Aging

Several years ago, I gave some serious contemplation as to how my parents were aging.  When my grandparents were in their 40s, that seemed old, but then, my perspective was that of a child, and society had a different aging standard in the 1960s.  Anyone over 35 was "old establishment."   From the time I was twelve, I was looking forward to 40.  By the time 40 came around for me, it was fantastic and didn't really seem so old, after all.  It was in the next couple of years as my parents were hitting 60, that age seemed to be the new aging standard.  Either one was a young 60 or an old 60, and my parents are one of each.

In my early 40s, 60 really wasn't much of an issue, and I've always been more like Daddy than mom. I guess I just figured I'd be a young 60, but the other night, I got a wake up call, in the mirror.  As I stood at the sink, washing my hands, in the mirror; my great grandma was looking back at me.  Seeing the image of Daddy's grandma startled me, immensely.  I remember Granny, but she was much older than I am now, when I was born.  I shook it off, as best I could, and headed to bed.  It hadn't occurred to me that Daddy might be the exception to his family rule, or that he'd simply aged better because of his very active and athletic lifestyle.  Then there is the fact that men do tend to age better than women . . . think Paul Newman, Cary Grant, Sam Elliot.  Those men could still be the "leading man" while their female counterparts of the early movie days were relegated to support roles.

Sleep was a bit restless that night, as I considered a bold fact.  I'm less than three years from 60.  Although genetics will be an obvious factor, I still have a choice as to how 60 is going to hit and fit!  Vanity is not the issue, my endurance and activity level is my concern.  I remember several years ago, crying to Abba about having given Mr. B the last of my "good looking years," to which my Heavenly Father responded, "No, those were over before you met him."  Touche'!  Except for that one bout of self-pity, since following Messiah, I've been much more concerned about the beauty of my spirit.  I do want to reflect the glory of my Heavenly Father in my countenance.  The recent revelation that my hair is no longer salt & pepper, as well as more than a few aches and pains with rain coming that same night, caused me to evaluate a few other things that night.

Last year, right before Yom Teruah, I'd planned to do some things differently.  How many of those "good intentions" had I implemented?  As I laid there in the dark, evaluating my checklist, the stretches and increased walking hadn't exactly come to fruition, but HalleluYah!  I did have peace in the acceptance and resolve of a few other things . . . The ministry outreach has expanded exponentially and I think I'm more prepared than when I first heard to do so.  So, now that Yom Teruah is approaching once again, I'm repenting for my failure to accomplish some of the intentions.  I'm careful in regard to vows, but I'm not so sure Abba draws that line in my semantics, so it's time to get serious!

I'm not at all upset about growing older.  I've been counting on experiencing "my youth renewed" as found in Psalm 103.  I have no intention or desire to look 30, but I often think of doing chores and milking goats 20 years from now.  I want that.  I want to be able to do that.  I want to walk the half mile lane picking blackberries when I'm pushing 80, if my numbered days reach that point.  I want to still have a garden.  There is no need for the redeemed remnant to deteriorate with age.  I want to wear out, not rust out!  I can't expect Abba to renew my youth if I don't make a point to remain active.  If I'm not a young 60, the chances of being an active 80 will be drastically diminished.

My hair color and features are what they are, but I do have a choice in my activity and energy level.  The truth is:  I'm not getting any younger, but there is an element of choice in how gracefully I age.

A Realization

A check in my spirit began to gnaw a while back, but I wasn't really sure what it meant.  I knew it had to do with Goshen, but just, well in my usual coping manner, got busy and tried to make sure I didn't commit whatever might be causing the check.  I figured if I was real busy on projects, I wouldn't be guilty of whatever had caused Abba to first give my heart a tug.  I knew it had to do with the place here, but it seemed to also have to do with Sukkot and the five fold ministry.

The "door of invitation" is not mine to open or close!  Suddenly, the reality that Sukkot was called for Jerusalem and trying to make it happen here, in Goshen would cheapen the entire observation.  He didn't tell me to advise everyone to buy tickets to Jerusalem; rather He said those who were led to be here would come without formal fan fair, but simply be led and drawn.  What a note of relief for me, as I am a social, mainstream, dork, lacking skills of small talk . . .

I really wanted to please Abba, still do, but the realization that He made me the way I am, doesn't call for a remake in every aspect.  I am not a socially needy person.  I can read and write with little human interaction for days on end.  I get up early, pray, have my devotions, do chores which involves talking to Abba, Messiah, and the critters, come back in and start working.  When Mr. B does get up, he doesn't say anything or even acknowledge me.  I'm not anti-social, just used to being non-social and shunned, I guess.  I was really concerned that folks might come and be very dissatisfied with me.  That's on old discomfort that, thankfully, is now only a small part of my life with just a handful of people.

