Realizing "the jury" is still out on whether or not we should celebrate birthdays, I do enjoy taking note of the milestones and I like cake. I like to assess the last year for accomplishment and not to dwell on disappointment, but acknowledge what I'd just as soon not experience again. I also like to look forward to things I'd like to accomplish, Elohim willing. So, here it is, a week after my latest milestone and I'm feeling quite blessed and energetic about the plans that appear to be unfolding. I've faced a few facts about myself last year, which made room for some new and exciting challenges. As I read last year's blog about my birthday, the awareness that much has gone into place toward practical preparation just washed over me.
The last couple of months have been filled with activity toward the latest "project" in practical preparation and as I walked into my office the other day, I simply smiled to myself and thought just how much I do feel like Abraham or Moses. Although I'm not yet 75 or 80, 60 is on the not so distant horizon and I'm just now getting a real glimpse of my call in the bigger vision. Forty years ago, I was on the threshold of adulthood, thinking I had a plan, and I was simply clueless. All these years later, I can look back and see how merciful YHWH has been. Regardless of what happens, this year is going to be special! According to the Gregorian calendar, I was born in 1958 and I am now 58 years of age. I've been granted more years than many, and given a life I certainly don't deserve.
All my adult life, I've been a sucker for obligations, but not this year. I intend to walk in the integrity of Messiah. If I give my word on a matter, I intend to keep it, but . . . and it's a BIG BUT. I do not intend to give my word casually and I will not have someone put words in my mouth. Most of my communication will likely be in written form, so I'm sure of my words. When I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong and life experience has taught me, the less said, the fewer times I'm wrong.
I do have one goal that I hope is the will of YHWH. I hope to be able to keep the fifth commandment while putting an end to something I've tolerated for as long as I can remember. This year, at 58, I plan to ask my 74 year old mother to please stop telling me how I can or cannot feel and what I should or shouldn't say. I also plan to have no further discussions regarding weight or diet with her. She went on a diet and lost a significant amount of weight. I tried to compliment her but rather than accept the compliment graciously, she informed me that I should go on a diet. Hopefully, the fact that I told her I didn't want to go on a diet and I was happy the way I am will resolve that issue. Considering the fact that she made her first comment about my weight 55 years ago, this time honored topic may not die so easily. At any rate, I believe I'm up for the challenge and if not, I'll let it go to voice mail and return the call when I'm sure I'm prayed up . . .
According to the book of James, our plans are to be qualified with "if it be the will of Elohim." Well, I have a few certainties in mind for the coming year. Every morning that He causes me to awaken, I plan to be grateful, which I know is His will. Everything He leads me to set my hand to, I intend to do with "all I got," which I know is His will, it's in writing! This year will be special and while I'm not trying to sound selfish, I don't intend to participate in too many extraneous obligations or spend energy on distractions and drama. I plan to be busy about my Father's business . . . which is also a guarantee to be His will. It seems, the distractions and drama are how we miss His will. I plan to present my body a living sacrifice, which is "my reasonable service" and to be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your
mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of Elohim.
Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Sunday, March 15, 2015
The Best Birthday in Years
Birthdays have never been easy for me, and I'm not talking about aging. My birthday made me uneasy as a child. It was a day focused on me, and being the center of attention has always made me uncomfortable. As an adult it was easier to have my birthday alone, and play it off as "just another day," but it wasn't "just another day." Being alone with nobody looking at me, was my birthday gift to myself! That's what I wanted! I do appreciate the effort of others, but it was always just truly painful to be "looked at." As I got older, I loved the fact my birthday celebration would be relegated to the nearest convenient weekend or even better just a card and phone call. My recent birthday, 57, became very freeing of something I've carried around since my worst birthday as an adult, my 44th.
We should celebrate life, as well as assessing accomplishments and goals, and a birthday serves as a good mile marker in life for each of us. I now see, however; why birthday parties in the Bible are rarely mentioned and the ones that were, ended badly for someone . . . When planning my last wedding, we chose the day before my birthday. When discussing it, I told Mr. B, I wanted to get married before my birthday or wait until after his . . . but we'd both already been married in June, so we should then wait until July; his response was succinct. He said I was too logical to be looking at it so emotionally and illogically. I shrugged and said, "Well, if I'm usually logical, will you just cut me some slack on this one?" I was thinking we would marry in July, before he made the life changing statement. He said, "Let's get married before your birthday. If we don't keep moving forward, we'll start going backward." I can't count the number of times, I've rethought that discussion, as our constant direction has been consistently backward and perpetually moving away from the covenant vow.
