A particularly dark time of my life brought me to the point of questioning one of the last of my religious holdings, to the point I feared for my very soul . . . I used to believe that marriage ranked right up there with Sabbath in earthly order. I even believed marriage after divorce was acceptable and according to Torah, it is, but that doesn't mean it will fit the cultural norm of western ideology. It also doesn't mean it's a good idea for everyone! If a man doesn't love a woman enough to protect her, and provide for her, then she must not let him lead her away from Messiah and Father.
Going into this marriage, I just knew YaH had called this marriage to Mr. B., at least I thought He had. Everything was so simple and seemingly perfect, until it WASN'T! And it all happened so quickly. I was sharing with someone recently about my "Woman at the Well" testimony when I said, in a matter of a moment, our whirlwind courtship and marriage, went from "sizzle to fizzle." It wasn't just a tense honeymoon or rocky start, it went from enjoyable times, interesting outings, and late night talks to a living hell, almost instantly. The honeymoon was a matter of endurance . . . Sharing a marital track record with Liz Taylor, I've been on more than my share of honeymoons and this one was shocking! In trying to get settled into married life, the times I left his/our home to drive in tears, back to the Mission were too numerous to count. So the doubting began . . . Did I hear YaH? In the early years through the Torah reading about divorce, I cried and pleaded with him, but . . . he continued to reject me while refusing to grant a divorce. I still had not faced the fact, he simply wasn't interested in actually living what I preached, but rather preferred the appearance before others and the benefits of my blessings . . .
Once the doubting began and the Mission attendance began dropping, the questions in my mind began to multiply. For a time, I was even counting on Mr. B for faith and encouragement. Dark times, indeed! The call to relocate came, and I did know that was from YaH, so I set out in obedience with the hope that either we would get on the same page or he'd back out of the move, while I went on. Neither of those things happened. Well, I was sinking, so I guess there were times we came close to the same page, but I just tried to hang on to YHUH. Actually, YHUH hung on to me, but then it got darker . . . There seemed to be NO light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel. I still hadn't acknowledged the divided house. Why would I? I knew what Scripture had to say about a divided house and here I'm called to blaze a trail and build a homestead! I did continue to repeat to myself Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 11:29, but John 6:66 and Hebrews 6:6 would also cross my mind on occasion. This went on from March of 2002 until September of 2007. There were times I was terrified that the dark tunnel was actually a bottomless abyss. Through those five and a half years, I wrote three books as well as maintaining my online ministry, and publishing a monthly newsletter; yet on occasion I would still allow the fiery darts of doubt from the enemy, shake my faith to the core.
In September of 2007, following a horrific ordeal with Mr. B's health, I received a phone call from his mother. Interestingly through the time of Mr. B's health crisis and the years of recovery that followed, not once did anyone in his family actually offer to help care for him and visited only once, the next year. There were plenty of phone calls, however; to check on his progress and advise me on his care. Back to her phone call . . . She informed me that I would just have to accept that he and I believed differently and he would do his thing and I could do mine! Now "my thing" was already in place when he and I met,so it was in that instance I realized and accepted that the house was divided. In that instant I was freed from trying to be "one" with him, and knew, the only reason he would not divorce me is that he did not honor Deuteronomy 24. The problem was his rebellion, not my failure. He had rejected me and told me he did not "desire me" as a wife. This was the one marriage, I knew I had definitely given 150% and covered it in prayer. I may not be legally single in this country, but I am spiritually free. I am Mr. B's chef, laundress, and caretaker . . . basically a domestic servant, but nothing more. I'm rockin' this submissive wife deal! I'm not free to have a social life, but I am free to be busy about my Father's business! Considering the gifts Father has given me and the accomplishments He has brought in my life, being associated with me is an ego rush for appearance sake, not to mention "easy street" for Mr. B.
So, now, here it is over fifteen years since that fateful decision and ten years since he became disabled; and so many amazing things have happened in my life. It would be nice if I were a part of a tangible team here, but the reality is, I think it's easier to just "put in my time" on the expected obligations and get on with what I really love. The most important thing, however; is to finally realize the religious browbeating regarding marriage is not in Scripture, nor does it belong in my own thoughts. I am gifted and talented to do many things, but I'm a failure at marriage and I confess that. Even if I'd given up my relationship with YaH and Messiah, Mr. B had already rejected me right after the "I dos." I just can't even imagine the horror of losing my salvation over a sham of a marriage.
How many things in life do we give entirely too much effort and energy, when someone else has already made the decision, that it will make no difference? I truly have been blessed beyond measure in every other area of my life!
But seek ye first the kingdom of Elohim, and His righteousness; and all these
things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33
