A new understanding has emerged into my awareness. I realized some time back that all of my energy was not being well spent. There are some things in my life that are just not going to get better, and that's all right. I quit wasting positive energy on those some time back. I was, however; falling into some negative ditches once in awhile, when the reality reared it's ugly head, but even that is has fallen back into the archives of recent history. When a negative attitude of failure begins to furrow my brow, I truly take the time to choose to think of something else. Sadly, most of my failure is in the area of relationships, and a negative self-image; and as I type this, I'm guessing those two are somehow interrelated.
Even as I typed the paragraph, old disappointments knocked, but I literally chose to think on the list of Philippians 4:8, specifically the two individuals who brightened the already good day I was enjoying, with their unexpected comments. So, on to the good stuff, now!
I've been ministering between services in a church not far from here. I've known many of the congregants for some time. Abba laid it on my heart that Sabbath is of course still standing, but He enjoys praise and worship any and every day, so . . . rather than rent a conference room or building, I've been worshipping at a local church, then stay all afternoon and fellowship in the evening when they return for the evening service. I've been blessed and many of the people say they've noticed a change, and it's a good one! When I first mentioned it to the Pastor, I told him I am a 7th day Sabbath keeper, so come the first day of the week, I'm all rested up and ready to hit the ground running!
Of course, serving Abba in a greater outreach has definitely been a blessing to me. Sunday evening a dear young man gave his testimony. I had no idea until he spoke that he and his family had only recently began to attend. As it turns out, their first Sunday was mine also, so they and I had no idea we were all new. Their family is just precious. The baby smiles or sleeps and the older children are polite, well behaved, and friendly. After his testimony, I went up to encourage and hug 'em all, when he said, "I was talking to my wife about you this afternoon." He continued, "I told her, that little dark woman with the long hair, she's really special!" Then he said to me, "You come all prayed up and ready, I appreciate that."
What a precious statement to hear. Not so many in the generation that we boomers raised are that kind. Then, for just a moment, I had to enjoy the fact that someone called me "little" and had actually used the word "special" in a flattering way. One other time, I thought someone said special in a good way, but it turned out to be not so special at all . . . I'm so thankful to have the energy and use my energy to pray. I've also realized this week as his words blessed through my head on more than one occasion, that "Being prayed up" has more to do with giving praise, thanks, listening, and obeying than it does to list the needs.
Now as if that wasn't enough, I stopped at the store yesterday, and there was a young woman, probably all of 30 who when we had exchanged pleasantries, stopped what she was doing for just a quick few seconds and said, "You have the most beautiful eyes." Here I am, clearly at least a generation or two beyond her. For a moment I felt glamorous, like an "old movie star."
I stopped letting feelings of failure take up space in my head. The eviction wasn't quick, but the results have been amazing! Most of the feelings of failure, as I said revolved around relationships and self image. When I changed my thinking, I realized I can still care about the people, while giving up on the failed relationships. It was amazing! It's made so much more room in my heart and head for love and joy and the peace of acceptance. And now this week, I've learned it actually shows in my countenance.
Showing posts with label self. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self. Show all posts
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Monday, April 20, 2015
Self-Control
Self-control seems to be pretty rare when it comes to the fruit of the Spirit. There are so many ways we seem to be able to justify a lack of control by calling it "righteous anger" or "protecting others" or even "the truth hurts." Sometimes any and all of those can be the case, but not nearly as frequently as we like to rationalize. I've heard some very harsh things said, cruel actually, and the person just shrugs and says, "I was only being honest." There are also many behaviors in our society that are "excused" by labels, as if that removes the personal responsibility. Sadly, in many cases, we spiritualize "the flesh" and that is far from producing the fruit of the Spirit.
The area of self-control in which I struggle the most, is my tongue. Between some personal situations, and of course social media, I've come to understand the power of silence, but it takes a great deal of self-control at the time. Actually, the self-control I've been gaining through the Spirit, is the absence for the need to be understood, accepted, or have the last word. The only thing about my entire life and being that needs to be understood by another, is the amazing awesome message of the Good News. YHWH says His Word is final. When that sank in, I realized, trying to have the last word is playing G-d . . .
