's plan for a future.  If we are not walking in the Light, what would we possibly be able to offer as an answer for the reason of the hope in us.  Burdens are not blessings and we cannot carry them around and share them as though they are!   Taking that time in my prayer closet has made all the difference for me and for my understanding of my Father's business in this situation.

Liking Myself

I'm not going new age pseudo psychology here, and my vanity is pretty much retired.  I'm talking about liking the improvements my Heavenly Father has brought in me, and liking the differences that have come about by following Messiah.

I'm so much more practical in my perspective when it comes to this physical realm, because I've come to a greater understanding of just how tangible the spiritual realm truly is!  I am finally finished trying to be a perfect size 5 . . . HalleluYah!  That was never a practical goal, anyway; and the one time in my life I could wear a size 4 - 5 skirt, the blouses and blazers weren't there anyway . . . But more importantly than that, I made some very unhealthy choices to maintain that size.  Coffee and cigarettes are not proper nutrition!   To be healthy is what YHWH created me to be, and healthy truly does come in various shapes and sizes.  Healthy is about diet, exercise, and rest, not tape measures and clothing tags.  I like myself better when I'm not obsessing.

I was talking with a friend the other day, and we both mentioned the fact that this cold snow and ice can be slippery.  As we talked, I realized, my biggest concern about falling is no longer, who might see me, or embarrassment in the retelling.  I have two new biggest concerns about falling.  Those are, one, to get back up, and two, preferably all in one piece.  I like myself better when I'm not in severe pain.

The best improvement I think I've noticed is not being concerned with what others think.  Oh, now, I want to be a good witness for Messiah.  I'm not talking about other's opinions being insignificant, but rather; they just don't change mine.  For example, I no longer have to be in a relationship that shares mutual emotions.  If someone doesn't approve of my choices or thinks I'm a bit off, I can still love them.  If someone is having a bad day, I don't have to take it as a personal attack.  If someone doesn't see things the way I do, it doesn't mean I'm wrong!  I like myself better when I have confidence.

I spent a number of years not liking myself very much and I'm very thankful that Messiah loves me enough to die for me, and my Heavenly Father loves me enough to change me.  Since there is still room for improvement, I'm looking forward to see more of what He has in mind.  I like myself better when I know I'm doing what pleases Adonai.

Celebrating Not Celebrating

I felt almost self-centered and guilty, this past Wednesday.  To be honest, it wasn't just "an ordinary day" for me like so many claimed for them.  Wednesday is the day I usually tend to town business, so even though I don't observe the man-made traditions of our culture, it really was still a "holiday" for me, in that it was not my ordinary Wednesday.   I couldn't conduct business as usual last Wednesday and I felt a bit irresponsible at first . . . Then I got this wild idea to simply enjoy the freedom!

One of my main character flaws has always been a strong feeling of guilt and responsibility.  That's been one of the most difficult things for me to overcome.  Guilt just comes so naturally for me, but Romans 8:1 is pretty clear that I am to stop entertaining that "self-focused" fleshly attitude.  That isn't permission to act like I have no conscience of course, just stop feeling so stinking guilty!  I was raised to be very awkward and dysfunctional so, technically, I am a success!  Seriously though, I found myself feeling a bit at a loss Wednesday, in being responsibility free.

I've been out of man-made mainstream traditions for so long, my Grandchildren have never seen a television or holiday tree in my home, so I'm not faced with the family pressure many are this time of year, as they come out from among them and are separate.  It did take one of my daughters making a complete mockery of Hanukkah for me to stop some of those traditions, but that was also quite freeing.  I still light candles on what some of the self-proclaiming rabbis are saying are wrong menorahs, but they don't come to my home to celebrate, anyway.  One of my daughters managed to get here for some of Hanukkah and that was such a sweet time of just enjoying the specialness of how great our G-d is.

One of my favorite memories will be how we had started the Hanukkah CD as we headed to the dining area, but were side tracked momentarily.  By the time we were gathered round the table, the track containing the prayers was beginning.  That had such special timing and meaning, we timed it to synchronize the rest of the week.

There are many things I've taught my children and grandchildren that are not doctrine and no more than family traditions, but I don't believe all traditions are pagan.  Music and food are wonderful ways for children of all ages to learn and remember.   I hope to have a family gathering soon for Hanukkah in which we all are gathered round the table to sing the prayers right along with the CD.  I've enjoyed Shabbat dinners with my grandchildren in the spring when the eggs are abundant, in which we bake an angel food cake, and discuss Psalm 78, specifically verse 25.