Without worrying about how to do this, I simply told Abba I had truly embraced the idea of hosting a Sukkot gathering, but I knew this divided house would not be a comfortable atmosphere for guests.  It was at this point, I simply shrugged my shoulders and determined to trust Abba regardless of how things looked.  As it turns out, this isn't such a convenient location for distant folks to come, and there are several gatherings scheduled in many areas nearby.  My hostessing is unneeded, but my enthusiasm to share is being directed to surrounding areas, solving both problems.

I'm a pretty well behaved guest and definitely a gifted talents coach, so I'll be sharing outside of Goshen, which solves the divided house issue as well.  Our King is just so smart!  

Prayed Up

Have you ever realized in dealing with someone, that you just weren't "prayed up" enough for the task?  I addressed rejection in the article for Preservation, but sometimes folks don't reject and just go away.  And sometimes folks aren't rejecting at all, they are simply in need, and sometimes they are exhausting.  It sounds like my social life has been difficult this week, but it hasn't, not at all.  Perhaps, I'm finally at peace with some of the old struggles and ready to address them outside of my own head and heart.

Being "prayed up" is definitely the answer to life, be it in good times or bad.  As a matter of fact, according to Scripture, it's often the good times that take our focus away from time with our Heavenly Father.  I remember a conversation with one of my daughters years ago, in which she informed me, she didn't have a real interactive relationship with G-d, didn't want to bother Him much so she just prayed when she had problems.  I told her, He likes to hear from us, so if problems are what motivates us to pray, we should expect problems in our life.  Now, in retrospect I should feel honored in that she basically has the same relationship with me.  I hear from her when there's a problem . . . yet I digress.

I've been coming into a fuller understanding about being "prayed up."  I used to feel that I had to be prayed up to "deal" with some folks, and I did!  But I knew Abba had a bigger plan for me than that and a greater purpose.  I want folks to be blessed in being around me and I want to be able to reach out in the Name of Y'hshuwah in the power of YHWH to offer healing and deliverance.  I want what happened in Scripture to happen now!  And I want to be a part of being used in that happening.  I've also come to realize there is a change of direction in my focus now, regarding being "prayed up."  I want to be so intune with Abba, I feel His heartbeat for His child in need.

Those are easier words to say, than discipline to enact.  When this began, and it's been some time in the maturing . . . not there yet, but it began with me giving up my prayer agenda . . . To feel our Father's heartbeat, we have to be "on the same page," and He's not moving to our page.  We have to come to Him, fully without reservation.  We cannot be emptied out, while we still have our "wish list."  Our only desire must be for Him and His Will.  Even in my desire to be used by Him, I cannot have a preconceived notion as to what the results should be.  I can ask for the healings of others and speak deliverance for those who are in bondage, but it is by His power and His alone that comes.

There is no place for my idea of what would be best for someone when it comes to asking for Abba's touch. Sometimes it may seem that someone needs healing, but they actually need deliverance, or simply to stand the test before they see results.  I prefer to have things happen NOW!  Abba sees what all needs to happen before we get to what I see as the end results.  Being "prayed up" has brought new meaning to walking in His confidence as well!  Thankfully, since I had zero self-confidence that has not been a matter of confusion.  If I have any confidence at all, it is in Him.

"Prayed up" now means emptied out . . .

Focus

It's been a tough week spiritually . . . growing pains.  I shared a word recently about being content, with Scripture reference from I Timothy and Hebrews.  Wouldn't you know it, I'm content in what I have, materially, well actually, I could have less and be just fine, but I found myself wandering through the archives of my emotional disappointments.  There are a few areas of my life that just didn't turn out as I'd hoped, and yet they are as good as they can be under the circumstances.  Most of the time, I maintain my contentedness in Messiah, by focusing on the goodness of YHWH, and that is amazing!  His goodness is beyond what we can even give thanks for . . .
                                
What I have realized, were words out of my own mouth.  Focusing on disappointment or being discontent actually robs us of present contentment and worse, being used of Abba.  When I'm in my bad place of archived disappointment, I'm really ineffective in the "here and now," and certainly for the Kingdom.  I've also discovered a situation that is unpleasant, yet I choose to be drawn in.  How ridiculous is that?  This soul searching business on my own, is a poor use of time and energy.  That's exactly what I said as I was speaking!  As it turns out, I've been given the opportunity to prove that again in my own life.  It wasn't until I was writing this article that I realized something in me that really needs to GO!  I still choose self-deprecation in personal introspection.  I'm not perfect, but I do too much repeated self-blaming and the cost is simply too high.

