Saturday, May 4, 2013

A Realization About Myself

I think our society has really done a disservice to both men and women, and the religions have gone right along with it. I'm not sure this isn't maybe contributing to the gay issue. I'm not saying it is, but as a peculiar princess who has made more than my share of marriage failures, I have realized, I enjoy being alone. I love men, don't get me wrong, but in watching other women and listening to how they talk, I realize I don't feel that way about a particular man or the concept of marriage. I haven't had a lot of women friends, but many acquaintances along the way, and often I have felt odd in the conversations, because I simply cannot relate.

I always felt shy, ugly, and awkward, so if a man showed interest, I of course, said yes to the proposal. I was shocked anyone was asking . . . but that made it "about me" and that wasn't right. I think their interest may have been piqued by what appeared to be "listening skills" which as it turns out, I think really is more a matter of "having nothing to say." I'm more of a human doing than a human being, so chit-chat and small talk are not my long suit. I think some men found that refreshing, which is probably how I ended up with the proposals I did.

In realizing I enjoy men as friends and enjoy doing many things most women don't, if I was counting on society to guide me, rather than YHWH, where would I be? I can't help but notice many young men who have grown up without positive role models or worse, overbearing braggarts to which they cannot even relate, much less live up to. Are more men deciding to be single because they just aren't sure how to be "the man?" Or are they looking for a father image and end up equating that to love and persuing alternative relationships? It seems many people are truly giving up or getting very experimental, while many marriages seem to be more about security and image. Now, I'm saying that, as someone who hasn't succeeded.

I also don't understand women who in midlife decide they are through with men, but can't be alone, so they change their gender interest. It's almost as if they are still counting on their "interaction" or refusal to interact with men to be their identity. Actually, I think, as a society, as we tried to re-establish right and wrong, many have lost their individual identities or given up their own ideals. We're all born male or female, why do we need to make up a sexual identity beyond that? I thought the pink and blue bootie idea worked great!

In my days of raising a family, I was fairly good at being a "house mother" type person. I'm more the creative, project type; than the perfect wife, mother or hostess. I'm a responsible person and I have always had a great time with kids and grandkids making dinner and baking goodies. My kitchen has always been a gathering place. Any attempt at an official presentation or even dinner itself, however; is more of an unraveling free range experience, after someone says the prayer. I'm through thinking I'm lacking in so many areas. I have several talents and gifts, but they just don't include what everyone else calls "normal" and I'm really, finally, okay with that. I'm not the perfect woman!

What if there are many people like myself who are just satisfied to be alone, but our society frowns on that? Our society tends to attach a negative image to being single, if you're not a player. Now, if religion is involved you better not be a player, but for the most part, single women are not appreciated in many religious "settings." Even in FB, it's the "church ladies" that unfriend me! There is probably a label for people who don't mind being alone, or there will be soon. Being alone and satisfied means there's no need for any legislation or any societal recognition. Can you see it now, a "single parade" not intended as a "singles group?" The internet is full of sites promoting single meets. Nearly very aspect of our society addresses being single in a negative light, or a need to find someone sort of way, except in some Christian denominations after divorce. G-d did say, "It's not good that man should be alone," but He didn't say that about women.

It seems our society has it so turned around and inside-out, that much of our society is so uncomfortable with their own choices, they need the rest of society to be uncomfortable with them . . . A new kind of "misery loves company." I simply want people to be comfortable and I'd like to be that way also. Knowing the Comforter has made all the difference for me. Before I was in Covenant with YHWH, I tried very hard to fit into normal, but failed. Now, I can face the fact that I love people, but I also need my space. It used to be acceptable for men to be confirmed bachelors or women to be spinsters. Why does everyone have to have a sexual interest identity?

In all of this marriage equality debate, I'd like to ask a simple question. It's as if we just have to keep finding ways to make people doubt their own views or defend them. How much social discomfort is required for political correctness? How much accommodation does one require to feel comfortable with their own lifestyle? Perhaps it was in giving a religious covenant over to the safe-keeping of the government, it became something different than YHWH intended. It's certainly becoming something different now! Now, as for the folks that will undoubtedly not fit into any of the new definitions of sexual interest labels outside of heterosexual, and LBGT . . . What's so wrong with being openly alternative but abstaining; or openly straight and simply have other things to do?

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