I chose to not celebrate "not celebrating" last Wednesday, but rather chose to celebrate the freedom of no business trip to town with "working on a project" that has been on a back burner for awhile.  It was not to abolish Torah that Messiah came, but really did come to set us free of the requirements and guilt of humanity!
Blotting out the handwriting of ordinances that was against us, which was contrary to us, and took it out of the way, nailing it to his cross;  the writings of Paul in Colossians 2:14

Sin in a Hot Bath

Realizing the title sounds rather questionable, I'll begin right away by saying this is a parable.   I Corinthians 6:19 came to my spirit after this incident and although it certainly isn't the same temptation for all of us, I am led to believe we can all relate in some way.

For many, a hot bath is a relaxing way to ease tension, relax, wash the hectic day away, and get clean all at the same time.  For someone with MS, it can be a very unhealthy endeavor, and as a child of YHWH, my body is not my own.  Back when I still thought I could have faith in G-d and medicine, I was diagnosed with MS.  One of the first things the doctor told me was no hot baths.  I've been pretty conscientious about that for years, but a couple of weeks ago, in our unseasonably cool, cold spell, I just couldn't get warm.  So, I decided just one little "warm" bath wouldn't hurt.  Compromise really is the threshold to sin.

I'm sure you can guess what happened next.  I got used to the temperature, but it didn't really feel warm, so I added more hot water.  This can be dangerous for a person with nervous system issues, but the danger didn't even enter my head.  The only thought that entered my head was one of instant pleasure.  I had a good book to read, so just leave that hot water trickling on into the tub . . .  By the time it dawned upon me what I was really doing to my body, it was almost too late to have the strength to get out.  The hot water had so weakened me.  Sin always leaves us in a weakened condition . . .

Just like any sin we toy with in our lives, the effects can be lingering.  Even a couple of weeks later, and after several regular showers, some of the effects of that bad choice continue to serve as reminders.  That's the way it is with sin in our lives.  It's so easy to give up the "big sins," it's the little compromises that we justify, that end up causing the problems.  The little things that aren't really so bad, they just aren't good . . .  the little foxes, that spoil the vines . . .

What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of G-d, and ye are not your own?  For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify G-d in your body, and in your spirit, which are G-d's.

4F

According to Wikipedia, 4F, Is a military classification under the United States' Selective Service System for candidates found to be unfit for military service after formal examination by the Entrance Processing Command

I've never been in the military, but I'm sure, not only am I too old, I would be 4F.  According to even my definition, I'm 4F, which is full figured and fifty-five.  I've been doing some thinking about health and life expectancy and mandated health insurance, and after last Wednesday, I've made a few decisions.  I am absolutely certain I do not want any medical intervention in the form of health care, so I'll pay the tax.  I can't expect my Heavenly Father to take care of my health, if I don't do what I can to take care of my body.  That means exercise and a healthy kosher diet.  It also means, less stress, more rest, and more Bible time.

The other day, not the day of my "spells" but the day after, really got me thinking.  First, at 55 with a history of heart attacks in the men in my family, not to mention my fullness of figure, I'm guessing I would have been quite the test patient in the ER.  Add to my age and history, an MS diagnosis and the fact that I have not been seen by a doctor since before 9/11.   I'm guessing I'd have at least spent the night in ICU with all sorts of tubes and wires.  The next morning, if I'd have awakened, there would undoubtedly have been a plethora of tests scheduled and a myriad of specialists to see.  Knowing about King Asa, I may not have awakened had I sought physicians, rather than YHWH, but if I had, I cannot imagine the battery of tests and procedures planned.

As that Thursday continued to unfold, with no further symptoms, I gave thanks that fear of death is really not a part of my life.  I also realized a great confidence in just paying the mandated tax.  Medicare tax is figured out of my income, and I don't use that either, so I really don't see any difference.  

I am not a doctor and I don't play one on TV but I was able to piece together an incident that may have contributed to my situation that Wednesday.  Monday afternoon, I had taken an Epsom Salts bath and used it with conditioner.  Our skin is our largest organ and it does absorb into our blood stream that which is rubbed on or added to a bath.  I even posted my trauma about the hair incident, but as I read about magnesium sulfate, it could be I simply had overdone in the bath tub as well.  

I am grateful to have been shown what I saw this week and very thankful that I didn't make the choice King Asa made.  I don't want to stand before my Maker because I lacked faith, I want to stand before Him because my numbered days are accomplished and it's time to clock out and go home!

