Cravings, Addictions, and Deliverance

True confession of deliverance.  I believe when YHWH delivers a person, they do not have to fear the addiction.  I don't believe "once an addict, always an addict."  By that same token we are not to tempt Adonai.  I know if I ever started smoking again, it would be back on me seven times worse.  I know that, so I don't even consider trying one.  They don't smell good anyway, anymore.

I was never much of a soda pop drinker and haven't touched the stuff at all in well over a decade.  I'm not a chip snacker either.  I used to be a cake-aholic.  Seriously, I knew my weakness.  If there was a cake in the house, there would be no other food, until it was gone.  I didn't consume it in a single sitting of course, but in all honestly it didn't last long, either . . . and I lived alone.  I've actually been given victory and deliverance in my cake-aholism and without Cakers Anonymous.  

I also come from a long line of folks who enjoy a good cup of coffee with a dish of ice cream.  I've had those phases or seasons, but that particular treat is rarely a craving.  Ministry overseas, years ago, took care of that for me.  Coffee wasn't as plentiful as it is here, and working in an orphanage, ice cream was a very rare commodity.  Don't get me wrong, I still like my coffee, strong and black, but I don't really trust what might be in ice cream any more, and home-made is a summer event with kids and grandkids, that is completely consumed at the time.  

I believe cravings can be an indication of discontent or a feeling of lack, or even the result of boredom.  Cravings can literally be a physical hunger or a certain vitamin or mineral is lacking, but more often than not, I think cravings have to do with our emotional state.   Some cravings go with hormonal changes, and hormones and emotions are definitely intertwined.     

 I'm not preaching doctrine here, but rather something I've dedicated to my King.  For all the Feasts of YHWH, I have always baked a cake, as dessert is my understanding of the difference between a meal and a feast.  Dessert has never been a regular part of my cooking, but my daughters and I did love our girl talk around a cake, each with a fork in hand.   I think between empty nest syndrome and smoking cessation, I turned to cake.  It reminded me of good memories and was hand to mouth motion.  That's why I knew my cake craving was really an addiction and it was a problem.  When I stopped smoking, I replaced one addiction with another and just called it a craving.  Thankfully, I was delivered before my figure got any fuller!  

Cake in and of itself is not evil, but it's not comfort either.  Cake is actually mention in Scripture.  There is a different special cake I bake for each Feast, except Yom Kippur.  I tried one for a breaking the fast, but it didn't seem respectful.  Now, when the eggs are abundant in the spring and I'm blessed to prepare for guests, I bake an angel food cake.  As a part of the Feasts or when guests are coming, are all the cakes I bake.  I don't buy cakes or even cake mixes, so the instant gratification factor is also eliminated.  Since all cakes are now baked to honor the King, or for guests, cake consumption isn't the focus, as the cakes are not mine.  I'm blessed to be commanded and invited to celebrate the Feasts of YHWH, with deliverance I now have cake moderation manners!    

Grandpa's Gift

Grandparents are a very special blessing, or perhaps I should say, being a beloved grandchild is a very special blessing.  I truly believe being a grandparent is my second highest calling in life.  My first, being an obedient daughter to the King, Creator of the universe.  I was blessed to know all of my grandparents and even most of my great grandparents.  As a matter of fact, I still have one Grandma living.  Although I have many memories of good times with my grandparents, the memories with one Grandpa are still very dear and quite clear, considering . . . it's been over fifty years.

My Grandpa, who was my greatest fan, passed away two weeks before my fourth birthday.  He suffered a fatal heart attack at the age of 49.  I remember that birthday and how terribly sad I was that he wasn't there.  I missed him so much.  In an effort to cheer me up, my aunt took me to the circus.  This aunt ranked right up there with Grandpa, in awesomeness.   She absolutely meant well, but at that time nothing was the same without Grandpa.  To this day, I still don't like circuses.    

When Grandpa died, my sister was just a few months old and that grandma was always busy or working. Both my aunts were still in their teens, so they had social lives.  For most of those four short years, I was "the one and only," and I knew it!  My other Grandpa was wonderful, also, but I had cousins about the same age, so we shared him.  That set of grandparents were usually home together and often had company, so there wasn't that same one on one time with him.   For the record, though; both of my Grandpas were absolutely superb in their supply and provision of ice cream!