The past is truly the past and it's been forgiven and forgotten by my Heavenly Father.  Who do I think I am to bring it back up?  As for the failures, yes, I have failed.  The only way to avoid failure is to never attempt anything!  There are things in my life that I cannot fix, change, or make go away.  That is a simple fact.  Another simple fact is, my failure rate has markedly decreased since following Messiah.  With that knowledge, there is no reason for those things to control any of my focus or require any of my time and energy.  Some might say the enemy was attacking me for speaking the other day, but I don't think so.  The enemy is something I do not choose to give time or focus.  Yes there are demons and there is an adversary, but he's been defeated.  I know Ephesians speaks of a spiritual battle, but this particular battle still lies within me to make a choice, and I have!  Now, with that choice must come disciplined application!

This difficult week has produced some growth in that, when these failures do come to mind, I simply give thanks that they are indeed behind me and I've been given grace to walk on through.  Even when my testimony didn't turn out as I was expecting, Abba will still bring beauty from ashes.

To proclaim the acceptable year of YHWH, and the day of vengeance of our Elohim; to comfort all that mourn;  To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of YHWH, that he might be glorified.  Isaiah 61:2-3.

Releasing Regrets

The past few weeks have been truly amazing and special, as I've shared here; but with all the special blessings, have also come a time also of past regrets.  I'm not talking about others, but about my own failure and the regrets and disappointments that have sort of lurked in the shadows.  Most of my regrets took place before I was walking in covenant and following my King.  I am forgiven, but obviously, can not go back in time and change them.  All I can do is move forward, and I have.  Interestingly, these past few weeks have brought me to a place of actually releasing the regrets.

In all these years, I really didn't know how to do that.  I didn't know how to stop remembering something stupid or wrong I'd done . . . I figured everyone had regrets and probably everyone handles them in their own way, but I needed a better way.  I was truly tired of regretting so many failed relationships, in which there is no reparation.  Even without the option of going back in time, most of these failed relationships could not be rectified in future settings either, and that's where the reality of release began . . . Carrying regrets does two things.  It weighs us down and prevents us from rising to the full potential Abba has for us and it sets us up to live with blame in new relationships.

First, I cannot reconcile any previous marriage, as that is forbidden in Torah, so to continue to regret my failure, is time and energy squandered.  The only way to view those now, is to hope and pray those men are happy and have a relationship with our Heavenly Father.  I know some of them have moved on to other relationships and I hope those women do not have to "pay" for any hurt I caused the men.  I know I've "payed" for someone else's old baggage and I would not wish that on an enemy.  It could be the old baggage I've been dealt; was the consequences and comeuppance of my past behavior.

There is a meme that circulates social media regularly that sums life up rather well.  I'll include the quote here, with the credited author.

“We are free to choose our actions, . . . but we are not free to choose the consequences of these actions.”

                                                                                         ― Stephen R. Covey

Life does include consequences and most of us in our forties and fifties realize, what we thought were great ideas in our teens and twenties, have not all proven to be so great!  I don't mean to generalize or be vague, but I don't know of too many folks who didn't make at least one or two regrettable choices.  I have more than a few, but the reality is, I've had far fewer since walking with Messiah, and there's no reason to spend any more of the time I have left on regrets, I can't change, and our Heavenly Father doesn't even remember.  Isn't that so amazing about an all knowing Creator.  He is so awesome, He can choose to forget something!  In just trying to imagine His vastness, and attempting to wrap my mind and heart around His love, there is just little room for regrets.

Unexpected, but So Appreciated

A new understanding has emerged into my awareness.  I realized some time back that all of my energy was not being well spent.  There are some things in my life that are just not going to get better, and that's all right.  I quit wasting positive energy on those some time back.  I was, however; falling into some negative ditches once in awhile, when the reality reared it's ugly head, but even that is has fallen back into the archives of recent history.  When a negative attitude of failure begins to furrow my brow, I truly take the time to choose to think of something else.  Sadly, most of my failure is in the area of relationships, and a negative self-image; and as I type this, I'm guessing those two are somehow interrelated.

Even as I typed the paragraph, old disappointments knocked, but I literally chose to think on the list of Philippians 4:8, specifically the two individuals who brightened the already good day I was enjoying, with their unexpected comments.  So, on to the good stuff, now!

I've been ministering between services in a church not far from here.  I've known many of the congregants for some time.  Abba laid it on my heart that Sabbath is of course still standing, but He enjoys praise and worship any and every day, so . . . rather than rent a conference room or building, I've been worshipping at a local church, then stay all afternoon and fellowship in the evening when they return for the evening service.  I've been blessed and many of the people say they've noticed a change, and it's a good one!  When I first mentioned it to the Pastor, I told him I am a 7th day Sabbath keeper, so come the first day of the week, I'm all rested up and ready to hit the ground running!

