True Confession

I've made no bones about my marital track record.  Even before following Messiah in Covenant, I had a certain "code of ethics" regarding fornication, adultery, and marriage.  My "code of ethics" was not according to the Laws of G-d, therefore my "code of ethics" amounted to nothing more than doing what was right in my own eyes.  The Bible calls that sin and my version of it resulted in way too many marriages.  Once I began following Messiah in Covenant, my code of ethics was replaced with obedience to The Word, or at least my understanding and I'm still learning and growing in my understanding.  I'm not fornicating or committing adultery, and even though I am legally married, my husband rejected me years ago, so I am celibate.  In looking back, I've wondered if this has to do with remarriage after divorce.  On to the greater issue, though; and that is one of the recent understandings I've come to is my perception and reason for modesty.

My style of modesty has remained about the same now, for nearly 20 years, but I cannot say it's been based purely on spiritual conviction and Scripture.  Much of my style, appearance, and behavior has sadly been based more upon my low self-esteem than my true spiritual convictions.  This past month, that is changing.  Bringing glory and honor to my Heavenly Father should be primary in every decision I make.  The world sees my outward appearance and as far as I know, there's no evil to be spoken of in my appearance, but Adonai sees my heart.  The truth of the matter is, the motivation behind my dress and behavior needed an upgrade, a serious upgrade!

Slacks and jeans went by the way side in the mid 90s.  I'm not teaching a doctrine here, simply stating I felt slacks took away from my femininity.  That isn't the case for all women, but it is for me.  Then if there is any weight gain or shift, slacks can become "too tight" very quickly, so broom skirts became my style.  I began wearing "over blouses," first for more color, then for a feeling of security in regard to my bosom, and upper arm . . . well "over 40 upper arm."  I do not believe showing some skin on my arms is a sin, and not all of my over blouses are long sleeved, but they all come close to my elbows.  That's the deal though, it's not about covering for modesty, it's about covering my upper arm sag.  One could say that reason is vanity.  I prefer to think of it as "just good policy."  I do not believe a woman must be covered from chin to ankles, as that sounds a lot like a burqa.  Frumpy attire and a prudish appearance are not necessary to bring glory to Abba.  I don't believe it's a sin to dress attractively; as long as one knows the difference between attractive and provocative . . .

Recently, I got over myself!  I may not have a body like Kate Middleton, but I am a princess, nonetheless; and Mr. B's attitude toward me is his issue, not mine.  I am where I am and "it is what it is."  Married to someone who has rejected my beliefs and my body has not been an easy adjustment, but there really is no sorting it out.  Just because the only man who will ever again see my body naked is the coroner, is a choice that is no longer based upon a poor self-image!  I choose to no longer be ashamed of the body my Creator made for me, but to be modest and chaste to bring glory to my Heavenly Father and walk in the anointing He has purposed for me.  

Focus

It's been a tough week spiritually . . . growing pains.  I shared a word recently about being content, with Scripture reference from I Timothy and Hebrews.  Wouldn't you know it, I'm content in what I have, materially, well actually, I could have less and be just fine, but I found myself wandering through the archives of my emotional disappointments.  There are a few areas of my life that just didn't turn out as I'd hoped, and yet they are as good as they can be under the circumstances.  Most of the time, I maintain my contentedness in Messiah, by focusing on the goodness of YHWH, and that is amazing!  His goodness is beyond what we can even give thanks for . . .
                                
What I have realized, were words out of my own mouth.  Focusing on disappointment or being discontent actually robs us of present contentment and worse, being used of Abba.  When I'm in my bad place of archived disappointment, I'm really ineffective in the "here and now," and certainly for the Kingdom.  I've also discovered a situation that is unpleasant, yet I choose to be drawn in.  How ridiculous is that?  This soul searching business on my own, is a poor use of time and energy.  That's exactly what I said as I was speaking!  As it turns out, I've been given the opportunity to prove that again in my own life.  It wasn't until I was writing this article that I realized something in me that really needs to GO!  I still choose self-deprecation in personal introspection.  I'm not perfect, but I do too much repeated self-blaming and the cost is simply too high.

The past is truly the past and it's been forgiven and forgotten by my Heavenly Father.  Who do I think I am to bring it back up?  As for the failures, yes, I have failed.  The only way to avoid failure is to never attempt anything!  There are things in my life that I cannot fix, change, or make go away.  That is a simple fact.  Another simple fact is, my failure rate has markedly decreased since following Messiah.  With that knowledge, there is no reason for those things to control any of my focus or require any of my time and energy.  Some might say the enemy was attacking me for speaking the other day, but I don't think so.  The enemy is something I do not choose to give time or focus.  Yes there are demons and there is an adversary, but he's been defeated.  I know Ephesians speaks of a spiritual battle, but this particular battle still lies within me to make a choice, and I have!  Now, with that choice must come disciplined application!

