I'm not going to delve into the sad sorry past, as it is what it is, but through the course of this long tedious battle, I've changed. I believe it's for the best, but since we are on opposite sides of the battle, it doesn't always make for "easy negotiations" and there'll be no concession for peace . . . I've already been that route. I nearly lost my salvation over that. Regardless of what you believe about hell, I can tell you, the idea of spending eternity with someone to whom you are unequally yoked is the most vivid description of "hell" I can imagine! I've jokingly described my marriage as being "like a bad date that simply won't end." We ran out of small talk in 2005. By the time he became disabled in 2007, I knew divorce was not an option, and yet I digress. Let's get on to the heart of the matter. There is a spiritual battle and for many of us, it's not about good vs. evil, but G-d's plan vs. social expectations!
This is not to brag, but Mr. B knows he's got it made. Father has blessed me with several talents, so when it comes to low maintenance and high productivity; I'm basically . . . a catch! He's married to a minister, an author, a business woman, a natural health practitioner, and a back to basics homesteader, who; while pushing 60 still gets a few compliments on her appearance; while I'm married to a guy who . . . thinks a lot of himself. Although he did quit working at the age of 51 to "keep Sabbath," then changed his mind; he has been legitimately disabled since he was 56. I, on the other hand; still have to work quite hard to cover all the bases, plus keep my obligation in regard to the marital vows I made. What I had hoped would be a partnership ministry is really a front line battle, with the front line between the two of us.
He likes to look active in front of others and to be honest, the biggest battle I face, is trying to be tactful without being hipocritical. There's simply no reason to air dirty laundry in front of my guests.
The only time he has shared in the Sabbath observance is when I have a guest or guests . . . which makes for a very strange and strained circumstance. He can and has fooled a few of the "church ladies." At any rate, I found it interesting after yet another Sabbath alone, he wanted to just start the new week like we had something to share. Having been withdrawing from his attempts for the last several weeks, I finally, overtly explained my decline of conversation over a glass of wine and simply prepared dinner. Within moments, I was accused of complaining while he was simply "trying to ride this out."
Here's where it gets tricky for me, as to which side of the line I was to respond. Although I truly do want to be pleasing to our Heavenly Father, when Mr. B mentioned "just riding this out" as in tolerating the marriage until one of us dies . . . Like "til death do us part" is a sentence! I felt a bit of a Bette Davis response rising up in me . . . something to the effect of riding it out . . . "it's going to be a bumpy ride!" Thankfully, I bit my tongue on that one and simply stated, "Well, cowboy, to say 'riding out a marriage' is nothing more than waiting for one of us to die. Even knowing a divorce is not possible, that's just not a concept I choose to embrace."
I am coming to understand when someone has turned their back on the One True G-d of the Living, death becomes a very stark reality and the sad end of a sorry life. I cannot imagine looking at life in the way he does, and I'm so thankful that I don't. The spiritual battle is real and it begins in the heart! Not caring about another person's goals or happiness, while just waiting to die seems like such an empty existence. That's not living! Although, I'm seeing it up close and quite personal, just existing in America, is quite common. How many in this country are trying to fill a void with gadgets or addictions, or just buying their time with entertainment? How many folks are still looking for companionship, living by the old cliche, "misery loves company?" How many have never met our Creator? How many have turned their back on our Creator? The battle is real and it is a battle between life and death.
I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live: Deuteronomy 30:19
No comments:
Post a Comment