I once wrote a poem about the fruit of the Spirit, and the last verse went something like this . . .
Dear Father, it seemed as if there's been no progress,
Producing the fruit of the Spirit cannot be done by mental fortitude or "turning over a new leaf," but by surrender to YHWH. I'm not sure I have the words, yet; to accurately convey what I mean, but I'm going to try. I cannot make myself produce the fruit of the Spirit, none of us can. I can, however; discipline myself to "stay out of the way" and not become defensive or offensive. I can be disciplined by Torah [the school master] as Paul called it, to want to observe Abba's Instructions more than I want to defend myself or my own ideas . . . but it truly takes the mind of Messiah and the words of Torah written on my heart, which are both given by the Spirit of YHWH not produced in my own power.
In my case to control my tongue, I have to be very careful what thoughts I entertain. That is up to me! When I surrender my right to ruminate and discipline myself to take my own thoughts captive, the thoughts no longer hold me captive. I have found the previously listed fruit of the Spirit have been instrumental in producing self-control. They appear to be in an order . . . Abba does all things decently and in order.
We so often, at least I do, picture gentle rains and glorious sunshine for fruit production, but there's more. My heart has to be "good soil" and like it or not, there is fertilizer involved. It's so easy to remain calm and appearing to produce beautiful fruit, but when circumstances stink, the real production takes place, or not . . .
It's easy to love someone who loves me. It's so easy to have joy when I'm out for morning chores with birds singing and animals surrounding me as I say the Shema. With no television and no rush hour traffic, peace is nearly a given. The first three in the list seem easier, in that we can find a "happy place," often alone or with our special folk, but then . . . in the list is longsuffering. Some translations use the term, patience, but that's a rather flowery way to gloss over the true meaning. Longsuffering, is much more accurate. I can tell you, the longer you kick against that lesson the longer the suffering situation will remain. It seems in my life, longsuffering and self-control are quite intertwined.
There are two things I say for victory, when the temptation to lose self-control of the tongue is presented. First and foremost is the prayer of Psalm 141:3. I ask YHWH to "put a guard over my mouth." The second, I try to say to myself, but a couple of times, it's actually been stated aloud in the circumstances. "I do not want what is bouncing through my head to come flying out my mouth."
The Spirit of the Living Creator has really brought me to the point I do desire His Will over mine, even in circumstances I find adverse. It hasn't happened all at once, and it still doesn't happen 100% of the time, but it truly has become my heart's desire.
The area of self-control in which I struggle the most, is my tongue. Between some personal situations, and of course social media, I've come to understand the power of silence, but it takes a great deal of self-control at the time. Actually, the self-control I've been gaining through the Spirit, is the absence for the need to be understood, accepted, or have the last word. The only thing about my entire life and being that needs to be understood by another, is the amazing awesome message of the Good News. YHWH says His Word is final. When that sank in, I realized, trying to have the last word is playing G-d . . .
I once wrote a poem about the fruit of the Spirit, and the last verse went something like this . . .
Dear Father, it seemed as if there's been no progress,
When I lipped off the other day.
I know it appeared, I still lack self-control,
But You know, I had so much more to say!
In my case to control my tongue, I have to be very careful what thoughts I entertain. That is up to me! When I surrender my right to ruminate and discipline myself to take my own thoughts captive, the thoughts no longer hold me captive. I have found the previously listed fruit of the Spirit have been instrumental in producing self-control. They appear to be in an order . . . Abba does all things decently and in order.
We so often, at least I do, picture gentle rains and glorious sunshine for fruit production, but there's more. My heart has to be "good soil" and like it or not, there is fertilizer involved. It's so easy to remain calm and appearing to produce beautiful fruit, but when circumstances stink, the real production takes place, or not . . .
It's easy to love someone who loves me. It's so easy to have joy when I'm out for morning chores with birds singing and animals surrounding me as I say the Shema. With no television and no rush hour traffic, peace is nearly a given. The first three in the list seem easier, in that we can find a "happy place," often alone or with our special folk, but then . . . in the list is longsuffering. Some translations use the term, patience, but that's a rather flowery way to gloss over the true meaning. Longsuffering, is much more accurate. I can tell you, the longer you kick against that lesson the longer the suffering situation will remain. It seems in my life, longsuffering and self-control are quite intertwined.