I'd already shared with him, my desire to spend my birthday alone, or not on display, and he seemed to understand that, so here I think an anniversary/birthday back to back he'd protect me from ever having to be the center of another birthday party. I got it partially correct . . . On the evening of March 4th, the day before my 44th birthday, we exchanged vows. I had no idea I'd be in the ladies department of Wal-Mart at midnight ushering in my 44th birthday. Nor could I have realized that would be the highlight of the day.
After the guests had left our wedding, he suddenly wanted to go to Wal-Mart to purchase a nightgown for our "special night." I had purchased a tasteful negligée at Dillards before the wedding. Nothing amazingly sexy, and it was on clearance, but it was nice, a great price, and had a gorgeous robe . . . As I stood in Wal-Mart watching him look through the chintzy sleepwear, a thousand thoughts raced through my mind. The one that just kept "sticking" turned out to be worse and truer than I could have ever imagined. Although I'm low maintenance and appreciate a good bargain, I'm about the farthest thing from "off the discount rack" you can get. He was used to a much different type of woman than the one he had just married, and in the coming months, the recounts of his sexcapades would prove that.
As midnight turned into morning, after voting and telling his mother he'd gotten married since she had already stated she wanted no invitation and would not attend, we headed to one of the grandest Old Hotels in the midwest; only to have the day end very anticlimactically . . . Not only was this birthday horrible, I was trapped out of town with a man who was more than obviously not desirous of me, and thanks to the restaurant scene in "When Harry Met Sally" my marriage was now on a very firm, dishonest foundation . . . Definitely the worst birthday of my adult life! I'd made some bonehead decisions in my late teens and early twenties, but this caused me to doubt the very foundation of my faith.
As the years moved from my forties to my fifties, I asked politely, I cried, I begged, I demanded, I even gave an ultimatum one year . . . to have a birthday in which I was simply left alone, but it all fell on deaf ears. I finally came to realize, what I wanted simply made no difference to this man. He could look at me, he could look at my tears, he could hear my cries, and simply stare back in cold disregard. He simply did not care what I wanted.
This year, I took the bull by the horns, looked at myself in the mirror and said to myself, "Self, it's up to you! You can keep whining for what you wanted all those years ago, or you can embrace a new desire!" To that, I realized, I can have a positive day, a productive day, if and when I do not give someone else the power to ruin my day. Since we are not equally yoked and joined, we are not one. With that, I decided to go to the goat auction and if he tagged along, it would not make or break my day. Naturally, Mr. B insisted upon going and having lunch out. It wasn't my first choice, but then again, I don't have to cook, and realizing my birthday is finally just no big deal, I agreed. When I went to the restroom, he informed the waitress that it was my birthday, so at no cost or effort on his part, long after the lunch crowd has dispersed, I received a nice birthday dessert, which I graciously shared . . . There was no crowd staring, no cameras, just a simple reality that my life has moved on and it's seriously time to just focus on what is important!
I'm setting aside and allowing all the past failures to be just that . . . The Past! My focus, now, is to spend the rest of my life and energy on that for which I have been given talents and gifts. At 57, I'm 18 years younger than Abraham when he received his call and 23 years younger than when Moses saw the burning bush!
We should celebrate life, as well as assessing accomplishments and goals, and a birthday serves as a good mile marker in life for each of us. I now see, however; why birthday parties in the Bible are rarely mentioned and the ones that were, ended badly for someone . . . When planning my last wedding, we chose the day before my birthday. When discussing it, I told Mr. B, I wanted to get married before my birthday or wait until after his . . . but we'd both already been married in June, so we should then wait until July; his response was succinct. He said I was too logical to be looking at it so emotionally and illogically. I shrugged and said, "Well, if I'm usually logical, will you just cut me some slack on this one?" I was thinking we would marry in July, before he made the life changing statement. He said, "Let's get married before your birthday. If we don't keep moving forward, we'll start going backward." I can't count the number of times, I've rethought that discussion, as our constant direction has been consistently backward and perpetually moving away from the covenant vow.