This difficult week has produced some growth in that, when these failures do come to mind, I simply give thanks that they are indeed behind me and I've been given grace to walk on through.  Even when my testimony didn't turn out as I was expecting, Abba will still bring beauty from ashes.

To proclaim the acceptable year of YHWH, and the day of vengeance of our Elohim; to comfort all that mourn;  To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of YHWH, that he might be glorified.  Isaiah 61:2-3.

The Greatest Compliment

The compliment of all compliments came my way, about me, in front of me the other day.

It was about 3 1/2 months of knowing I needed to be ministering in Oklahoma, that I finally got in the right place.  I wasn't ignoring the call, I was just making it more difficult that it was.  I'm like that, sometimes.  I had no intentions of being disobedient at all!  Every place I went, the door was closed very quickly.  I have matured in that I don't bang on closed doors or brick walls like I used to, but my quest was not a simple one.  Here, I thought I was supposed to make a purchase toward the project, when that was simply not the case.  I have been called, however; to invest heavily in time and energy . . . and much prayer.

So here I am back in a church I'd visited several years ago.  I never joined and I didn't leave on bad terms.  It's simply a fact that Christian churches use the terms "set apart" and "come out from among them," but as a rule have tossed out the Instructions as to how that is to be done.  They felt a leading to go a direction I could not support, and with different celebrations, our paths simply crossed less.  We all stayed on friendly terms and always enjoyed seeing each other.  I've even spoken a few times through the years as a guest, but we all understand there are some significant differences.

When Abba told me to go to this pastor, I wasn't quite sure how it would go, but I showed up for Sunday morning service on Shavu'ot/Pentecost with two loaves of bread.  I told him, "I knew this was the one celebration we all shared and Deuteronomy said I was to bake two loaves of bread and go outside my gate, so here I am."  He smiled and said, "Great!  It's also Memorial Day and the service is more toward country and honoring our veteran members, then when that concludes, I'll turn the service over to you."  Well, I wasn't expecting that!  Clearly Abba had prepared his heart to receive me.

I left that Sunday afternoon, knowing I would contact him about the plan I'd been given.  Abba has led me to share natural remedies, as well as correlate the fact that sin is often the root problem in health, emotions, and finances.  I visited again in June and asked if we could meet to chat about an idea YHWH had given me.  He seemed a bit evasive, so I wasn't sure if he was truly that busy or just trying to kindly dismiss me.  As it turns out, he's truly been that busy . . .  I attended a couple more Sunday morning services, being asked to pray or speak, every time . . . So I realized my old weakness of being rejected and unwanted was unfounded.  It was time to take the bull by the horns and move forward.

I caught the pastor in his office that morning and told him, I was still wanting to talk to him and he began again with just how stretched his schedule was, when I simply said, "we're both here now and this won't take long."  I presented to him, my situation of being led to Oklahoma to share spiritually based health and I wanted to "rent" the church on Sunday afternoon between services for the same price I would have to pay to rent a conference room.  I asked him if he'd pray and think about it and he said, "No need, he had already been asking for something like this."  He did add that I did not need to pay for using the building, but in my heart it only seems right.

So, this past Sunday morning, it was announced that I would be there all afternoon.  The pastor then proceeded to share with the congregation that he wanted to tell them a couple of things about me.  He said, "When this woman prays, G-d hears, and results happen.  And another thing . . . anything you tell her stays between you, her, and G-d."

What humbling comments to hear.  I couldn't imagine a better compliment!

An Interesting Dream

Most of my dreams seem fairly insignificant.  I do have a few that I recognize to be of spiritual significance, but I really don't have all that many memorable dreams.  I do, however; dream in color.  Having now used three sentences to say nothing, let's get to the point.

I dreamed I was speaking to a group of young women.  In the dream I was aware that all of these young ladies had some sort of inferiority complex in regard to their appearance and/or shape.  The group, as I remember, was basically average.  No one was dramatically beautiful or intensely homely.  The young women were not what I would call obese, but all indicated they were not pleased with their weight or their appearance.  They were all in search of "something" that would make them more attractive, which was to be the topic of my presentation.