Over fifty years later, I'm still amazed at the number of memories that dance through my thoughts.  Grandpa, of course, bought me things, but more importantly he spent time with me.  He did things with me!  He showed me those sprinkles that went on top of  cookies could go in an angel food cake batter and make the cake so pretty!  I knew about confetti cake, quite early in life.  Cake is still a favorite.  He never told me to "go play" or "be quiet."  As far as I was concerned, he was the embodiment of "home entertainment."  There was nobody like my Grandpa!  He bought me a US states puzzle, not to occupy me, but to put it together with me.  I remember it clearly, or I think I do.   So when I saw a similar version of the states puzzle, all these years later, I bought one for my grandkids.  I'm smiling to myself as I write, remembering.  He was a part of my life for such a short time, but what am impact he had.  

Time with my Grandpa was always wonderful.  He usually had a surprise and although I didn't always expect a gift, he was a very giving person.  Back when gasoline was purchased at "service stations" where windshields were washed, oil and tires were checked, there were often marketing promotionals and gas wars . . . Such ancient history, I'm now telling.  Sinclair's logo was a dinosaur and for a summer promotional, gave away an inflatable dinosaur with the purchase of a full tank of gas.  Daddy was an avid swimmer and had already taught me by that time, so Grandpa thought I'd love it in the pool.  I was little bitty when I remember seeing that green flat package . . . When Grandpa blew it up, it scared the daylights out of me.  He immediately deflated it and threw it in the back of the closet and shut the door.  He said he wouldn't let it out!  After he died, I remember finding that wadded up green plastic creature still deflated in that closet.  Whether it was just forgotten, or the closet hadn't been cleaned, this little girl knew Grandpa had kept his promise! 

There is a specific gift my Grandpa gave me, of which I am reminded daily.  It's something which has modeled my own grandparenting and gift giving, as well as my life's work.  As I sit here at this keyboard, I often think of the toy typewriter he gave me.  That gift encouraged the talent and task our Creator had purposed for me.  Did Grandpa know I'd become a writer?  I can't say, but I truly believe our Heavenly Father led him to that particular toy, that particular day.  

To this day, I believe one of the greatest privileges of being a grandparent is to encourage the G-d given talent in grandchildren.  What society calls a "hobby" may in fact be someone's purpose!

Then the word of YHWH came unto me, saying,  Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee . . .

Reality

Sometimes life gets a bit overwhelming, even for a princess, and that's when El Shaddai serves us up a little reminder of just "who we are" and more importantly "Whose we are!"  This past week has been seriously tense and I have literally prayed many times over, Psalm 141:3 Set a watch, O YHWH, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips.  He has been faithful to answer that prayer, and I've been seriously aware at the number of times I needed to repeat that prayer!

As I was settling into acceptance of one of the stranger situations in which I've found myself, and believe me, I do have a history of strange situations, the true desire of my heart was to glorify Abba.  I didn't want to bring dishonor to His Holy Name.  I've been watching myself in many situations since Aviv and something is just different.  I have a different perspective about my presence in any circumstance.  My presence in any circumstance is only to bring glory and pleasure to Abba and to reflect Messiah.  That is literally my only purpose.  Also, in that, my absence is to be any place Abba or Messiah are not welcome.

Since the day I heard Abba tell me to prepare practically, I've become much more conscious of what is necessary and what is extra baggage.  The morning I heard Him tell me to prepare practically, by that evening I had purchased three new goats.  One has become a wonderful milk goat and another one became a mother just this week, to two doelings!  In practical preparation terms, that means there are now only four does on the entire place that are related to one of the bucks and no does related to the other buck.  This practical preparation is taking shape quickly!

I've had a tinge of sadness, as I realize, life is changing rapidly, but not nearly as much sadness as I would have thought.  It's simply reality.  I can't move forward into the promise, while clinging to past hopes.  So, last week I found out the guilt could be forgiven and this week, I let go of the last of the past . . . to embrace the promise.  I've got work to do to prepare practically, and although the average person wouldn't see the similarity between Kate Middleton and myself, but we're both royalty!

Farm Fashion

Doing chores in the rain is one of those things I've written about for years.  I just love it.  I don't mind getting wet, or even wearing wet clothes for a bit, but I do not like to put wet clothes on!  Even when I was working as a lifeguard, I had two suits.  What I discovered this morning isn't practical for very many places, but it definitely works for a homestead off the beaten path.