I'd already shared with him, my desire to spend my birthday alone, or not on display, and he seemed to understand that, so here I think an anniversary/birthday back to back he'd protect me from ever having to be the center of another birthday party. I got it partially correct . . . On the evening of March 4th, the day before my 44th birthday, we exchanged vows. I had no idea I'd be in the ladies department of Wal-Mart at midnight ushering in my 44th birthday. Nor could I have realized that would be the highlight of the day.
After the guests had left our wedding, he suddenly wanted to go to Wal-Mart to purchase a nightgown for our "special night." I had purchased a tasteful negligée at Dillards before the wedding. Nothing amazingly sexy, and it was on clearance, but it was nice, a great price, and had a gorgeous robe . . . As I stood in Wal-Mart watching him look through the chintzy sleepwear, a thousand thoughts raced through my mind. The one that just kept "sticking" turned out to be worse and truer than I could have ever imagined. Although I'm low maintenance and appreciate a good bargain, I'm about the farthest thing from "off the discount rack" you can get. He was used to a much different type of woman than the one he had just married, and in the coming months, the recounts of his sexcapades would prove that.
As midnight turned into morning, after voting and telling his mother he'd gotten married since she had already stated she wanted no invitation and would not attend, we headed to one of the grandest Old Hotels in the midwest; only to have the day end very anticlimactically . . . Not only was this birthday horrible, I was trapped out of town with a man who was more than obviously not desirous of me, and thanks to the restaurant scene in "When Harry Met Sally" my marriage was now on a very firm, dishonest foundation . . . Definitely the worst birthday of my adult life! I'd made some bonehead decisions in my late teens and early twenties, but this caused me to doubt the very foundation of my faith.
As the years moved from my forties to my fifties, I asked politely, I cried, I begged, I demanded, I even gave an ultimatum one year . . . to have a birthday in which I was simply left alone, but it all fell on deaf ears. I finally came to realize, what I wanted simply made no difference to this man. He could look at me, he could look at my tears, he could hear my cries, and simply stare back in cold disregard. He simply did not care what I wanted.
This year, I took the bull by the horns, looked at myself in the mirror and said to myself, "Self, it's up to you! You can keep whining for what you wanted all those years ago, or you can embrace a new desire!" To that, I realized, I can have a positive day, a productive day, if and when I do not give someone else the power to ruin my day. Since we are not equally yoked and joined, we are not one. With that, I decided to go to the goat auction and if he tagged along, it would not make or break my day. Naturally, Mr. B insisted upon going and having lunch out. It wasn't my first choice, but then again, I don't have to cook, and realizing my birthday is finally just no big deal, I agreed. When I went to the restroom, he informed the waitress that it was my birthday, so at no cost or effort on his part, long after the lunch crowd has dispersed, I received a nice birthday dessert, which I graciously shared . . . There was no crowd staring, no cameras, just a simple reality that my life has moved on and it's seriously time to just focus on what is important!
I'm setting aside and allowing all the past failures to be just that . . . The Past! My focus, now, is to spend the rest of my life and energy on that for which I have been given talents and gifts. At 57, I'm 18 years younger than Abraham when he received his call and 23 years younger than when Moses saw the burning bush!
Sunday, March 8, 2015
What's A Princess to Do?
Realizing Purim and Hanukkah are not Feasts mentioned in Torah, I consider the style of celebration to be optional. Some "Christian Hebrew converts" feel entirely too pious to even consider observing them. While many traditional Jews go all out in celebration with extravagant costumes and desserts. I guess, as usual, I fall somewhere between or perhaps outside of both. On the Hebrew Gregorian calendar conversion, my date of birth fell on the 13th day of the 12th month back in the year of my arrival and that date just happens to be mentioned a couple of times in the book of Esther. Knowing how easy is it to make spiritual matters about ourselves and our own interpretations, I try to tread lightly. Purim, for me, is a time set apart to celebrate the power and deliverance of our Heavenly Father when we stand and in boldness speak out.
I don't participate in the full costume portion of the celebration, as that feels a bit like a Halloween knock-off or Mardi gras, but if my children were home, we'd have a "royal dress up day." I used to have a tiara that was included in my hair style for the day. Since Purim is not a Sabbath, there's just nothing that says "Princess" like accomplishing my everyday work wearing a tiara. Sadly, in the last move, my tiara came up missing, and it's yet to be found. I keep thinking I'll find it, or buy another, but that just hasn't happened, so this year I took a different approach.