Marital Advice

I don't usually offer marital advice, as I am more the embodiment of an "horrible warning!"  When it comes to discussing relationships, I really have nothing to bring to the table.  Recently, it has occurred to me, many others are also in the same situation or doubting themselves and so I feel compelled to share what I do know.

I determined years ago that I really did not want to grow up and be like my mother.  I love my mom, but I'm not like her and everyone she did compare me to, she didn't like so much, so . . . Then there was the whole project of tearing down my self-esteem so I wouldn't be vain, or that's what she said.  Sadly, I think it made me much more focused on my appearance, but extremely awkward and inferior about it.  So, when someone treated me like I was pretty, I thought I better keep that guy around!  I wasn't walking with G-d through most of my marital calamities, but thankfully most of the men were good men . . . not G-dly men, but men with good jobs and with the exception of two, were not abusive.

Through the years of serving G-d, I've come to learn a bit about myself.  I am not the average feminine woman, and that's okay, I'm not a feminist either.  I am a woman who really is not defined by my sexuality.  I am simply a child of Elohim.  If a gender definition is required, I would call myself a platonic heterosexual, which suits me perfectly.  I wish I'd realized this several years and several marriages ago . . . I believe there are many people of both genders who would truly prefer companionship or friendship over romance, but the problem arises when individuals try to live up to social expectations.  Our society still has a number of gender specific rules that really do not align with G-d's Word at all, but rather have originated in movies and psychology class.

I think Biblical marriage sounds awesome, but our society doesn't really adhere to that concept, and the Bible doesn't support a woman leading a husband, so I am honest enough to say, I don't know how it's done.  I do know, how it's not done!   In reading the Biblical accounts of marriage and relationships, there is strong indication that these Biblical couples did not spend every spare moment together.  Actually, our society affords more spare moments than Biblical days, and that may be to the detriment of what could be good relationships.  With casual dating and instant credit, building a life together isn't really how things are done anymore!

The main point I want to make in this is that being single does not mean dating or martial failure, it may simply mean single success.  When someone is single, it doesn't mean they haven't "found" their soul mate, it could simply mean they are single.  I know for a fact, there are many marriages that take place between people who are not soul mates.  In my humble opinion, and that's all it is, a partner on the same path would be the foundation for a good relationship.  Young people going the same direction, or more mature individuals who are already established in the same lifestyle would appear to have the best chances of a successful marriage.

Some people are a perfect fit, not perfect; but perfect for each other, and I applaud them.  Others of us may not be part of a pair, and that is not failure.  People are successful when they are obedient to G-d's plan for their lives, and He is the one who sets the standard for what is success.

Social Media

Thanks to social media, many personality disorders now seem to be elevated to self-proclaimed virtue and pious authority.  Before social media, there were a few taboo subjects that folks avoided or at least chose to let pass without comment, but no more.  It seems everything requires comment, and frequently, correction.

In this revelation, I must admit I was guilty last year of taking the bait a couple of times and staying in a discussion longer than need be to arrive at a ridiculous dead end, feeling rather foolish.  It was just shortly after the first of 2013 I realized how similar social media seemed to dysfunctional family gatherings.  It's amazing how many teachers, pastors, rabbis, and Bible scholars there are, who are just entirely too knowledgeable to participate in any level of discussion amongst piers.  Not to leave out experts in ares of non-religious fields, because I've seen that too, but most of my discussion attempts on social media are of a spiritual topic, with overtones of current events.

We all believe we have valuable information to contribute, but it really doesn't take long to realize, three things.  Some folks just need to be heard, some folks really believe everyone needs to hear them, and the one with the last word is not necessarily right.

Many of us participating in social media are not terribly successful, socially; which could account for the amount of time available for social media.  While others are quite sociable and have expanded their social skills and success to yet another venue.  I truly admire those folk of social ease!  I know for myself, I am not terribly at ease in social settings.  When in social settings, I find myself very conscious of the potential to place my foot in my mouth.  I pray a lot before attending any gathering.

Internet social media with a delete button has taken some of the edge off my anxiety.  I prefer to be able to see my thoughts outside of my head before my words become airborne, never again to be regathered.  Even in proof reading, I still manage typos and awkward expression, but for the most part, I've learned to just avoid the discussions in which some folks prefer to be offended.

It seems, social media is one more venue, in which we humans find folks of similar interests and beliefs, as well as folks we don't, and in true human form, we behave the same way on line as we do on the telephone or in any social setting.  We all have people we prefer and people we don't.  As a believer, I do very much want to love everybody, but liking them is an entirely different matter.