Of course, serving Abba in a greater outreach has definitely been a blessing to me.  Sunday evening a dear young man gave his testimony.  I had no idea until he spoke that he and his family had only recently began to attend.  As it turns out, their first Sunday was mine also, so they and I had no idea we were all new.  Their family is just precious.  The baby smiles or sleeps and the older children are polite, well behaved, and friendly.  After his testimony, I went up to encourage and hug 'em all, when he said, "I was talking to my wife about you this afternoon."  He continued, "I told her, that little dark woman with the long hair, she's really special!"  Then he said to me, "You come all prayed up and ready, I appreciate that."

What a precious statement to hear.  Not so many in the generation that we boomers raised are that kind.  Then, for just a moment, I had to enjoy the fact that someone called me "little" and had actually used the word "special" in a flattering way.  One other time, I thought someone said special in a good way, but it turned out to be not so special at all . . . I'm so thankful to have the energy and use my energy to pray.  I've also realized this week as his words blessed through my head on more than one occasion, that "Being prayed up" has more to do with giving praise, thanks, listening, and obeying than it does to list the needs.

Now as if that wasn't enough, I stopped at the store yesterday, and there was a young woman, probably all of 30 who when we had exchanged pleasantries, stopped what she was doing for just a quick few seconds and said, "You have the most beautiful eyes."  Here I am, clearly at least a generation or two beyond her.  For a moment I felt glamorous, like an "old movie star."

I stopped letting feelings of failure take up space in my head.  The eviction wasn't quick, but the results have been amazing!  Most of the feelings of failure, as I said revolved around relationships and self image.  When I changed my thinking, I realized I can still care about the people, while giving up on the failed relationships.  It was amazing!  It's made so much more room in my heart and head for love and joy and the peace of acceptance.  And now this week, I've learned it actually shows in my countenance.

The Greatest Compliment

The compliment of all compliments came my way, about me, in front of me the other day.

It was about 3 1/2 months of knowing I needed to be ministering in Oklahoma, that I finally got in the right place.  I wasn't ignoring the call, I was just making it more difficult that it was.  I'm like that, sometimes.  I had no intentions of being disobedient at all!  Every place I went, the door was closed very quickly.  I have matured in that I don't bang on closed doors or brick walls like I used to, but my quest was not a simple one.  Here, I thought I was supposed to make a purchase toward the project, when that was simply not the case.  I have been called, however; to invest heavily in time and energy . . . and much prayer.

So here I am back in a church I'd visited several years ago.  I never joined and I didn't leave on bad terms.  It's simply a fact that Christian churches use the terms "set apart" and "come out from among them," but as a rule have tossed out the Instructions as to how that is to be done.  They felt a leading to go a direction I could not support, and with different celebrations, our paths simply crossed less.  We all stayed on friendly terms and always enjoyed seeing each other.  I've even spoken a few times through the years as a guest, but we all understand there are some significant differences.

When Abba told me to go to this pastor, I wasn't quite sure how it would go, but I showed up for Sunday morning service on Shavu'ot/Pentecost with two loaves of bread.  I told him, "I knew this was the one celebration we all shared and Deuteronomy said I was to bake two loaves of bread and go outside my gate, so here I am."  He smiled and said, "Great!  It's also Memorial Day and the service is more toward country and honoring our veteran members, then when that concludes, I'll turn the service over to you."  Well, I wasn't expecting that!  Clearly Abba had prepared his heart to receive me.

I left that Sunday afternoon, knowing I would contact him about the plan I'd been given.  Abba has led me to share natural remedies, as well as correlate the fact that sin is often the root problem in health, emotions, and finances.  I visited again in June and asked if we could meet to chat about an idea YHWH had given me.  He seemed a bit evasive, so I wasn't sure if he was truly that busy or just trying to kindly dismiss me.  As it turns out, he's truly been that busy . . .  I attended a couple more Sunday morning services, being asked to pray or speak, every time . . . So I realized my old weakness of being rejected and unwanted was unfounded.  It was time to take the bull by the horns and move forward.

I caught the pastor in his office that morning and told him, I was still wanting to talk to him and he began again with just how stretched his schedule was, when I simply said, "we're both here now and this won't take long."  I presented to him, my situation of being led to Oklahoma to share spiritually based health and I wanted to "rent" the church on Sunday afternoon between services for the same price I would have to pay to rent a conference room.  I asked him if he'd pray and think about it and he said, "No need, he had already been asking for something like this."  He did add that I did not need to pay for using the building, but in my heart it only seems right.

So, this past Sunday morning, it was announced that I would be there all afternoon.  The pastor then proceeded to share with the congregation that he wanted to tell them a couple of things about me.  He said, "When this woman prays, G-d hears, and results happen.  And another thing . . . anything you tell her stays between you, her, and G-d."

What humbling comments to hear.  I couldn't imagine a better compliment!