As of late, I find myself listening to a number of people who are contemplating and weighing out relationship issues. I am a pretty good listener when it comes to that subject, because although, I've probably made most of the relationship errors, I have virtually no advice to offer . . . and so I listen, and sometimes offer examples of pitfalls to avoid.
As I've heard everyone speak of what they want in a partner, and I remember back when the religious single groups would tell the desperate members to "make a list" of traits they wanted in a spouse. Naturally, everyone wanted a spiritual partner, and gender specifically, women wanted a spiritual leader, and men wanted a spiritual help meet. Great words, but vague; and practical application is highly subjective. I've yet to hear a woman who speaks of her husband leading, without hearing how she's explained his role to him. And I am completely amazed at the number of men who know exactly how a woman should behave . . .
I can't believe I'm offering this advice, but it's sort of a "I can't be a good example, so I'm a horrible warning" type situation. Don't make a list of what you want in someone else, and whatever you do, if you're a woman wanting a spiritual leader, don't find one you have to teach . . . Duh. And men, if you want a woman who is a good help meet, why would you expect her to just automatically read your mind? Rather than your woman just assuming she knows what you need or telling you what you need, wouldn't you prefer to hear, "What can I do to help you?" "What would you like?"
In looking or waiting for Mr. or Mrs. Right to come along, here's my suggested list. Write down the five things about you, that you feel are the most vital to your identity. The five things you like the most about yourself . . . or what G-d has brought in you. Then make a list of five things that are not so awesome about yourself, and be honest. No false humility! Now don't make copies and hand them out at the next singles gathering. Rather look honestly at that list, then tuck it away, but don't forget about it.
Those five things that you believe are your character assets, those are the blessings you would be bringing into the relationship as a leader or help meet. The partner our Creator has for you will admire, appreciate, and delight in those traits. And those five things that aren't so wonderful . . . the right partner will overlook, or encourage, or shield. They might not always choose the right reaction, every time, but they will know it's a weakness.
The right partner will not discount your strengths and focus on your weaknesses. To desire to be appreciated or cherished, respected or honored for our contributions and effort is human nature. We cannot wait for someone else to establish us as a person. El Shaddai has already established us. To know what our priorities are will keep us from compromising our values, which would prove disastrous down the road. To recognize our own weaknesses, keep us from being defined or exploited.
To make an honest list of our own assets and liabilities before our Creator, takes the focus off of our own expectations and places it exactly where our focus should be. For women, it's not what I want in a husband, but these talents or gifts YHWH has placed in me is what my husband will need to complete him. Men, it's not what I want a woman to be like, but rather, this is who I am, and YHWH knows the help I need, and I will cherish her for who she is!
This personal list keeps us mindful that we have a responsibility to bring more to every relationship than our expectations of others.
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