An Interesting Dream

Most of my dreams seem fairly insignificant.  I do have a few that I recognize to be of spiritual significance, but I really don't have all that many memorable dreams.  I do, however; dream in color.  Having now used three sentences to say nothing, let's get to the point.

I dreamed I was speaking to a group of young women.  In the dream I was aware that all of these young ladies had some sort of inferiority complex in regard to their appearance and/or shape.  The group, as I remember, was basically average.  No one was dramatically beautiful or intensely homely.  The young women were not what I would call obese, but all indicated they were not pleased with their weight or their appearance.  They were all in search of "something" that would make them more attractive, which was to be the topic of my presentation.

As I spoke, I produced past photos of myself through the years.  This would be very out of character for me, in that I consistently hated to have my picture taken, always feeling fat and ugly.  With each photo, I gave my age and basic life circumstances at the time.  The presentation was somewhat interactive, so the girls made comments and asked questions throughout.  With each explanation on that trip down memory lane, a different girl would raise her hand to offer some sort of acknowledgement or insight.  It was amazing how many of the girls just couldn't understand why I had such low self esteem in those photos.  I responded with the same question and comment to them.

In the dream I seemed so natural and relaxed, which in and of itself is odd . . . One photo, stood out amongst all the others.  It was a wedding photo in which I was so thin, my complexion was ashen.  They asked me how I felt about myself at that time, and I answered honestly.  It was the one time and last person who made me feel desirable, but . . . I was really sacrificing my health to be that size and more importantly, by then I realized, I was counting on him to make me feel like a woman.  Ultimately, when the new wore off and it was time to just be a couple, I blew it.  He loved me, or at least tried to love me, for who I truly was.  My youth and weight made no difference to him, but my inferiority complex was so deep, I couldn't grasp that.   As I shared that with the girls, they fell contemplatively silent.  I could see their wheels turning.

In sharing the last wedding photo, I shared with the girls that I truly thought I "had it together" spiritually, emotionally, and was physically comfortable in my own skin, until . . . my honeymoon was a disaster and I found myself hanging on by a thread, spiritually.  I clung to Messiah.  Many times over, I found myself quoting the Psalm about the Rock that is higher than I.  Something had to change, and I was obligated to my circumstances.  It would take me a full 10 years to realize my self-image was not based upon how someone else, that man, looked at me.  In 2012, I looked in the mirror, finally happy with the reflection looking back.

As I moved out from behind the podium, I stood there 57 and full figured, and simply stated.  "I like myself the way Abba created me to be.  Being content is beautiful!"

Perspective

This week, I learned that my reflection in the mirror could actually look worse than my already low opinion of my appearance.  The morning after my fall, I realized it was more serious than I first thought.  I felt the pain of a broken nose, but there was more.   I also knew there were some serious injuries on my right leg and left side of my rib cage, but those injuries didn't affect my appearance . . . so much.  The banged up face looking back in the mirror, gave me a new perspective.  As I stood there surveying the damage, thoughts of a different nature came to mind.

Returning to my memory was a comment I had made to YHWH just a few weeks earlier.  Through a time of remembering the "not so good old days" of an abusive relationship and mainstream healthcare dependence, I simply thanked Abba that He had brought me through those days and I regretted having lost my "original" nose to abuse and reconstructive surgery.  I'm now believing, once the swelling subsides, the old tribal proboscis will be restored.

When I saw the injured place on the side of my face, a deep sense of gratitude and appreciation washed over me.  Just above my cheekbone, less than an inch from the outside corner of my eye, and a fraction of an inch from my temple is a contusion about the size of a quarter.  I'm not sure what I hit, but I am so thankful, whatever I hit hard enough to leave that injury, did not hit my eye or temple.  There is a cut under my lower lip that looks like it was probably done by my upper teeth.  Also included was a laceration on the bridge of my nose, broken skin down the side of my nose, including nosebleeds for days, and a scrape over my eyebrow.  In all of that, though; none of the injuries even remotely looked like stitches were needed.

When I spoke with my friend regarding the arrangements for her husband, I did have just a moment of wishing I didn't look so rough to be attending, but it wasn't about me, so . . . end of that thought.  Undeniably, I do look a little rough right now, I'm still the same person I am when I'm just my usual not so glamorous self.  As I consider my bumps, scrapes, contusions, and pains; I find myself truly looking forward to being restored to my "old me."  As it turns out, my old uninjured, unswollen self isn't so bad after all.   I didn't realize what a superficial perspective I've had of myself.  I'm thankful to have this new perspective.

No Appearance of Evil

I don't talk much about it, and I don't have any success in this particular life experience, but I do know a thing or two about marriage . . . I have cumulative experience in EPIC FAIL!  Suddenly though, in this past couple of weeks, I've gained a new perspective, and revisited an old one.

Marriage, even a bad one is still a covering.  Years ago, I was so sure the last one was going to be "the one."  Well it is . . . the last one!  Even though Mr. B and I are not one in spirit, there are many benefits this situation affords regarding the service to which I'm called.  Once I realized my old exit route, divorce; was not an option in this case and got over my sniveling and whining, I began to see things differently.  This past couple of weeks, I've gained amazing new insight.  When I listen to other women discuss their lifestyle and marital considerations, I really have it pretty easy.  Mr. B. doesn't want to deal with me most of the time, which means I have a great deal of time that is unencumbered.  As long as I fix meals and keep the laundry clean, I can spend the rest of my time on the work to which I'm called.  It's almost like being single, except, I've finally recognized the marital perks.

In setting up this community, there is nothing hindering any newcomers from coming aboard.  Men, women, singles, couples, there is no appearance of evil, and no reason for misunderstanding.  If I were single, with the way things are in the world today, I wouldn't be able to establish this community.  Certainly no single men could come on board without dowry in hand . . . I don't have that kind of faith, and I don't know any men who do either.   Then there's the whole gay presumption issue now, so the same gendered ministry team would still raise questions.  Single women offering ministry beyond children would not be well received either, and this is quite remote for people to bring their children and drop them off for a Bible lesson . . . so, it's all starting to make more sense.  It would be great if I was already part of a team, but since this is Abba's plan, He already knew and continues to know how it will unfold.  He really doesn't have to keep me clued in.

Being in an undivorced, spiritual nonunion, there aren't the social expectations and awkwardness in the advances of potential suitors . . . yes even at my age.  LOL   The social engagements or family obligations of actually being a couple are frequently avoided.  This is kind of like living in a dorm with no common interests . . . I can't speak for him, but I'm very thankful he wasn't all fired-up mega-mess like so many were back then.  I didn't get dragged through the Word of Faith movement or the Mega-church Motivational stuff.  Even though he really hurt my feelings in the beginning, it was a relief when the truth came out.  At first it seemed rather odd, but it's been this way so long, it actually seems right for the plan.

  This "arrangement" has also served to protect me from folks who are not to be here, that came scoping their opportunity.  There will be no "take over" of this mission.   I'm still believing for a 5 fold ministry to gather and I've got the round table ready.  In looking at marriage in Scripture, many of them were simply arrangements for a bigger purpose . . . This princess is ready to host a gathering.  Singles, couples, it doesn't matter.  The foundation is in place that there will be no appearance of evil, and only expectations of service to Abba.