As I spoke, I produced past photos of myself through the years.  This would be very out of character for me, in that I consistently hated to have my picture taken, always feeling fat and ugly.  With each photo, I gave my age and basic life circumstances at the time.  The presentation was somewhat interactive, so the girls made comments and asked questions throughout.  With each explanation on that trip down memory lane, a different girl would raise her hand to offer some sort of acknowledgement or insight.  It was amazing how many of the girls just couldn't understand why I had such low self esteem in those photos.  I responded with the same question and comment to them.

In the dream I seemed so natural and relaxed, which in and of itself is odd . . . One photo, stood out amongst all the others.  It was a wedding photo in which I was so thin, my complexion was ashen.  They asked me how I felt about myself at that time, and I answered honestly.  It was the one time and last person who made me feel desirable, but . . . I was really sacrificing my health to be that size and more importantly, by then I realized, I was counting on him to make me feel like a woman.  Ultimately, when the new wore off and it was time to just be a couple, I blew it.  He loved me, or at least tried to love me, for who I truly was.  My youth and weight made no difference to him, but my inferiority complex was so deep, I couldn't grasp that.   As I shared that with the girls, they fell contemplatively silent.  I could see their wheels turning.

In sharing the last wedding photo, I shared with the girls that I truly thought I "had it together" spiritually, emotionally, and was physically comfortable in my own skin, until . . . my honeymoon was a disaster and I found myself hanging on by a thread, spiritually.  I clung to Messiah.  Many times over, I found myself quoting the Psalm about the Rock that is higher than I.  Something had to change, and I was obligated to my circumstances.  It would take me a full 10 years to realize my self-image was not based upon how someone else, that man, looked at me.  In 2012, I looked in the mirror, finally happy with the reflection looking back.

As I moved out from behind the podium, I stood there 57 and full figured, and simply stated.  "I like myself the way Abba created me to be.  Being content is beautiful!"

The Puny Princess

I certainly can't complain about my health.  Like most folks in my age range, there are a few things that just don't work like they used to.  Also like many folks, I certainly wish I'd taken better care of myself when I was younger.  If I were a vehicle, I'd say I put on too many miles on rough terrain and now the warranty is up, but thankfully I'm a work of the Creator's hand.  I'm doing a lot more than many and certainly feel better than I deserve to.

My grand uncle used to say he'd rather wear out as rust out . . . which brings me to this week's topic.  I've mentioned before that I have MS and RA.  I don't suffer nearly as bad as many do with these auto-immune diseases, but these afflictions do remind me of their presence, regularly.  This past week, the RA really made itself known, thus the title.  The rheumatoid arthritis knocked me for a bit of a loop.  I still got my pumpkin canned and met my usual responsibilities; well most of them, but I was in pain.  I didn't have as much strength as I'm used to and I found myself struggling with tasks that had never before been an issue.  Now when that happens, the first thought that invades my brain is the idea that it may never get better.  It's always going to be this difficult and painful.  I do my best to cast that thought out, as that is just borrowing trouble.  I'm not a good patient.  I get on my own nerves when I don't feel up to par.

You may disagree with me on this, but I believe most acquired illness has a spiritual root, and emotional factors.  I'm not talking about congenital issues, but acquired issues.  There are just too many examples in Scripture in which Messiah connected wellness and forgiveness; to ignore.  Then there is the fact that in the Hebrew Scriptures, the people were instructed to present their maladies to the High Priest, not to mention James 5:15.   As a natural health practitioner, I always seek our Creator in helping others and I've done some real soul searching regarding my own health.

I fully attribute my MS to internally melting down as a coping mechanism.  It may be something else for others, but that makes total sense in my life and situation.  In handling this disease from that perspective, I've let go of a number of battles that are not mine and although Abba has not chosen to grant me a full healing at this time, I'm very blessed to continue to be quite functional.  My gait is a bit awkward, and I'm a bit of a klutz, but I rarely suffer the fatigue so many experience.   I've dealt with many others who suffer RA and there is nearly always an underlying embrace and rejection issue.  A sort of push/pull situation in their life.  As it turns out, I'm not 'an exception to this theory.

As I've sought to have Abba's love in me, or to love as He loves, the reality has hit that I'm still guarded in a few areas of this endeavor.  He's placed me in the perfect situations to love without necessarily being loved in return, or worse, but I'm not yet fully trusting His protection in those situations.  This emotional push pull reality is more of a spiritual outreach or attempted embrace, then shield, withdraw or recoil.  It's not easy to do what Messiah did and what He taught.  This "loving our enemy" business is painful, especially when we try to protect ourselves.   Hopefully, now that I've actually recognized it, I'll be able to love without fear, and trust Abba for the protection.  This is not a "name it and claim it," "blab it and grab it," "declare and decree" statement, but a simple statement of fact of faith.  RA will not continue to make this princess feel puny!