There are two things I say for victory, when the temptation to lose self-control of the tongue is presented. First and foremost is the prayer of Psalm 141:3. I ask YHWH to "put a guard over my mouth." The second, I try to say to myself, but a couple of times, it's actually been stated aloud in the circumstances. "I do not want what is bouncing through my head to come flying out my mouth."
The Spirit of the Living Creator has really brought me to the point I do desire His Will over mine, even in circumstances I find adverse. It hasn't happened all at once, and it still doesn't happen 100% of the time, but it truly has become my heart's desire.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
An Interesting Dream
Most of my dreams seem fairly insignificant. I do have a few that I recognize to be of spiritual significance, but I really don't have all that many memorable dreams. I do, however; dream in color. Having now used three sentences to say nothing, let's get to the point.
I dreamed I was speaking to a group of young women. In the dream I was aware that all of these young ladies had some sort of inferiority complex in regard to their appearance and/or shape. The group, as I remember, was basically average. No one was dramatically beautiful or intensely homely. The young women were not what I would call obese, but all indicated they were not pleased with their weight or their appearance. They were all in search of "something" that would make them more attractive, which was to be the topic of my presentation.
As I spoke, I produced past photos of myself through the years. This would be very out of character for me, in that I consistently hated to have my picture taken, always feeling fat and ugly. With each photo, I gave my age and basic life circumstances at the time. The presentation was somewhat interactive, so the girls made comments and asked questions throughout. With each explanation on that trip down memory lane, a different girl would raise her hand to offer some sort of acknowledgement or insight. It was amazing how many of the girls just couldn't understand why I had such low self esteem in those photos. I responded with the same question and comment to them.
In the dream I seemed so natural and relaxed, which in and of itself is odd . . . One photo, stood out amongst all the others. It was a wedding photo in which I was so thin, my complexion was ashen. They asked me how I felt about myself at that time, and I answered honestly. It was the one time and last person who made me feel desirable, but . . . I was really sacrificing my health to be that size and more importantly, by then I realized, I was counting on him to make me feel like a woman. Ultimately, when the new wore off and it was time to just be a couple, I blew it. He loved me, or at least tried to love me, for who I truly was. My youth and weight made no difference to him, but my inferiority complex was so deep, I couldn't grasp that. As I shared that with the girls, they fell contemplatively silent. I could see their wheels turning.
In sharing the last wedding photo, I shared with the girls that I truly thought I "had it together" spiritually, emotionally, and was physically comfortable in my own skin, until . . . my honeymoon was a disaster and I found myself hanging on by a thread, spiritually. I clung to Messiah. Many times over, I found myself quoting the Psalm about the Rock that is higher than I. Something had to change, and I was obligated to my circumstances. It would take me a full 10 years to realize my self-image was not based upon how someone else, that man, looked at me. In 2012, I looked in the mirror, finally happy with the reflection looking back.
As I moved out from behind the podium, I stood there 57 and full figured, and simply stated. "I like myself the way Abba created me to be. Being content is beautiful!"
As I spoke, I produced past photos of myself through the years. This would be very out of character for me, in that I consistently hated to have my picture taken, always feeling fat and ugly. With each photo, I gave my age and basic life circumstances at the time. The presentation was somewhat interactive, so the girls made comments and asked questions throughout. With each explanation on that trip down memory lane, a different girl would raise her hand to offer some sort of acknowledgement or insight. It was amazing how many of the girls just couldn't understand why I had such low self esteem in those photos. I responded with the same question and comment to them.
In the dream I seemed so natural and relaxed, which in and of itself is odd . . . One photo, stood out amongst all the others. It was a wedding photo in which I was so thin, my complexion was ashen. They asked me how I felt about myself at that time, and I answered honestly. It was the one time and last person who made me feel desirable, but . . . I was really sacrificing my health to be that size and more importantly, by then I realized, I was counting on him to make me feel like a woman. Ultimately, when the new wore off and it was time to just be a couple, I blew it. He loved me, or at least tried to love me, for who I truly was. My youth and weight made no difference to him, but my inferiority complex was so deep, I couldn't grasp that. As I shared that with the girls, they fell contemplatively silent. I could see their wheels turning.
