Birthdays have never been easy for me, and I'm not talking about aging. My birthday made me uneasy as a child. It was a day focused on me, and being the center of attention has always made me uncomfortable. As an adult it was easier to have my birthday alone, and play it off as "just another day," but it wasn't "just another day." Being alone with nobody looking at me, was my birthday gift to myself! That's what I wanted! I do appreciate the effort of others, but it was always just truly painful to be "looked at." As I got older, I loved the fact my birthday celebration would be relegated to the nearest convenient weekend or even better just a card and phone call. My recent birthday, 57, became very freeing of something I've carried around since my worst birthday as an adult, my 44th.
We should celebrate life, as well as assessing accomplishments and goals, and a birthday serves as a good mile marker in life for each of us. I now see, however; why birthday parties in the Bible are rarely mentioned and the ones that were, ended badly for someone . . . When planning my last wedding, we chose the day before my birthday. When discussing it, I told Mr. B, I wanted to get married before my birthday or wait until after his . . . but we'd both already been married in June, so we should then wait until July; his response was succinct. He said I was too logical to be looking at it so emotionally and illogically. I shrugged and said, "Well, if I'm usually logical, will you just cut me some slack on this one?" I was thinking we would marry in July, before he made the life changing statement. He said, "Let's get married before your birthday. If we don't keep moving forward, we'll start going backward." I can't count the number of times, I've rethought that discussion, as our constant direction has been consistently backward and perpetually moving away from the covenant vow.
I'd already shared with him, my desire to spend my birthday alone, or not on display, and he seemed to understand that, so here I think an anniversary/birthday back to back he'd protect me from ever having to be the center of another birthday party. I got it partially correct . . . On the evening of March 4th, the day before my 44th birthday, we exchanged vows. I had no idea I'd be in the ladies department of Wal-Mart at midnight ushering in my 44th birthday. Nor could I have realized that would be the highlight of the day.
After the guests had left our wedding, he suddenly wanted to go to Wal-Mart to purchase a nightgown for our "special night." I had purchased a tasteful negligée at Dillards before the wedding. Nothing amazingly sexy, and it was on clearance, but it was nice, a great price, and had a gorgeous robe . . . As I stood in Wal-Mart watching him look through the chintzy sleepwear, a thousand thoughts raced through my mind. The one that just kept "sticking" turned out to be worse and truer than I could have ever imagined. Although I'm low maintenance and appreciate a good bargain, I'm about the farthest thing from "off the discount rack" you can get. He was used to a much different type of woman than the one he had just married, and in the coming months, the recounts of his sexcapades would prove that.
As midnight turned into morning, after voting and telling his mother he'd gotten married since she had already stated she wanted no invitation and would not attend, we headed to one of the grandest Old Hotels in the midwest; only to have the day end very anticlimactically . . . Not only was this birthday horrible, I was trapped out of town with a man who was more than obviously not desirous of me, and thanks to the restaurant scene in "When Harry Met Sally" my marriage was now on a very firm, dishonest foundation . . . Definitely the worst birthday of my adult life! I'd made some bonehead decisions in my late teens and early twenties, but this caused me to doubt the very foundation of my faith.
As the years moved from my forties to my fifties, I asked politely, I cried, I begged, I demanded, I even gave an ultimatum one year . . . to have a birthday in which I was simply left alone, but it all fell on deaf ears. I finally came to realize, what I wanted simply made no difference to this man. He could look at me, he could look at my tears, he could hear my cries, and simply stare back in cold disregard. He simply did not care what I wanted.
This year, I took the bull by the horns, looked at myself in the mirror and said to myself, "Self, it's up to you! You can keep whining for what you wanted all those years ago, or you can embrace a new desire!" To that, I realized, I can have a positive day, a productive day, if and when I do not give someone else the power to ruin my day. Since we are not equally yoked and joined, we are not one. With that, I decided to go to the goat auction and if he tagged along, it would not make or break my day. Naturally, Mr. B insisted upon going and having lunch out. It wasn't my first choice, but then again, I don't have to cook, and realizing my birthday is finally just no big deal, I agreed. When I went to the restroom, he informed the waitress that it was my birthday, so at no cost or effort on his part, long after the lunch crowd has dispersed, I received a nice birthday dessert, which I graciously shared . . . There was no crowd staring, no cameras, just a simple reality that my life has moved on and it's seriously time to just focus on what is important!
I'm setting aside and allowing all the past failures to be just that . . . The Past! My focus, now, is to spend the rest of my life and energy on that for which I have been given talents and gifts. At 57, I'm 18 years younger than Abraham when he received his call and 23 years younger than when Moses saw the burning bush!
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