This morning was really stormy.  It was very dark and although the rain began gently, it became fairly unrelenting for awhile.  I've changed the chore schedule for the summer, and certainly couldn't confuse the animals with one rainy morning, so I spent most of the morning pretty wet.  I did get my rainwater rinse, though!  

I go out right after dawn to open the chicken houses, but I don't do the milking then.  I've discovered when I was doing it all first thing, only the milkers came up, and I'm revising the milking schedule.  By just opening chicken houses and walking around the place, all the goats gather for the morning stroll.  So, I enjoy my devotions while the coffee perks, then the first cup I enjoy with the goats.  Since it's daylight so long now, chores are now much later in the evening.

Also, I'm starting to wean the calves from their morning bottles, so I'm reducing the quantity and taking the bottles out later every morning.  Eventually, the morning bottle will just be a little swig late afternoon, then they'll have an evening bottle, only.  I just can't stand to wean them cold turkey.  They are now down to just over a quart apiece between 11 am and noon.  They still each get their full half gallon at night.  Also on the agenda today, was taking the buck to the auction, so I was hoping to get him loaded between downpours.  He's been a great buck and I already miss him, but I'm keeping the does he threw this year, so I need a new buck.

Wrapped in a towel as I filled the calf bottles, I was contemplating just what I'd wear to feed the calves and "complete" the morning.  With two sets of chore clothes now dripping in the shower, I really didn't want to get a third set out and I knew better than to wear a towel out to get wet.  Towels get horribly heavy when wet, and I don't like the way cotton knit shirts cling when they get wet.  It's almost claustrophobic trying to get them off!  To be honest, I was here all alone, the trees are fully leafed out, I considered for a brief moment, running out au naturel, but that was a very brief moment.  I then got the best idea!  

I wear broom skirts most of the time, and one of them has ended up stained, so it's been relegated to the chore wardrobe.  I put it on like a sundress and headed out in the rain.  Woven cotton doesn't cling.  Coming in, I was still drenched, rain dripping down my face, but I was so thrilled with this experiment, I had to share.  Photos of "front and back."  Don't worry, I'm not modeling it!  The dark in the lower left corner is my shadow.  Wearing it like a sundress, it still hung to my knees.  Broom skirts really are so practical!  

Freely Given, Freely Give

I've always struggled in pricing my books.  There is a spiritual reality as well as a practical reality that I know meet at the proper point, but finding that is not always easy.  Since I am a servant of YHWH, the words I write, I believe are directed by Him.  That's what I've asked.  I'm not saying my writing is divinely inspired on a Biblical level . . . I'm saying I am writing to bring Him glory and hopefully help others receive clarity, confirmation or warning.

Books, words on paper, actually do cost money to make.  Book sellers will not carry or promote free books because book sellers have to sell books to stay in business.  Now that there are e-books and internet information, the book sales game has new rules, but YHWH does not.  I value the printed word, because in this digital world of technology, revision is always a factor and a possibility.  I was feeling the leading to write another contained project, specifically my testimony, but book ideas just weren't coming together.  There were several factors hindering the first step.

First and foremost, my life before coming to Messiah was very, very messy.  I still have my moments, but my life took a 180 change of direction when I repented and began to earnestly seek YHWH.  I'm not proud of my past, but it is what I was saved from, and I will share that, but my past also includes other people . . . Most of whom do not share my beliefs, so there was trepidation as to how to be transparent in my testimony without airing "dirty laundry."  Then there was the fact that I'm still alive and my testimony is ongoing, at least it should be!  The third consideration was one of pricing.

In this age of free digital access, it suddenly seemed a no brainer.  YHWH led me to purchase a computer for this ministry and it seems every year since He's continued to lead me to project expansion and outreach.  The books I've written that contain researched facts, I want in print, but my testimony is my testimony; digital history and technology won't change what YHWH did in my life.  I've truly enjoyed editing the Goshen Gazette and intend to continue to do that as long as YHWH wills me to do so.   My testimony is truly about what I've been freely given, so rather than a book, through a new website; I will be freely giving, by way of new website and blog.  I'm still working on the details, but it is live.

www.loosedwoman.com