In sharing the last wedding photo, I shared with the girls that I truly thought I "had it together" spiritually, emotionally, and was physically comfortable in my own skin, until . . . my honeymoon was a disaster and I found myself hanging on by a thread, spiritually. I clung to Messiah. Many times over, I found myself quoting the Psalm about the Rock that is higher than I. Something had to change, and I was obligated to my circumstances. It would take me a full 10 years to realize my self-image was not based upon how someone else, that man, looked at me. In 2012, I looked in the mirror, finally happy with the reflection looking back.
As I moved out from behind the podium, I stood there 57 and full figured, and simply stated. "I like myself the way Abba created me to be. Being content is beautiful!"
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Dying to Self is Not Like a Diet
I have realized yet another oddity about myself! Oy vey! Now I realize, when I think I've died to self, I need to realize, I'm a big girl! I'm beginning to wonder if my full figuredness doesn't correlate with being full of self . . .
I wrote an article in "Religiously Incorrect" and when I did that, I realized, last year, and the year before that, and several years before that I'd died to self . . . only to discover there's more of ME than I realized! Apparently YHWH sees me as big as I see myself in the mirror. There's a lot to my "self" so there's a ton of dying that needs to happen! What is wonderful, though; as the dying occurs, so far there has been no significant resurrection power directed toward these areas of self! HalleluYah!
I certainly don't want to have to keep dying over and over again. Even in the discovery of my areas of self, I do want to keep moving forward in victory! I do not want to keep "going 'round" the same mountain. Thankfully, the flesh and the enemy do not have resurrection power! I'm thankful we are given this life on earth to "be ready" for eternal life. Dying to self is not like going on a diet to lose 20 pounds. Dying to self appears to be a "process" that continues through the days of our life. In my recent desire to "show my hind-end" I came to realize, I'd truly rather bring glory and honor to my Heavenly Father and follow Messiah . . . That could be why we as a society, recognize the death process as a process . . .
Dying to self is quite a process, and there is not spiritual hospice. There are times it's quite painful, yet once it happens in a particular area I feel so light and good. I still remember a couple of years ago knowing what flesh remained was in the way of my walk and of the ministry to which I'm called. I want to be completely free of flesh and . . . fleshly desires. It seems the more I die to self, the fewer regrets I experience and the less baggage I have. I know I'm not there yet, but this big girl is feeling lighter every day!
I wrote an article in "Religiously Incorrect" and when I did that, I realized, last year, and the year before that, and several years before that I'd died to self . . . only to discover there's more of ME than I realized! Apparently YHWH sees me as big as I see myself in the mirror. There's a lot to my "self" so there's a ton of dying that needs to happen! What is wonderful, though; as the dying occurs, so far there has been no significant resurrection power directed toward these areas of self! HalleluYah!
I certainly don't want to have to keep dying over and over again. Even in the discovery of my areas of self, I do want to keep moving forward in victory! I do not want to keep "going 'round" the same mountain. Thankfully, the flesh and the enemy do not have resurrection power! I'm thankful we are given this life on earth to "be ready" for eternal life. Dying to self is not like going on a diet to lose 20 pounds. Dying to self appears to be a "process" that continues through the days of our life. In my recent desire to "show my hind-end" I came to realize, I'd truly rather bring glory and honor to my Heavenly Father and follow Messiah . . . That could be why we as a society, recognize the death process as a process . . .
Dying to self is quite a process, and there is not spiritual hospice. There are times it's quite painful, yet once it happens in a particular area I feel so light and good. I still remember a couple of years ago knowing what flesh remained was in the way of my walk and of the ministry to which I'm called. I want to be completely free of flesh and . . . fleshly desires. It seems the more I die to self, the fewer regrets I experience and the less baggage I have. I know I'm not there yet, but this big girl is feeling lighter every day!
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