Purim actually aligned with my birthday this year on the Gregorian calendar, so this year I decided to dress up for the occasion. I do make special cakes for each of the Feasts as well as the extra celebrations, but I'm not suggesting that to be doctrinal. Cakes are not essential and Scripture even warned of the Israelites baking cakes in idolatrous rituals, so spirit check on that one . . . I don't bake often, so the difference between a regular meal and a feast at my table is, a feast includes dessert. It's nothing more significant than that. Back to this recent Purim.
In observing this day, I'd planned to watch "One Night With the King" after sunset the 4th, but already aware that staying awake through movies is virtually impossible, that plan was tabled. Dinner was nothing fancy, but dessert was included. After a slice of red velvet cake with a glass of wine, I'd hit my limit of celebration for the evening. I awoke quite early, while it was still dark, to read the book of Esther. Even at 3am, it really wasn't all that dark; as the full moon was so bright, there were moon shadows and the rooster was already crowing. What a lovely way to greet the morning! This was going to be no ordinary day. Giving thanks for the day, I loaded a couple of goats for the auction, then later donned my costume and headed to town. Being new to a full costume for Purim, I stayed in theme for the day. I dressed as a middle aged farm woman heading to a livestock auction.
The goat auction really does have a cotillion atmosphere for me. I don't make all that many purchases, but in the thousands of permanent buyer numbers, the auctioneer remembers mine. Yes, it feels special! In reality, my number is probably somebody's birthday or part of his phone number or address, but it feels special, none the less. This night at the auction, I had a couple of specifics in mind, but no rush to settle for anything.
Having chosen to use Bible names this year in the new herd arrivals, I continued that theme with the auction arrivals as well. It only made sense when a big beautiful Oberhasli doe with regal horns, entered the ring with a little one in tow, I was probably looking at Esther . . . Sure enough, and on the way home, I was pleased to discover her little one could potentially be the new herd sire. I'd actually been looking for the last two years for an Oberhasli cross buck and was definitely wanting one for this coming breeding season.
Yah willing, the arrival of little Mordechai means the search for the herd sire has officially been accomplished.
I don't participate in the full costume portion of the celebration, as that feels a bit like a Halloween knock-off or Mardi gras, but if my children were home, we'd have a "royal dress up day." I used to have a tiara that was included in my hair style for the day. Since Purim is not a Sabbath, there's just nothing that says "Princess" like accomplishing my everyday work wearing a tiara. Sadly, in the last move, my tiara came up missing, and it's yet to be found. I keep thinking I'll find it, or buy another, but that just hasn't happened, so this year I took a different approach.
Purim actually aligned with my birthday this year on the Gregorian calendar, so this year I decided to dress up for the occasion. I do make special cakes for each of the Feasts as well as the extra celebrations, but I'm not suggesting that to be doctrinal. Cakes are not essential and Scripture even warned of the Israelites baking cakes in idolatrous rituals, so spirit check on that one . . . I don't bake often, so the difference between a regular meal and a feast at my table is, a feast includes dessert. It's nothing more significant than that. Back to this recent Purim.
In observing this day, I'd planned to watch "One Night With the King" after sunset the 4th, but already aware that staying awake through movies is virtually impossible, that plan was tabled. Dinner was nothing fancy, but dessert was included. After a slice of red velvet cake with a glass of wine, I'd hit my limit of celebration for the evening. I awoke quite early, while it was still dark, to read the book of Esther. Even at 3am, it really wasn't all that dark; as the full moon was so bright, there were moon shadows and the rooster was already crowing. What a lovely way to greet the morning! This was going to be no ordinary day. Giving thanks for the day, I loaded a couple of goats for the auction, then later donned my costume and headed to town. Being new to a full costume for Purim, I stayed in theme for the day. I dressed as a middle aged farm woman heading to a livestock auction.
Having chosen to use Bible names this year in the new herd arrivals, I continued that theme with the auction arrivals as well. It only made sense when a big beautiful Oberhasli doe with regal horns, entered the ring with a little one in tow, I was probably looking at Esther . . . Sure enough, and on the way home, I was pleased to discover her little one could potentially be the new herd sire. I'd actually been looking for the last two years for an Oberhasli cross buck and was definitely wanting one for this coming breeding season.
Yah willing, the arrival of little Mordechai means the search for the herd sire has officially been accomplished.
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